12th century
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“I had a ball in the 11th Century, but the 12th was just a big bag of shite”
~ Noel Coward on 12th Century
The 12th century, widely regarded as the worst century to date, was a golden age of prosperity for most bears. The 12th century is intentionally left out of history textbooks, and for a damn good reason.
Nothing exciting happened. You'll come to find that most of the "exciting" events of the 12th century are actually snooze-fests. Don't even bother to read this article, because little of what happened during the 12th century is notable and based on assumptions, due to a lack of records from the era (probably because paper wasn't invented yet). You'll be excited to know that dirt was invented around this time.
Contents |
[edit] The Beginning
No more than two years after the end of the 11th century, the idea for the 12th century was blossoming. People were not faring so well for the first time in a hundred years without a century, so the Council of Mysterious Old Guys With Beards (CMOGWB) created a new century in God's own image.
Naming the century however, proved difficult. It was a task so difficult, that the burden of naming it was given to one man: hero of Genitalia's Great Forsekin Revolt of 1078, Phallus Maximus. Unfortunately, his many battles of the last century left him with permanent brain damage, and he submitted "Gjjjua" to the CMOGWB. They rejected it, and gave the task to a lesser-known legionary, Biggus Dickus, who decided to appropriately name it "12th century", even though some view this as banal.
The year 1111 proved to be the most exciting 365 consecutive days of the entire century. 1111 is a year that can be read backwards and forwards, as well as upside down (but not sideways). This scared the Holy Romanian Empire, and was thusly renamed "1110: Part Deux" (starring Charlie Sheen). This technique was the first documented use of one of history's most horrid weapons: the sequel.
During 1111, the Knights Templar came into being, as a clandestine drinking society. For a laugh, the Knights Templar play-acted out a ritual from the "Tome of Blood and Ash" in a chinchilla quarantine enclosure after their inaugural frat rush.
Aside from isolated cow abduction incidents by aliens (currently awaiting trial) during the early 12th century, most people regarded the beginning of the 12th century as a pretty cool thing. I sure did. Until...
[edit] The Middle
For several months during 1134, it is believed that Satan traveled to Earth from Hell. There are no actual records of this, but educated scholars believe this may have happened because of the uncanny resemblance between 1134 and Hell when 1134 is turned upside-down and backwards.
In 1147, the famous raid on Argentina by the forces of the Sardinian Empire occured, leaving the region smelling of fish for years to come.
One of the more notable happenings of the 12th century was the bear interruption incident of 1149. A tribe of 862 bears living on the Archipelago of Atlantis found themselves stowed on un-manned boats, these boats were un-manned due to the surprising lack of people willing to sail a boat loaded with foraging bears.
The boats were then sent into the sea. The Atlanteans had sent these bears away due to the large and growing number of Atlanteans allergic to bears. The bears, once they realized that the boats had nothing they could forage, were so enraged that they all jumped into the sea at the same time causing a massive wave that destroyed Atlantis and created the pop singing sensation Hillary Duff.
[edit] The End of The Middle
The year 1152 should have been one of great celebration. The high mage of the Latvian army, using evil wizardry, had found a way to light castles for an indefinite period of time through the use of the incandescent light bulb (the incandescent light bulb was created 23 years earlier by John James, an immortal who later became Thomas Edison). Unfortunately, the high mage made a fatal error in his spell that caused 3 million light bulbs to be ejected into the upper atmosphere. They later fell causing the end of the 12th century.
[edit] The End
The 12th century went out with a bang. A really damn big bang that killed everyone on the island of Sicily. This was later found to be an have been caused by the light bulb ejection caused by the high mage, and the people falsely accused for the explosion were released from the bone-crushing jaws of the lion they were sentenced to be eaten by. Unfortunately, their bones were crushed.
The 12th century was one of great tragedy. Although many scientific advancements were made, (i.e. the incandescent light bulb and the light bulb delayed reaction doomsday weapon) the bear interruption incident and the final destruction of Sicily tainted the good name of the 12th century. The Council of Mysterious Old Guys With Beards realized that their quest to make a perfect 12th century had failed, and left Earth to try again on a different planet. No one knows how they fared.
[edit] Other Innovations
The 12th century was most noted for being the century of the perfection of Borg technology:
- In 1106, the door knob is invented and patented by French inventor Enideniz Enadiz. Unfortunately, his patent was later stolen by Italian inventor, Ocram Izzaretam. The dispute couldn't be settled in court, and ended with Enadiz headbutting Izzaretam.
- In 1108, the door is invented. This is ironic because up until that point the door knob was used as a sex toy
- Velcro is invented in Switzerland in 1156; shoes can no longer be tied together and thrown over phone poles. As a result, neighborhood bullies are forced to resort to ass beatings.
- Cheese was invented by an unnamed inventor. Cheese, made out of molded milk, caused thousands of deaths due to improper glovewear. Pie gloves were used instead of cheese gloves due to the lack of cheese gloves being invented yet.
[edit] Deaths
- Tickles, the last remaining tyrannosaurus rex, dies in a zoo in Constantinople. His skull is made into a tool shed for the Holy Romanian Emperor, but is destroyed in a fire three years later.
- King Wenis of Austria is killed in a wardrobe "malfunction" in Vienna.
[edit] See also
