∞ BC to 1 BC

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This page is a member of the Uncyclopedia Timeline. If an event isn't listed in the timeline, it most likely happened.

Represented here are the time periods from right after the beginning of time to 0.001BC.

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Contents 1 ∞ BC - 13,775,000,002 BC 2 13,775,000,001 BC 3 10,000,000,000 BC 4 9,999,999,999 BC 5 9,999,999,998 BC 6 8,000,000,000 BC 7 7,000,400,000 BC 8 7,000,000,000 BC 9 6,000,000,000 BC 10 4,550,000,000 BC 11 4,499,999,999 BC 12 4,499,999,998 BC 13 4,499,999,997 BC 14 4,499,999,996 BC 15 4,499,999,994 BC 16 4,499,999,986 BC 17 2,000,000,000 BC 18 230,000,000 BC 19 65,000,001 BC 20 65,000,000 BC 21 6,500,000 BC 22 1,000,000 BC 23 90,210 BC 24 50,000 BC 25 25,000 BC 26 17,856 BC 27 16,331 BC 28 10,000 BC 29 1066 BC 30 6,666 BC 31 6665 BC 32 6050 BC 33 6006 BC 34 5783 BC 35 5782 BC 36 4013 BC 37 4004 BC 38 4000 BC 39 3900 BC 40 3200 BC 41 3141.5926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751... BC 42 3141 BC 43 3142 BC 44 3059 BC 45 2556 BC 46 2500 BC 47 2000 BC 48 1932 BC 49 1875 BC 50 1776 BC 51 1772 BC 52 1337 BC 53 1333 BC 54 1303 BC 55 -1017 AC (1017 BC) 56 1000 BC 57 999 BC 58 900 BC 59 753 BC 60 666 BC 61 545 BC 62 540 BC 63 480 BC 64 468 BC 65 420 BC 66 404 BC 67 399 BC 68 398.999BC 69 392 BC 70 334 BC 71 333 BC 72 326 BC 73 325 BC 74 323 BC 75 313 BC 76 201 BC 77 200 BC 78 105 BC 79 100 BC 80 99 BC 81 92 BC 82 90 BC 83 61 BC 84 55 BC 85 45 BC 86 20 BC 87 10 BC 88 7 BC 89 6 BC 90 4 BC 91 4 BBC 92 1 BC 93 0.1 BC 94 0.015 BC 95 0.0015 BC 96 0.001 AD 97 0.149 AD 98 0.0001 AD 99 0.02659 AD 100 2007 AD 101 The Topic Maker Lost Count

[edit] ∞ BC - 13,775,000,002 BC

• From ∞ BC, the lifeless brains of Stephen Hawking and Einstein float through the incredibly boring void. Nobody knows why at this point, and generally everybody forgets to ask why later on (wouldn't you in a few billion years?).
• At this point in time, life is generally agreed to be incredibly boring, as nothing else exists. Occasionally a whist of space dust flutters across the void. One day, Gordon Freeman will create Half-Life, but there is nothing to do in the meantime.
• A mysterious blue police call box appears, a man steps out referring to himself only as The Doctor, then vanishes with some awesome noise type stuff. This leads to the eternal question: Doctor Who?
• Bruce Lee exists.
• John Farnham announces his first farewell tour.
• Spontaneously coming into existence, Chuck Norris arrives to start the wiring work.
• chuck norris invents light.
• Cthulhu is born and thus performs first tentacle rape.
• Gravity is born, but goes un-noticed for many milenia. Feeling left out and depressed, it begins to go on a murderous ramage pulling people off buildings and large cliffs, just trying to be loved. However, the scars of Gravity's early life still plague us today. Canadians have yet to forgive gravity.
• Gordon Freeman discovers the crobar.
• AC/DC is born.
• Methuselah is born
• "Solomon" wander's through The Void, pondering on the time's ahead. He also is present at the birth of AC/DC.
• Uncyclopedia was formed in 6.02x10^23 BC.
• Lili Ivanova is making a party for her 31st birthday.

[edit] 13,775,000,001 BC

• Three seconds before the Big Bang, Oscar Wilde arrives on his magical penny-farthing, coming from exactly one second before the end of Time.
• Wiring work completed.

“LET THERE BE LIGHT!”

~ Oscar Wilde

• Rock and Roll is born

“LET THERE BE ROCK!!!”

~ Bon Scott

• Bon Scott's declaration of "Let there be rock!!!" gains power and creates Led Zeppelin.

Jimi Hendrix forms the earth in 3 minutes and 51 seconds, with a 21 minute solo in the middle.

• The Big Bang happens, but sadly only Chuck Norris, Oscar Wilde and Tom Cruise are around to see it. Tom Cruise, newly-jilted by Oscar Wilde, declares it fake!

“It's a Mission Statement!”

~ Tom Cruise

• "Solomon", unknown to the others, watches from a distance.

“Time to get started”

~ "Solomon"

