1800
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(Redirected from 1838)
This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from 1800AD to 1899AD.
[edit] 1799
nkey' he'd eat your face and burn down your family.
- King George III briefly considers going mad again, decides to postpone it.
- Rain of wildebeeste in Manitoba.
- Napoleon gets caught in his zipper.
“O! the pain!!”
- October - Ichabod Crane mysteriously disappears from Sleepy Hollow.
- Rameses Thing, Great Khan of Turkey is assassinated by his own bodyguard, the Khanettes.
- New South Wales Governor Captain John Hunter invents the rotary lawnmower. This wonderous contraption remains unused until the invention of two-stroke fuel.
- In a surprise move, the Czar decides to continue opressing Russian peasants. 'What can I say? We were on a roll. We Czars can just keep on doing this, and we'll never get our comeuppance! No comeuppance!'
- Japanese artist Afake Namu invents hentai. Hailed as a hero by the people of Japan, he is immediately promoted to Emperor and given all the ink and paper he wanted.
- Pope John-Thomas VII dies, is succeeded by Pope Alison-Ashley IX.
“Mares eat Popes and does eat Popes and little lambs eat the Moderator of the General Assembly of the Church of Scotland...”
- Due to an administrative error in the British parliament, the Act of Union makes Ireland a part of Hungary.
- Oscar Wilde makes several pithy quotes, in spite of not being born yet. Physicists put this down to some sort of infinite time loop involving Wilde, though they, as yet, have no details.
- And in Sweden, nothing bloody happened, as usual.
- Luis H. Aguilera coined the term imbecil-ized.
- Samuel Taylor Coleridge, poet and rap artist, gunned down by an Albatross gang in revenge for killing an albatross and writing a dumb poem about it.
- Paris Hilton is congened in the Dagobah system.
- Portugal is voted coolest country in the world
[edit] 1801
- The great You have two cows project was launched at the Vatican. While it began as a small, low budget enterprise it quickly grew into one of the most successful money makers in recent years.
- 1801 also signaled the invention of the Aeroplane by super intelligent Stoats that had escaped from Bedlam (a high security mental hospital).
- The Pimp Drummers Society was formed in America by three Afro-American drummers.
- The leader of the stoats, Arthur Dent also went on to star in The Hitch Hikers Guide to Barking.
- Pork and beans invented by the Jews, suprisingly, it's not kosher. All Jews go missing for 6 hours to allegedly discuss the matter. During this time, Bruce Willis is elected President of the Jews and proceeds to eat all pork and beans in Eastern Europe. This is never mentioned again until 2 days later.
- Spain invades and crushes Portugal so they are no longer the coolest country in the world
[edit] 1802
- The most advanced computer of all time was uninvented.
- France decides that it will sell the Louisiana Territory to the United States in 1803.
- French army invades Switzerland. God finds this conflict so utterly pointless, that he skips forward to 1804. 1803 never happens.
[edit] 1804
- German commander Ludwig van Beethoven plants, what will later become the trees lining the streets of Paris, during World War I for troops to march through Paris in the shade. These trees would later shade German troops in furure wars against France including World War II, the Russian Revolution, and the Franco-Prussian War. The planting is later desbribed by Otto von Bismarck in De Bello Gallico eventually becoming that years bestseller.
- The Nobel Peace Prize is awarded to Napoleon Bonaparte.
- Flitterby College is founded by world famous aviator Darles.H.Charline. The following year, Flitterby takes to the skies and instantly crashes into Jusmiluck College, destroying it completely.
- September 4thAbraham Lincoln is born in Minnesota.
- The tv show Muppet Babies makes its debut. Noted for its use of cloning technology and a mutation to make the babies remain no older than two years old, the show received poor reviews mostly due to no one being able to understand what the babies were saying, and was eventually cancelled after several weeks.
- Gravity is invented by physicist Gwen Stefani.
- Apples started falling from trees pretty soon after the invention of gravity.
- May 29 - On the 13th Anniversary of Sodium Penthanol Day (SPD), Oscar Wilde discovers an Archimedes Text describing the day. He then writes the quote, "WTF happened to Sodium Penthanol day?!?," resulting in a world-wide celebration of SPD in which 2.7 million people inadvertently killing themselves.
- July 11 - Former United States Secretary of the Treasury Alexander Hamilton is fatally injured after falling in a tug of war with longstanding political rival and Vice President Bob Dole.
- The sun splits into two
- Paris Hilton is born
[edit] 1805
- June 5th Edgar Davids is born on a speeding train. (He is born quite often)
- October 45th - United Islands of Europe's president Karlo Juhannus Stälber be assassinated. Abraham Lindström become his successor.
- Emancipation Proclaimation made by Benjamin Franklin.
- Jimmy Dean rises to power in China, claiming that he could "enhance their sausages".
- Chicago has its quickest day since records began. Everyone cheered because they were so happy that the day was fast and everyone agreed that it was very special.
