Worst 100 Self Help books of All Time

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

[edit] Worst 100 Self Help Books of All Time

According to God's True Word, the following are the worst 100* self help books of all time. Readers are required to have their sporks in hand.

[edit] 111-120

111. How To Be A Dummy For Dummies

[edit] 110-101

110. I'm Okay, But You're Fucking Nuts!

(Random Horse, 1968) The classic book that helps me feel okay with the fact you're a loony control freak with unresolved father issues.

109. The Will to Walk Again

(Harvard University Press, 2006) Dr. Tobias Funke explains how parapalegic and quadrapalegics can walk again, right now, if they only had the will to do it!

108. Blink and You'll Miss it

(Imbecilic Publishing, 1822) The world's shortest book, save only for Differences Between Dilbert and Reality. This does not make it good.

107. Quit smoking for Dummies

(forDummies books, inc, 1998) A piece of cake, with this book at hand. Over the past several years, the author has quit smoking several thousands of times, so he's a real expert! A step-by-step guide.

106. How to Splell Corecty

(Mortimer Books, 300 BC) Becoem an exellent spleller in no tim at al!

105. How to Finish Sentences

(Scholastic, 1982) Learn quickly and easily how to compl

104. So you Want to Huff Uncyclopedia

(Some Wikipedian, 2006) Huff Uncyclopedia in 300 easy steps! Huff percentage: 0%

103. So you Want to huff Wikipedia

(Jimbo Wales, 2007) Wait, this is bad how? Huff percentage: 0.0001%

102. Bobs guide to getting killed, the easy way!

(Bob Henderson, 2006 (Rip 2007)) How to tie a noose and chug sleeping pills at the same time!

101. Chuck Norris's guide to Wifebeating

(Bill Gates Microsoft, 2006) How to show your wife why dinner shouldnt be late, then fall back on whatever.

[edit] 100-91

100. Chubby Chasing for Beginners

(Barfly Press, 2002) How to pick up fat women.

99.5. Interrupting

(Erratic Weather Press, 2006) How to make annoying interruptions in articles on Uncyclopedia.

99. Beating Ho's, a step-by-step guide

(Big to Little Pimping, 1989) Proper instructions for how to enforce for a new pimp.

98. Oh My God We're All Going to Die

(ChrisFamily, 2004) Tips for how to not go to Hell with the other sinner Liberals and terrorists.

97. Computer Repair for Complete Retards

(forDummies Books, Inc., 2003) Step-by-step instructions for how to call a computer repairman.

96. Reading for Dummies

(forDummies Books, Inc., 1997) How to read, in this book!

95. How to Run an Ethical Company, by Kenneth Lay

(Enron Books, 2001) There's a great section about naming subsidiaries after different dinosaurs!

94. Drugs for Dummies

(forDummies Books, Inc., 1999) Featured chapters include Meth Labs: easier than they look, Stealing Oxycontin is Easy, and How to Avoid Detection.

93. How to Buy a Self-Help Book

(Blandom House, 1992) Step-by-step guides on how to get to the bookstore, find the book, and purchase it.

92. Building Bombs with Timothy McVeigh

(not published, 1996) Features all 9 major types, and detailed instructions, even with pictures!

91. Pyramid Schemes, the Simple Way

(Vanguard Press, 2000) How to get the most money out of the elderly!

[edit] 90-81

90. A Swift Kick to the Nuts

(Acorn Books, 1986) Self-defense for squirrels.

89. Martha Stewart Easy Living House Arrest Edition

(Stewart Books, 2005) How to turn an ankle bracelet into a you ankle bracelet!

88. Guide to Becoming a Hobo in One Week

(Pimp My Books, 2007) Where to sell your money and home to and step by step instructions on sign-making, begging, and much much more!

87. Collecting Insurance Money, the Easy Way

(Laminated Press, 1978) Techniques on how to make a fire look electrical, how to get somebody to crash your car, how to effectively wear a neck brace, and much, much more!

86. Surviving School as a Ginger, the right way

(Loader Press, 2006) Ways in which to avoid bullying and beatings. Some suggestions include; wielding a katana or buying a Colt45, Great Read for all. However dying your hair isn't covered, so allows ample space for a sequel.