• Fifteen Minutes before the big bang, Keith Richards gets real bored at age eleven and first experiments with drugs.
• One second after the big bang, A random insect appears and yells, "WHAT THE F*CK JUST HAPPEN-"and asplodes
• Fifty-one seconds after the Big Bang, Chuck Norris invents all of the colors. Except for pink. Tom Cruise invents pink.
• Fifty-two seconds after the Big Bang, David Bowie buds forth from Oscar Wilde and invents the mullet, magic, and the concept of Awesome.
• Fifty-three seconds after the Big Bang, Albert Camus buds forth from Oscar Wilde and begins drinking gin.
• Fifty-four seconds after the Big Bang, Nietzsche buds forth from Oscar Wilde and declares all things to be "absurd" (whatever that means).
• Fifty-four and 1/10 of a second later, Albert Camus tries to get Nietzsche to have a drink of gin with him, resulting in "The Fall" (if you don't get that joke, you suck at philosophy).
• Fifty-four and 2/10 of a second later, Gravity Coyote comes into existence.
• Fifty-five seconds after the Big Bang, Chaos comes into existence.
• Fifty-six seconds after the Big Bang, Morgan Freeman is vomited out by a drunken Nietzsche.
• Fifty-seven seconds after the Big Bang, Chaos farts, thus creating time.
• Fifty-eight seconds after the Big Bang, Chaos scrapes Oscar Wilde off the bottom of her shoe (after being stepped on) and gives him superpowers; this being what Wilde always wanted, he quickly invents homosexuals.
• Fifty-nine seconds after the Big Bang, Paris Hilton is birthed from a lump of swirling gases.
• Fifty-nine and a quarter second after the Big Bang, "Solomon" in a fit of amusement, invents the Bicycle. Also begins to ponder the Future, and how he should be involved.
• Sixty seconds after the Big Bang, Paris Hilton is overheard saying, "That's hawt." (Perhaps she was making an inference that the the plasma and such swirling around at the time was in the billions of degrees... nah...)
• Sixty-one seconds after the Big Bang, Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks Paris Hilton into AD 2006 (unfortunately). "Solomon", after witnessing this, ponder's the meaning of Time Travel.
• Sixty-two seconds after the Big Bang, the movie "Snakes on a Plane" is finally created.
• Sixty-eight seconds after the Big Bang, the PC game Spore gets delayed until Sixty-Nine seconds after the Big Bang.
• Sixty-Nine seconds after the Big Bang, Spore gets delayed until the year sometime around 2008 AD. (Who the fuck knows...)
• Seventy seconds after the Big Bang, God rushes in, breathlessly asking, "Am I late?" There is awkward silence for millennia. "Solomon" coughs.
• Eighty-Seven seconds after the Big Bang, Microsoft begins development on Windows Vista. Production gets delayed until AD 2006 to allow them time to rip off the Mac.
• One hundred seconds after the big bang, Goa Tse invented the first dildo and then he putted it into his anus.

NOTE: The big bang was actually caused by John Petrucci playing the first guitar solo.

“And there was much rejoicing.”

~ Pithy Saying Man

[edit] 10,000,000,000 BC

• Alfonso Cuarón appears; he quickly invents art house filmmaking.
• The Bigger Bang occurs, but is generally critiqued as a pathetic attempt to continue the franchise.
• Oscar Wilde takes the world's first shit. He, not realizing what happened, is initially ashamed and puts it far beneath the earth.
• Chuck Norris takes the second, grander shit. Oscar Wilde feels much better.
• Oscar Wilde's shit feels rejects. Becomes first Grue.
• Duke Nukem Forever is announced to be in development, and will ship "when it is done".
• Frank Zappa is born.
• The first McDonald's is opened.
• Boo Radley is born as an egg.
• Half-Life is officially released. Morgan Freeman, Gordon's dad, claims all of his son's profits; a lawsuit ensues.
• Stalin invents ThePeopleSpace. It is renamed MySpace when it is stolen by Donald Trump.
• Rubik's Cubes are invented
• Rubik's Cubes solved by "Solomon".
• John McCain born
• Hugh Hefner and Wilt Chamberlain invent women

[edit] 9,999,999,999 BC

• First recorded evidence of Tweed, brought to trial, later aquitted.
• The Indian Nigger bang occurs and the first redskins are spotted. Automobile theft increases a further 1000%.
• June 27th - Oscar Wilde experiences the wonders of anal sex.
• June 28th - Oscar Wilde is arrested for experiencing the wonders of sex but is released the next day.
• "Solomon" ponders the year number, and wonders if their is anything.. more to it.
• Elvis Presley finds life boring as no one likes his voice and goes to sleep, then gets woken up on 8 January 1935.

[edit] 9,999,999,998 BC

• Clark Kent invents Superman during a masturbation act.
• Alfonso Cuarón invents the Vending Machine. Superman promptly has sex with it, unwittingly giving life to Skittles, the greatest candy drug ever made.
• Morgan Freeman invents the basket. Fortunately, at the exact same time, Chuck Norris invents wicker.
• Extreme Underwater Basket Weaving is invented.
• "Solomon" pause's to look over the events so far. He then remarks at saying:

“Heh, this is only the beginning”

~ Solomon on events so far

[edit] 8,000,000,000 BC

• Pineapples are invented by Boo Radley.
• Playboy spreads happiness across the universe. Note that this is millions of years before the invention of women. "Solomon" ponders on how women will come into being. He has mixed feelings.

[edit] 7,000,400,000 BC

• Chuck Norris challenges Chaos to a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors. They tie 48,900,324 times before giving up
• The mouse is introduced into the universe in anticipation of paying for the construction of Earth. Alfonso Cuarón screams and stands on a chair.
• "Solomon" wonders on the Earth and how the future generations will be lucky. As it turns out, he is only half right.

[edit] 7,000,000,000 BC

• The mousetrap first appears in fossil records.
• Elmo is born, as the "tickle" has yet to be invented, he is known only as Elmo.
• John Petrucci and Chuck Norris are engaged in the fabled: "Guitar duel of 7,000,000,000 B.C."
• Contrary to popular belief, 7 billion B.C. does not exist. It was mandated by the United States Government in 1856 by the 7,000,000,000 B.C. exists act.
• "Solomon" thinks about how a government will be needed to be regulated and maintained to keep Humanity in order. He then rests.

[edit] 6,000,000,000 BC

• Tom Cruise is discovered to be gay.
• Alfonso Cuarón carves Steve Kloves from a block of wood and gives him life.
• Sex was invented by the French at this time
• Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 3rd dies and leave his Jesus Stick to his son, Emanuel Jesus Fernando Gonzalez the 2nd.
• The guitar duel is still going on, Joe Satriani is spawned from John Petrucci's 380,921st insane tap solo.
• Although, Nobody has sex with the French, cause they're dirty.
• "Solomon" ,still asleep, dreams of the Earth, and of the war-torn future of Mankind. He at first puts it down to too much cheese. Later, he isn't so sure. Oh, and "Solomon" invents cheese.

