1956
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The writer of this article is a pinko/lefty and has an outrageous liberal UK-centric outlook.
They may even work in Local government or, worse, be an unelected eurocrat. For information on the best way to save our great nation from scum like this read the Daily Mail. (Pstt. He's probably also a commie as well; quick - tell HUAC!)
This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.
Represented here are the time periods from 1956AD to 1976AD.
Contents |
[edit] 1956
The saddest year of the 1950s
- 1956 never really got over the fact that the 1957 Chevy came out a year too late for it. The mental trauma associated with this event caused 1956 to have a temper tantrum that destroyed Bikini Island with teeny ween its bits ....... nuclear bomb.
- 1956 was also the beginning of the “Reign of the Rat,” as Mickey Mouse the Great came to power in Disneyland in that year. His reign of terror (which lasted until 1970) scarred an entire generation. One of the first moves by the new Mouse regime was the ethnic cleansing of the Pirates of the Caribbean from Castaway Cay.
- On a lighter note, 1956 was also the year that Crack was invented by Edwin P. Crack, noted Canadian chemist and shoe salesman. It was also the year in which Ohno succeeded Lord Weirdo as Protector of the American Way.
- 1956 was a “good” year for microwaves.
- In July, the Dionne Quintuplets joined together to form MEGADION in order to defend Canada against the previous year's Giant Ant Invasion.
- Television came to Australia, and they were never the same again. They smashed their face on it because that's how they thought that is the way to turn it on.
- The British communist Comrade Neil Clark defended the Russian invasion of Hungary, and argued that the Soviets should be allowed to resurrect the Austro-Hungarian empire under Nikita Khrushchev.
- The sun is destroyed.
- October 29 - Sasquatch is born, decides to go eat orphans
[edit] 1957
1957 is one of the mysterious Years that Never Were.
- It was first observed to take place shortly after 1956, and again just before 1958.
- the sun is recreated
- 1957 only lasted for 2 months from October 19th till December 14th. It was as Stephen Hawking observed 'short but I'd give it one' he then elaborated that 1957 was a 'rent boy tart' and it would be 'wiping spunk out it's hair for a month' - Stephen has since been forcibly re-booted and has apologised.
- It should also be noted that the year 1957 (or possibly 1958) is the era when NASSA reportedly formed. Since the white media had covered it up as best they could, it is uncertain when exactly the event took place. For more information, see the article on the Old Negro Space Program.
- The United States entered into a strategic Car Fin Race with the Soviet Union, which never really recovered from the introduction of the 1957 Chevy Bel-Air.
- Four teenagers were given the electric chair in Florida for spitting chewing gum on the sidewalk.
- Nine out of ten doctors said smoking is actually good for you - just ignore all that blood and bile you hack up every day.
- Omar Sharif's son, Tarek Sharif, born, to no one's surprise.
- The U.S. Government mandated that asbestos, the new, safe insulating material, be installed in all homes built in the U.S.
- We welcomed our new ant overlords. Toiling in the underground sugar mines began shortly thereafter.
- Kaputnik put into orbit by Soviet Union. It drops bomb on United States, though bomb misses major cities and plunges harmlessly into Kansas compost pit instead. Compost subsequently mutates into blob which will later spawn Rosie O'Donnell.
- Avro Arrow revealed. The US Government responds with a classified memo labeled "UNCLE!"
- One of the proverbial "Jack Kerouac" sitings in New Orleans, Louisiana. He was allegedly naked, dancing in the swamp with Ray Charles and Helen Keller and smoking a shrimp gumbo/weed combo.
[edit] 1958
1958 was delared the International Year of Television by the United Nations.
- Buddy Holly, Richie Valens, and that other guy whom nobody remembers, all achieved their biggest hits.
- Paper-boy Don McLean fails to complete his morning paper-round.
- The sun is destroyed again then recreated again the destroyed agian, and is finally recreated, only up side down. The world is all like "OMGWTF?!?!?!?!?1/1/" Fourteen years later, a song is written about it.
- During this year, television ownership became mandatory in all industrialized nations to facilitate the spoon-feeding of advertising to entertainment-hungry citizens.
- Pope Incredulous XL declared Santa Claus the patron saint of Television
- Homosexuality is invented by television.
- Being a raging Queen is invented by Truman Capote.
- Canada inagurates its own television service (consisting mostly of puppet shows and Quebecois soap operas) and begins jamming American TV signals to preserve "Canadian Cultural Purity."
- Fat Bastard Foods Inc. launches TV Dinners, nutritionally empty trays filled with delicious starch, fat, and salt to be consumed while reclining on the couch in front of the TV.
- AAA achieves his first high score while watching a test pattern. One week later, Bill Gates accidentally invents the first videogame in an experiment involving a Color TV and a Flux Capacitor.
- June 4 - Centerville scares off an alien invasion with its boring reputation and lack of TV.
[edit] 1959
1959 was the Year in which the world came to an end, because the UNO did not pay their bills.
- In 1962, the World was started again after an anonymous person paid most of the fines. Cable television and Radio hasn't been paid yet and are thus unavaiable.