- Luxembourg holds a secret poll to become the coolest country in the world
[edit] 1808
Due to an oversight by the International Keeper of Years, 1808 didn't happen until the very end of 1822. As a result everyone had to really rush to get things finished before 1823.
[edit] Events
- 06:00 - The Alarm Clock went off. Panjit Purdan Singh, a cobbler in Madras turned it off and everyone went back to sleep.
- 07:30 - Gretchen Scheiden, a housewife from Klutz, woke up feeling peckish. Realising the time, she woke up the rest of the world and put the kettle on.
- 09:00 - Due to hangovers, approximately 15,000 people skipped breakfast and just had black coffee.
- 11:03 - Beginning work on his fifth Symphony, Ludwig Van Beethoven sneezed violently and accidentally knocked over the ink. The resultant mess became the opening 'DA DA DA DUM' that school-children around the world know and love.
- 13:00 - Russia and Sweden declared a temporary ceasefire so that the Tsar could have lunch with the Czar, the Csar and the Tzar.
- 16:00 - England stopped for Tiffin.
- 17:28 - Miller Time in the Colonies.
- 23:59 - New Year's Celebrations around the world lasted about 50 seconds, with the remaining 10 seconds used up by everyone going '10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, Happy New Year' and then singing Auld Lang Syne.
[edit] 1809
Did you know that by adding 1 and 8, you get the same thing as 0 and 9? So this date really could have been 9018 or 8190 or even 0189! But it's not.
[edit] Events
- Sorry. We were so engrossed with the numerical possibilities, we never got around to researching this year. Or 9018...
[edit] 1811
1810 and 1811 unexpectedly decided to switch places. No news yet on how 1812 is taking the move. However, there are talks of 2010 and 2011 following suit.
[edit] 1810
- May 3 - Lord Byron swims the Hellespont, for which he is finally awarded his Silver swimming badge.
- May 5 - Mexico declares its independence.
- May 18 - FWAAC is outlawed.
- July 4 - Louisville, KY is named, formerlly known as West Lexington
[edit] 1812
A year made famous primarily by the war in which Mexico, United States, Britain, and Texas (collectively, the Atlantic Axis) invaded Canada and killed God at the Battle of Badon Hill (God eventually recovered with the help of Chuck Norris). Fortunately the Axis powers were persuaded by the wily undertakings of the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God to surrender unconditionally as the Canadians burnt the White House. Not one drop of blood was shed, except when Baal was summoned from Hell. Baal, being known for his prowess as a lawyer, was summoned to write up the papers which bewildered and amazed the unsuspecting invaders. Canadians enjoy good relations with Ninjas, Pirates and Vikings after this point. They still don't trust Zombies or Robots. Relations with Gunslingers are meh.
It is a well known fact that 1812 is the dawn of time.
- The Great grease fire of 1812 occurred, destroying a record number of marijuana and cocaine crops (oh and I think a few people were killed too).
- British naval officer Captain William Bligh, commanding the Bounty 2 is killed with his crew while trying to acquire mañana fruit from Kiribati Island.
- The cult known as the Youth Culture claims responsibility for the death of the mascot of the popular music group They Might Be Giants during the Great Phallic Terrorist Attack of 1812 in Oprah's first attempt for world domination.
- Halo 2 was born, thanks to Karl Marx, with the help of Oscar Wilde.
- The 1812 overture was Inspired, however plans for its comstruction would not begin until 1943.
- The Great Gay Migration of 1812 kicked off, and, consequently, the Gay Supercowboy Alliance is organized by Ponce de Leon and Wal Mart founder John Walton (aka John Boy).
- Puzzle potato officially refound.
- The War of 1812 did not happen in this year.
- Airport's existence forgotten.
- Tchaikovsky wins the War of 1812.
[edit] 1813
- The robots of Sicilian city of Spring Yard Zone ratify the laws of thermodynamics to their constitution.
- Halo 2 kills Karl Marx. Oscar Wilde goes into the witness protection program.
- The Goat Act of 1669 is passed by the Auxiliary Bipolar Orchestral Canadian Parliament.
[edit] 1814
- Janft Jackson becomes Queen of Rhythm Nation.
- We took a little trip, down with Colonel Jackson on the mighty mississip'
[edit] 1815
- Napoleon invented Dynamite.
- ABBA reached #1 in the UK Top 40 with their hit single Battle of Waterloo.
- Clint Eastwood was locked up in Azkaban prison.
- Dr. Phil became a real person.
- Halo 2 committs suicide, leaving Oscar Wilde to come out of hiding for his famed tour of Europe.
- The great masculine, unstoppable, Napolean killing British army gets it's ass kicked by a bunch of rednecks, negro slaves, and feral pirates in The Battle for New Orleans. How demoralizing.
[edit] 1816
- Volcano go boom. Everyone freeze to death. Thus, nothing happen for many moons.