[edit] 4,550,000,000 BC

• Earth is constructed some 10,000 years before it is due to be built, by the planet builders of Magrathea, in exchange for advance payment by the mice. Now in its infancy, it teethes mountains and vomits life. The actual building process is done by rock group Led Zeppelin. First, John Bonham created the rock and soil of the earth and designed the hills and mountains. Then, John Paul Jones filled the oceans and lakes with water. Robert Plant created breathable air for humans. Finally, Jimmy Page invented fire, so that early humans could use their lighters at rock concerts.
• Animals are created by Chaos' boredom. Plans for world domination begin.
• Ann Coulter emerges, angry and seething, from the Earth's core.
• Dick Clark is spawned from the hellfire.
• Pokemon becomes a popular phenomenon with all the microbacteria.
• The first Ghost is born.
• Oscar Wilde gives a talk explaining the things that can't be explained.
• "Solomon" observes the creation of Earth ,and, while observing Led Zeppelin, later puts his nightmares down to cheese.
• Jesus was thought to be seen but was merely a white stain on the country to be known as Greenland.

[edit] 4,499,999,999 BC

• Marujita Diaz was born
• The Misfits are formed
• Mike Newell is created by Dr. Frankenstein.
• Elmo "tickles" himself and immediately invites others to "tickle me".
• Marijuana is invented.
• belgians invent britpop
• John Petrucci wins the guitar duel finally, becoming the first and only being to defeat Chuck Norris in anything.
• Chuck Norris goes into a rage from losing the guitar duel that he creates the sun by shooting fire from his eyes.
• The fact that Chuck Norris lost something creates emos.
• Japanese people try to conquer the world by creating the Italian plumber and crappy animations.
• In response to these acts, "Solomon" creates the Sunglasses.

[edit] 4,499,999,998 BC

• Dr. Frankenstein become dictator of the earth, later followed by an ass kicking from the young Chuck Norris.
• british steal britpop, belgians are still unhappy about this and created dEUS
• Marijuana is given the nickname "kettle".
• Having been taken over by Dr. Frankenstein , and having been through it's first period of conquest, "Solomon" thinks on the Earth's fate and reveiws his dreams again. He also meet's the young Chuck Norris.

[edit] 4,499,999,997 BC

• End of the Cretacious period (House Remix)
• Beginning of the Facetious period
• Emo kids start covering one eye with their emo hair.
• Marijuana's nickname is revised to "pot".
• Yo Mamma is born
• "Solomon" ponders on a important question:

“To Emo, or not to Emo?”

~ "Solomon" on the Emo

[edit] 4,499,999,996 BC

• End of the Facetious period (Done by Aphex Twin; making no musical sense, and causing fear in the universe. Thus the story of satin is born)
• People discover themselves
• The Great Pokemon Plague envelops the Earth. 300,000 to 1,000,000,000 people die as a result.
• Pikachu becomes king of earth. He begins a 10-year reign of terror full of cuddliness attacks. Good thing animals don't live much longer then 10 years!
• My cat sabrina was born !
• Shocked by the Great Pokemon Plague, "Solomon" works on creating a Vaccine, using parts such as Rubber and Testosterone.

[edit] 4,499,999,994 BC

• Facetious period regroups for one last world tour.
• Start of Prehistrionic era. Broadway musicals still a long way away.
• Tom Cruise invents the Cruise, after himself. People are dazed and confused.
• Chuck Norris invents women.
• John Petrucci has sex with all the women before Chuck Norris can, thus enraging him farther.
• Seeing the creation of Women, "Solomon" thinks how they will shape the future. Then promptly falls asleep again.

[edit] 4,499,999,986 BC

• King Pikachu dies after being infected with SEHS by Tom Cruise. Thus ends the Great Pokemon Plague. The Vaccine invented by "Solomon" is used to great effect. He also spirit's away the body of King Pikachu for unknown purpose's.
• People are still dazed and confused.
• Chuck Norris visits the moon; there, he invents Red Bull, Steve Vai, and Herman Li.
• Herman Li is sent to destroy John Petrucci, but Petrucci had already traveled to the year 1985 A.D. to form the band Dream Theater.
• In a shock at the death of King Pikachu , Chuck Norris visiting the Moon, and John Petrucci Time Traveling to the Far Future of 1985 AD, "Solomon" visit's the Moon himself to gain calm.

[edit] 2,000,000,000 BC

• The Magrathea peoples invent the remainder of the planets in the solar system at the request of the United Federation of Planets who are kinda bored at ruling just one planet.
• Due to the completion of the planets Gustav Holst writes his 'Planets' orchestral suite.
• Just to piss Holst off, the Magratheans invent another planet, called Pluto. This instigated the Holst v Magrathea war.
• The Sandwich Islands are created out of the remains of John Prescott's lunchbox.

[edit] 230,000,000 BC

• Chuck Norris traveled to this year to invent the dinosaurs because he hated to see a perfectly good meteor to go to waste.

[edit] 65,000,001 BC

• Peter Griffin of Quahog explores masturbation on New Year's Eve.
• "Solomon" plays Chaos at Chess on the Moon . Soon after, they invent Battleships in a fit of bordem.
• The Zerg and Protoss Declare war on each other.