- Einstein invented the Game Boy
- I invented Cream Cheese
- The famous New York Goldrush of '59
- The Los Angeles Dodgers supposedly defeated the Chicago White Sox in the World Series. However, this is a hotly debated topic, because film only exists of the first game, in which Chicago won 117 to negative 6. A documentary on this controversy can be purchased from here; it is available on BetaMax, Super Eight, Blu-Ray, DVD, HD-DVD, or a piece of worthless, useless shit.
- Aliens landed in Roswell, but did not like the weather (it rained a lot in '59)
- Protesters of the Mickey Mouse regime in Disneyland are gunned down by troops under the command of Donald Duck.
- The Pound of Sex (symbol £X) became the official currency of The Bank of Insanity and Pirates
- The sun give birth to 17 baby cows.
- Pope Credulous XS (The former Pope's evil twin) declared Saint Anne the patron saint of blasphemy.
- The coolest man alive is born.
- 17 Baby cows are grilled in space. the meat is used in thee new year party.
- Those ungrateful Americans forced Canada to cancel the Avro Arrow
- The sun says "stop posting retarded shit on Uncyclopedia about me" then turns purple for five seconds, and has butt sex with hitler.
[edit] 195H
- This year was a very eventful year, but everyone was high, so we can't remember what the hell happened.
[edit] 1960
The year 1960 was directed by David Lynch, and although this is little known, the month of November 1960 was in fact guest directed by Stanley Tucci, who had just been born. Some people think this may be a myth, but everybody else knows better. The year 1960 was one of the biggest productions in history, with several billion actors. However, the record has since been broken many times over. 1960 took approximately fifteen minutes to make (some say exactly, but we will never know for sure).
As with many David Lynch movies, the story didn't seem to follow any linear nature. For instance, the northern hemisphere started the year as usual in winter, whereas the southern hemisphere started it in summer. This strange shift continued throughout the year, and nobody knows why, since as usual David Lynch won't reveal the meaning of his stories. 1960 was a very eventful year, and the script was certainly much longer than the average script. Stanley Kubrick was called in to do the science fiction bits. Akira Kurosawa helped out with period detail for Japan.
- The Twilight Zone airs "The Monsters Are Due on Maple Street," which would late form the basis for a spin off series All in the Family.
- Sonny Curtis is defeated in a fencing duel against the third Law of thermodynamics.
- Planing begins to launch Plan B from Outer Space in 1961.
- The CAFTA treaty is signed by Mickey Mouse the Great, Fidel Castro, and Anita Bryant.
- Bob Dylan forgets to comb his hair. Effect lasts 50 years.
- Both the hippie and the angry embittered army guy come into existence in this year, thus paving the way for the rest of the decade.
- The original Psycho movie was released leaving everybody truamitized until 1961.
[edit] 1961
The only year in the 20th century which looks the same either way up.
- As the Prophets predicted, it came True. the Great One, Wayne Gretzky is Born in January of 1961.
- John F. Kennedy took office as US President.
- He did not get shot and killed.
- Jackie Kennedy took office as First Lady.
- She did not get shot and killed either.
- Lyndon Johnson did not get a surprisingly quick promotion to President.
- He did not get shot and killed. There is a trend developing here.
- NASA astronaut Alan Shepard lands on Mars to great critical acclaim, then returns to Earth with the band The Laziest Men on Mars.
- Topless swimsuits and dresses were not "the latest fashion".
- Mary Quant did not introduce the miniskirt.
- February 8 - Plan B from Outer Space fails yet again. It is the last Plans from Outer Space to be attempted.
- Pac-Man had sex with an elephant thus producing the first Pachyderm.
- Andy Warhol synthisises the first quantity of Obnoxious Plastic
- Edward B. Lanket developes the first blanket as a radical new drug.
- Jon [[MayheW 926-1961]] now turn that upside down and look at it!!!!
- jesus celebrated his 1,961st birthday along with all the other jesi
[edit] 1962
Quite a lot of stuff happened in 1962. 1962 was the year that followed 1960. This is often misquoted as being after 1961, a year that was cancelled due to a lack of interest.
- the Beatles got a hit.
- This unusual cancellation of an entire year was both the result of political pressure by futurist lobbyists, and the increase in consumption of Canadian Beer worldwide. It is for this reason that 1962 is considered the "Hangover Year". It was turned into a major feature film by Sergei Eisenstein who left his signature style all over that year which was otherwise completely irrelevant to human history. Important stuff happened in the ant world however.
- The first VinDieselian is supposedly stolen by Troy Waters.
- Rules are invented by Microsoft.
- 1962 was the only year in the 1960's in which no Kennedy men were killed.
- Another Jack Kerouac siting. This time he was a fat forty year old man having sex with Jane Fonda and spawning Conor Oberst at Big Sur in California.
- Most importantly of all, 1962 saw the film "Lawrence of Arabia" and the rise of Omar Sharif to international superstardom.
[edit] 1963
- People started liking the Beatles more...
- Sexual Intercourse, better known as Quentin Tarantino, invented and discovered itself. Discovered and invented. Invented and discovered. And there was much rejoicing.
- Shortly afterwards, Hippies were invented, along with the idea of mixing Sexual Intercourse with drugs.
- Not long after the rise of Hippies, effort was stoned to death.
- Doctor Who first aired, the day after some lamer died in Dallas (Bobby? JR?)