- During the confusion, Clint Eastwood escapes.
“That's Heavy Doc!.. ”
~ Marty McFly on We're all gonna Die Now!
[edit] 1819
1819 was okay.
[edit] 1821
- Such a remarkably dull year that the International Keeper of Years is persuaded to skip ahead to 1823.
- Although Bartholomew Bantam developed the process of xerography no one really cared for about 48 years.
[edit] 1822
There was no 1822, apart from an area in South West Spain, as no-one tells them that the year was cancelled. But even though this year never happened the people of South West Spain vote to make Italy the coolest country in the world. But when they visit they realise that they have gone through time so they invent Bull Polo to pass the time
[edit] 1823
- Benjamin Franklin succeeds Thomas Jefferson as President of the Ununited Scrapes of Armania. Later that year, Jefferson is elected President of the United Spades of America.
- The Cheese Famine of 1823, attributed to evil pixies, devastates the world causing mass migrations from Wisconsin, Cornwall, and Brazil (from which Brazilian refugees would settle in Ireland eventually becoming the first inhabitants from which the modern day Irish would decend from.
- Sauron takes control over Blizzard of Warcraft 3.
- Lu Bu takes over Asia as a practical joke. It didn't go down well with Russia. Lu Bu then proceeds to invade Africa, he then realises this was meant to be a joke and gives Asia to Russia as a housewarming gift. Later that year, the house burns down when an incident involving vodka, a dragon and your mom gets out of hand.
- The ancient Swedish city of Skansen is found by a foreign exchange student.
- Modern day Geography is discovered when Ron Jeremy, on his way to a cock fight in Tijuana, Mexico takes a wrong turn at Albuquerque and ends up in New Mexico.
- Cornwall suffers the Cheese Famine of 1823.
- The Mexico City Jaguars defeat the Madrid Conquistadors.
- Alaska is bought from the Indians for 12 beads and a moose by This guy.
- The long mystery of the construction of metal Scissors is solved when when an anonymous time traveler appears and reveals how to build the modern scissors.
- The NBA franchise Utah Jazz is originally founded in Lincolnshire as the Wisbeach Fauntleroys hunting club.
- Ambrose Bierce, a writer and philosopher, is born.
- Future Major General Robert Paulson is born in Nome, Alaska.
- April 30 - David Ricardo, a noted economist, is born.
[edit] 1824
- May 3 - The American Rhyming Act of 1824 was passed by Congress. 180 years later, Eminem attempts to rhyme "syringe" with "orange" in defiance.
- Legolas Elected Prime Minister of Atlantis.
- Beethoven writes "Ode To Beans" choral symphony.
- Spork fossils found in Lower Bulgaria.
- Lord Byron has the #1 Summer Jam with "Soak Up The Sun".
- Oscar Wilde travels to Paris, where he has the time of his life hooking up with French pederasts, enjoying casual strolls through Montmartre to gawk at the penniless Bohemians living there, and basically enjoying every ravishing fantasy known (yet denied) to man -- as well as twelve known to monkeys!
[edit] Notes
- Because of a slight miscalculation by the International Keeper of Years, the events from 1809-1822 were fit into the previous year prior to 1823.
[edit] 1826
“The Battle of Seinfeld was like the funniest crap since The Battle of The Who”
~ Oscar Wilde on The Year 1826
- It is a well known fact that the year 1826 did not exist. Anyone who says it did is either lying or a robot. The only way to find out is to slap them quickly and repeatedly. If they are a robot they will kill you instantly. If they were simply lying, make sure to never talk to them again. Continue the slapping until you have determined which one they are.
- The Battle of Seinfeld begins.
- The phrase 10 items or less at the speed register Sir! is coinvented as was that word just a second ago.
- Queens fifth album Sheer Heart Attack arrives in the ever-stupid Wikipedian Database so, naturally no one else gets it.
[edit] 1827
Year of the UPS guy. It holds the diestinction of happening exactly 100 years before the greatest year in the history of mankind and, therefore, rightfully sucked balls.
- January 13 - Anonymous the First begins her reign as Pharoah of the United States.
- March 26 - Beethoven died after choking on a parsnip which he was attempting to swallow whole.
[edit] 1828
In the year 1828, nothing of interest occurred. Whatsoever.
Contrary to popular belief, however, this is not because the year was particularly boring.
- Rather, due to a little-known stipulation in the calendar reorganization by Pope Gregory XCVZII2, the year 1828 never actually took place. As a result of cleverly-placed subconscious suggestions in the widely popular Milton Babbitt's Guide to the New Testament, the citizenship of the world simply skipped the year altogether. No mention of this is made anywhere in reputable history books, because the population at large was completely oblivious to its manipulation.
- Oscar Wilde has been suspiciously absent for commentary on the matter, and it is believed that he is being held at a secret underground bunker in the vicinity of Tucson by the notorious Hutt gangster Osama Bin Cuddles.
