12 year old girl theory

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FACTS DETECTED

This page contains actual content and may even be informative. Holy shit, we're all gonna die!

“Smells like pre-teen spirit”

~ Kurt Cobain on death to his soul

“Lyke, stfu ur just jealous bc there hawt and have more money than u”

~ 12 year old girl on The 12 year old girl theory

The 12 year old girl theory is a newly-emerging branch of Keynesian aggregate supply theory which holds that for any product to be successful, it must have immediate appeal to the average 12 year old girl. 12 year old girl theory was developed by the RAND Corporation in response to the harrowing times of the Great Depression as a method to resuscitate the economy. The theory, while once controversial, has now become a central pillar of modern economics, pragmatic philosophy and The Ten Commandments.

see the spectrum, know the spectrum
see the spectrum, know the spectrum


Contents

[edit] Achieving success

The mathematics behind the theory are still a closely guarded secret, but the several key tenets of the theory have been released to the general public. The following can be considered a comprehensive (not exhaustive, but possibly tiring) compendium of how to achieve success in the 12 year old girl business paradigm.

  • Find several attractive males of similar age. Best results are achieved when variety is considered (the "bad boy", the sensitive one, the ambiguous one, etc.)
  • Conduct an interview with Teen Beat magazine, or do a cameo in a Hilary Duff movie
  • Abandon all shreds of dignity and self-worth left
  • Receive an award or present a person presenting the person introducing some inane award at the Teen Choice Awards
  • Release a CD (see below)

[edit] Image

This is the most important part to the 12 year old girl theorem. If you fail this, you'll be starring in high quality indie flicks with deep social meaning (no one, especially not 12 year old girls, watches these movies). Here's a helpful checklist of things to ensure your success. If you are unable to picture the context of any of this, please go to the Exemplary Models section.

  • Ensure you are the lead singer of a band(regardless of singing ability, tone deafness or actual interest)
  • If not possible, be sure to be credited as the "lyricist" (see Fall Out Boy)
  • Grow your hair long and abstain from shampoo/conditioner (see pre-showering Gerard Way)
  • Try to look as androgynous or effeminate as possible (children don't know where babies come from)
  • Remove parts of your clothing (if you remove them all, you will cease to be sexually nonthreatening, which will cause your demise)(see Jacob Hoggard, of Hedley)
  • Develop a sympathetic problem so they will feel sorry for you (drug addiction, depression, mean ex-girlfriends, lactose intolerance, two left shoes, etc.)
  • Don't have any body hair other than on your head, and a little bit of stubble. (remember: only pedophiles have mustaches and beards! Mommies won't let their kids love you if they know you're a pedophile, which you are!)
  • Don't get a girlfriend, as being single helps keep the fantasy alive. Once you are taken they will cry and move on to someone else.
  • Always reference that you have the best fans in the world (see any/all interviews on MTV)
  • Wear make up (see Panic! at the Disco)
  • Have a flashy smile and a voluptuous ass
  • Have some sort of cute quirk that 12 year old girls can relate to, such as Harry Potter. Make sure it is aptly nerdy so as to make 12 year old girls feel that they too, are normal and socially acceptable, despite indisputable evidence that they are not. Note: don't have a cute quirk about Star Wars, they don't know what that is!

If you manage to remember all of the above, you are gold. We mean, triple platinum...in Japan!

[edit] Song Writing

Now that your image is all catered up for 12 year old girls, we must tackle the hurdle of song writing. This is where many 12 year old girl theorem hopefuls fail or lose ground. Here is a list of mistakes that bands usually make:

  • DO NOT write songs with some sort of hidden meaning, 12 year old girls have not developed advanced brain functions yet (see all meaningful/legit artists)
  • DO NOT write songs with excessive swearing/politically incorrect words, because their parents won't buy the CDs (see Marilyn Manson)
  • DO NOT write songs that encourage girls to keep their clothes ON.
  • To you, the only music that exists is on the radio. No other music matters.
  • DO NOT write songs that are happy, unless they were written under the influence of pixie stix
  • All your songs must be composed of power chords. Unless your writing an acoustic song, then use only the chords in the key of G.
  • DO NOT write songs that deal with any real world problems, remember to 12 year old girls the world is their school, Myspace and eating, then throwing the food back up to look socially acceptable into this world.
  • DO NOT write songs that go out of 4/4 time signature, change tempo, change key, or have a guitar solo.
  • DO NOT write songs without the word "lips" in there somewhere
  • DO NOT write about boys.
  • DO NOT write anything that could be considered by a sane human being to be a song.
  • DO NOT write songs that are not about puppy love.
  • All songs must sound either EXACTLY or incredibly similar to every other alternative rock song on the radio. (see Greenday)
How America's leaders (& 12 year old girls) see the world
How America's leaders (& 12 year old girls) see the world

You must ensure that the singles you release are exemplary examples of 12 year old girl material, because, to be honest with you, most of them never buy your CD, they just listen to your hit song on the radio. Actually, they have no idea you had a CD. Make sure that you release at least one U2 song, yet don't make it too socially aware; most 12 year old girls can't find their hometown on a map, let alone iRaq. Instead, write songs about bullshit, like how unfair your parents are, how bogus your teachers are, and how awful it is that that really cute girl in your geography class won't even acknowledge your picking up her pencil each day. In addition to that, make sure you write a song about how much you love the girlfriend you're pretending to have. Don't make it too lovey dovey though - you want to make the 12 year old girls think they have a chance (as they should). Once you've got those two bases covered, the rest of your songs need to be angsty and emo.