- Andy Warhol pens the script for a cartoon about the lives of multi-colored adolescents. He calls his creation "Doug." Only a month later, however, the script is stolen from his home by ninjas.
- Goatse was invented.
- The year when Cookie Monster found out that he didn't have a penis anymore.
- Krusty The Clown makes his first appearance on American televison, some critics said he wouldn't last a week. It was later confirmed in 1992 that they're all dead.
- Tomorrow actually came. Huh.
- Oxbow Lake introduced in the United Kingdom.
[edit] 1964
Ah 1964, everybody remembers it unless you were born in 1810.
- Beatlemania!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- In this year, football was made legal and giant flesh eating moths were introduced to keep people from enjoying it too much.
- April 17 - Maynard James Keenan is born in Pyongyang, Patagonia.
- July 12 - Art Garfunkel raises an army in Seattle composed mainly of collegiate students and invades the Washington capital of Olympia.
- July 14 - Art Garfunkel dies from genital herpes. Power in Olympia is returned to the people.
- On Dequimbar the sisty fith, a new calender was made. Everyone agreed it was shite.
- August 21 - Fargo, ND: A trebuchet fired a canister containing a rare sample of chocolate milk into the stratosphere. The canister failed to exit the atmoshphere, and fell back to the earth, creating the nation of Estonia.
[edit] 1965
 MINITRUE APPROVED The contents of this section have been determined by Minitrue as doubleplusgood fact and are permitted for viewing by all proles and Party Members. Questioning this material is crimethink and will be corrected by Miniluv. |
1965 is the only known year in modern history where absolutely nothing interesting happened. So boring that it was later given the nickname "Year Of The Bore", 1965 had terrible consequences for the following years. In 1966 almost 42,000 in the US alone died from boredom related illnesses, including restlessness, catatonia and hitting the snooze button until death occurred. The war between Great Britain and the Faroe Islands began the same year on the grounds of wanting "to shake this place up a bit, y'know?". The conflict was settled in 1974 with a soccer match won 3-2 by the Faroe Islands on golden goal. In 1965 however, nothing happened.
[edit] Events
- To stay alive people listened to the Beatles. It is recorded that the Beatles stoped 14,000 sucides and countles from dying of boredom.
- A horrific fire in Goosetown, Calisota kills 350 workers. Because the fire was started by a Communist mob, everyone acts like it didn't happen.
- A young boy who will one day become Johnny Rzeznik, lead singer of the Goo Goo Dolls was born. The people suffering the beatles will eventually be saved by this man.
[edit] Things that did not happen in 1965
- No sporting events were won.
- Apes did not develop advanced civilizations and rise to challenge mankind as the master race of earth.
- France did not asplode.
- The above statement is false. They attempted to surrender as the bombs hurtled towards Paris.
- John Lennon played guitar with his ass, and smoked Elvis's grass....
- Neither did Holland.
- The leader of the USSR was not caught in bed with the American first lady and her younger hotter sister.
- No one important died, no one important was born. (including Ian McClain)
- No new Kool-Aid flavor was introduced.
- Children did not start to ask why.
- Booties were not shaken, neither were bon-bons nor milkshakes.
- Sex was not had.
- Poland was not forgotten but no one would have cared even if they did.
- La vida loco was not lived.
- The Vietnam War hoax.
- There were no defectors in East Germany.
- Texas did not declare independance.
- North Korea did not bomb South Korea.
- Ford refused to read the automart.
- Jupiter refused its orbit to stand still.
- The Doors didn't become one of the biggest bands of the deacde
And the tofu war Did not began in Mongolia.
[edit] 1966
- John Lennon said that more people knew the Beatles than Jesus. America thought he was comparing himself to the Jee-man as a person. They got mad and started to commit arson on every music shop that ever sold the Beatles records. In this horrible year for Beatles fans (which, in America, were collected and shot in the face in a mass genocide,) the band quit touring.
- 1966 was the year WW6 happened. It was China vs. Taiwan in the ultimate battle. Jamani was dead by then, so they weren't there, but there was Toe Jam. Toe Jam came, kicked Mussolini out of office and took over China. Then America came and joined the party *random party music*
- 1966 was of course the year that England won two World Wars and cheated their way to victory in one World Cup thanks to a blind Russian linesman, although it was a home win, and everyone knows they don't count. Manager Alf Garnett's winning team, Led by Roger Moore, Beat Germany 3 and a half to two. Among the winning world cup squad was John Lennon, Charlie Croker, Mary Quant, Dougal from Magic Roundabout, Roy of the Rovers and A Russian Linesman who scored the winning hat-trick.
- Last known year in which everyone's parents had carnal knowledge of one another. Yetch!
- The Sercian War begins, sparking a three year civil war in Sercia.
- Japan launches its magical girl program, headed by witch Sally Yumeno.
- The first Super Bowl is planned, but nobody shows up.
- It was cloudy, with a slight chance of rain late in the afternoon.
- The Cookie Monster is busted for drug trafficking in New York.
[edit] 1967
1967 hippies were granted the right to run the government for one year, making it the year of love, everywhere. Peace, brother.
- The Almighty Gordon Frohman was born.
