1000 AD - 1699 AD

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Beginning of Time | ∞ BC to 1 BC | 0BC - 0AD | 1 AD - 999 AD | 1000 AD - 1699 AD | 1700 AD - 1799 AD | 1800 AD - 1899 AD | 1900AD - 1909AD | 1910AD - 1926AD | 1927ADa - 1927ADi | 1928AD - 1955AD | 1956AD - 1976AD | 1977AD-1989AD | 1990AD - 1999AD | 2000 AD - 2099 AD | 2100 AD - Before the End of Time | End of Time | After the End of Time

This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.

Represented here are the time periods from 1000AD to 1699AD.



Contents

[edit] 1000

World fails to end. Many Christians disappointed. All-night disco party in Constantinople continues.

  • Lu Bu arrives in America...realises he left his trusty steed; Red Hare, behind. He throws the ship at some native Americans and jumps back to China. He then proceeds to kick ass all the way back to America on Red Hare.
  • First time any person successfully sucks a cock off, believed to have happened in China the practice spreads quickly.

man dreamed of blowing shit up

[edit] 1001

  • Charlie Chaplin is invented by a clockmaker in Paris. After rampaging godzilla-style through the city, he is subdued and entombed in Donald Trump's hair.

The Fartbox is officially cool.

  • Your Mom had intercourse with a donkey
  • Queen Formed plaque starts to kill fairies
  • Boom Boom Clap Rave starts hapnin'
  • rape invented

[edit] 1002

Time gets lost under the couch cushions. As a result, the year 1002 doesn't stop for several centuries, until Dr Demento finds time, covered in dust and dead bugs but still functional. People declare 1002 prematurely over since they're so sick of it. The Fartbox is Uncool now... damn.

[edit] 1003

  • Little green monkey drummers are accidentally released into the wild. Whilst attempting to smite a monkey Merlin accidentally slices off his ear and throws his sword into the lake.
  • The first Jew is thrown down the well.
  • Pooping is invented.
  • Two out of five Spice Girls are formed from the remains of a slaughtered town.
  • Vikings invent rape.
  • Upright sex is invented.
  • First snowman made; raped.

[edit] 1004

  • This Guy creates the Irish, a nation groans.
  • World War 0 begins.
  • The word "jillion" is used for the first time.
  • World War 0 ends after the only participant falls in battle of severe rashfoot.
  • Practice of oral climax reaches entire population of the earth. With the acception of the Irish islands, where it has not been adopted to this day.

[edit] 1005

1005 is a year that will stand forever as a turning point in history. Although absolutely nothing was invented that year - and in fact, no scientific progress was made whatsoever - the year is still notable for the following events:

Shit!!
Shit!!
  • The Gregorian Monk John of Gascogne spent the entire year drawing a exquisite capital letter "A", which was the first letter of the first page of the Bible he was copying[1]. Then, on December 31, he spilled his ink pot over the letter and had to start over. He died of insanity shortly thereafter. The page was since recovered by Lima-Beans.
  • Half the known world's population died of the plague. The other half was killed during various wars, or was burned alive by the inquisition.
  • King Arthur's quest for the Holy Grail was cut short when his army was slaughtered by a mysterious bunny.
  • The first episode of Ye Bolde and ye Beautifulle was performed by the Westminster Soap Troupe. The audience was bored to death and had the performers executed. It would take OVER NINE HUNDRED years before anyone dared to perform it again.
  • Oldest shit ever found was found preserved in the form of icicles in the British Queen's Palace's Bathroom.
  • Found to be incompatible with earlier versions of the 11th century, 1005 was re-released in 1090 under the name "1005, Service Pack Two", but failed to reach the same high sales figures as previous decades.

[edit] Footnote

[1] The astute reader may note that the first letter of the modern Bible would be "I", since it starts "In the big inning". This is because in 1005 there was a page before the current first page, which read "All characters portrayed in this story are fictional and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental". This was later removed by religious activists because they felt it detracted from the overall feasibility of the book and sort of undermined their whole argument a little bit.

[edit] 1011

  • Controllers are invented
  • Controllers are forgotten by selfish morons
  • Controllers are then recovered
  • Controllers are then screwed
  • Controllers are then praised
  • Tron comes out
  • Tron a hugely fat success
  • LSD is discovered by Brian Warner
  • Antidata nanoparticles are invented

[edit] 1012

  • Monks discover just how angry God can get.
  • Dick Cheney has first heart attack.
  • Iron Maiden (band) was formed.
  • Michael Jackson's body starts to change its skin color.