[edit] 1829
- April 17 - James Last, covert government assassin and easy listning conductor, is born.
- May 23 - A marshmellow factory accident creates humor.
- May 29 - Doctor What, the lord of all spelling and estranged brother of Doctor Who, wonders why people in the 18th century were unable to spell 'Sodium Pentothal' and then completely frogets..fargets...fergets...errr..hwo to splel himselth. During a large riot at the 40th No Anniversary Day parade, 28 people are injured and 12 seriously killed as a statue built in honour of the parade asplodes.
- June 6 - Legendary Go player Hon'inbō Tartrate is born.
[edit] 1830
- The Great Person War took place around this year and was won by that person.
- The year Junichiro Koizumi visited Mexico to eat mexican tacos in a place called Nientiendo...
[edit] 1832
- British author Emeldormechale Twerpwookum's novel Ah, what thou I eat today ! is published. The book it most noted for introducing the term Chipset, along with various other suggestions, to British peasants for possible alternatives to sources of food which they had no hope of ever eating.
- The modern day joystick is invented by Jesus H. Christ.
- The candy company Avatar is established.
- Wolverine, future X-Man and all around badass, is born John Howler somewhere in Canada.
- Spoon and fork club is founded by future Uncyclopedian and escaped mental patient Marcos Malo
- June 29 - The Cock is adopted as the national emblem of Portugal.
- Bobwire is invented by Bob "Two-thumbs" McGinty.
[edit] 1833
[edit] 1834
Initially the year scheduled for 1777, though it was forgotten about.
- January 15 - I Think I've Stood In Something Day, was founded.
- Henry Ford puts the first flying car in production.
- John A. Macdonald founds SUNY Plattsburgh after a drinking binge.
- August 31 - The Almond Brothers break up.
- September 4 - Vlad Drakul cancels newspaper subscription.
- September 31 - The first Amish supercomputer, the iBox, was put into production. It had no buttons.
- November 9th, Walla Walla, Washington was founded.
- Charlie Chaplain formulates The Test of Faith for use in discerning whether one has a face or not
[edit] 1835
A fictional year invented by the Illuminati to explain all of the events that happened between 1834 and 1836.
Contrary to popular belief (and a terribly inaccurate Uncyclopedia article), bobwire was actually invented three years earlier, in 1832.
[edit] 1836
Ninjas decide the world is a bit crowded; over 90,000,000 homeless people are brutally killed in one tenth of a millisecond.
[edit] 1837
- Oscar Wilde, travelling through Italy on his European tour, comes across the great nude statue of David in an art museum. Gently caressing it when no one is looking, he "accidentally" breaks the genetalia off the statue.
- Shadou, lone survivor of Pangaea, regains his other-worldly fortune.
[edit] 1838
- The county seat of Fellatio, Indiana was incorporated with Oralton County, Indiana.
- Native Americans ask when the white men will stop fucking them over completely. White men fuck them over more as a result.
- The Bomberang is invented.
- Optimus Prime fails his M.O.T
[edit] 1840
- Alexander Zainanak, future Russian king and the sole ruler of the Zainanak Dynasty, is born.
- B.B. King gains his first fans, playing the opening act for a troop of men in drag. The show is a big hit in Las Vegas.
[edit] 1842
- June - A flock of seagulls lands in Limburg.
- August - Eloran starlighter is born in Norway.
- October - Cristopher Columbus discovers Cucumberland.
- December - Corn mining incident in Mexico results in dozens of lives lost and the founding of Tortilla, Mexico.
[edit] 1843
- The Great Pony Famine occurs.
- March 7 - Bret Easton Ellis is born.
- Marcus Garvey fights the first Dwarven Wars
[edit] 1844
- Turkey adopts a new flag targeted at the younger voting populace.
- Fornication discovered.
[edit] 1846
- Yellow paints, which had prevously been sold with every single picture required to be a night scene, becomes out of fashion for some reason.
“Hmm..that wasn't very funny at all.”~ Oscar Wilde on 1846
- May 11 - The Dinner Party departs from Independence, Missouri.
- May 13 - The Mexican-American War begins as The United Spades of Amerika declares war on Mexico due to a shortage of taco sauce.
- June 16 - Pius IX is elected pope on the strength of his fetching rendition of the Macarena. Through similar means he later secures successive terms in office and becomes the longest-reigning pope since the days of St. Peter's last miracle.
- July 4 - President Grover Cleveland, while attending a 4th of July gala on the whitehouse lawn, is accidentally struck by a stray spark which ignites his wig. Fortunately for the country, Millard Fillmore, the vice president happened to be sitting next to him while chewing on a large bowl of escargo horse dubies. Needless to say, the country was spared by a troop of hapless escargot snails who later joined the whig party.
- George W. (Warmongerer) Bush is born.