[edit] 65,000,000 BC

• The dinosaurs die because Peter Griffin "touched himself at night", all except for Oprah and Barney that is.
• All life forms see the same subliminal vision that gives all genies a epelictic seizure.
• Lavos impacts earth and buries itself deep in the core. "Solomon" observes this and the death of the dinosaurs with a great foreboading.
• Elmo gets his drivers license, but accidentally misspells his name as "Emo." Because he was in Uganda at the time, and in Uganda it is a law that anybody whose license says something on it (even if it is incorrect) must be so, Elmo become an Emo. He soon kills himself, inciting great rejoicing.
• A time traveler from the future accidentally steps on a butterfly. 65,002,005 years later, this causes a hurricane which pretty much pwns New Orleans. "Solomon" observes the Time Traveller with a great intrigue. He is also found later to be planning his own schematic for such a machine. This later dissapears.

[edit] 6,500,000 BC

• Chris Columbus is created from a lump of mud.
• Marguerite Perrin, the mighty harlot warrior, marries Yaacov Schmœnkæl. In that time, the males took on the females' family names because the women during that period were really strong and dikey. Marguerite and Yaacov Perrin later go on to become the royal family of Iacocca Village and force its citizens to perform various sex acts for their viewing pleasure; she pays them 2 fangs and 1 horn an hour.
• "Solomon" feels the World starting to spiral out of control. He also feels he may not be here for much longer.
• People begin to wonder why stuff only ever happens on nice even numbered years.

[edit] 1,000,000 BC

• A boring year all around.
• Neither John Wayne, Yoko Ono or Tara Reid are born yet.
• See 1000000 B.C. for detailed explanation.
• Yoko Ono is born and is sentenced to painful death the next year for being an asian faggot. She promises that "she'll be back!"
• "Solomon" considers Racism and searches for a meaning to it. He finds none.

[edit] 90,210 BC

• The Secret Order of the Scientologists is founded, and they begin their megalomaniacal scheme to lollerape people of their hard earned money with roflhipnol, oh and some shit about some alien messiah-"prophet" dude who will one day come and save the world on a boat filled with pre-pubescent children. "Solomon" on observing the creation of the Order of Scientology, warns people to "keep an eye" on them, due to their manical nature.
• The Secret Order of the Jews is founded, but is quickly disbanded by the Scientologists.
• Jackie Chan is born.
• Asian people are found to have natural small wangs
• The popular LA zip code is invented by a time traveler from the future, which isn't really implemented until about 92,000 years later.
• Chuck Norris rapes Jessica Alba, and in the process invents sex,the vagina and other useful inventions.

[edit] 50,000 BC

• Shishka, an early Biblical figure, is born in a cave.
• Shishka marries Bob. They have a child named Shishka-Bob whom they later skewer and eat.
• First "band page" appears on MySpace.
• First person gets slapped for making awful puns, (see shishka-bob).

“Shiska-bob... Been here since the beggining, and that's STILL the worst so far...”

~ "Solomon" on The Worst Pun in the Uncyclopedia Timeline.

[edit] 25,000 BC

• The estimated time of when the Earth was flattened. (Sauce is added, followed by cheese and pepperoni. Pizza is spun around by Chaos dressed in a cheezy chef suit. Earth is stuck in a non-pre-heated oven to bake at 450 degrees. It takes a while to warm up..... There is no global warming, it's just Chaos' oven, really!)
• First "band page" on MySpace finally finishes loading.
• Albert Einstein accidentally invents the Librarian, but soon after banishes it to the world of Runescape.
• With the creation of the Librarian , and the Flat Earth event, "Solomon" can feel his life dwindiling. He begins to research the Earth itself, as well as leave plans for a select few people...

[edit] 17,856 BC

• David Yates is crapped out by Alfonso Cuarón.
• "Solomon" wonders the purpose of the N00b, as well as beginning to think of his demise...

[edit] 16,331 BC

• The alternate 4004 BC
• "Solomon" mulls over Alternate Universe's/Timelines. He researches on how to breach these walls between Universe's.
• Redskins invent Lysol because Oscar Wilde won't sell them Marijuana for animal pelts. Oscar Wilde's car is stolen.

[edit] 10,000 BC

• Not to be confused with the highly anticipated sequel to 300, "10,000", which is a currently popular movie due to popular culture's appreciation for historically accurate films with little action. Similar films include 300, Braveheart and X Men.
• The great Chilliwack stench begins.

[edit] 1066 BC

• William the conquerer says that theres nothing wrong with a little "hey-hey"
• William the conquerer gets hammered and shortly after is raped.
• "Solomon" sense's something not quite right, as he is shocked at the Temporal Disruption of having the year 1066 transported to the point he is living in.
• The raped William returns the year in shame.

[edit] 6,666 BC

• AC/DC invents Satan, who decides to invent evil. He is disappointed to learn that evil already exists, and invents codecs out of spite.
• "Solomon" chastise's AC/DC on the creation of Satan arguing:

“Haven't we got just a bit much to deal with already with out some self styled King of Evil?”

~ "Solomon" on Satan's Creation

[edit] 6665 BC

• Nothing happens for a whole year.
• "Solomon" wonder's how nothing can happen in a whole year.

[edit] 6050 BC

• Bionicle is invented by a mad scientist and a n00b lord. "Solomon" ponders the ineptitude of a n00b.
• A Swedish chef is killed at a party in a drive-by shooting; nobody cares.
• Jackie Chan uses nunchucks for the first time, with funny results. sent to hospital hours later.

[edit] 6006 BC

• February 15 - YHWH is brought into existence, destroying several pan-dimensional beings. This starts to push "Solomon" 's doubt in the Universe and Time to the brink.
• A field of rice in China rebels and kills 4 farmers; nobody cares.
• optimus prime becomes a bachelor with bob saget
• bob saget drives a bentley into Optimus primes metal crotch
• Sprite soda is created by black people, out of rain, warm water, and ass.