[edit] Making Music Videos

When shooting a music video, be sure to be conscious of the elements of image. Incorporate elements of emo culture into your video, such as troubled looks, crying, and your flagrantly pasty skin. NOTE: Avoid falling into seizure fits unless your name is Gerard Way.

Since, of course, you are the lead singer, or being credited as lyricist, the camera will be solely focused on you, so it really doesn't matter at this point how ugly, stupid, bad and "un-12 year old girl vote-ish" the other band members are. Although, if you want to really monopolize the 12 year old girl market, all your members should abide by the rules. Other than that, your video doesn't need any other elements, so, just do whatever you your record company wants you to do.

[edit] Interviews/Public Appearances

When doing interviews or public appearances, you must always abide by the image rules to ensure ultimate success. Also, if the other band members are not aesthetically pleasing, it might be in your favor to ditch them, because they're wasting gas money. If however, you decide to take them with you, it won't really matter, because the only person the 12 year old girls will be paying any attention to is you. Remember: if you do decide to bring along your other band members, regardless of aesthetic quality, don't allow them ANY time to talk during your appearance or interview, because no one cares what they have to say (See Gerard Way). Here are some specific tips about appearances and interviews:

  • Tell a long-winded and whiny story about your broken childhood
  • blither on stupidly for 10 minutes about how awesome and cool all your fans are and how you really love getting their used underpants in the mail
  • Act very mature and sensitive
  • Get very emotional at one point in the interview (hold your breath, grab your mouth, walk away, kick violently like a dog in REM sleep)
  • claim that you "feel sorry for" any interviewers or elderly people that "don't get you"
  • Have a cute laugh
  • Redirect them to your MySpace page
  • Pretend that the 12 year old girls aren't there with their moms
  • have lots of "really cool" contests where fans get to meet you or get autographed used condoms. (run these contests through your myspace posting really annoying bulletins containing ALL CAPS and lots of typos)

[edit] Photoshoots & Magazine Spreads

These appearances are very similar to the previous type, except for the fact that you will be mercilessly exposed to the ghastly flirting of the possibly gay photographer and magazine interns, as there is no public to be offended by their lack of "professionalism".

However, there are a couple things to keep in mind, when it comes to these sorts of things.

For example, when doing a magazine interview, you must:

  • insist that the interview be conducted at some low key local restaurant that does not serve alcohol (remember, you're overcoming some personal difficulty here)
  • when the interviewer enters, you must be sitting demurely in a corner seat looking out the window dreamily sipping cutely on your milkshake
  • even if the magazine intern is a total douche bag (which they will be), you must remain calm, and not hit them
  • answer any "interesting" questions with a coy "maybe...[giggles]" or "we haven't yet decided...[giggles]"

These sorts of interviews, are of course, often associated with some sort of shitty photoshoot that will graze the covers (and possibly, centrefold) of some really shitty magazine with a really ghastly colour scheme, bubble writing, and total bullshit articles.

Remembering, of course, that you are the most important member of your group, we need not cover the fact that the other members will be a couple of miles in the background straining to be in the field of view, and that 90% of the shots will be solely of you.

We do, however, need to cover the necessary types of photoshoots you must do.

  • A Clockwork Orange Photoshoot -it doesn't matter that none of your target audience will have ever read this fantastic movie, because it will make you appear "edgy" and "aquainted with your roots of bad-assery" (which you're not) see My Chemical Romance, and every punk band ever in existence post-1992
  • Recreation Photoshoot - this sort of photoshoot requires you to look as though you're just having a good time with your friends, and will make you seem like you're "fun" and "relevant" (which you're not).
  • Straight From Video Photoshoot - in this type of photoshoot, you will take whatever image you've created for yourself, and is most commonly and solely (though probably not original) associated with your group. If you're Green Day, you might be doing some pseudo-political crap. This will certify your image, and make you a more viable product (which you are).

[edit] Analytic Representation

math

This simple formula can provide a rudimentary basis for 12-year-old-girl Theorem analytics.

You see, as the substance, AKA anything meaningful, or even legible goes up, your success goes down. 12-year-old girls should NOT be able to really understand things like lyrics. But, as the style goes up, you can make a real turn! Try the Image section above. It doesn't reeeally matter if your songs are just screaming, but they have to be colorful screaming. (Avoid anything colourful though. You're not going to a New Age dance club.)

[edit] Exemplary Models

These people have already successfully applied the 12 year old girl theorem to their art business ventures. In order to guarantee success, it is suggested that any budding adherers to this doctrine emulate their actions (claim them as your "influences").

[edit] Negative Effects

The loss of all your dignity and self-worth. And we mean ALL of it. You have achieved such inconceivable moral degradation that you have become the target of an Uncyclopedia article. And not like Oscar Wilde. Think even lower.

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