AC/DC
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“I want my voice back god damn it!”
~ Elmo on Brian Johnson
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| Years Active | Creation of universe-Friday the 13th |
| Genre(s) | Rock n' Roll (as they say) and some people say heavy metal, but alas, these people are either retarded or elderly (or both) |
| Label(s) | Alberts Industries, Butterscotch Cunt Records |
| Members | Bon Scott (lead alcoholic) Brian Johnson (lead Elmo impersonator) Angus Young (lead schoolboy) Malcolm Young (lead let my brother be in the band so he can get free cigarettes) Cliff Williams (retarded 4 string thing) Phil Rudd (hits crap with wooden sticks) Abhinandan Nandi (What crystal meth lab?) |
| Former Members | Dave Evans (he couldn't sing for shit) God (He wasn't good enough for AC/DC) Satan (he was too much of a pussy) Anonymous Your mom |
AC/DC is considered by most people to be an absolutely, utterly, amazing band. This is mainly due to the fact that not only are 3 of the original bands members from Australia, obviously the worlds greatest slum, but that the lead guitarist, Angus Young wields the pick of destiny, and the Über alles school boy uniform!, which he took from a mighty ogre know to many as Bgretydews. Plus he's compltely fucking insane, automatically making him fucking awesome.
They are all always horny and drinking, and spend 74% of the time they lived under intoxication. But isn't that what America is for? (except for the kittens) I have to be serious here. AC/DC, like everybody else in Australia (except Ernie Dingo) are not Australian. Angus and Malcolm come from Glasgow in Scotland. Cliff Williams is from Liverpool, England. Brian Johnson is from Gateshead, England. Only Phil Rudd (the Drummer) is in fact, a pure blooded Aussie.
All hail AC/DC, or else!
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[edit] Formation of the Band
According to the latest studies, AC/DC was created by God in 1973 a.d. When asked afterwards why he created AC/DC, God replied, "With bands such as ABBA coming up, i thought that the people needed some real music." Experts believe that He was in fact shit horny when He made AC/DC.
This means that AC/DC out dates everything in the universe except God - even the Rolling Stones or Your mom. AC/DC is even old enough to have been around before the creation of Light, when all the world was darkness. Some experts believe that this is the cause of the band's power: its ability to tap into the primordial darkness and so summon dark demons to enhance their rockingness. AC/DC has the power to raise and lower their age at will, hence their longevity. Currently they are about 60 years old, but will soon convert themselves to 31 again. The members of AC/DC unlike many others have the power to make the sun rise every morning, luckily for us AC/DC does not control when the sun goes down.
[edit] Early Days
For the full story of the early days of AC/DC, you should consult the Book of Genesis, but the following is a short version. Yay Sparknotes!
In the earliest days of AC/DC, a man named Dave Evans was the lead singer, if you can believe it. He sucked really bad,(defamation) looked like your mother-in-law and no one liked the band because of him. Then one day, Dave Evans and his brother Mark Evans (was actually about the 4th bass player in the band)(who was AC/DC's first bassist) were giving offerings to the God of Rock. Dave offered his vocals and Mark offered a sweet Bass solo. When God preferred Mark's offering, Dave became angry and killed him. AC/DC soon found out, because they see all, sort of like Santa. When they asked Dave where Mark was, he replied, "Am I my brother's keeper?" This really pissed off AC/DC and they drove Dave out of the Garden of Rock and sent him to the Land of Nod, also known as the Land of Lousy, Pussy, No-Balls, Punk Shit, where he developed a way too much eyeliner addiction and died of it. The moral of the story is to never, ever piss off AC/DC.
Then AC/DC needed to find a new singer. Because no one could be worse than Dave and because they didn't really care about their music being good anyway, AC/DC decided to make Bon Scott, formerly the band's unofficial drunk and official driver bitch, into their new singer. Nobody ever forgot this moment, because it was just so important... except Bon, who was piss-drunk at the time and remembers nothing about it.
The next victims of AC/DC were everyone. When the band released their first album Songs About Beer and Sex, almost nobody bought it because it sucked. But then, when nobody liked their second album, More Songs About Beer and Sex, AC/DC had had it. Their solution was for Bon Scott to drink so much that his piss would flood the world. Bon drank so much that he pissed for 40 days and 40 nights.