- The Soviet Union attempted to catch up to American space efforts by launching several men into low Earth orbit with a gigantic slingshot located in Siberia.
- Often referred to as: "The year that was eight years after 1959, and two before 1969".
- Hippie Music became more popular, exemplified by stoner Jim Morrison's really awful poetry set to music by members of the band "The Doors".
- San Francisco was chosen to host the Summer of Love, a type of counterculture Olympics featuring events such as psychedelic drug use, promiscuous sex, prolonged voluntary unemployment, and the very popular Marathon of Not Bathing.
- England lose the World Cup to The Tartan Army(otherwise known as Celtic FC), Led by William Wallace and the celebrated Scottish Golfer Dennis the Outaw. The Tartan Army won by destroying their goalposts so the English couldn't score any goals.
- The Great Soccer Revolt occured, led in part by the execution of non-soccer fans in Spanish-speaking coutries.
- Clear Channel is started by fluffy bunnies and furry kittens as a means to make mankind happy.
- Ohno retires and is succeeded by Legendary Dude.
- The Pirate Liberation Organization, a terrorist group, is formed in Disneyland. Later that year, a PLO protest turns violent in an that comes to be known as the Battle of Orgreave.
- Birth of crime-fighting actor David_Hewlett.
- John Walrus releases his hit song, "I Am the Lennon".
- Daisy Duck and Admiral Donald Duck are married.
- Burt and Ernie rob a bank in downtown Chicago. Two bank clerks and 1 policeman are killed in a shootout. Burt and Ernie made it off with $3.6 million dollars in cash but would later be caught by police. They would later skip bail and hide as performers on a childrens TV show.
- San Francisco becomes a deadly place with the rise and spread of hippies during the summer of love.
- Kurt "Mc Happy Pants" Cobain was born.
- The Cockroaches (eventually to become the ever-popular Status Quo) play their first live gig in London.
- LSD guru Timothy Leary invented the Bottle Cap Stick Shaker Thing whilst high on Scotchgard™.
[edit] 1968
Ninja-assassin year belonging to the 1960's. Under conflicting social pressure from various special-interest groups, 1968 went a little nutso, fell in with a group of ninjas, and proceeded to kill and assault various students and celebrities until finally being taken out by 1969 in Times Square NY.
People attacked by 1968 include:
- Martin Luther King, Jr.
- Robert Kennedy
- Andy Warhol (who did not die of his wounds until thirty years later)
- Helen Keller - Dragged into the afterlife screaming her hands off.
- The Vietnamese village of My Lai
- Daffy Duck while flying south. He would recover from his wounds and would go on to play for the NBA.
Some other stuff that went down in 1968:
- During the war of 2112,Black Sabbath was one of few bands to fight along side Rush.Near the last moments of the war,
Geezer Butler and Geddy Lee both played a bass line so awsome that hitler was distracted,then Geddy Lee killed him.But then all of Black Sabbath,sadly were banished to hell by a Necromancer and Boris the Spider.But they became a nuetral state,so they toured both Heaven and Hell,until 1968,where they were brought from Hell during their eternal tour,and formed a rock band.
- June 6 - Sweden declares war on Norway "just for fun".
- Scooby-Doo was born in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania
- Consumption of Boiled Ham became legal in Ireland
- China attempted first Lunar Landing but mis-read the instructions on the rocket and ended up putting two astronauts into orbit around the Eiffel Tower.
- Mickey Dolenz of The Monkees took time out from touring with the band to publish a scientific paper postulating the existence of the Higgs Boson
- Elvis canonised by the Roman Catholic Church as the patron saint of the pelvis.
- Quebec Separatist Hippie Brigade starts riot at SUNY Plattsburgh
- Donald Duck is kidnapped by radical elements of the Pirates of the Caribbean.
- Th. W. Adorno destroys all things.
- The Good, The Bad, and the Swansea is released.
- 15th June - Admiral Tansley and his navy carry out The Bombing of Guano. This swings The Sercian War back in General Juncal's favor.
- George Herbert Walker Bush has anal sex with a freshman at Yale University
- British communist Comrade Neil Clark defends the ending of the Prague Spring by Soviet troops as winter is his favourite season.
[edit] 1969(Lol 69)
1969 was the best year. ever, man.
dont believe me? check out the albums released in 69.
The 69 sex position was invented this year because people did simultaneous oral sex in favor of the Interstate network.
- Helen Keller jokes surface.
- The Hotel California serves wine for the last time.
- February 30- Date is later found to be fictitious.
- April 11- Satan invents Disco, only for the invention to be rejected.
- April 12- Satan first teaches America how to get their funk on.
- Poppin' Fresh poops all over an interstate.
- May 17- To the shock of many, it was discovered that a deaf, dumb and blind kid could sure play a mean pinball.
- June 1st-August 28th- 9 year-old Bryan Adams has best year of his life. Buys his first real six-string at the Five and Dime, starts a band but they break up when Jimmy quits and Jodi gets married. He spends his nights at the drive-in where he meets you, and on your mama's porch you tell him that you'll wait forever.
- June 30 - The Sercian War ends and General Juncal takes power.
- a german toad by the name of luena had sex with a russian prostitute who smelled like vodka and cheap purfume. this later became the best selling novel Aids for dummies.