Strangely, nothing remotely interesting happened in that year, sure there were a few laughs, but nothing really worth mentioning.

  • September 4th- Brett Favre starts first National Football League(Of Earth) game, throwing for 2 touchdowns and one interception. Many critics knock him for his injury prone-ness, and state that "Thou Wildst not last a fort night in this game."
  • Man Discovers god....... Yeah...... This is a continuation of the LSD discovery a year earlier. Relatedly, man also discovers the giant purple face-eating tree stumps.

[edit] 1013

  • Iron Maiden (band) dissolved. Bassist and hagiographer Jacobus de Vagine went on to form the band Slip Not Lest Ye Be Slipped with Ronnie James Dior, cantor of Osnabruck.
  • Maxlam create the Clam's Juice, it finds that horrible then gives the patent to Peter Pan.
  • The Irish madman, Dr.Brendan Kettle, invents whiskey
  • Maxim magazine founded. This becomes a very good year.
  • Gunpowder invented for 2.4 seconds.
  • Entire race of pre-cooked swine discovered living in France; swiftly eaten.
  • Tarzan born; swings own birthing cord.
  • The A-Team, traveling through time, runs over and kills the father of modern medicine, Adeline Burkhart. Life saving advances, such as hand-washing, antibiotics and sterilizing hand-saws are delayed several hundred years, killing uncountable millions of innocent people and some jerks.

[edit] 1024

  • Joel Maher gets killed again by the ghost of Steve Jobs. He suffocated Joel using a Microsoft mouse (which Joel has no defense against). Steve then retrieves his body from the past using a time machine stolen borrowed from Bill Gates.
  • A few monasteries which had been noting dates in a 10 bit format need to reconsider this decision. This is also known as the year 1k problem. Note: this is different from the 1 kJear and the 2 kJear problems.
  • A hermit called Loving Jeremiah living east of Featheringstonehaugh records multiple sightings of his own left nipple.
  • Moorish scientist and scholar Abd Al Rahman discovers porno in ancient Egyptian documents but is upon discovery banned forever from the Moorish kingdom.
  • Strange man in blue box, along with his Nubian concubine, slain by rampaging band of drunken sports enthusiasts. Blue box never seen again.
  • First tamed parrot learns to speak, is burned at the stake as a witch. Then eaten.

[edit] 1038

  • A wookie runs over Jorge Lucas' lightsaber. It must be noted that the fact that wookies are fictional creatures from far in the past, and (presumably) native to a (fictional) galaxy situated far beyond the Milky Way galaxy, combined with the fact George Lucas is from further ahead in time than this event, and that his name is spelled George, and not Jorge, has led some modern scholars to believe that accounts of this particular event are at best somewhat questionable in authenticity. This has been further compounded by strong evidence to suggest that although George Lucas owns many lightsabers, he had no access to such a weapon during the periods of time when he could have (allegedly) had access to some sort of time traveling device necessary to bring the weapon back to this point in time in the first place.
  • Joe Satriani created aliens with his guitar.

Tatty Man is found preserved in ice next to a police box. He is found to have on paper the beginnings of the language of 1337

[edit] 1060

  • Jake Narlson rips his arm off from the other corner of the galaxy.
  • Michael Jackson, is born for the first time. Many reincarnations of this oddly interesting man will be born over the years. The very first Michael Jackson, was born somewhere along the country lines of Vietnam. Michael the first was born a white kid to two happy asians, Mi Pi and Yu pi.
  • Double D conquers Thailand and starts the Thai boy industry.

This was also the brief period when Pokemon roamed the earth. However, that era was short lived because of a massive execution of pokemon by their trainers. They forgot their Pokemon in their pokeballs and subsequently they all died of starvation.

[edit] 1064

A year commonly associated with the birth of Jesus after a harsh battle with a taking high on spearmint flavored pretzels. It is also the year J.F.K. defeated Godzilla, after a failed attempt to destroy J.F.K. with a presidential pretzel. The pretzel is commonly known as the mastermind behind the assassination of the spiritual leader John Howard, who was head of the Church of England in Mozambique. This year had such lucrative events such as the birth of Muhammud Ali and Cher, the singer/song writer that took the world by storm and then was later killed in a nasty homocide/murder by sporting star Sporty Spice. Sporty Spice was a champion in the sport of Skipping Stones where contestants are asked to explain what a perfect world it would be without Cookie Jar, which Oscar the Grouch resides in. As previously implied it was a crazy year, and with the first nuclear bomb dropped on the South American country of New Zealand the world was in turmoil.