[edit] 5783 BC

• Alfonso Cuarón invents the STD.
• Also, anthrax, the flu, scarlet fever and typhoid make several appearances throughout this chaotic year where most of the time was spent sick in bed. This was hailed as a major breakthrough as the bed had not yet been invented. "Solomon" struggles to maintain Vaccine's for these virus's.
• Frank Zappa becomes the Legendary Super Saiyan, and defeats Captain Beefheart, who retreats into the wild.
• Baby Joc turns into Young Joc
• "Solomon" ponders, if Frank Zappa can become his almighty Super Saiyan self, is their a future for Humanity?

[edit] 5782 BC

• Satan thinks up George W. Bush one night, but deems him unsuitable for Earth at this time.
• Led Zeppelin first plays "Stairway to Heaven".
• Frank Zappa dances with the stars.
• "Solomon" a disaster is coming. Due to his age, he is disbelieved by the people of the age. However, he would soon be proven right..

[edit] 4013 BC

• Mordor win the first ever Football World Cup.
• End of the Third Age in Lord of the Rings chronology.

[edit] 4004 BC

According to James Ussher, Earth was created in 4004 BC by YHWH, and don't you let no soulless, blood-sucking Darwinist tell you differently; you is what you is!

• young joc proceeds to eat his mother.

• October 29^th - On this day, YHWH decided that he had better things to do than sit on his ass all day playing Tetris on his GameBoy. Unfortunately for Mr. Ussher, YHWH did not invent Earth today (having already been invented). Instead, YHWH began to create a land on Earth for himself and future peoples who would worship him, so his mother would stop nagging him about his divine deitism. (His aunt and uncle were gay at the time, so they had their own problems to work out.) The actual recipe he used was lost but a fragment remains, found several years ago. Different fragments include, "...ir the mayonnaise gentle into the mixture, allowing the oil to sink down and a crust to form on to th...", "...ake at gas mark 12 for si...", and possibly the most enigmatic fragment, "...r base are belong to u...". This process would be observed by the now sombre "Solomon" , hoping against hope his prophecy wouldn't come true.

It is generally accepted that, had the instructions been followed properly, the Jews would be living in a much more hospitable place, like Guatemala.

• October 30^th - Jacob ben Oldeweiss invents Judaism and Betamax™ after getting a vision from YHWH. He packs up his harem and stuff and quickly moves to Israel, where he begins a moneylending practice.

• October 31:Ebay is started and the first item is the southern hemishere which is sold to George Washington.
• October 32^nd - Human-DOS is released.

• Saddam Hussain bombs Russia.

[edit] 4000 BC

• c. April 1: didn't occur until 1926(the most random year in the history of the world.)

• c. April 11: Jing-Long Xiao, royal grand wizard of the Chinese Ping Dynasty, develops a circular object that can be used on barrows to cart formerly dragged objects to and fro. He calls it the 'Xiaonu', or 'Happy Slave'.

• c. April 11: Sumerian wunderkind inventor Sumharrammhu develops a circular object that revolves on an axle that he incorporates into a game he calls 'dumhuhmmalla', or 'circle of fortune'. Contestants are especially pleased by the 'free spin' option.

• c. April 11: Xibulbocoatlican of Tilsibaba (current day Guadalajara, Mexico) creates what is described as his 'square with rounded sides'. His invention immediately finds use in disc brake assemblies for the latest model muscle cars in that ancient land.

• July 17: International patent dispute erupts over the invention of the 'wheel'.

• c. August 20: Square pie with rounded sides is created. Inventor calls it "Happy Pie," but gets entangled in patent dispute and pie is lost for hundreds of years.

• Cucumber 37: The Empire comes into power in A Galaxy Far, Far Away...

• "Solomon" feels that the scientist's of his day are far-behind in terms of Multi-Dimensional Travel and proceeds to crete a dimensional breach using the severing of partcal's. His results are unconfirmed.

[edit] 3900 BC

• During this year, due to experiments conducted by "Solomon" in his home in what would become Falmouth, a multi dimensional rip, called The Rift is created. This breach is later found to run all the way to Cardiff. "Solomon" seals the breach using a Multi-Dimensional Extrapilator.

[edit] 3200 BC

A year in which intense stupidity occurred.

• Wilford Brimley first utters the word "diabeetus".
• "Solomon" realize's that not all Humanity is intelligent.
• Chaos, in a rare moment of weakness, invents Hepatitis A to spite Oscar Wilde, who has been luring away all her men. Wilde, of course, doesn't really care.

At least, not until he gets Hepatitis.

“OW, MY DICK!!!”

~ Oscar Wilde

[edit] 3141.5926535897932384626433832795028841971693993751... BC

• Pi was invented by Alfonso Cuarón.
• Gay man dies eating it.
• "Solomon" sense's that his prophecy may concern the BC/AD transition.

[edit] 3141 BC

• π is found to be 1000-times smaller than an actual pie, despite the fact that the two cannot be compared (, 314% confidence)
• Alfonso Cuarón and the other couple of idiots then in existence have a retard party with a lampshade; incriminating pictures are taken.

“And there was much rejoicing.”

~ Pithy Saying Man

• Willie Nelson is born.
• "Solomon" plans for the events after his "Death". He also tries Pie. Remarks:

“Hmmm....Prefer pizza.”

~ Solomon on Pie

[edit] 3142 BC

• The year 3142 BC is told that it is actually supposed to be before 3141 BC, but it doesn't care.
• "Solomon" arrives in the year 3142 BC. At first thinks it is a defect in his Sol-1 Time Manipulator, his first Time Machine design put into Prototype.
• Man dies of "RTMNOP" (Remembering to much letters of pi)

[edit] 3059 BC

• January 2 - The duck spoon is invented, cavemen and bears praise alike, no longer burning themselves on porridge. Many ducks flee the timeline.
• May 20 - Due to a duck shortage, the less animate rock spoon is invented by Morgan Freeman. When YHWH kills him and claims responsibility for the invention, many scoff.
• December 31 - The ducks return, to the disappointment of YHWH, who lost his stolen patent to the duck spoon after the rock spoon was made.
• "Solomon" mourns the death of Morgan Freeman.