- July 1 - San Franciso, Haight-Ashbury: all hippies rounded up and put in prison because of proven suspcicion of the tasting of "vinegar" of some sort.
- July 5 - Hugh Laurie becomes the first man to walk on Pluto, closely beating Brad Pitt who had to wait for the IRAC after his engine overheated just before reaching Saturn.
- July 10 - Brad Pitt finally reaches Pluto.
- July 20 - The best-selling computer game Grand Theft Cosmo was released.
- July 21 - Some other guy figured out that the "going to the moon" was a hoax.
- your mom is a whore
- July 22 - The government lanches conspiracy "Area 51", where they caught the people who figured out about the hoax and turned them into aliens.
- Sesame Street is first aired. The show would be host to several dangerous criminals including Bert a suspected terrorist, Ernie a convicted pedophile, Oscar the Grouch a homeless man convicted twice of sexual assault, possession of marijuana and grouchiness, The Cookie Monster a cookie addict, the Count a suspected rapist and vampire, and Grover a convicted drug trafficker.
- August 4 - Macgyver in Space begins.
- August 15-17 - Woodstock I (the prequel to Woodstock IV - VI) is released.
- Autumn - San Francisco Exhibiton of marijuana-inspired mindless drivel
- your mom is still a whore
- Nov 12- Sid Meier invents the theory of The Third Civilization.
- Dec 13- Satan loses battle of evilness to Yoko Ono
- Dec 15- The United Nations General Assembly unanimously and unitarianly imposes a worldwide ban on suicide by mindless drivel, and imposes a death penalty to support the ban.
- Births
- Dr Dre - Rap artist and surgeon
- Pooty-Tang - Statesman and Cereal Manufacturer
- Procrastination - Nine months have passed since the death of effort, and Mary Jane's child, procrastination, finally got around to being born.
[edit] 1970
1970 was the year that marked the end of the beginning and the beginning of the end.
- The sun invents disco. It is then racked with guilt, and kills itself, only to come back as a zombie.
- The first, and last, Annual Guardsmen vs. Hippies games are held at Kent State University.
- The Lower North Middleton Pie Riots begin after legislation to ban the consumption of pie in the city fails.
- The Worldwide release of the 69th Carry On film, Carry On Film.
- Punctuation is invented.
- The sum of all the digits is 17 which is a completely useless number unless you are planning to kill the Preserved African Swallow in which case you will need the number for no particular reason either. Oh, fuck off.
- Mickey Mouse the Great dies. The ensuing student demonstrations, called “Fantasyland Spring” lead to end of military rule in Disneyland and the beginning of democracy.
- Roger Daltrey becomes President and names the deaf, dumb, and blind boy Tommy his Secretary of Pwning Everyone at Pinball and Doctor Who his Secretary of PseudoScience
- Smurf Jim Tayler is Indicted for manslaughter and assauLt and Battery on Michael Jordan.
- Architect Frank Lloyd Wrong is born in Hoboken, New Jersey.
- Sarcasm invented and used with disastrous results.
- Timothy Leary sells his patent for the Bottle Cap Stick Shaker Thing to Frito-Lay for $500 to fund his newly-discovered drug, Jenkem.
- Births
- Nearly none the first 3/4 of the year due to the popularity of the previous years invention. The coat hanger.
- Hand cream magnate, Plasmatic is born in northern Norway.
- Dick Clarks great grandson, Kippy the Great is born.
- Kevin Smith springs from his mother's vag in Red Bank, New Jersey.
- Deaths
- a Salesman.
- Michael Jackson enslaves all the little boy hippies in Neverland, causing the rest of the hippy population to go extinct.
- Jimi Hendrix dies because he rocked too hard during a show.
[edit] 1971
The year well known only for being the palindrome of 1791
- In 1971, the British Empire lay in ruins. Foreigners frequented the streets, many of them Hungarians. (Not the streets — the foreign nationals.)
- The Treaty of Orlando is signed, creating the Mickey Mouse League, an empire that in the ensuing decades would create a global entertainment monopoly.
- July 3 1971, Jim Morrison is found dead in his bathtub in Paris of a heart attack or blood loss. Either one really. Thus passes the only person with the ability to end a Ray Manzarek keyboard solo.
- The theory of Egocentrism is first introduced by me.
- September 4th, 1971: Elvis gets a paper cut.
- Timer The Cheese Guy is created.
[edit] 1972
- Notable as the year Billy Ocean turned 22
- 1972 has not been seen since and anyone who thinks they may have seen it recently should immediately get in touch with their local police. You should not approach 1972 directly as it is considered to be armed and extremely badly dressed. Also it might still have a twenty-two year old Billy Ocean inside it, and you don't want that in your head.
- The Sixties-est of years.
- Wales invades Iceland. Oddly, Iceland wins, thanks to weapons made of sharpened corn cobs.
- Sharpened corn cobs become illegal in the U.K.
- Release of Bunfight at the O.K. Tea Rooms
- Saw the BBC use the word lesbianism, but only once. It had nothing to do with Billy Ocean whatsoever.
- Pedro is elected as a write in candidate to the office of President of Mexico. He also captures Speedy Gonzales in this year.
- The Miami Dolphins become the first NFL Team to go winless during a season (They lost all 14 games). They also scored no points.