“Now that's more funny than a barrel full of horse dubies!”~ Oscar Wilde on 1846
- The tragic, yet oh so amusing Fractal Cow Incident in Essex, UK
[edit] 1847
- The majestic Galactic Garlic Overlords of Chappaquiddick IX invaded Earth and conquered the puny humans, whick they rename Jerques, a Chappaquiddickian word for "small naked rodents", which they thought the jerques were evolved from.
- Thankfully, the Chappaquiddickian Overlords were overtaken through the miracle of steam power, since they are allergic to water. Water doesn't kill them. Just a mild, itchy rash. But, really, what Galactic overlord wants that?
[edit] 1848
- Karl Marx posts his Communist Manifesto on usenet.
- Europe declares war on itself.
- The Great London Rising of 1848 occurs when the Cockneys of London, urged on by the Toffs invaded the surrounding counties and regions of England in search of slave labour and living space.
- Following the end of the Mexican-American War, the United States government approves the annexation of the Disneyland Five Nations Confederation territories.
- Much of the land of the Disneyland Confederation is appropriated and transferred to the Gracey family after the end of the Mexican-American War. It would later be used in 1890 to build the Gracey Estate, which later became familiarly known as the Haunted Mansion. Mickey Mouse the Great would later lead a protest occupying the house in 1952.
- The University of Mississippi is founded.
- The Dinner Party finds themselves in the Sea Of Oregon.
- September 3 - As an Acne epidemic sweeps through Japan, Tartrate Shusaku tends the patients within the Hon'inbō house until, falling ill himself, dies.
- October 17th - A dog makes newspaper headlines in Halifax, UK, by barking and chasing a cat.
[edit] 1850
- Steven Tyler is elected Prime Minister of Haiti which he holds until 1935.
- The Irish Potatoe Famine reaches its height in the time known as the Year of the Laminated Dolphin.
- Louis Pasteur discovers sideburns in his Paris laboratory.
- John Wilkes Booth is born.
- Chinese poet Chairman Mao is born.
- Political group known as the "Donner Party" emerges demanding the legalization of cannibalism.
- Lu Bu fights Chuck Norris, they both say to each other "I am your Father" in the resulting confusion they go back in time to impregnate the other's mother.
[edit] 1851
- Modern philosophers rediscover the ancient mystery that 1851 is actually 1581 backwards and not the other way around as previously thought.
- The Liverpool goat messengers replaced with the Royal Mail allowing the city to communicate outside the area for the first time.
- Music is reportedly invented by Sir William Thomson later publishing his therories in the essay On the dynamical theory of beat.
- Lee Kwan Yew is born.
- May 24 - Oscar Wilde guest stars on Queer Eye for the Straight Guy.
- June 5 - The jug band Warrant releases the popular anti-slavery song "Uncle Tom's Cabin".
- June 16 - Nothing happens.
- Donner Party goes exticnt due to members consuming one another.
[edit] 1852
- May 15 - The deposed King of Wisconsin relinquishes his royal cheese crown over to the Rebel Cow Leader Jizabell, after the successful revolution overthrows his kingdom.
- June 15 - The human clitoris is discovered.
[edit] 1853
- Decade, formerly known as a fruit drink, becomes a slang term used to describe drinking contests.
- Edwin Aloyicious Eathelred Thou-Shallt-Not-Take-the-Lord's-Name-in-Vain Bertram Trenchard, 7th Viscount Trenchard is born.
[edit] 1854
- April 1 - Famous (in Wales) Welshman, Max Boyce was born in a bus shelter on the A48 near Porthcawl.
- May 28 - After discovering a method to identify belly button lint, Louis Pasteur is murdered by the heirs of Marco Polo who wish to keep the Marco Polo Monopoly on Belly Button Lint.
- October 12 - The much covered up Second Coming of Christ. On a hunch the Pope was present. Tragically testing to prove if it was really Christ was similar to the tests conducted in Salem for witches. In the end, Jesus was nailed to a cross and then burned. The Pope believed that if Jesus survived, then he was really Jesus. I guess he didn't know that Jesus's one weakness was crosses. In the end Jesus died, the Pope quit, and Scooby Doo ended the episode with some witty statement like "Scooooby Doooooby Doooooooooo!"
- September 11 - Nintendo and Uncyclopedia released Game 2, the sequel of Game
- November 5.5th - John Philip Sousa dies.
- November 6 - John Philip Sousa born.
- November 12 - Beginning of the Great Humour Prohibition Act of America.
- November 13 - This day marked the first day of the great cheese embargo of 1854. This embargo was made because other countries gave us rottten cheese and it made the American people sick. Many people died, but hey that is not big deal because people die anyway. But the fact the people got sick and couldn't work to make people money that was a bad thing so people refused to buy cheese from other countries. This embargo lasted only a month because it was found the the stores that sold cheese did not keep the cheese cool so it went bad. This is what made the people sick.