The band wasn't much of a success until they released their cover version of Led Zeppelin's "Stairway to Heaven", known to us as "Highway to Hell". To avoid plagiarism, they decided to play the song forwards (as opposed to Led Zeppelin's backwards version), and they missed out the most famous verse of (backwards) "If there's a bustle in your hedgerow" or (forwards) "Satan satan, oh you turn me on, oh SATAN!!!" or something like that.
[edit] Slightly Less Early, But Still Relatively Early, Days
By 8000BC, AC/DC had succeeded in discovering fire, inventing the wheel, crafting tools out of stone and copper, and creating civilization in Mesopotamia. But this did not please them, as it did not involve sex and beer. For this reason, AC/DC decided to give up the process of civilizing mankind and become full-time rockers. After several failed albums, the band was broke and began to worry that they would never hit it big. These were the hard times for AC/DC. They had no money and could not afford to pay their rent, causing Bon Scott to develop the Down Payment Blues. Since they only wrote one song in their lives, AC/DC had nothing else to do besides wait around to be millionaires. Scott later recalled that this "ain't no fun".
Finally, AC/DC had commercial success with the sale of their mothers. Now with some money in their pockets, AC/DC could afford to drink (lots of) beer and hire (lots of) hookers. They quickly burned through all their money, and were forced to re-record their one song nine (9) times on the album Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap. After this album failed to sell a single copy, AC/DC renamed it Dirty Deeds Done With Sheep, and it went Platinum.
Following this latest success, AC/DC quickly made three more albums, Let There Be Beer, Beerage, and Highway to Hell Because of Sex and Beer, which all consisted of their one song. While these albums attracted millions of fans, they also helped alienate many music critics, who described the group as "the Antichrist" (Rolling Stone), "the worst sound since Paris Hilton decided to release an album" (The Rolling Stones), and "shit, absolute shit" (Jesus). AC/DC's response to these comments was, "Suck it Trebek" and "OH YEAH WEll, yer mum!" Unfortunately, this line had already been copyrighted by Sean Connery. However, MC Hammer enjoyed their music, and it often made him dance.
[edit] Hitting It Big
This section is perhaps misleading. The biggest thing that AC/DC have ever hit is a road block in getting past playing more than an open A chord in the blues style. For this reason they became famous in the north of England, where simple folk could enjoy their messy single chord songs tailored specifically to their minimal brain power.
[edit] Still More to Come
But there was still more to come. Lots more. Yes.
[edit] Bon Voyage, Bon
With the success of I Had Sex With 10 Women At Once, envious wanna-be AC/DC-ers Rose Tattoo, became jealous and decided to kill Bon Scott. After hosting a kick-ass show, blowing out his voice box and banging 9 17-year old girls, (it was an off night) Scott was ambushed by Rose Tattoo. They forced him to drink massive amount of alcohol, and after that only seemed to give him energy, Angry Anderson shoved his microphone down his throat, which caused him to vomit. He then proceeded to choke on said vomit, although there was some controversy as they can't prove whose vomit it was....you can't dust for vomit. He was later forced to leave the band due to his growing addiction to being dead and getting drunk, high, and stoned after each gig.
When Angus and Malcolm learned of this they were outraged. They toasted beer after beer to the God of Rock for revenge. The God of Rock, who was a big fan of AC/DC, granted them their wish; Rose Tattoo's career was ruined, they never produced another album, they were more or less stricken from the Torah of rock, and half the band got prostate cancer and died.. However, the brothers weren't satisfied, they captured the Rose Tattoo, challenged them to a Rock-Off, and whoever the god of rock favored would become the greatest band in the world. The loser would be sent to the depths of hell to be the devil's bitch.
The Young Brothers proceeded in playing the greatest song in the history of the world. Rose Tattoo, faced with the pure awesomeness of the song, were reduced to ash, and sent to hell. The brothers, realizing the power this song had, taught it to two other rockers, and vowed never to play it again. Those two rockers later formed the band Tenacious D (who eventually became filmstars at bollywood). The song itself helped them in a confrontation with a demon, but because of excessive use of marijuana, cocaine, speed, heroin, meth, beaver tranquilizer, and having a rock off with satan they later forgot the song...or did they?