[edit] 1066

The year before the year after 1066.

King Harold, pwn3d by William
King Harold, pwn3d by William

1066 was the year that England won the world cup for the first time in history. Scientists put this down to sun spots.

1066 was a banner year for France, with hometown favourite William, Duke of Normandy earning his nickname of "the Conqueror" by beating 32 opponents at "War Craft -XII: The Conquering" in a battle.net tourney. First prize was England. This was notable because the French actually won something, although the winners were really Vikings posing as French.

  • Chimbinha kills Joe Petrucci and his horde of evil monkeys with his guitar solo.
  • Dysentery and Plague had best-selling albums that year, and Famine played to sold-out crowds in Central Europe well into the following spring.
  • Nostradamus predicted the invention of water, then made it come true by passing the formula to his local Alchemist Guild.
  • The Battle of Stamford Bridge takes place on Jaysbane Bridge in Scotland. Jaysbane Bridge was later renamed Stamford Bridge in honor of the battle.
  • The letter W entered beta testing in Paris.
  • The City of Morley seceded from the UK in protest at "being run by a bunch of bloody foreigners".
  • Nun-Bunting banned by the Catholic Church.
  • The Bayeux (also known as the 'It's OK by me if it's OK Bayeux') Tapestry (commissioned by Bishop Frodo) illustrated these occurrences, as well as predicting the accession of William with the permission of Harold and the Purple Crayon.
  • Bowling was invented.
  • Bowling was banned. (Reversed in 1638)
  • The Battle of Hastings took place. It got its name from the popular insurance company.
  • The Cha Cha Slide was temporarily outlawed during the Battle of Hastings. While the English performed the dance when they defeated the Normans, the ban was never officially repealed.
  • McCains Oven Chips declared hazardous to the health of cats.
  • Mr. Flibble published his breakthrough novel Universe.
  • Sylvester the Cat gave birth to Abba one-man tribute band Neil morgan
  • Harold II tries his hand at writing with Ae Liste of Words of Onne Letter Begynning With A, but the results are a bit cockeyed
  • Sometime in October - Something happened, but I'm not quite sure what.
  • Bobson invented.
  • Something happened and some people was like WHOA it happened.
  • Lu Bu invades England, Saxons lose everything to him. He then gives England to the Normans so he can kick their asses in later times.

[edit] 1067

The year after 1066.

  • Characterised by the frantic efforts of the population to learn French, following William the Conkerer's decisive victory over King "Don't be ridiculous, they can't shoot arrows this far!" Harold.
  • William won the battle 3-2 in extra time with his mighty horse chestnut. However, recent archaeological evidence suggests that he may have soaked it in vinegar and baked it in the oven first, a typical French cheating technique.
  • Hitler invents Windows.
  • Spam was discovered by Sir.Bill Gates: viagra sales double.

[edit] 1069

The year after 1068

  • The famous Tim "snackpak" LaMay invents beefpudding after an unfortunate adventure with a cow and chocolate milk powder. Many hookers and knights of the round table were lost in this atrocity of the human existance.
  • Also Willy Wonka invents Moose Factory, Ontario, Canada, as a reserve and pimp hideout for Tim "snackpak" LaMay after he is listed as wanted for stealing Chocolate milk powder from evil boss tweed and leaving him a poopy flavored lollypop.

[edit] 1086

  • June 37: Jordan The Not-So-Great fights along side with Chuck Norriss to fend off the Wearbinos from destroying the Homestar Runner. Trogdor the BURNINATOR rises to power and eventually kills off 1/2 of Eurobania.
  • Ben Stiller becomes a male model and along with Owen Wilson, his "rubby buddy", the become rediculously good looking and make a movie.
  • Users on Uncylopedia freak and participate in mass suicide bombings when they realize certain users can't spell "ridiculously" damnit.

[edit] 1111

  • This year goes rogue and travels throughout time as its own entity, trapping and collecting insane people.
  • Most people just wait until 1112.

[edit] 1137

[edit] 1204

[edit] 1209

Fucking is now accepted and an hourly ritual of the time period.

'Bold text'dont do this you bsters

--68.153.118.241 14:03, 15 September 2008 (UTC)math

[edit] 1216

  • April 23 -First jokes about Magna Carta being signed in/at 1215. (Punchline: I just missed it!) Widely considered "Unfunny".

