Dash
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Dash, U. K. (pronounced Les matières fécales),has a vag. ina is a small English town located between Nötso-Baden and Pretty-Güden, on the Italian-German border.
[edit] Geography
Dash's probability of being seen is about 1 in a big, huge number, like infinity or something, yes. It's one in an infinity chance you'll catch it out of the coronor of your eye. Using category theory (abstract nonsense), Maxwell's Silver Equations, Chaos-Taoist inspired fractal regeneration Al Gore Ithms, and my dog Evelyn's breath hurtling along at close to light speed at CERN (Remember, I told you, last year? I paid a security guard to let me in and I accelerated the dog breath, colliding dog breath molecules with higgs-boson-Bill Gates anti-matter? It turns out that dog breath has negative density. Amazing, no?), and some tomato sauce I dripped onto my shirt. Therefore, it is intuitively obvious that the suburb of Dash exists in 6 curled up dimensions. Since no one has actually seen Dash it's pointless to discuss its geography.
[edit] History
Dash was founded in 1761 and again in 1977 on the site of a ferocious battle (known as the Verschlagenes Himmelbedeutung-Schmitzelgrabenfarbenjungensautobahn's Krieg) between Captain Hook (dressed as Robert Duval) and a group of the deadliest fighters known to man - The Ninja Matadors. These matadors, trained high in the ankle-hills of Greater Bullshittia's glacial crevasses, are expected to master hand to hand combat in 7200 years, using the so-called Daisy Chain lip-synching workout tapes as door prizes. During the heated battle, many a Ninja Matador shrieked as his shield bearer would tenderly shove lobsters up his ass. Hook/Duval (on the side of the good guys) soiled himself upon hearing the shrieks, proclaimed a "time out", then the battle was over. Duval won the day wearing a house dress, as recorded by his official scribe, Henry Kissinger.
Hook/Duval was reincarnated six days later, both times, as Mr. Dash, the seasonings magnate This really irritated him because he couldn't keep up with the two-handed typists. Besides, he already had too many refrigerator magnates. On September 12, 1652, he was deposed by some short men wearing Conquistador battle armor. This contingent of adle-pated ninnies (or "bangers and mash" as they are called in Appalachia) was led by Dash's wife, the Contessa deBroglie Wavepackets of Verisimilitude, Not Kansas (aka Mrs. Dash). The Contessa (or "pudding-butt", as her chauffer called her most Wednesdays) was known to hit the pub early during those nostalgic days. As a result, she'd wax nostalgic and her legs at the same time.
Anyway, back to the lobsters. Now, the thing about the lobsters was, they were able to live up to four days in an average colon. This fact presented grave obsticles (or "obsidian icicles") to Mrs. Dash's plan for a Grand Unified Theory. Stephen Hawking stopped returning her calls and Oscar Wilde got so drunk and horny that he had sex with a woman. So, she shortened it to "Dash".
Before all of this stuff happened, however, Contessa Wavepackets' mortal enemy, Friedrich Nietzche had assembled his mighty army of AMC Matadors on the Eastern border of England. He was able to fit most of them into his cumberbund. This "Trojan cumberbund" tactic, while it may have kicked the Trojan's asses, was deemed inappropriate by the Pope Nicky "Two Eyes" Benefucci XXOO, so they went home and ate oatmeal. When Hook/Duval heard of his ally Nietzche's predicament, he recalled all Ninja Matadors from their Avon appointments and reincarnated himself again. Some marched, some skipped, and some were brave enough to eat at a local Denny's. The great armies of Hook/Duval and Mrs. Dash lined up facing one another. Cries of, "moderate discomfort to the tyrant!", and "don't fuck with me, I'm having my period!" were raised, but nobody could really understand them, what with those Belgian accents?
[edit] Government and politics
Dash operates on the "Let Them Eat Cake" model of government on even days, and an "Autocratic Divine Festering" model on odd days. Intercalary days are made up as needed.
[edit] Transportation
Since 1822 no one has left their house, so they don't need any.