- a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Los Angeles underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire the A-Team.
- John Wayne Gacy begins a life of philanthropy, later founding a children's hospital.
[edit] 1973
“Billy, don't be a hero; come back to me!”
The Year of Our Lord 1973 AD was the central year of the Early Middle 1970's.
- Jan 17, 9:22 AM: Osama bin Laden seduces his first goat.
- Jan 17, 9:23 AM: American President Richard M Nixon was secretly raped by an animatronic puppet under the control of CIA clinjas.
- Jan 17, 10:03 AM: An experimental program was introduced in Detroit Michigan to make American automobiles suck. This program proved so successful that, by 1978, it had been proposed as an amendment to the US Constitution.
- Jan 17, 10:07 AM: The category "Smacks" was removed from the Five Food Groups, which were later renamed "The Four Food Groups" in August.
- Jan 17, 12:40 PM: Bismark ND was devastated by a freak nipple storm which buried entire city blocks, ground traffic to a halt, and stranded livestock in the public libraries for several weeks.
- Jan 17, 5:05 PM: The South American country of Argentina is sold "for parts or repair" at a garage sale in Washington.
- Jan 17, 5:06 PM: American President Richard M Nixon, having fully recovered from his traumatic encounter with the CIA puppet after intense psychiatric therapy, proclaimed victory in Vietnam.
- Jan 17, 5:07 PM: James Blunt writes a song, and then travels back to the present.
- Mar 8, 4:20 PM: Pink Floyd launches a pre-emptive attack against Disco with their album Dark Side of the Moon. MGM re-edits The Wizard of Oz to sync up with it.
- Mar 12, 3:02 PM: Future dictator of the Middle East and Asia, Ricardo Montalban is created in a test tube by evil Dianetics scientists.
- Sep 1, 22:30: Birth of Hubert Canon
- Oct 26, 12:34: Your dad almost goes to fight in Egypt, but is discharged for being a dumb fucktard.
[edit] 1974
1974: The Day the Earth Stood Still
What follows is the history of the year 1974, a year that each and every human being was forced to live through twice. Yeah, you heard me. Twice. Think about it... didn't it seem like 1974 lasted forever and ever? Yeah? Well there you go. Told you. And this is why.
1974 started off like any other year. But events were to unfold that would change the course of history... forever. Someone set us up the bomb. During these 365-odd days the Earth was destroyed, rebuilt, and destroyed again. Millions perished in volcanic fire, giant tsunamis, or meteor impacts, only to be reborn instantaneously and forced to go through it all again. Continents shifted, reshifted, scratched their collective crotches (I think Europe's runs through Marseilles) and shifted back again. Gods were created, forgotten, avenged, and then finally pwned by the penultimate cosmic realignment. What follows is the only surviving record of these turbulent times, in time-line format for easy viewing. The second time everyone went through all of it was called 1974.fish.
1974 was also the birth of cartoon character Minerva Mink.
--attention to the faint-hearted--
This history is graphic in nature and really really intense. Even Rufus from Bill and Ted is too much of a wimp to read it all. If you're pregnant, don't read this, and console yourself with a pack of cigarettes in rapid succession. If you're brain-dead, you'll probably be fine. Speaking of cigarettes, anybody got one I can bum off of them?
1974 is also known as the year in which the entire city of London exploded, constantly for a year.
- Jan 1st - Dick Clark and Soviet Premier Nikita Kruschev rang in the new year in a celebration worthy of such an important occasion, spending over 74 million dollars on the llamas alone. Such a spectacle will never be seen on this Earth again, as all the llamas were wiped out in the Llama Purge of 1992.
- Jan 2nd - As backlash for using that many innocent llamas for personal gain, PETA staged a protest, over thirty strong, outside the ABC network offices in Boise, Idaho. Seen at the march were such modern visionaries as Callum Johannsen, Arnold Guttman, and Skip Bogdanovich. Sadly all of these men were wiped out in the destruction, and never re-integrated.
- Jan 3rd - Boise Metropolitan Police Commissioner Jake Jakewood is killed in his home while drinking beer and watching the game from his toilet. The city is up in arms after two exciting events in two days, hitherto without precedent in Boise, maybe even Idaho.
- Jan 4th - Idaho suddenly begins to receive media attention from small Asian countries, who claim they had never noticed it on the map before. Exchange rates between potatoes and Japanese yen skyrocketed.
- Jan 5th - While on a trip to the supermarket, Richard Nixon notices the prices for a sack of Potatoes have all been marked in yen. Frustrated, he approaches the clerk and proceeds to beat the ever loving shit out of him. Failing to receive a decent explanation, he leaves the store in a huff and jumps on the red-line to the USSR.
- Jan 6th - In a little tobacconist's shop in Galway, Ireland (actually the one right in front of the UCTABTSSG), inventor Elijah Otis is struck by a cigar box and suddenly figures out how to produce cold fusion. He jumps on a plane for London to report his discovery.
- Jan 7th - PETA headquarters in rural Cheyenne, Wyoming is chosen for a live nuclear test by the President Richard Nixon. Wait, he's not the president!
