A380
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“It's so fat you could fit 8 or 9 average American asses that thing!”
~ Oscar Wilde on that fancy new airplane
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[edit] Nature of the A380
The A380 is a two-floor plane developed by Airbus. It's international codename is Julian. "Contrary to popular opinion, its name is derived from the fact that it can perform a 380 degree turn and cross into the fifth dimension. Currently, pilots are using the technology to land in time to catch the latest episode of "24." The A380 can seat about 800 people in a normal "cattle class" configuration; for reference, this is double the population of Wyoming. The largest cargo models of the plane can fit approximately 2 Xbox 360 power bricks.
[edit] International acceptance
The international press have talked of there problems with the A380, saying that it looks like a Concorde. Many of the African press have said that the aircraft is too expensive, and that the plane is a sort of hot air 'ballllooon'. The British reaction has been different. The BBC have said that the plane is amazing, but could have difficulties in landing on the small island called Great Britain. The Indian reaction was a lot more positive, saying that the plane will be used as an advertising technique to persuade Pakistani's to hate themselves.
[edit] Production
Manufacturing the plane is relatively easy. To start, an A320 is goaded onto the tarmac by its chief trainer. There, it mates with an A300; if all goes well, the baby plane will have two levels and four engines. (Failed mating sessions result in the production of the A340; such planes are exiled to Germany and South Africa.) Newly born A380s go through a complex ordination ceremony that involves miles of paperwork; should all their wires be in place, the planes are allowed to leave their nest in Toulouse and fly away forever. The A380, like most planes of the 21st century, sports a composite body. However, Airbus decided to go one step further and make the plane 99.93786 percent plasma; this lightweight construction allows the plane to float up in the air and let the earth pass under it, reducing fuel consumption by 100 percent. The material is extracted from plasma televisions, preferably those owned by Boeing stockholders.
[edit] Technology
The A380 has four engines, but only one is used for propulsion; the other three are used as cigarette lighters. (A380 flights have an unusually large proportion of Frenchmen.) Having four engines also allows the plane to perform backflips, though FAA regulations prohibit planes from making backflips within 30 miles of Washington, DC. The A380, like most modern planes, boasts fly-by-wire controls. The technology involved is rather simple: A380 pilots stand on specially-made trapeze wires, from which they bark out orders to the co-pilots. For intercontinental flights, the pilots must ride unicycles while commanding the plane. It it estimated by the CIA that numerous terrorist groups have established circuses for the sole purpose of training pilots; as a result, 81 Iranian circuses have been torched to the ground, with all their trapeze wire confiscated.
[edit] Passanger Amenities
The A380's spacious interior allows for passanger comforts never before seen on an airliner. Richard Branson recently announced that his Virgin Atlantic A380s will come equipped with gyms, casinos, peep boxes, karaoke stages, saunas, bowling alleys, nail studios, and a 9-hole golf course. Singapore Airlines has proudly introduced its Executive Platinum Royal Deluxe First Class Suites on its A380s, which the CEO Chew Choon Seng has described as "a class three classes beyond first class". Each suite is equipped with a queen size double bed and a jacuzzi staffed by four Singapore Airlines Girls. Asked whether the suites wouldn't be abused by mile-high-clubbers, Seng replied, "We are a family friendly airline. Our cabin crew has been trained to regularly inspect the suites. Public displays of affection will be punishable with 40 lashes in the plane's brig."
[edit] Delays
The plane has been delayed numerous times, mainly due to intrusions by Tom Cruise and rain delays. (The Airbus headquarters has no roof; its removal was inspired by the destruction of the Berlin wall.) Airbus staff have reassured airlines and pilots, saying the A380 should enter service by the year 7372399840 AD. Opponents of the A380 argue that, by this time, the sun would be a ball of ice. The Airbus administration, however, argues that the plane can power the sun.
[edit] Rivals
The A380's main competition is the Boeing 747-8; the plane is powered completely by Chuck Norris' roundhouse kicks. (Efforts to clone Chuck Norris for the sake of the airliner are underway.) Proponents of the 747-8 praise the plane for its efficent, modern construction. Airbus staff, however, are prone to scoff at the airliner's lack of cigarette lighters.
The Chinese government is rumored to be producing a rival of the A380, modelled on inflated copies of Betamax VCRs - but in much better quality.
Though the two substances do not exist in direct competition, it should be noted that the A380 and Sodium Bicarbonate react to create Oprah Winfrey. Thus, Baking Soda is not allowed on any transcontinental flights, as bringing on a box tends to create 450 talk show hosts by the time the plane lands.
[edit] Trivia
The US Government has recently ordered an executive Version of the A380 as the flagship of the US Air Force, aiming to replace the Air Force One by 2011. Future US President Barrack Obama personally signed the contract at a meeting in France upon winning the Democratic Primary in American Samoa on super Tuesday.
Hollywood Director Wolfgang Petersen is planning a sequel to his documentary "Air Force One" with the A380. The working title is "Air Force Gone" and Harrison Ford will most likely make a comeback as terrorist, with Gary Oldman starring as US President. Critics have been quick to point out, that Petersen, a German national, may have received significant subsidies from Airbus to produce the sequel. Petersen has refused to comment on this. French President Nicolas Sarcozy, husband of the supermodel Carla Bruni did comment with a "Quoi?".