- December 25 - Tom "Who's knicker's them panties?" Jones celebrates his one hundredth birthday and receives a telegram from Queen Victoria. The day has been a National Holiday in Wales ever since.
[edit] 1855
- Plastic is developed by the Venusians. This will later be used by the Trojans during the Trojan War.
- May 28 - Angry followers of Louis Pasteur march to Italy seeking for revenge for Pasteur's murder the previous year, ravage the city, raving mad.
- July 22 - An brief cease-fire is called in the Crimean War until Lord Raglan gets his sobbing under control.
- april 25 - Marty Mcfly comes from the future to perv on his great-great-great-great grandmother, oh and to eat pie
[edit] 1856
- November 17 - The Spider Men establishes the southern Martian colony of Fort Buchanan along the Sonoita River in order to help control new land acquired in the Your ass.
- Gwen Stefani (formerly Glen Stefani) has penis re-attached, claiming it is a large clitoris.
[edit] 1857
- May 10- Wolfgang Amadaeus Puck born.
- The Ku Klux Klan, a hit Canadian pop band, releases its first no. 1 single I Can't Remember How Many Cows I Have.
- Swedish alchemist and pyromaniac Pierre Curie completes his experiments on Phlogiston soon beginning a crime spree causing fires across Europe.
- Blazzze is born.
- October 13- Carol Davis is found under pile of mud.
- Johnson County, Kansas is established, soon after inventing the color beige.
[edit] 1858
- Harriet Tubman invents the subway calling it the "Underground Railroad". Subways would later be noticed by the rest of the world upon the discovery of the London subway system by Charles Darwin in 1860.
- The Lake District is constructed by Josiah Babblethwaitiziwig.
- Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglass have a series of heated senatorial debates focused on the argument of the legality of the $5 footlong at Subway. Douglass is victorious and the $5 footlong is banned from 52 states and 52 territories in the U.S.
[edit] 1859
- The first Non-Huffable Kitten is born.
- Evolutionist Charles Darwin borrows Orson Welles's time machine and travels to futuristic London in the year of 1860 where subways are first discovered.
- April 25 - Construction on the Suez Canal begins. Soon after Israelis and Egyptians immediately begin fighting over who owns the hole.
- Footlong Act of 1859 overturns the Lincoln-Douglass debates of 1858 and legalizes the $5 footlong in all territories and every state except South Carolina due to Senator Calhoun's shocking resemblance to an evil bullfrog. This seems to be a leading factor in their decision to secede from the union several years later...
[edit] 1860
- Charles Darwin, time traveling from 1859, appears in futuristic London where he first observes the London subway system.
- The Tokugawa period in Japan ends, immediately following its breakup of new boyfriend Fred Tokugawa, after 230 years and begins seeing Emperor Meiji.
- Bean makes its debut performance in the Austrian capital of Vienna.
- John Kerry marries Julia Thorne. Thorne soon becomes severely depressed during the marriage eventually committing suicide in 1872.
- Han Solo is freed from carbonite for the second time, and goes onto invent the delayed toaster, which can also be used in that great pastime Kitten Huffing
- The Mount Vernon Ladies' Association of the Union builds a theme park in Virginia known as George Washington's Mount Vernon.
- Kazakhstan fights the British Empire. The Kazakhs lose by two goals to none.
[edit] 1861
- Outer space is discovered by Thaddeus Constantine Soblieski Lowe while on a reconnaissance mission over Virginia during the Battle of Bull Run. While drifting in space, Lowe becomes the first man to explore the moon, claiming it for the Freemasons.
- Oscar Wilde, based on his memoirs as an English sailor, publishes Crushing by autofellatio.
- Abraham Lincoln dies.
- The popular Reality TV show Leave it to Beaver begins airing.
- The Cadbury Brothers George and Richard take control of their father’s business. They begin to manufacture chocolate in what would later become the city of Bournville.
- Cheese becomes a fashionable filling of the Cheese sandwich
- Rodeo star Buffalo Bob tames the Fork. Howdy Doody is nowhere to be found. Doody is presumably being built by Anakin Skywalker.
- James Bond stars in Thunderwall.
- Gordon makes his acting debut on Thomas the Tank Engine and Friends.
- Mark Twain enlists in the 1860s version of the National Guard to avoid being drafted during the Civil War.
- Marcus "W" Aurilleuis Discovered the planet Rigel 7 and explores it, but he unfortunately also discovers it's technologically advanced inhabitants which grant him eternal life and award him the place as their god, replacing The Flying Spaghetti Monster. Marcus later tries to create a galactic Republic by taking over Rigel 6, then Rigel 5, then well the rest of the Rigels(for some reason there is no Rigel 57 and seven fifths). Marcus eventually becomes the Grand Chancellor of the Galactic republic. Despite Marcus and the jedi's best attempts, Oprah, the dark lord of the Sith, seizes control of the republic and enstates a galactic empire which collapses after 5 minutes. Marcus now lives a secluded life in the great underground catacombs in pittsfield Mass.
