A&R Person
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A&R people do not have reproductive organs, meaning that every A&R person is a clone of another. Being a clone of another clone is very depressing, so A&R people tend to develop their own kind of feeling. A&R people do not have souls, so therefore cannot maintain care of an individual, emotion, or opinions. They don’t even have personalities, so you want to feel sorry for them, but it wouldn’t matter, they wouldn’t care.
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[edit] The Role of an A&R Person
The role of an A&R person is to find potentially successful bands and sign them to the label. A&R people have to sort through hundreds of demo tapes each week, and pick out the ones they think might make a lot of money. Every band that does get signed to the label is closely linked with the A&R person in most departments. The A&R people do not have names, only code numbers. They can often be seen sidling up to a concert at night and then unsheathing a pen, and asking the band to sign up. Dazzled by this sudden offer, the unwitting band agrees, and the A&R person moves on to extract a large sum of money using a retractable calculator. This means that they have captured a band.
[edit] How to join A&R
Choosing to reside in an alternate dimension, you need a special way to access their department. You must stand on one leg, put your finger under your nose and shout “Warbleglarbleshnocht!”. This will throw you into the department. After a few weeks of the A&R people attempting to fire you at rival record labels using Dyson Hoovers, they let you go and you can return to the correct dimension.
[edit] Attack Strategies
The A&R person will often attack smaller or lesser mammals, including mad men in tracksuits. If they are provoked by a predator, they will send out thousands of spores which stimulate all 13 senses at once, causing the victim to die of a massive cut on the nose. If you see an A&R person, you should walk in to a tree or say “dur”, as they enjoy snargling up intelligence. After collecting enough intelligence, they use vaguely natural filters in their system to convert it to extelligence. To spot an A&R person, you should look for something that looks like it has seen a human, but doesn’t know how to look like one. There is a rightful king of the A&R people, but due to cloning it could be all of them.
[edit] Special Abilities and Features of A&R People
- A&R people have the ability to do 100 calculations per second
- They can move at speeds of up to 439 mph
- They have pointy teeth and headsets fused to their skin
- They don’t like Your Mom
- They poo a lot
- They are prone to huge heart failures, but this is not a problem. They have no hearts
- When an A&R person farts, everywhere within 500 metres ceases to have ever existed. That's POWER!
- Radio waves disappear as they walk by
- They have lasers in their beards and their moustaches strangle passers by
- They decompose and recompose on a regular basis, and cannot be killed without the aid of holy water
- They are spawned from the devil and work closely with the UTTA (Underground Teacher’s Training Association)
- They are very evil. They do a lot of things together and generally live a life filled with death