[edit] 2556 BC

• January 18 - Ducks attempt to evade duck spoon wielders by wearing tuxedos. Today these ducks are known as penguins
• January 27 - Wooden spoons are invented, easing the burden of carrying older spoons which were made from various types of rock, including flint.
• April 3 - Never Never Land is annexed by the Macedonian Army led by Donald Duck (aka, Donald the Destroyer, Lord of Angmar, Sovereign of All Gondor)
• July 19 - Completion of the Suez root canal.
• "Solomon"'s health deteriate's as he watchs the war in "Never Never Land".

[edit] 2500 BC

• Many new gods are discovered.
• The inhabitants of caves in Mesopotamia start worshipping clamps, which eventually led to the formation of General Motors, via a tortuous process of masturbation and crotch-rot.
• "Solomon" aids in the search for new god's under the guise of John Smith.

[edit] 2000 BC

• A bear wakes up from his sleep and decides it is too early to get up, so he goes back to his cave.
• March 11 - The birth of Henry Kissinger
• July 20 - The Welsh holiday Window Licking Day is born as Cavemouth Licking Day.
• Zeus invents North Korea.
• North Korea threatens to nuke heaven.
• Zeus retaliates by turning North Korea's leaders into to raving lunatics.
• "Solomon" wonders if the Gods have taken leave of their sense's after observing the North Korea disaster.

[edit] 1932 BC

• July 15 - To the amazement of all, Henry Kissinger secures a date with three hot Babylonian girls at the same time.
• August 21 - Henry Kissinger breaks it off with the three Babylonian girls and begins dating the Queen of Sheba.
• October 21 - Pirates are created by the Flying Spaghetti Monster to control global warming.
• November 23 - Mr T is invented: Pity's his first fool.
• December 5th - First Ninja sightings are reported; witnesses killed 0.01 seconds later; shuriken and katana sales quadruple.
• December 10th - The exact date "Solomon" began research on the new race of Ninjas, and their counterparts, the Pirates.

[edit] 1875 BC

• The chicken dance is invented, by an unknown vulture.

“Kill me! Kill me now!!... ”

~ A Chicken

• Peanut butter and jelly is invented when a strange turn of events caused a truck full of peanuts to colide with a "I can't believe it's not butter" truck and the blood of the drivers were mistaken for strawberry preserves. It tasted so good the English made a holiday to dance and chant a song when it was "Peanut Butter and Jelly Time."

[edit] 1776 BC

• July 4 - Eventually-Native-But-At-The-Moment-They-Ain't-From-'Round-Here American colonists from all eleven colonies issue a Proclamation of Autonomy to their mother country, Siberia. Paper is accidentally invented in the process of writing the Proclaimation.
• August 2 - The Proclamation of Autonomy arrives in Siberia. Nobody notices the deep historical significance of this moment, as 99.8% of the population has frozen to death.
• August 3 - The remaining .2% of people left alive in Siberia see the Proclamation of Autonomy blowing past them on the icy wind, and they catch it. Finding it inedible, one tribesman is so disgusted by the apparent uselessness of this 'paper' that he wipes it between his buttocks, intending to ceremonially signify his loathing of new inventions. Much to his suprise, the paper is significantly gentler than the handfulls of ice, rocks, and dirt that the Siberians generally used to wipe themselves after defecating. Thrilled, the tribesman runs to tell the rest of his clan the news, and fails to notice the Proclaimation of Autonomy that is still stuck to his foot. They mock him mercilessly. Toilet paper is thus discovered.
• November 1 - Redskins cross the Bering Land bridge and ethnically cleanse North America of the Romulans. They become native americans. North American car theft rates increase 1000%
• December 17 - Enraged by the apparent lack of response from Siberia, the colonists detonate large amounts of explosives at the midway point between 'their' continent and Siberia, ostensibly to signify their displeasure at being ignored. They accidentally destroy the entire land bridge, stranding themselves in their new home.
• December 18 - Protesters arrive and begin picketing the presence of human habitation in the Alaskan National Wildlife Refuge.
• December 21 - The dispirited colonists swim back to Siberia, leaving their former homes to be colonized by the protesters. This is the beginning of the Israeli-Palestine conflict.
• December 25 - Moses is chased up a tree by a rabid Santa Claus, thus creating the tradition of getting a Christmas Tree.
• Math is invented by somebody who didn't like people.

[edit] 1772 BC

• The Hindu holy man Ragsamanath Raliputi receive Divine Light from Brahma. He then provides 17 whales to the starving people of Calcutta, walks on bubbling lava, raises the entire contents of a 33-hectare cemetery from the dead, and turns 1440 cubic meters of Ganges river water into champagne. (OK, Calcutta is the modern name; it was Chandrasekhar back then. But you knew that.)

• The Chinese sage Tsingxao Ri ressurects himself from the dead, demonstrates the 14 manifestations of Perfect Being, preaches a sermon so enlightening that everyone who heard it was instantly united with the Univeral Om, and was seen to levitate into the blue empyrean in a cloud of glory.

• The Inuit shaman Kutuk pounds his walrus-hide medicine drum and with the power of his in'kutik prevents an asteroid from destroying the Earth, eliminats 3 deadly diseases which had previously killed thousands of people yearly, and stops a decade-long drought in Aethiopia.

• The Meso-American priest Alfonso Cuarón closes his eyes, counts to three, and, by the power of "Expecto Patronum!", wipes out an invading force of Olmec warriors, as well as a fleet of Star Destroyers on the edge of the known galaxy.