- The inhabitants of Verna create the deathstar in an attempt to stop Marcus "W" Aurilleuis from the creation of his republic. The Vernians fail due to C3P0's expert TIE fighter piloting skills. C3P0 fires a crouton torpedo to its creamy center thus making the operaters of the deathstar eat the space station because they just realized the deathstar is one big chocolate truffle.
[edit] 1862
- The Potato Famine begins
[edit] 1863
1863: A lost year in history, a very amusing year nonetheless.
- January 31 - One man was actually beaten to death with a ping pong ball while another was jumping of his roof because he thought he was a bird. It was an exciting year especially in the small town of Wellington upon Smythe where they had 2 village fetes instead of 1.
- The name 1863 was invented by the Spanish in 1862 and is thought to mean year after 1862 but the translation was lost in the course of time and so was the name of the actual inventor. Archaeologists thought they had found 1863 but where disappointed to have only found the fountain of youth and the birthplace of Jesus. There is a great mystery still surrounding 1863 and its current whereabouts. Some people believe that it is in an underground chasm under a house in Michigan.
- Brian Welch, a pimp, is discovered by the band Pr0n.
- The worlds first battery powered fork is invented,two million people died during its first use.
- July 3 - The Potato Famine ends
- First recorded account of beer helping ugly people to have sex.
[edit] 1864
- International rules and conduct for the British sport of Bloodbath are formed by the Geneva Convention eventually leading to a massive rise in popularity for the game in the coming years.
- Area man regrets wasting 1863.
- Civil war soldier prefers re-enactment.
- Benedict Arnold Carver is born.
- Lu Bu kicks a goat into orbit. The goat asplodes a year later, showering a small area in Ethopia in cooked goat meat. For a day the locals aren't hungry.
- Thomas Edison creates a robot that runs completely on steam. The mad scientific community proceeded to make fun of him, calling him "The biggest tool since Tesla". He responded by inventing the Space Shuttle and flying away to crybaby town for vacation.
- February 31th - Gymnast, Thomas 'The Fist' Bayes writes to Isaac Newton about stuff. Newton sends a really witty response that's kind of funny and makes you think at the same time. It was a really great moment and Bayes was glad.
- April 22 - All US minted coins convert to christianity.
- June 22 - Apostate Jews found state of Liberty, and it keeps that name until June 22, 1867.
- November - God erased the internet in a catastrophe known as the Internet Crash of 1864.
- December 25 - The United States of Armenia is officially established. Hours later Jesusland follows suit.
- November 29- Pioneer Village is founded in the middle of South Park, Colorado
[edit] 1865
- Confederate States of America win the American Civil War but party so hard that they are defeated due to their hangovers the next day.
- William Butler Yeats is born.
- The rodeo is invented by Dwight Weisenheifer.
- Someguy is born in Somewhere, Wyoming.
- Jesus returns with a vengeance!
[edit] 1866
- Famous American inventor Thomas Edison invents everything!
- The KKK is founded by Jewish and Black leaders following the end of the American Civil War.
- May 2 - Jerome K Jerome is born.
- May 16 - Root beer is invented by Monica Lewinski.
- Steampunks start flying Zeppelins. Led Zeppelin sues.
[edit] 1867
- May 3 - The Hudson's Bay Company gives up its claims to Vancouver Island on the grounds that it is full of Canadians.
- June 22 - State of "Liberty" changes name to Avoda Zara, as it sounded nicer and more feminine. Detractors note that the new name really means idolatry.
- July 1 - Canada becomes an official country, after William Shatner gets tired of not being noticed.
[edit] 1868
- The Charles Kennedy distillery company opens distilleries in Gladstone and Scotland quickly replacing rivals London and Westminister as the drinking scene in Great Britain.
- Tchaikovsky is extremely pissed off.
- Tchaikovsky channels his anger into what we now know as being the origin of the Revolutiontendo.
- July 3 - End of the Potato Famine
- Something happens in some country during some revolution that causes some people a century and a half later to celebrate its obscure origin by getting shit-faced annually
[edit] 1869
- Bartholomew Bantam, creator of the xerographic process dies.
- Chester F. Carlton finds a polyurethane cube in a smoking crater behind his house.
- The year is retroactively deleted from the uncyclopedia timeline to prevent idiot references to the number 69 from filling this space.
- Meiji Restoration. Japanese Emperor bitchslaps the shoguns kickstarting Japanese industrialisation; first steam-powered Nintendo games console released within months.
[edit] 1870
- Uncyclopedia Brown biography Uncyclopedia Brown Loves Chachi is banned, particularly in South Korea.
- Brotherhood of Anonymous writes famous nursery rhyme, Mary had a little lamb .
