ASDA
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“Oh, fuck it, let's go to Tesco's instead. We might as well shop in the winning store.”
~ Oscar Wilde on which supermarket not to patronize
“I hate me.”
~ Director of ASDA on himself
“I go to Waitrose, cos I'm worth it.”
~ Andie McDowell on shopping
“Yeah, it was meant to be an anagram of AIDS, but the bloke we hired was cheap too.”
~ Director of ASDA on corporate branding
'ASDA' is a cheap supermarket for cheap people, which caters for traditional British folkways, like eating yourself silly, being a single parent and shoplifting. It was eaten by Wal-mart in 1999. ASDA-mart sells just about everything that your average piss-poor prole living in a council house in Stoke could possibly want, from shit-cheap clothes to men's eau de toilet to own-brand food to food that people would actually want and obviously to British lad's mags. The chain is in direct competition with other such cheap-and-cheerless names such as Aldi, Lidl, Netto and Oefl.
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[edit] ASDA customers
[edit] The Poor, the Common and people who are both (but specifically boy racers)
Your typical ASDA will contain a lot of poor people, or at least the very common, who can see that ASDA is the best and least judgmental place to bag a copy of Nuts or FHM. ASDA's "piss-poor" range (also called "Smart Price") is highly suited to those who don't have a job, or those who live in the north and enjoy complaining, such as the residents of Sheffield. A sub-group of the common who are almost exclusive to ASDA are British chavs and boy racers (American translation: "rice burners"). Given the ASDA staff's indifferent attitude to pretty much eveything due to low pay and rubbish working conditions, boy racers are given free-rein of the car-parks and goods entrances of every ASDA in Britain. It could almost be conceived therefore as a mutual relationship, as when wasting their petrol and pretending they're like the people in the Fast and the Furious, the most convenient place for shopping is obviously going to be ASDA. This British form of redneck therefore makes up a vast amount of ASDA's revenue yearly, which is a shame, because all ASDA feel the need to do with that is compete with Tesco's and Sainsbury's in springing up eyesores in the centre of poverty line towns and cities.
People who don't even have the means to provide a semblance of wealth, and don't even have the self esteem to shop at Tesco's or Morrison's, or those who want to pretend they're down to earth or try to economize are also frequent ASDA customers. However there is one known instance in which these persons of low self-esteem like to spend big. Before any annual celebration of note, poor English people (I don't know about the colonies) will descend on ASDA with all of their money, and blow it on fireworks and so on. Exclusively at Christmas, they will choose to waste this on large and tacky seasonal decorative items, such as easily poppable blow up snowmen, and copious amounts of lights. The purpose of this is to out-duke your neighbor, although eminent sociologist Louis Chauvel suggested in his 2003 report entitled England's Piss-poor; Social Habits of Poverty that light and tack is really an equally good way of slightly and briefly lightening the deep depression inside every council-house resident.
[edit] The Nazis
It's well known that 96% of Britain's Nazis shop at ASDA and provide almost as much wealth as the boy racer element of ASDA's clientelle. So the ASDA of Central Bradford took a novel approach to selling their products, which was to change the sign at the front of the building from ASDA to N(A)SDAP.
[edit] Poorer
If ASDA adverts are to be believed, ASDA also caters for another type of poor. Poor celebrities, who cash-strapped as they are, will take any job they can. In this case, ASDA demeans them by making them work in ASDA for a day, and forcing them at knife-point to look happy and talk to both customers and colleuges throughout the entire day. This plan backfired mightily, given that no celebrity on any of the adverts is recognizable as anyone of note at all. Tramps (often indistinguishable from the common sounding British celebrities) also often pay social visits, often against the side of ASDA.
[edit] Puritans/Masochists
Although they're just the same really, aren't they? Well basically they both like pain right? And they're both shunned and rightly maligned. The other common factor is that they shop at ASDA because of the "SmartPrice" set of products- Puritans buy them for their spartan qualities, while Masochists find the toilet paper and suchlike painful, and therefore pleasurable.
[edit] Other ASDA regulars
- The Fat- they need lots of food, and cheap.
- Single parents- the more common types of them anyway.
- White van men- they're all fucking wankers. So they shop at ASDA
- The middle classes- (just kidding)..
- Communists- it smells like the proletariat, which commies like.
- Aldi workers- so they can fob off ASDA's stuff even more shit-cheaply.
- Northeners- 'nuff said.
- The old- they're usually piss-poor
- Netto workers- 'cos they caught on to Aldi's idea.
- White van men- one of the fuckers brake-tested me the other day.
- the Fat- they're back again. Greedytwats.
[edit] That's ASDA price
A common way for the transaction of drugs to occur in England in the early 2000s was for the dealer to wait around in ASDA. The client, with an ASDA pullover and a Television camera would point the camera at the dealer, who then to confirm his identity would tap his back pocket twice and say: "That's ASDA price!!" enthusiastically. Shortly afterwards, both would retire to an abandoned section of the store (for instance, the department containing soap, a concept foreign to most ASDA customers) and have a look at some items in the said section, during which the transaction would take place. However this practice was phased out when ASDA decided to use the same idea for an Ad Campaign, after seeing so much enthusiasm in their stores.
[edit] George at ASDA
George at ASDA is a tramp who has become somewhat of a mascot to the ASDA of Wigan. According to local legend, he walked into the store, smelling like piss and needing a shave, and headed directly to the ASDA's "SmartPrice" toiletries and detergents section, and came back out shortly after smelling worse. The ASDA employees knew a bit of a lark when they saw it, and barred his exit. He has stayed there ever since, surviving off discarded polythene packaging and lilt. No-one knows why he doesn't eat normal food, but that's academic, cos who knows what tramps think. What isn't academic is that the ruse has worked. Since George at ASDA was given a restraining order not to go over 300 metres from the ASDA in question, in a case led by Wigan and District Borough court, George has reluctantly accepted his new home, and there is now no need to lock him in at nights. This has promoted Wigan's ASDA to the extent that trade has doubled since George's arrival, and the smell of ASDA improved slightly.