• 1766 years later, Jesus was born, a mere fart in the bucket by comparison with these forgotten holy men. Fame, how fleeting is thy fickle featherboa. Celebrity is as celebrity does.

• Person X has the crap beat out of him for inventing math and making life more difficult.

“And there was much rejoicing.”

~ Pithy Saying Man

[edit] 1337 BC

• Oil discovered off the coast of Switzerland by the Microsoft Petro chemical company.
• The Egyptians invade Paraguay after their President told a "Yo Mama Joke" to Tutankhamun.
• Meanwhile, in Australia, the first Whale-human hybrid is born, named "Chloe".
• Germany decides to start World War Two, but then realizes they don't have any automatic weapons. So, they play in traffic instead.
• Pharaoh Tutankhamun declares a jihad on Christlam, and the South.
• Alfonso Cuarón invents 5p34k. This drives thousands of people crazy trying to figure out what the hell others are saying.
• Satan wakes up at 7:00, but decides it's too early and goes back to sleep.
• Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks Ethiopia. He misses, and ends up destroying Atlantis.
• This year was declared less 1337 than 1337 AD by Alfonso Cuarón, which he assumed would be more 1337.
• Salt meets pepper, sugar befriends pepper but salt gets jealous and throws water at sugar, sugar dissolves painfully.
• William Shatner arrives from the future. Invents Canadians.
• Canadians invent Vikings, hoping they will visit Canada in the future and increase awesome.
• Chuck Norris invents Counter Strike: Source

[edit] 1333 BC

• Egyptian scientists discover a new cat god, Rawr.
• Man names the skin behind their sack Choat.
• Somewhere, a dog barks. This year sucks.

[edit] 1303 BC

• Nietzsche is devoured by a killer banana.
• Frank Lloyd Wright goes into hiding to become a Pokemon master.

[edit] -1017 AC (1017 BC)

• Alfonso Cuarón proclaims the end of Prehistory; nobody cares.
• Vito Antuofermo knocks out Andre the Giant in the first round and becomes king of Israel

[edit] 1000 BC

• January 21 - Vikings land on an inhospitable island they call Niv Iaerssei; this event later forms the backbone of The Saga of Rigaatoni Pennesson.
• Your Mom is born.
• Frank Lloyd Wright finally becomes a Pokemon master. The story is silenced by the government.

[edit] 999 BC

• The government of Native America is founded, but is quickly sacked by visiting Viking envoys from Niv Iaerssei. Also, some of the Viking warriors strew big leather sacks full of garbage (hence, sacking) all along the sacred hunting paths, which causes the tribe leader, Chief Iron-Balls, to cry like a fucking baby.
• Microsoft invades mexico, mexican sniper shoots Bill Gates, he dies. Unfortunatly he was saved on a backup floppy.

[edit] 900 BC

• April 21 People learn new stuff.
• August 29 The concept of the toilet is invented.
• People still like the shit on others chests.

[edit] 753 BC

• YHWH accidentally drops his notes on the history of the world, and, while in a rush to get it filed, hurridly shoves the papers back together. We can only assume that nothing ended up out of order...
• May 23 - The entire city of Romula (Rome after 55BC) is built by Romulans and Klingons, with the exception of the Colosseum. It was later added as a tribute to the god Colosseus, patron deity of Colosseum-building. But it still proves the point that Rome (Romula) really was built in a day.
• May 24 - Rome is consecrated by a pagan elder. No, it didn't take a day to finish it.

[edit] 666 BC

• September 26 - Tom Webster, son of an early follower of Webstianity, is born unto a great bison calf; he immediately explodes upon birth.
• John Wayne Gacy founds Bahai.
• Satan mistakes this year as 666 AD, and, as such, has a failed attempt to eliminate all Jews.
• Joseph Smith is born. DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM-DUM!!!

[edit] 545 BC

• Captain Kirk defeats the Borg

[edit] 540 BC

• The Borg make their first appearance (WTF?!?)

[edit] 480 BC

• Three completely smashed Spartans pick a fight with a posse of Persians out behind a bar at Thermopylae and get their asses whipped. This drunken brawl is inflated over time by a bunch of blind guys and later dangerously influences the already warped mindset of comic book demigod Frank Miller.

[edit] 468 BC

• 468BC, April 4 - Hashish is patented by Alfonso Cuarón.
• 468BC, August 16 - The Unabomber joins CFD (Campaign for Fancy Dresses).
• 468 BC, Carthage and the Covenant join forces to finally put Paris Hilton and OJ Simpson in jail. Thus resulting in the Great Paris Hilton - OJ Simpson War

[edit] 420 BC

• The whole world, except Chuck Norris and Bill Clinton, starts smoking cannabis every day.
• Bill Clinton dies of lung cancer, but YHWH reincarnates him.
• Amsterdam is formed by massive drugsteroids from outer space.
• Rastafarians start cultivating weed in Jamaica.
• Pipes, Bongs and Rizlas are invented by Alfonso Cuarón for marijuana ingestion.
• Weed becomes an important part of Roman and Chinese culture.
• YHWH declares the numbers 420 to be associated with Cannabis.
• In Soviet Russia, marijuana smokes You!
• Super Saiyan Frank Zappa smokes Russia.
• Vancouver is created in BC

[edit] 404 BC

• Year not found.

[edit] 399 BC

• Socrates dies drinking hemlock for crimes against Athens.

[edit] 398.999BC

• Socrates vomits up hemlock, chokes on vomit, dies again. Is revived by This Guy. Subsequently hit by bus.

[edit] 392 BC

• This Guy imports the kilt into Scotland
• Coincidentally, the Scottish get so excited (and hungry), no baby is seen for the next three centuries.
• The first existence of a sperm fountain is recorded in Swaziland. With the recent DNA checks on the sperm, we have established that the people who were involved into this project are: Manfred Mann, some sort of Male Oprah, Alfonso Cuarón, and the Great Penis. Oh, and, of course, Oscar Wilde.
• Satan ressurects Bill Gates, Hundreds commit suiside.