85. How to cope with abuse

(Litchield Books 1988) A useful guide for all of those retarded, inbred, slack-jawed worthless pricks that get abused.

84. How to Read

(Morris Publications) Books for the blind featuring braile messages (not for people with out arms). Has thrilling ending.

83. The CigaretteCo. Guide to Quitting Smoking

(CigaretteCo Publishing, 2005) The ONLY guide to quitting smoking for all you pansies who don't want our smooth cigarettes anymore. Free with purchase of LungKillaz...the stogie with urban appeal!

82. Aim Low, Loser!

(Depressing Books, 2004) This interactive guide features such chapters as "Quadriplegics, Janitors, and Uncyclopedia editors: Finding Pathetic Losers Who Won't Say No" and "'I Just Lost My Wife' and Other Things to Say to Get People To Feel Sorry For You".

81. But MOM! Whining For Dummies

(Screaming Idiot Press, 2003) How to get what you want from your parents through whining. Includes guide to achieving the correct tone and pitch of whine.

[edit] 80-71

80. Protecting Yourself From "Them", vol. 2

(Resistance is Useless Press, 2002) "They" are watching you. What, you didn't know that? This guide gives your paranoid butt the know-how to keep your home bug-free. Buy now and you can the special addendum, "Top 10 Places to Find a Bug in Your Home".

79. HE Did It - Blaming Your Problems on Others

(Avoidant Press, 2001) This is a handy guide to blaming the other folks in your life. It includes some of the most common problems (mass murder, bad grades, kitten huffing withdrawal) and, using the handy index, allows you to displace the blame onto other sources (parents, teachers, lovers, Oscar Wilde). A must-have for politicians!

78. Your Penis Isn't Big Enough, and It Never Will Be

(USA 2005) A self-help book aimed at pre-teens.

77. Defeetin' Yur Krak-Kokin Habit, by Marion Barry (Kinkos, 2006)

A self help guide by the former mayor of Washington, DC, with proven results, to get you re-elected mayor of DC.

76. Pick up women for Dummies

I really doubt there's a truely 100% successful way for this.

75. Breakups for Dummies

how to break up for good (100%!) and when to do it for optimal desired effect.

74. Columbine for Dummies

To learn how to get yourself killed horribly.

73. Ted Kennedy Drivers Handbook

Learn to drive a Barracuda through downtown Atlantis.

72. How to Make a Worst 100 List

(Emmzee Press, 2006) Sections on what kind of topic to make, and how to shamelessly promote it!

71. Uncyclopedia for Noobs

(Wiki Press, 2005) How to make pages in the stupidest and most retarted way possible! Foreword by Emmzee.

[edit] 70-61

70. Liquor Store Robbery for Dummies

(Crime Dummies Books, 1992) How to effectively hold the gun, shoot out the cameras, and get away.

69. You Suck, Deal With It

(Whiners Books, 1984) A guide on how to become depressed.

68. Fighting for Stubs

(forStubbies Books, 1990) How to use your testicles to achieve victory! Not for use by Stubs with their "third leg" removed.

67. Smart Things To Do

(Emmzee Press, 2002) This book teaches things such as how to smoke at a gas station, and how to strap unstable rocket engines to your bike!

66. Premeditated Murder Made Easy

(Prison-Made Books, 1996) Everything from poison to ice picks are covered in this handy-dandy guide.

65. Aprender español

(Valladolid 2005) Un libro para aprender español para los que aún no hablan español.

64. Beastiality for Beginners

(Horse Screw Press, 2004) A step-by-step guide for sneaking on to a farm, choosing the right animal, sedating it, and screwing it.

63. How to Be An Emo

(Whiners Books, 2006) Learn how to listen to crappy music, cry and whine about how miserable your life is, and just be an annoying asshole!

62. How to Win Zork

(Zork Books, 2003) Just how do you win Zork? Learn how to in this simple guide!

61. How to escape a Grue

(Zork Books, 2002) Even contains a Grue for practice!

[edit] 60-51

60. Do-it-yourself Brain Surgery 

(Squishy Books, 1979) Encourages to practise your new skills "on friends".

59. How To Build The Great Pyramids With 60,000 Friends 

(Giza Press, 2150 BC.) No slaves required!