- Ludvig van Wolfgang Amadeus Johann Sebastian Heimlich, developer of the Heimlich maneuver, is born.
- US President Benjamin Harrison is thrown out of office.
- 1337, one of the earliest known unlisted numbers, is developed by telephone inventor Antonio Meucci in an attempt to prevent telemarketers to stop calling him while trying to eat his supper.
- July 26 - The typewriter is invented with only the keys Ctrl, Alt, and Delete.
- Sept 3 - The Japanese unconditionally surrender to the Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God to end World War OSX Jaguar
- France declares war on Prussia. Louis Napoleon III boasts that "France is going to be victorious, as she always has been and always will!"
- The Prussians take Paris two hours after the speech.
- October 2 - The Great Tomato War begins
[edit] 1871
- Germany founded. Kaiser Wilhelm I is declared head of state of the new Empire in Versailles. "I am sure Germany now has the chance to contribute to international peace and security as she always has wanted to", states the new Kaiser, adding: "Versailles will always be symbolic for the glory of Germany!"
- Antonio Meucci builds the first telephone, only to promptly abandon the concept and forward all calls to voicemail after annoying and repeated interruptions by telemarketers.
- Arthur "Two Sheds" Jackson buys his third shed, spurning the Earth to fall into a black hole.
- Butthole Surfers pen their second draft of "Human Cannonball" with containing numerous musical references to first version of the song.
- The most successful football club in the history of the World, Reading FC is founded.
[edit] 1873
- The X-box came to colonize Greenland.
- Bionicle, a method of planting microchips into small toys, is created by two unidentified men. It would later be used on a mass scale by the LEGO corporation.
- Windows first manufactured from LSD. They failed to keep the weather out, or the dragons. But who cared?
- Japanese Emperor To be continued creates the first Japanese video game company Zero Wing.
- July 20 - A peasant in a poor country licked a window and saw an image of the Virgin Mary. He then started eBay to sell it on the Interweb.
- 'wi-ki-oh' was first aired on popular japanese anime channel 7436.
[edit] 1874
- January 31 - You there with the mop is born.
- July 20 - Peasants in various poor countries begin to see an image of the Virgin Mary in a window after being licked on Window Licking Day. This would continue on into the present day.
- August 20 - Benjamin Harrison is born.
- November 20 - John Cleese is born.
Other Events:
- Aston Villa is created by Malaysian truckers on a drunken binge.
- Ashton Kutcher invents the Trucker hat
[edit] 1875
- August 12 - The Vegetable Armistice is signed, ending the Great Tomato War
[edit] 1876
- The Partick Thistle Football Club, one of Scotland's oldest soccer teams, is estalished by ex-soccer hooligans, tired of brutally attacking fans, randomly begin attacking Glasgow's poor people with a traditional Scottish Thistle. Realizing they could attack opposing soccer teams as well they officially enter the league in 1906.
- Protestiing to the British copyright of Cloud Mentioning, American weathermen form the American Cloud Mentioners' Union.
- James Clerk Maxwell successfully proves the impossibility of the electrified toothbrush which was seen to be completly incompatible with the laws of quantum electromagnetohydrodynamics.
- The Banana Phone, one of the first modern inventions of modern technology following the development of the stapler, is invented by Alexander Graham Bell. Its similarity to the telephone, invented by Meucci in 1871, will spark years of useless litigation interrupted only by calls asking "Is your refrigerator running? Better go catch it!".
- The first Banana Phone call, Bell's famous "Come here Watson, I need you", is terminated by an automated system with "Your call is important to us and will be answered in sequence. Your conversation may be monitored. A representative will annoy you shortly, please hold the line to guard your call priority." and left on hold for a then-record 366 days.
- 1876 is a leap year.
- J.K. Rowling's novel The Great Escape is published.
- A young girl named 'Jenn' is stabbed and raped and for some reason hung up in a closet. The murderer, for some reason, said 'Bukkake Bukakke' while doing the aforesaid hanging. This was later brought up in 2007 by YouTube spammers.
- The Combustion engine is invented by Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor. Its development is met with great enthusiasm by scientists despite the fact the wooden engine repetedly caught fire, causing its gas tanks to explode, resulting in several deaths over the next 20 years.
- Falling out of a wormhole, Snoop Dogg discovers that there are other uses for hemp. Closely following was Albert Einstein, who was using hemp in the traditional fashion.
[edit] 1877
- Thomas Edison and his young ward Henry Ford landed their Mars-drome spacecraft in the verdant hills outside of The Fabled Martian City of Z'la.
- Edison's peaceful contact with the High Martians was not indictative of future human-Martian relations though, as Professor Moriarty and Fu Manchu followed the Edison/Ford Expedition some 3 years later and conquered the City of Z'la, until liberated by Tarzan and Phileas Fogg in 1902.
[edit] 1878
- Alfred Russel Wallace discovers the first fishing sugarplums.