[edit] 1219

The Flag of Denmark
The Flag of Denmark
  • 1219AD, June 15 - On this day Estonian spice merchants made their way from the Silk Road through Very Northern Germany to sell Denmark its flag, which had been lovingly made in Estonia from a few painted bricks. It was purchased for 2 beers by Danish King Valdemar II, who, it was said, had a certain penchant for Estonian beer.


[edit] 1220

  • The Dark Ages are briefly illuminated by a massive explosion in Syria on April 4th.
  • King Wossisname of Saxony declares the Fifth Crusade. Hundreds of thousands of troop off to the Holy Land only to find Jerusalem closed for maintenance, so they all go home again.
  • The reconstruction of the great cathedral at Chartes is finally completed with the installation of the Masturbation Window in the north wall.
  • A player entered the online game Star Wars Galaxies, taking the name "Denmark". He was presently cornered in the Mos Eisely Cantina and bored by some n00b who's name cannot be pronounced. Denmark was last seen escaping the n00b in his speeder.

This is the only year in the 13th century, due to a power failure.

[edit] 1225

[edit] 1228

  • Nick Knight was brought across.
  • Nick Knight was sent back.
  • Nick Knight was assassinated by Toilet Seats from the year 27856975.

[edit] 1230

  • Paul McCartney became king of England.
  • John Lennon is still god and always will be.

[edit] 1233

Edgar
Edgar
  • Edgar Davids was born late in the year to a set of Hungarian parents. Neither wanted him and he was promptly discarded. The level of regret they felt as they saw him dominate the world of inflated spheres was ludicrously high. Balls to Edgar, were like puppies and he always had a spare hand to stroke them with. He was a kick master. A ball lord.
  • 1233 was made to make you ask "why 1233?"

[edit] 1231

  • The mandoline is not invented in this year.
  • The mandoline is still not invented.
  • Someone tries to invent the mandoline, but perishes in a freak mandoline accident.
  • No one cares what a mandoline is.

[edit] 1234

This year was only included because the numbers form some sort of unrecognizable pattern that only people with an IQ level above 14 can figure out. Consequently, you cannot understand the pattern.

[edit] 1239

  • After sticking a number of small flute-like instruments into a cow stomach, a caber-tossing Highlander plays the first bagpipe melody in a true defining moment of Scottish heritage.
  • Murder is invented.

[edit] 1247

[edit] 1253

  • July 6 - Grand Duke Mindaugas is crowned King of Lithuania in the Cathedral of Vilnius.
  • Winter - The Talullattay aliens arrive from planet Trimlor. A young Mexican woman named Emuda welcomes them into her home. They stay with her for many months and they are keen to know all about Emuda and her life in Mexico. She is force- fed grapes by BrumBru the highest in command, as the aliens wrongly believe the grapes to have mystical powers. Temilux sits with Emuda and tells her stories of wonder, tales about colonies of intelligent swirling bubbles that co-exist with floating goat-birds. Emuda doesn't understand the relevance this has to her situation. This annoys Temilux greatly because he had believed Emuda would be extremely impressed. It becomes a little awkward in the room so the aliens quietly leave.

[edit] 1256

  • The great light bulb ejection incident occurs

PETA is created, the world is Yes! (...No)

[edit] 1256

April 1 - Due to a freak twist of spacetime, the year 1256 happens again. People are ready for their light bulbs to eject this time, but also notice the previously unseen shortage of wheat.

[edit] 1258.3

  • March 1 - The study of Chocology is banned in Chocotopia.
  • June 15 - Dan Brown finishes his novel based on the Tim "Snackpak" LaMay and the beefpudding incident of 1069 in a book he later named The DaVinci Code. After much prompting from the editor the contents of the book were changed to reflect the hunt for the Holy Grail after the editor felt the novel was too graphic for modern audiences.
  • December 5 - Oscar Wilde gives/receives first blowjob to self.

[edit] 1260

  • June 12 - The Chocotopians die out and become extinct. Their many secrets are inherited by the Germans.

[edit] 1261

  • July 27 The Great World Blackout happens. There would be no day for 5 days.
  • July 27 Flashlight is invented.
  • August 2 God forgot it was night when it was supposed to be day, so he turned on the light. Again.

[edit] 1264

  • People just basically had a really good time getting to know each other. Strangers would pass on the street and shake hands. The women would hug and dogs mated with a quiet enthusiasm unparalleled in any era before or since.