[edit] Brian Johnson: A New Hope
In 1980, with Bon Scott dead and Alderaan destroyed, AC/DC turned to Geordie screamer Brian Johnson, who was their only hope. While no one could ever duplicate Scott's unique and legendary sound, Brain Johnson is considered by many critics to be just as great as Bon. However, as opposed to Bon's natural abrasive sound, Johnson had to drink 7 oz of whiskey, and smoke 3 packs of cigarettes a day in order to create his 'just gargled with rusty nails' sound. AC/DC hired him immediately. That same year, Brian and AC/DC released yet another album, Back in Rehab. This included such classics as "It's a Long Way to my Cock (If You Want to Suck and Blow)","Hell's Beer", "What Do You Do For Bumfun Honey", "Shake a Keg" and "Have a Drink and Blow Me".
Johnson was worried that the subject matter of beer and sex with loose women would offend the rest of the band, when in fact, they were offended that he included the song Rock 'N Roll Ain't Noise Pollution, as it DIDN'T have to do with sex and beer. It is the only documented occasion where AC/DC recorded a song different than their original.
Inspired by the success of the album, which Jesus said was 'The greatest piece of shit since Windows 98', Johnson immediately began preparing for the next album by drinking the county of Lynchburg dry, and smoking so much that it caused a shortage in the United States. Angus and Malcolm also began to write songs for the new album, and by write songs I mean rerecord the one song they had but with new similarly themed titles.
[edit] Cheap Puns, and Hard Rock
In 1981, AC/DC had just about finished recording their new album, "For Those About to Rock", when, in a drunken frenzy, Brian, Angus and Malcolm hijacked a battery of canons being transported for dismantlement. They decided to fire the canons during the middle of one of their songs. On the following tour, they brought their canons with them, and fired them into the crowd once the band got drunk enough to think it was cool. Many were deafened, some were killed.
The album peaked at #64 on the Chart of Rock, but many complained that it wasn't as good as Back in Rehab, which baffled the band as all the songs were exactly the same. In response, they began preparing for their next album. By this time their producer was trying to convince them that 7 albums of the same song was enough, but the band would hear none of it.
The band has always been massively popular, but even loyal fans are mostly unaware that vocalist Brian Johnson invented the car sunroof, Newcastle Brown Ale and the AK47 .He is the biological father of Amy Winehouse and Ellen Page. he also signed for newcastle united, (his hometown soccer club) in 1297ad.
[edit] Angus Young and AC/DC Quotes
- I love the music from Nat King Cole, BB King, Albert King... When I think of it, my idol is Mike Tyson so I wouldn't mind being renamed Don King.---Interview for the French TV channel MI6
- If it was happening, I'd call it Good'y Mate. If it wasn't happening, I usually fall on the floor and distract the audience.---When asked if he specifically named his guitar. From Rolling Stone Magazine.
- I don't like to play above or below people's heads. Basically, I play in between.---Interview with NME magazine in October 1976
- We want to appeal to Zulu women and get rich quick. I've got this plan to buy Zuluville you see.---Interview with Sounds magazine in June 1976
- I know, its only rock and roll, but I like it!---Joan Jet on AC/DC.---Interview with the Atlanta Gazette.
- We're a rock group. We're quiet, polite, humble and spastic.---Bonfire Box Set
- I'm sick to death of people saying we've made 211 albums that sound exactly the same, in fact, we've made 121 albums that sound exactly the same.---Angus Young to Dick's Van Dyke
- "Whattya do for money honey? I give the dog a bone for FREE!"---Brian Johnson to Madonna
- "For the money, honey!"---Angus replies to reporters question, "Are you crazy?"
- "Well he's back, yes he's back, well he's back on smack, yes he's back on smack!" ---Brian Johnson on Russel Brand's career
- "You mean theres OTHER keys besides E-Major?" ---Angus Young on music theory