58. We're Sane - Cure Your Schizophrenia By Yourselves 

(Jekyll, Jekyll & Hyde Publications, 1963)

57. How To Be Funny And Not Just Stupid 

(Oscar Wilde, 1898)

56. Making up Oscar Wilde quotes 

(Oscar Wilde, 1899)

55. Be an Overnight Porn Star 

(Blue Books, 1988) Includes separate sections for male (1034 pages) and female (2 pages) readers.

54. Free at Last - Your Guide To Escaping From Prison 

(Sing Sing Books, 1933) The book includes several concealed tools.

53. German Made Easy By Dr. Mengele's New Revolutionary Electric Education Method 

(Reichspress, 1940) The book includes a gadget which will give you a powerful electric shock for every mistake you make whilst learning German. Not recommended for people with heart problems.

52. You Can Fly If You Believe In Yourself 

(Squishy Books, 1989) The title is meant to be taken literally according to the book.

51. Insults For Dummies 

(forDummies Books, Inc., 1998) "Buy this book, you hunch-backed disgusting little snotty-faced pile of reindeer poop!" That was merely the blurb.

[edit] 50-41

50. How To Die 

(GrimReaper Press, 2002) A step-by-step guide to deceasing.

49. How To Be Dead 

(GrimReaper Press, 2003) The official sequel to How To Die.

48. Getting Rich The Criminal Way 

(1993) Burglary, fraud, robbery... Don't just make a fortune, take it!

47. Live For Ever - Become A Vampire 

(Transylvania Books, 1965)

46. Surviving The Apocalypse For Less Than $1000 

(End Books, 1996) The book costs $995.

45. Getting Lost in The Metropolises 

(Konfuse Press, 1999) The book does not include maps of New York, Chicago, Paris, Moscow, Tokyo, and many other big cities.

44. Quit Food - How To Lose Weight And Save Money By Not Eating 

(Ano Rex Books, 1998)The inspiring book written by Swizz Beatz Tha Monsta

43. Europe For 1¢ A Day 

(Backback & Blister, 1992) Under which bridges to sleep in Paris, which restaurant has the most hygienic garbage cans in Prague, and the German railway companies with the fewest guards.

42. That's All Folks - Re-creating The Classic Old-time Cartoons In Real Life 

(LooneyTunes Books, 1985) Instructions to countless pranks involving anvils and explosives.

41. How To Conquer Europe, with foreword by Adolf Hitler 

(Napoleonic Books, 1945)

[edit] 40-31

40. The Suicide Companion 

(1977) A definitive guide to taking your own life. You can write your last message on the extra pages provided.

39. War Profiteering For Dummies 

(A-moral Publications, 1995) How to make money while other people are preoccupied with killing.

38. You're Deformed, Get Over It! 

(forStubbies Books, 1982) How to get over your extra limbs, missing limbs, shortened/lengthened limbs, etc. and get in a porno!

37. How to blow yourself up!

(bin Laden Press, 2002) How to find the most infidels, and make your own bomb with stuff you can find at your local Chuckie Cheese.

35. OOPS!

(Mistake Publishing, 1999) How lose your place.

36. YAY!

(Correction Publishing, 1999) How to remember your place.

34. Beijing, We Have A Problem

(NASA, 1984) How to build your own spaceship and explore the fringes of the universe on less than 5 yen a day.

33. Print Your Own Money 

(Books for Criminals, Inc., 1977) Counterfeit money and be rich!

32. 50 Simple Ways Of Gaining The Jury's Sympathy 

(1959)

31. How To Dig Big Holes In Your Neighbor's Garden 

(FurorBooks, 1982)

[edit] 30-21

30. How to scam people into buying books not worth buying in the first place 

(ScamsRus, 2004) Promising at the start, til you realize that's it 200 pages of blank paper

29. How to Breath Properly, by Kevin Trudeau

(Black Bird Inks, 2006) Exhale on the left nostril... Inhale from the right...

28. Sarangetti's Do-it-yourself Miracle Cures, by Timanni Pamba

(CrowsAlleyLibrary, 1998) If it cures you, it's a Miracle!

27. Iran vs. America, The Road To Victory, by Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

(New World Order Press, 2006) How to become an arrogant dictator and claim to be charged by God with the duty to destroy America on less than 6 infidels a day!