[edit] 1271

  • February 31 - Emperor Khan Noonien Singh steals the Book of Genesis from the Bible, and replaces it with a bunch of silly myths.
  • July -6 - Young French peasant Napoleon Bonaparte accidentally invents time travel, finds himself in Corsica.
  • August 723 - Giant mutant hamsters devour the rogue supercontinent of Gondwanaland.
  • Smarch 2πi - The Church sacks the entire Department of Chronology for gross ineptitude, causing all Europe to sink deeper into the Dark Ages.
  • September 15 - Osama Bin Laden's father Haid d'Salaami introduces Camel Rockets: A technique in which you shove a rocket in a camel's mouth and smash its nuts with a hammer to release the missile at a specific target.
  • Queen Elizabeth II and George Washington are born.

[edit] 1275

  • Betty Crocker born.
  • Jimbo Wales is born
  • It is believed that these two people are, in fact, the same person. This claim is backed up by the fact they have never been photographed together, and also because Oscar Wilde said so.

[edit] 1287

[edit] 1293

  • November 16 - This day came immediately after January 3. Fierce battles still rage in the halls of academia as to whether this was meant to re-align the celestial calendar, or simply because King Socrates wanted to raise himself above the legal drinking age. If you venture into the halls of academia, be sure to wear a helmet and kneepads.

[edit] 1295

  • December 3 - Chocotopia is sold in cubic miles to Germany, Oscar Wilde and Bill Gates.

[edit] 1296

  • Braveheart defeats the English in Stirling Bridge, and in the streets of London.

“"They may take our wives but they'll never take our pies"”

~ William Wallace

“"FREEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!111111"”

~ William Wallace
  • Lu Bu eats Braveheart for breakfast, he then pushes all the Scots out of England with one hand. Lu Bu then jumps to France where he proceeds to demoralise the population with his presence.

[edit] 1322

  • Tesla begins work on his ideas for an army of androids. He shocks the world with his speed and single mindedness. The villagers balk as the occasional single android appears in town, robbing, mudering, writing bad checks, etc. But at the eleventh hour he dies in a battle with, then hero, Abraham Lincoln before he could attain his ultimate dream.
  • Narnia experiences the Great Leprechaun Invasion of 1322, so named because High King Peter took 1,322 leprechauns prisoner. Narnia experiences a golden age, as well as an upsurge in the consumption of Lucky Charms.

[edit] 1332

-The Devil Doubles Up

-The Great Dodgeball Massacre of 1332

[edit] 1333

  • June 7 - The bus stop was invented, two minutes before the invention of the bus.
  • November 11 - Sweden was built by evil pixies from chocotopia.
  • Michel Jackson's first form (the white kid born in Vietnam) dies in jumping out of the way of a car only to be hit by a bus. unfortunately it was the same bus he was about to wait for at the recently invented bus stop that was on the other side of the road from the playground. Investigators never figured out why he was there, some believe he had lost his wallet the day before.
  • Norway is created to spite Sweden

[edit] 1334

  • Immigration of 1337 haxx0rs of the planet zorlack 7

[edit] 1335

  • Rape invented, hilarity ensued.
  • Michel Jackson is reincarnated as a young native boy, and enjoys playing alone in his room. for some strange reason he ages at 3x the rate of normal human being. Michel will grow up to sue the creater of bus stops but will lose because of controversial information about his nose.

[edit] 1336

  • December sometime - After the invention of the powerhax, the world felt a serious sense of suspense, as though something was about to happen.
  • Napoly (The month after December) - World authorities decide to temporarily introduce an extra month into the year, simply because they are enjoying the suspense too much. This, in turn, drives the majority of the world insane, due to the breaking of their sleeping patterns, resulting in the events of the following year.
  • The bus stop was banned
  • Powerhaxes were invented.
  • commonly known as the "Year before 1337" as it was, indeed the year before "1337" "1337" is indeed one of the greatest years ever known, as it is mainly used as a sanitary towel for the year "1066" and "23434" and also, though slightly frowned upon, the year "2123124347.12 ver. 12"
  • Penises are invented by Jesus Dubya Bush. Women around the world have a giant orgasm, later known as "The Queef heard 'round the World". This starts the invasion of 73H 1337 H4X0R2 0F 73H P14N3T Z0R1ACK 7.

[edit] 1337

“1 !* 73!-! 1337 !*\/\/!\!20!2”

~ Everyday 1337 user on himself

“imnot a n00000b1!12!!”