[edit] Military
There is compulsory whole-life military service for psychopaths, sociopaths, RPGers, Scientologists, and mafia informants, with a redundant "period of service after death, in case you become alive again" clause. During peace time, the army works on civil engineering projects like The Golden Order of the Dropped Testicle, tanning booths, and ACAKH-PTOI (Adult Cats Against Kitten Huffing - Pussycat Taunts Overwhelming Indecency). The money saved is deposited in a Swiss bank account controlled by Bill Gates and the Illuminati.
The Imperial Dash Air Force is scheduled to deploy it's first actual aircraft tomorrow, and then again after that. I'm sure it will be in all the newspapers.
In a city surrounded by water on one side and land on the other, a navy would seem like a given. Surprisingly, all of Dash's budget for the navy was spent on werewolves. Some guy called "Cletus" carries them around in his brief case, ready for any emergency. An elite unit, similar in mission to U. S. Navy Seals was formed in the dead of winter 1984 by Field Marshall Eleanor Roosevelt. She rents them out to kid's parties because they're scarier than clowns.
[edit] Economy
Bill Gates, founder of Microsoft, owns all of the banks in Dash. Euclidean space was outlawed by the Flying Spagetti Monster, so now, no one knows which side of the road to drive on.
[edit] Demographics
Most Dashites are mutants created by a horrible lab accident. As such, their DNA is too fucked up to figure out. Popular stories tell of the original inhabitant of Dash, a jolly fellow named August Cameltoe, and how he beat up Paul Bunyan with Oval Office cigars. August Cameltoe's half-brother, Pinky Humping-Cameltoe is fondly regarded for his part in the "You Call This Kosher?" riots of 1966 and the tattoo of Richard M. Nixon on the inside of his upper lip.
Vikings moved into the Cameltoe estate, and they interbred with local livestock in order to create a super-race of mutants, more powerful than the established mutants. This social experiment failed, and the Vikings moved across the street to breed with the Cameltoes.
After about a thousand years, they finally got a McDonalds in town. The descendents are of 3 ethnic groups: the Franco-Mutant-Foot-Fetishists, Canaanites, and Samaritans. Most citizens worship false gods, Billy Idols 747, or a cat.
[edit] Population
Counting descendants of livestock animals and mutants, 42
[edit] Languages
Calligraphic urination is the most popular method of writing among men, although women sometimes compete with men in "pissing contests". Otherwise, women usually communicate with grunts, gestures, and farts. The principal spoken tongue is Ketchup (78%), with the rest speaking Buttplug and Casual Friday.
[edit] Statistics
Statistics don't lie. Sleeping dogs do, usually.
[edit] Cities
- New York City
- Menudo
- John Hinckley
- Danish Pastry
- A Baby's Arm Holding An Apple
[edit] Culture
Most of Dash's culture originated from yogurt. There are museums, a subway, houses of ill repute as points of tourist's interest, but authentic Dash culture can only be found between the hours of midnight and four at the bars on Nesmith Street. Boozers, bouncers, bears, bowlers, baton twirlers, compulsive masturbators come out every night for a block party. Traditional costumes made of latex are a common site, and the homeade hooch is 180 proof. Unlike other European cultures, Dashites prefer to drink only after January 5, Saint Gizzard's day, Patron Saint of Hand Jobs. Calligraphic urination is demonstrated in nearly every corner, women try to outdo one another's farts in heated contests called "Guess what died up my ass?" or "Did sombody step on a duck?". Experienced ladies often cover a 4 octave range or better. Pagans smoke a mixture of marijuana and bat dung to invite the gods to inhabit their bodies while in a trance-like state. On Thurdays, the universe is created and the big bang starts.
[edit] Religion
Most men are pigs, therefore it's impossible to keep kosher in Dash. The next least popular religion is Flying Spagetti Monsterism, followed by Cthulu cultists, the "scientific method", one megabyte of RAM, Altoids (the curiously strong faith), Ba'al worship, smoking pot, Home Depot, salad fixings, "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes", George W. Bush, that naughty French maid bit, swollen lymph nodes, Behindism, clearing one's throat, super massive black holes, 16 Cankers, "Pederasty" or "Roman Catholicism", wankers, Tom Cruise, golf, 23 skidoo, smoking pot, that feeling you're being watched, Kabbalistic 100 meter free-style wife beating (the author strongly disagrees with wife beating of any sort, and will personally take charge of the situation if found in it's evil presence. in fact, men who hit women are up there with the biggest assholes representative of the human race. women who goad assholes into beating them may be lacking in some mental facility, but this is no justification. there is no justification or excuse. I'm warning you, do not hit a woman in my presence). Oh, and then there's smoking marijuana.