[edit] 334 BC

• February 4: People around the world suddenly realize it may be first and last 334 BC year that will ever occur. Yes, there will be a 333 BC and there have been a discrete 336 BC, perhaps even a couple of 120 ADs, but hey! that's the only one 334 BC ever! Parties are organized in the whole world and even on the local Egyptian moon colony. Inscriptions to future civilizations stating "WE 334 BC PEOPLE RULE!!!1!!11!" and "HA HA 336 BC PWNED WE ARE THE ONLY ONE 334 BC LOL" preserve this landmark to the posterity. Alexandria is founded to celebrate the event.
• February 6: Humankind begins to wonder what the hell "BC" means, but booze hinders further research on the subject.
• February 11: BC is officially declared to mean "Bewildering Cookies"
• July 3: Alexander the Great pwnz the Persians at the Battle of the Granicus. Persians realize they're after all not that great playing America's Army.
• December 25: Christmas, not recognized as such, puts Santa Claus in great dismay.
• December 26: Following the events in Persia, a nuclear war occurs, but every memory of it is wiped out, leaving only this Uncyclopedia note as a lonely, hidden mark that no one will take seriously. The only side effect to the nuclear war being not the radiation but the bringing about of Spongebob Squarepants. The whole world is pissed.

[edit] 333 BC

• The 333 BC people declare war on the high-and-mighty 334 BC people. Realizing that they themselves were once 334 BC people too, and that no 334 BC people currently exist, everybody kills themselves, except, sadly, for Jar Jar Binks.
• Everybody is resurrected by Windows 3.5, which subsequently unleashes the first computer virus upon Alfonso Cuarón.

[edit] 326 BC

• Frank Zappa kills Jar Jar Binks. Super Saiyan form not required.

[edit] 325 BC

• Alexander The Great kicks everyone's ass and conquers the World.
• This Guy has sex with a rock, that looks a lot like Hitler.
• Lili Ivanova celebrating her 32nd birthday.

[edit] 323 BC

• Alexander the Great gets his ass kicked by malaria.
• Mr. Rogers first puts on a sweater.

[edit] 313 BC

• Aristotle has a very interesting idea...

[edit] 201 BC

• Oscar Wilde opens the first haberdashery, in Islington.
• Meanwhile, the Five General Demigods of All Humanity, not more than a swallow's flight away, had come to an accord on something. Oh, that's an unladen swallow's flight, obviously. I mean, they were more than two laden swallows' flights away-- four, really, if they had a coconut on a line between them. I mean, if the birds were walking and dragging--

“GET ON WITH IT!!!”

~ Monty Python

Oh, anyway. On to 200 BC, which is a smashing year with some lovely happenings, in which the Demigods come to a final accord, and in which there aren't any swallows, although I think you can hear a starling-- oooh!

[edit] 200 BC

• The Ten General Commandments of All Humanity are ostensibly written on stone ledgers in an ancient, foreign language and buried this year, in a small village just north of present-day London, through the combined efforts of St. Paul, Oscar Wilde, Sidney Trammell, Chuck Norris, and the firstborn son of Daniel Craig (all known as the Five General Demigods of All Humanity).
• The Great Paris Hilton - OJ Simpson War ends with the two guilty celebs walking free and the Covenant and Carthage empires collapsing into monkey poo.
• Social Class is invented by Philip V of Macedon.

[edit] 105 BC

• The year that Oprah was born.
• The year that pt:Dercy Gonçalves pretends to be dead for the second time.
• On January 15, the first of the Bush family was born, reportedly out of a fiery hole in the ground in Texas. It would eventually result in the election of George W. Bush several milleniums later, causing extreme havoc to everything, everywhere, and every time.
• On April 31, a huge comet struck earth, creating a gigantic hole in the Atlantic Ocean, thus pushing the continents Europe and North America even farther apart.
• The first idea for a free encyclopedia that anyone can edit was conceived. When the creator, Har-Har Woody, tried to recite his idea to others, he was immediately stoned to death. Some stupid indivisuals, however, received the idea, claimed it their own, and created what is Wikipedia today. These indivisuals are still widely criticised today. This is what's known as the Chaos Theory.
• Normal people born in this year are pissed off to learn that they will probably die before Jesus is born.

[edit] 100 BC

• The Mushroom Kingdom is founded by Princess Peach.
• Chris Chelios and Dominic Hasek are drafted into the NHL.

[edit] 99 BC

• Most of the events on which the comic strip B.C. are based occur.
• And the same goes for Hagar the Horrible.

[edit] 92 BC

• Baby spotted.
• Chuck Norris defeats Satan in a beer drinking contest, Satan commits suiside.
• Raptors befriend ninjas, and t-rex befriends pirates

[edit] 90 BC

• After two long years, the world learns how to spell the word "suicide".

[edit] 61 BC

• Fed up with how ugly Eve, Virgin Mary, and Tinkerbell are, YHWH creates Elisha Cuthbert as an attempt to create the perfect woman, whether or not he was successful remains to be seen.

“mmmmmm (drool)...... ”

~ Homer Simpson

[edit] 55 BC

• The Romulans rename Romula to Rome for no reason whatsoever
• YHWH attempts to create the duck, marmot, eagle and beaver at the same time, but seriously fucks up, resulting in the platypus.

[edit] 45 BC

• L. Ron Hubbard, a lesbian pornographer, is kidnapped during a drunken orgy with six of his best friends by the Secret Order of the Scientologists. While in captivity, he develops Stockholm syndrome, becoming increasing infactuated with his captors. Upon release, he begins preaching to the masses what the Order had wanted kept secret. Before they can ritually disembowel him, however, the rich people, finding satisfaction in Hubbard's