~ n00b on himself

“*Ban*”

~ srn347, er I mean a moderator on 1337

“!/\/ 50V!37 l2l_l55!4, 1337 5p34k5 '/0(l_l!”

~ l2l_l55!4/\/ l23V3l241 on 1337
In the year 1337, cereal for breakfast started to become common in technologically-advanced cultures.
In the year 1337, cereal for breakfast started to become common in technologically-advanced cultures.
  • n00b Y34r 0f 73h n00b
  • |)34n P4773r50n 15 80r|\|
  • 8u5h 15 80R|\| 7() R3L13\/3 |\/|4|\||{1n|) fr0m \/\/4R 4nd 54d|\|355.
  • 7h3 |4|\|6u463 |337 (1337) 15 1|\|\/3n73|) f0R P30p|3 w|-|0 4R3 5k1||3d 1n 7h3 4r7 0f (0mp|_|73r 64|\/|1|\|6; 17 15 4|50 |_|53d 45 4 (()|)3 |4n6u463 wh1(h m4Y 83 533n 45 |-|4rd 70 |_|nd3r574|\|d 8y 50|\/|3.
  • (0136 93r3|)160n \/\/45 f0|_|n|)3d 8y 50m3 n00b

n00b: All Noobs will not be able to understand the Following. 1337: @1l N0085 \/\/1|| N0+ 83 @8l3 to U|\||)3r$+@Nd +3# F0||o\/\/1n9.

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[edit] 3v3n75

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[edit] n3w8s

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[edit] pwned 8y d37h!!111i^4one!

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1337(leet, leat, beat) also known as 31337(Eleet, elite)

[edit] S1l3nt_F4ng!

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[edit] |@$+ /\/0+3$

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[edit] N008 0|\| 7H4 h4X0R2 1337

n00b: 0k, 7H3 1337 U53) lN 7Hl5 P493 l5 W4Y 70 10N9. l M33N WH47 7H3 H311. )035N'7 7H15 5l73 UN)3R574N) 7H47 1337 l5 7H3 14N9U493 0F 7H3 H4X0R2. N07 7H3 N0085 0F 7H3 W0R1).

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[edit] I W45 80RN

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[edit] 1338

1338 is believed to be the year following 1337. This has been disputed, however; some scholars claim the existence of an intervening year, called 1337XP, 1337 Beta 0.2, 0080r1337, 1337½, 1337a or 1337.5 (No relation to the year 1138 or George Lucas' Film THX-1138, nor it's sequel)

1338 is widely considered the year when the general populous stopped talking like the morons in 1337.

The year 1338 is regarded as a failed successor to the year 1337. The language invented '1337+1' was blown up by a freak flying toilet over the city of Jagarehgrhrutions (pronounced 'berightbackneedtheloo).

Recently discovered, 1338 was named after 8|11 1338, a cyborg constructed by the borg to ease the assimilation of humans by writing music about robots and cyborgs ruling the human race, thinking that if humans hear it enough, they'll assume robotic control is true and would kick-ass. He was given insane musical equipment and was programmed with 1337 mastery of their usage, and with this power, started the organization known as Front Line Assmelby (FLA). Unfortunately, the stress of running FLA and the rigors of finding new recruits caused a short in his circuitry and 1338 went AWOL. 1338 started releasing druggie and trippie music under the guise of Delerium, and the borg had to construct another cyborg (model: Soy Leeb) to take control over FLA to lead the borg to world domination. Unfortunately as well, Soy Leeb was not as skilled in music writing as 1338 was, as he was programmed for stealth and infiltration techniques, not assimilation techniques, and we were subjected to a recording known as "Civilization" which broke human kind from their stupors originially put in place by 1338. The borg tactic worked, though, as Civilization caused 1338 to go into Chuck Norris mode to terminate Soy Leeb and retake control of FLA. In honor of such levels of kick-ass, a year was named for 1338.

[edit] Poetry

Many of the great poets that flourished in 1337 were shot in 1338, and some of them died of the gunshot wounds. Most of the surviving poets would be killed in 1339 with a weapon (invented in 1336) called an aXorZ.

Although James Joyce and at least one Jesus survived the massacre, they would face their worst criticism in 1338.

[edit] Knightly Orders

The Knights of Ni entered their first battle in 1338, losing 24 of their 25 men against the newly-formed Knights of Ne, who were severely uninjured. Although the Knights of Ne would disband in 1339, the Knight of Ni vowed to avoid future battles at any cost.