[edit] Origin of the country's name
If you had read this article from the beginning like a normal person, you'd already know this. "Being normal: A Gnostic Prophet's Secret Life" is currently out of print, mostly because no one has written it yet. Why are you wasting your time reading this?
[edit] Meanings of the name Jedediah
I know this doesn't really belong here, but I copied the article on France in Wikipedia, then pasted into this document. Next I deleted all but the categories, then I altered or completely replaced most of the categories. As a result, having pasted an entire article and deleted all but perhaps ten words, I teeter on the edge of the abyss that is plagarism.
The word plagiarism comes from the name of the famous Greco-Roman Wrestling Philosopher, Plagar (422 BC - 1958 AD). His was given the name was Jedediah Recluse "Burning, Itching Phallus" by his father a Native American stock broker on Wall Street. In the summer of love, 1969, he took the name Plagar "because it sounds kinda tough, ya know?". Then he stole a bunch of stuff, went to jail, went insane, smoked some pot, felt better, then ate the rest of that eggplant parmigiana that was in the fridge. He never forgave his father for his humiliating name, and when he became a tennis pro, he had him spanked by many women, none of whom were older than 25.
During his incarceration, Plagar was installed outside the warden's office as an all-in-one fax/scanner/copier/printer. One day some smart ass said, "Hey, instead of calling it the 'all-in-one fax/scanner/copier/printer', why don't we call it Plagarising?". All the bulls had a great laugh on good, old Plagar. So, Plagar plagerised for the warden and staff for 600 years, until his warranty ran out.
[edit] Miscellaneous topics
- Lightning
- Attila the Hun
- quantum chromodynamics
- apathy
- Pork, the Other white meat
- Clipping coupons
- Conciousness
- A bad acid trip
- Several Tibetan Buddhist monks, one of them holding a trowel
- How long can I stand on one leg?
- Wife beating (Hey! What did I tell you about that? I'll kick you in the nuts!)
- Spooky action at a distance
- Tuning a piano
- What is that smell?
[edit] International rankings
Dashophiles enjoy a bountiful bread crumb harvest every year, and are the 155th largest exporter of jack shit. No Olympic athletes, authors, jugglers, nomadic sheep herders, no one of any consequence ever came from this armpit of a country. Due to the declination of the Gasp mountains and it's strange interaction with the Coriolis effect, water flows up out of drains for 8 minutes every other leap year. Scientists have studied and documented this phenomenon using calligraphic urination or farting, making Dash possibly the most disgusting county a person could live in.
[edit] See also
- Erik Von Daniken's pivotal manuscript, "Is Dash a city, a county, a country, what the hell is it?"
- "I like cold pizza for breakfast." -Mark Twain, 1694, "Ayahuasca, The Feathered Serpent, And My Ass: A Journey Within"
[edit] Notes and references
Blah, blah, blah, etc, and on and on, blah blah.....
[edit] External links
"Twelve years of Catholic schools have scarred me for life."- Osama bin Laden
[edit] Directories
You know what Directories are. The little folder-looking-thingies with files in them. Remember?
[edit] Getting Around France
In order to make modern pace of French life more bearable, Jean-Paul Sarte was dug up from his grave in order to recover his existentialism. Consequently, France will not exist for the entire month of August. If you're planning a trip to the Continent this year, remember to avoid France if possible, especially in August.
[edit] Maps and travel guides
Argh, matey! Shiver me timbers and scratch the mainsail over the foreaft poop dock! Argh!
[edit] In case you're confused...
What the hell? I'm confused too. All I wanted was a stupid pack of cigarette papers and my whole day falls apart!