- Jan 8th - An Earthquake of magnitude 7E/Alpha on the Goiter Scale hits Eastern Russia. Potato production is completely halted, as the state-run gulags basically split open and everyone ran out of them naked yelling "Ach! Mein tisch!" Potato prices skyrocket so much that they have to invent a new word for sky-rocketing, "tropospherically-accelerating".
- Jan 9th - Gerald Ford, actual president of the USA gets wind of crazy Nixon's plans to nuke PETA, and bitch slaps him on national television. This is seen as a sign of weakness by the evil Canadians who take the opportunity to invade Idaho and occupy the potato fields to hold them for ransom. Canadian Prime Dictator Ernest Borgnine is said to have left a message with Ford's secretary, stating "OMGLOL PWNED!!1!one!"
- Jan 10th - David Bowie, sensing a disturbance in the force, rushes to the Canadian capital, Ulaan Bataar, to negotiate with the government there.
- Jan 11th - The Battle of Northern Idaho begins and thousands of soldiers from both sides are slaughtered as the Canadians get shot, and the Americans crash their helicopters en masse.
- Jan 12th - Some of the escaped Russian gulag prisoners form an autonomous collective whose sole purpose is to worship an abandoned missile silo in eastern Kamchatka.
- Jan 13th - A group of American soldiers, failing to crash their helicopter, actually land behind enemy lines and set fire to the large stores of back bacon the Canadians had held in reserve, destroying their resolve and forcing a hasty retreat.
- Jan 14th - Massive protests sweep Geneva, Tel Aviv, and Basildon decrying the ruthless and vicious American burning of innocent back bacon. In what became known as the night of a thousand whines, groups of hippies and/or Europeans managed to burn over 4 American flags with minimal self-incendiation.
- Jan 15th - A misguided aircraft originally flying from New York to Washington DC crash-lands in Russia. Russia then unloads its massive nuclear arsenal. Of course since this is 1974, everyone lives and the world hardly takes a scratch.
- Jan 16th - January 16th was totally uneventful.
- Jan 17th - George W. Bush is born and immediately starts planning for world domination
- Jan 18th - Every single coat hanger in the world explodes, simultaneously. We are still unsure quite how this happened.
- Jan 19th - The many organisations of Liberal Terrorists each take credit for the coat hanger explosion of the 18th. However, all their stories of how they did it conflicted, and they were immediately sent to Venus.
- Jan 20th - George W. Bush, at the tender age of 3 days 0 days, owns up to the coat hanger affair, claiming it to be merely childish prank, and is forced to go without dessert.
- Jan 21st - The King of England Margaret "Trout" Thatcher finds a shilling in a car park in Rochdale. She weeps upon being told it's of no value, and annoys the community to the extent that she is given a probation order and forced to go without dessert.
- Feb 1st - Nothing happens. The nations currently under reconstruction breathes a collective sigh of relief.
- Feb 2nd - Nothing continues to happen.
- Feb 3rd - A newspaper article is released denying reports of nothing happening. The newspaper contains nothing else of note and is duly ignored.
- Feb 4th - Something happens, but everyone is so used to nothing happening that it is not noticed, drawing historians to now wonder how they knew something happened in the first place.
- Apr 4th - Tornadoes sweep the USA, inspiring the invention of the tumble drier.
- July 26 - Genevieve Gorder, an interior designer for the The Learning Channel's television series Trading Spaces, in Minneapolis, Minnesota .
- August 9 -- Richard Nixon abdicates the Presidency to claim the British throne.
- August 15 -- Karl Marx met Charles Chaplin.
- August 16 -- Unix day, first UNIX system was invented by Sam Hui.
- August 20 - a depressed mood ring commits suicide.
- Sep 3rd - God reborn
- Sep 4th - Neil Armstrong rides the mighty moon worm and declares himself first Emperor of Mars.
- Sep 7th - Neil Armstrong finds many fields of spice and officially declares himself the spice king.
- Sep 12th - Neil Armstrong quickly stripped of his spice king title by The Spice Girls in a terrifying and bloody coup.
- Nov 3rd - Pontogo was released to the public.
- Nov 4th - Pontogo was pulled from shelves.
- December 25 - Richard Nixon is crowned Richard III of the UK.
[edit] 1975
Wobbly, uncertain year conveniently serving as the centerpoint of the decade popularly known as "The 70's." A bland, vanilla-flavored year, 1975 snuck in so quietly as 1974 faded that no one really noticed it was here until sometime in February.
- The Queen of England reached her first orgasm.
- Dungeons and Dragons was officially released, replacing masturbation as the favorite Saturday night pastime of geeky fantasy/SciFi fanboys.
- The Beatles reunite with new member Bill Gates.
- Al Gore invents Gore Tex whilst searching for the internet.
- Ford Motor Company redesigns the Pinto, changing it from an inexpensive, moderately reliable form of basic transportation to the world's first four-passenger explosive device. Unfortunately, the detonator is placed behind the rear bumper and requires the impact of another vehicle to ignite, leading to massive recalls and the eventual discontinuation of the model.
- Earthworm Jim is born on June 9th.
- By-tor and the Snowdog both fight over the styx river,Neil Peart wins,then he Flys by Night into the Fountain of Lamneth,
Geddy Lee starts to go bald,and Alex Lifeson visits Lakeside Park.