[edit] Other events in 1338

  • Roman computer programmers stormed Nubia, drove out all the Nubians and killed their leader Anubis. This forced many Nubians, even those with Noobitus, to leave Nubia and head for the New World and Europe.
  • The United States Of America declare a war on coolness.

The internet asploded.

  • Pepperland was finally invaded by the United States, who were trying to "keep the peace."

[edit] 1344

=1344 1/2= Threeve Some guy in some place did something which lead to EXTREME amounts of YES!

  • David Letterman is born

[edit] 1345

[edit] 1346-1348

  • This year is the best, so people try to remember it, here is why it is so damn good:
    • My Dad Molested me
    • My Momma Molested me
    • Chuck Norris Molested me
    • Cars aren't invented.
    • Dildos are made out of stone, and weigh roughly 8 pounds.
    • the awsome language leet is spoken for the 1st time, most famous of them is n00b and LOL

THEN

Black death says hi to Jews.

[edit] 1349

Bea Arthur is born.

AND

Black death pwns 25,000,000 Jews! Then designs an ancestor to be born in 1889! Too bad Black Death > Hitler 1889

AND!1

"The Year" becomes the first abstract noun ever to be a Norwegian Black Metal band.

[edit] 1360

  • October 14 Gollum breaks up with Tom Cruise.
  • November 1 Chuck Norris takes a long sleep. He wouldn't wake up for 250 years.
  • December 24 God breaks up with himself... Oh wait he can't break up with himself.

[edit] 1362

  • Move along, nothing to see here.

[edit] 1365

Kahn and Rambo engage in a battle of wits, Rambo is destroyed, and unfortunately reincarnated nearly 600 years later


[edit] 1371

[edit] 1373

  • English poet Sir Didwood Vadergrarn dies at the age of 83.
  • Teh start of the dyslexic 1337 era.
  • The year when typos became 1337.
  • The first talking bear was discovered at 10:00pm, due to the curiosity of a small fat man.
  • Pamela Anderson makes a sex tape with a monkey.
  • The band Genesis was thought of, but not later formed until 1376.

[edit] 1380

[edit] 1387


Harry Potter KOed Voldemort with His 1337n355

[edit] 1389

  • A large amount of rainfall causes the ancient city of Atlantis to sink.

Many philosophers begin a debate on the actual cause of the increase in rainfall, but they only managed to agree on the fact that Oscar Wilde had something to do with it.

  • Cheese is invented, this causes many riots, and cows protest. The cow protest eventually turns into an entire farmyard animal brawl, thus cheese is banned in several countries, until the Great Dairy War of 1477
  • the Dark Ages Finally end when somebody flicks the Light switch to ON!

[edit] 1405

[edit] 1408

  • John Cusack gets trapped in an evil room.
  • Samuel L. Jackson fails to mention that there were snakes in that room
  • John Cusack beats everyone to the holy grail, only to notice it hasn't been cleaned since the last user Tim "Snackpak" LaMay used it to mix beef pudding for Eliot Spitzer's call girls.

[edit] 1419

December 23-Jim Graves is born and kills every man woman and child of albania.

December 24-He then goes to his home in florida and pwns noobs on runescape with his level 51 mage.

December 25-He parties with Jesus for his Birthday Party and they kill all of their brain cells in a massive drinking binge.

December 26- Jim Graves dies of alcohol poisoning.

December 27- Jim Graves is reincarnated as Chuck Norris and he sucks the life out of fetuses until he is back to his normal self

December 28- He bombs Iwo Jima and turns it in to a planet full of unicorns

December 29- He creates evil zombies to take over Australia.

December 30- He is official world ruler and bombs mars

December 31- He goes into hiding when he decides he can take over more people in 2008.

[edit] 1420

-Jim Graves re appears but only to burninate pluto with Trogdor.

-Marijuana is farmed for the *n*th time

[edit] 1427

  • February 11, Simon The Sorcerer, creator of the ImageMagick Toolkit, is born.
  • April 23, Ayatollah Khomeini sells his soul to Satan.
  • May 2, Satan sues Khomeini for selling him faulty merchandise.
  • May 13 Satan wins lawsuit against Khomeini.

[edit] 1433

[edit] 1447

  • In the year 1447, God created the Earth, contrary to popular belief (and a very very mistaken belief it was....).
  • The FBI is founded by demons, primarily to prosecute aliens that fail to return their video-discs on time.
  • Dyslexics tried to create the language 1447 but it didn't catch on.
  • Late 1337 immigrants from uranus came exactly 110 years to late for 1337.