26. Afghanistan for Gay & Lesbian Travellers 

(Stoning Books, 1999) A guide to the hidden jewel of Central Asia under the Taliban.

25. The book of stupid quotes 

(Innovative Humour Designers, 2002)

24. Cómo cruzar la frontera Americana - El libro 

(Mexicanes Press Syndicate, 2006) Una guía en cómo cruzar la frontera el Estados Unidos de Americana sin conseguir cogido; Ahora en Español!

23. Bukkake for Fun & Profit - (Squirt Intl., 2003)

A guide for those looking into getting into the fun and profitable bukkake industry.

22. Self-evident Truisms Dolled Up With A Trite Metaphor

(Not Just A Clever Title Books, 2006)

21. Unsupported Assertions That Gel With The Reader's Prejudices

(Not Just A Clever Title Books, 2006)

[edit] 20-11

20. If you Would have done it... by O.J. Simpson.

Ways to kill your wife and her friend before writing a book about how it could have happened.

19. How to Hunt for Quail...The Cheney way! By Dick Cheney.

Not something to read if you actually hunt.

18. Conflict Resolution - Beating Swords into Plow Shares, by Bill Gates

(Ox Ford Press, 1998)

17. My Life in Antarctica, by Herman Hermit

(Amundsen-Scott: Penguin, 1963). Herman explains how introspection got him into something good.

16. Discovering Your Inner Child, by Pee-wee Herman

(Dwell Books, 1959)

15. Meds are Worth It! by Barbara Coloroso

(De Press, 2007). When your children act out, there's always Valium.

14. Losing Weight for Fun and Profit, by Marilu Henner

(Bench Press, 2000). Ms. Henner describes frankly and sincerely her secret motivatation to lose weight: she figured she could make a mint selling weight-loss books.

13. Weight Loss that Works, by Michael Moore and Rush Limbaugh

Two men with impeccable reputations for meticulously accurate research present effective, proven weight-reduction methods.

12. The Boy Who Couldn't Stop Watching, by Judith Rapoport

(Figment Classics, 1989). Help for the peeping Tom in all of us.

11. Facing Death, by Saddam Hussein

(Baghdad: Gallow Books, 2006). By an expert on both sides of the issue.

[edit] 10-1

10. Anger Management, by Osama bin Laden

(New York: WTC Press, 2001). The book that has already changed so many lives.

9. How to Let Loose and Party, by Jehovah

(only available door-to-door). Discusses God's expectation that we live it up and get laid as much as possible, rather than risk the low odds of being one of the 144,000 to be saved.

8. Pre-Traumatic Stress Disorder

(Re Press, 2009). A must read for anyone stressed out due to the expectation of impending trauma.

7. Inattention Deficit Disorder

(Stopthe Press, 2007). Have a child who is too attentive to your every action? "Mommy, what were you and daddy doing that was SO noisy?" Tips to teach your child a shorter attention span.

6. How to Care About Black People, by W. Bush

(New Orleans: Katrina Publications, 2005). A #1 Worstseller!

5. Dysfunctional People (...and how to take advantage of them)

(Dyspublications, 1999). Learn to take care of YOU for a change.

4. Don't Bet the Small Stuff, by Richard Carlson

(Alibi Press, 1997). Ways to improve your gambling addiction.

3. Transgendered people are from Mercury, by Dr. John Gray

(Stereo Type Press, 2007)

2. Co-dependence Made Easy, by Chang, Eng, and Ti-Eye Jr. Bunker

(Pub Lishers Anonymous, 2002). Have you ever developed a strong sense of independence? Are you prepared to live autonomously if something happens to your spouse? Well, the world-famous Bunker triplets provide insightful advise to change all that, so that you will never feel that you can live apart again.

1. the bible, by some dude

nuff' said

[edit] Honorable Mention

• The Mighty Adventures of Silver's Spleen
• Of Figs and Strawberries
• The Adventures of Super Slug
• The Boy Without A Spacebar
• The Useless Idiot's Guide to Girlfriends
• The Useless Idiot's Guide to Newspeak
• Sodomy for dummies
• Bertholm Hamshire's History of Civilization
• Young Peoples guide to the SATB Choir