- The sun invents disco dancing.
- A Necromancer kills disco dancing.
- Colchester is chosen for the site of a macabre experiment to test the effectiveness of replacing disruptive childrens' brains with a mixture of coco-pops, calpol and tangled guitar strings. All children became bent double, immediately grew lots of body hair, dragged their knuckles on the ground, practised fellatio with bananas every day and stood on the Barside at Colchester United F.C.'s Layer Road stadium every other Saturday afternoon.
- NASA launches the Viking 1 probe to Mars, but the crew stops off at the Moon for a little pillage and rape, become disoriented, and wind up veering off into Uranus.
- The Pope releases his best selling Live!: From St.Smurfs Basilica in the Land Far Far Away album A earth shattering 23 side album. This album was sold in boxes lined with fur made from muppets.
- The Human race is exterminated by the Kittens using iPods. Statistics show Kitten-related human fatalities skyrocketing while Kitten huffing loses popularity.
- Michael Jackson appears to have been born this year. Unrelated to the human race exterminatioon, he decolorates into transparency.
- On January 17th, 1975 Choirs of angels sang in glorious praise as slack, Unclyclopedia's greatest, and best-looking contributor was born on the windswept steppes of Illinois.
- Amusement park Vietnam Adventure! closes. Its most popular ride, Jungle Cruise, closes as well.
- February 22 - Drew Barrymore is born.
- July 4 - The beginning of the end begins.
- General Franco dies in Madrid, after a 41 year rule
- Ninja Pirate Island holds first democratic elections
- Whore Pirate Island is founded by the Pirate Prostitutes of Paris.
- J. B. Nilsen is born. The inventor of the double-bent pen with a firewire port.
- Eggs go on strike.
[edit] 1976
One of the most important years in the history of both the United States and The Universe at large, later immortalised in musical form. It was a good year indeed.
War:
- In this year the inuits invaded svalbard and this war was called the "Battle of svalbard".The inuits lost the war because so many frankfurters were coming to the island,making it a real bitch for the inuits to invade the island.This was also the only war in 1976 because Serbia decided no war on this year,but failed misserbely.
US:
- It marked the 200th anniversary of the whittling of George Washington's false teeth. *Although world history marked several important events that year, none of it is remembered in the US, because the entire year was declared a national holiday. People dressed in silly Colonial costumes, boiled their underwear to clean it in imitation of the Pilgrims, joined Fife and Drum corps, and wrote all their personal correspondence on parchment paper to celebrate. So much Grog was consumed by the people of the US that the hangover lasted well into June 1977. Also, this was the year that Rocky wrestled Apollo Creed.
- Genesis's seventh studio album (and eighth overall), "A Trick of the Dick" is released, making Peter Gabriel go "WTF? THIS ALBUM OUTSOLD 'SELLING INCREMENTS BY THE POUND' AND 'THE LAMB IS FUCKED ON BROADWAY', AND ALL OF OUR PREVIOUS ALBUMS, THE BEST ALBUMS EVER BECAUSE THEY HAVE ME ON THEM??? WTF IS THIS FUCKING SHIT? FUCK!" He has been the mortal enemy of Phil Collins ever since. Trick is such an awesome album that the world ends at the end of Los Endos because the album was designed to pwn the world and all who listened to the album. The next album, "Wind & Wutherfording", did not chart because there were no charts for it to chart on because the world had blown up, idiot.
Rest of the World: 1976 was an unexceptional year for the rest of the world, with the exception of New Zealand where rabid sheep attacks reached an all-time high in suburban Wellington.
- United Kingdom: due to the hot summer, water was banned and everyone had to drink warm beer.
- France: the Gallic Shrug became the official National Sport.
- Kyrgistan: entered the Guinness Book of Records as the most mis-spelled country in recorded history.
- Denmark: lost out to Sweden in the World Pornography Championships for the third year in succession, prompting protest marches and ultimately the fall of the Government.
- The last time "Beans!" was used as interjection. Credited for this act was Oscar Wilde.
- Angola: income from tourism remained at an all time low as travellers around the word resolutely failed to find it on a map.
- Australia: Bruce and Sheila threw some prawns on the barbie and cracked a tinny.
- Ninja-Pirate Assembly of God: Ruled the discos of the World with an iron fist
- Finaly the Elder Race returns to the galaxy and destroys the Solar Federation.
- Jorge was conceived in Denmark
- Sponsored by the Green Party, The Eco-Squad is formed by Mervil Comics.
- Queen released a follow-up album to the one which featured "Bohemian Rhapsody".
- Orson Welles directed the film Logan's Gun.
- The Great Debate began in Elko. By the time it ended in 1993 everyone forgot what started the debate, so they all went home and bought Apple Computer stock.
- Donegal discovers sin. And it feels sooooooooo good.
- That 70s Show begins, Fez is forced to act straight in front of the camera, and does a poor job hiding his raging homosexuality.
- March - Chelsea Charms, a genetically engineered life form used to grow skin and blood vessels for organ transplants, is created by French geneticist Dr. Jean-Pierre Queittenhauffier.
- July - the hottest year in all of History. It iinfac became so hot in mid - July that the world officially ceased to exist between july 17 to july 21. These days are generally referred to by Politicians as "Week X"