[edit] 1453

[edit] 1454

  • The Great Wijmanus is accidentally born in italy.
  • Mario reports first goomba is crushed by above, and is addicted.
  • Sprinting becomes incredibly popular. People begin to sprint needlessly.
  • King Edmundo of Wales whom throughout his life had been found to believe absolutely everything he was told no matter how far fetched. Had become the nations plaything and eventually committed suicide at the age of 60. It is strongly believed that he was actually tricked into it by his mother.
  • A war happened.
  • Several fires are started simultaneously and everyone is so warm that they begin to masturbate.
  • Lu Bu appears in Italy, he walks into the Vatican where he proceeds to beat the Pope around the head, accidentally decapitating him. Lu Bu then disappears.

[edit] 1456

[edit] 1470

[edit] 1470

  • the first mac is invented
  • the first mac crashes in terrible explosion, causing the extinction of pokemon
  • Jesus discovers the first usb flash drive in the meteor crash that killed the meegles.

[edit] 1477

  • Great Dairy War takes place, many cows are slaughtered, some are killed, others murdered. Some cows even had their lives taken away.
  • Chuck Norris breakdances, causing the Bubonic Plague

[edit] 1478

  • July 15 - In an effort to conserve the use of certain letters, the International Letter Committee declares 1479 "'I' Conservation Year".

[edit] 1479

Memphis Zachry appears and beats the shit out of Al Gore for making a bori movie. Memphis then went on rampage and shanked 20,000 people at a terrorist conveion in Los Angeles. Memphis is then named hero and then joins Chuck Norris on the American Badass Hall of Fame. Soon after Memphis falls n a broad-tip arrow and catches a staff infection.

[edit] 1480

  • July 15 - nternatnal Letter Cmmttee declares 1481 "'N' Cnservatn Year".

[edit] 1480

  • July 14 - god dys... but gets betr

[edit] 1481

[edit] 1482

  • July 15 - teatal Lette Cmmttee declaes 1483 "'C' Csevat Yea".

[edit] 1483

  • July 15 - All International Letter Committee members are assassinated (most likely by Phantom Japanese Log Riders or the Dance Dance Revolution Ninjas), as the Б is reinstated. Since 1478, the International Letter Committee had voted to cease using certain letters.

[edit] 1484

Dutch Edgar
Dutch Edgar

[edit] 1490

  • April 10 - Juan Ponce de Leon discovers the Fountain of Youth in Florida, shrugs and sets up a retirement community around it.
  • June 15 - Jesus returned, but no one cared.
  • August 5 - Alf travels to Europe via stargate, eats Schroedinger's cat and wrecks Pope Unisex XXL's motorcycle.
  • December 25 - People decide not to celebrate Christmas because of a shortage of gift wrap.
  • December 28 - Suplies of gift wrap come from Antarctica and Christmass is celebrated, late.

[edit] 1491

  • June 8 - A cave painting is discovered which would later be the inspiration for the movie Opiate of the Molasses.
  • June 10ish - Christopher Columbus made up the Old Navy in one of his famous drunken fits as part of his plan to sail through the center of the Earth backwards. The Old Navy included one other member, the navigator Donald Duck, but was eventually removed from duty for not showing up to work despite the excuse he had been dead for over 1300 years.

The Old Navy was later replaced two years later in 1493 by an actual naval fleet led by Juan Valdez who needed a way to transport his Donkey Invasion Fleet.

[edit] 1492

[edit] The Reconquista

Often overshadowed by Columbus' "achievement" in the same year (in reality a legal battle had been going on since 1490 over the rights to the "discovery" of the new world between Columbus and Amerigo Vespucci) the Spanish remember 1492 as the year the Reconquista ended and the last Moor was driven from the good Christian soil that is Iberia. In this year the last Moorish Sultan, Muhammad XII, surrendered Granada to Ferdinand and Isabella of Castile and quietly withdrew his people to Africa.

Little did Muhammad know, the Spanish have very little respect for diplomacy and peace and his "cowardly" act soon made him the laughing-stock of all Spain. This resulted in the people of Spain dropping the use of "YO MAMA!" to justify humorless statements and replacing it with "YO SULTAN!"

The Portuguese chronicler Luis de Camões also records in his work Os Lusiadas a scene in this year where Paulo da Gama responds "That's what Muhammad said!" when asked a question by Vasco da Gama.

[edit] 1493

[edit] 1497

[edit] 1512