A Series of Unfortunate Events
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A Series of Unfortunate Events is about three spoiled brats who had it coming and their adventures documented by Plummy Snookerball. Did I just say spoiled brats? Yes. I meant spoiled, pompous little bastards who got completely screwed and deserved every minute of what they got. Up yours, Plummy.
Contents |
[edit] Plot: Version 1
Note: This is only an overview of the first book. If you want to know what happens afterwards, you're just going have to buy the books and read them at your own risk.
Book One: The Bad Beginning
This book begins with the three main characters, Santa Claus Klaus,Purple Violet and Mooning someone Sunny. They were nice, wholesome children who never committed a sin. They help the poor and believe in God. However, God has a cruel sense of humor and decides to light their house on fire and kill both of their parents. Alas, the children are now orphans, with no love and no soul. They are then adopted by an Uncle who is their closest relative. By "closest" I mean he is the least farthest away from their house and might not have any relation to them at all.
Unfortunately for them, the uncle is Count Dracula himself! He plans on getting their parent's fortune. Unfortunately he couldn't just kill them. Nooooooooooo, he just HAD to devise a clever way to stop get it. He plans to marry Violet in a supposed "play" and get her fortune. But the kids stop him by CHARGIN THEIR LAZOR (eye beam thingy)!!!! END OF BOOK ONE
P.S Lawyers looked over this article and decided it was safe to look at because there were no spoilers.
[edit] Plot: Version II
Note: The books have a mystical effect on people. Exactly 61.90736829473926392203947362 percent of the readers read this version. Unlike version 1, this is the entire series overview.
Hey, s*** happens...
[edit] Final Riddle
In both versions, even though the characters are different, it ends this way.
Isadora the prostitute writes her last poem while being molested by Count Olaf/Eminem. Then she calls over Sunny/Mooner who bites Olaf/Eminem's dick off and eats it. Olaf then starts answering his cell phone, and suddenly Isadora sees that he uses the Seblad code (see Lemony Snicket).
Beatrice: Excuse me, I happen to still be alive, and no, my husband does not smoke dope.
Jacquez: In case you were wondering, I happen to be in mad gangsta love with a woman named Veronica Quagmire.
Humphrey/Jerome Squalor: would you like to join me in the Salmon restaurant, please, please?
Sugar Bowl: If I may interrupt, I think someone has given me some attitude... please recant that statement, k? k. thx.
Olaf: Bitch! I teach you how to jack off, biatch!
(Cell Phone rings)
Sunny: Henopa (Want some road-kill? Count Olaf is a big 'Doo-Doo' head! So... there!)
Olaf: Shut the fuckitie fuckdy fuku fuka up you 'eater' of Doo Doo!
Mr. Poe: (holding gun) I'll pop you one, bitch! Some thing 'is' totally wacko!
Olaf: Fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit fuck shit 'ASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEEEE'
Mr. Poe: What the hell is a fuck shit?
Sunny come up and bites Olaf in the Ass and crawls away and Olaf is left there to be humped by a by-passing hobo.
[edit] Characters
Pink - Some hooker bitch that likes a retarded Brad Pitt
Krappy - A gangsta pimp who is in love with himself
Mooner - A baby who's anal hobby is obvious from her name
Count Eminem - Coolass lawyer/rapper from Da Hood
Mr. Poo - Some molesting dickhead
Another guy - what's in a name?
Count Eminem's Crew - Every Count Pimp needs a crew. Unfortunately for the count, 2 of the members are retarded and one of them think shes a jelly fish.
Putanesca - Sticky substance spawning from Krappy's lower intestine which he craps out in the form of noodles.
Count M&M- Count Eminems stunt double for the martial arts fights.
[edit] See Also
[edit] Books
1.The Benign Beginning - The Children are partying it up on the beach when Mr Poo comes round the corner and gives them sweets in order for them to go with him. they then find out that their parents have been raped and killed and raped and raped again and raped some more and then killed again. They're care is passed over to their 554th cousin 32 times removed, who for the rest of the book chases them around his mansion and trys to molest them while at the same time impersonates a dinosaur.
2.The Randy Reptile - When Mr poo heard what happened he quickly children to stay with their uncle Monty Python. He hires the Count in disguise. The children easily saw through his disguise but Monty (and all the other adults in the remainder of the series) does not. He is then injected with potassium cyanide. The orphans are moved to another relative's care once again and the pattern repeats.
3.The Wide Woman - the basic story is that the orphans get passed into the hands of their aunt josephatty. she then jumps out of the window and count loaf fails to capture the orphans. count loaf then has sex with aunt josephatties dead body.
4.The Miserable Meddler - the children are sent to orphan camp to work their asses off because no one else in their HUGE family wants to be stuck with them. Clawz gets hypnotized into thinking that having sex with every thing he sees is normal. the children find out a clue to unlocking the big secret of the phrase "YMAW". one of the words is YOUR.
5.The Cooking Class - The children arrive at "St. Anguses school for rotten delinquents" and claws immediately rapes the girl who is giving verbal abuse to the three of them. Count loaf is the PE teacher and makes violin run 70 extra laps after class everyday while he watched. meanwhile moonbeam was being eaten by killer crabs in her bedroom.
6.The Elevated Erection - The children are adopted by a man and a woman who are obsessed with fads. clawz rapes their dog while violin discovers that one of the secret words of "YMAW" is A.
7.The Vile Vagina - After being betrayed by the woman who adopted them, they travel to a crow infested town where they are convicted of murdering count loaf, who is disguised as a police man. clawz rapes a crow, then the three of them get put into jail, but soon escape by eating the walls and they runaway and get picked up by a strange minibus of full of woman.
8.The Hostile Whorehouse - the woman take the orphans to a whorehouse in the middle of no where and clawz has sex with every woman there. violin gets cut open and moonbeam just keeps out of the way of his brother and sisters antics.
9.The Carnivorous Cock-muncher - the children after all this being chased around by whores and mad necrophiliacs decide to take a brake and go to the carnival. they make new friends who have extraordinarily gifts such as growing an extra head and self sucking. clawz rapes lions who bites his penis off while violin and moonbeam go see a crazed psychic. they agree to go on a road trip with their new friends who betray them and take them up a snowy mountain to see count loaf and his cronies.
10.The Slippery Sex-Toy - clawz and violin jump out of the car off of the mountain and leave moonbeam to be kidnapped by them selves. they make their way up the mountain and meet their long lost friend quigleious, who falls in a river and gets sucked away by the tide. meanwhile moonbeam cooks meals for count loaf and his cronies. violin and clawz find out another word to "YMAW", whore.
11.The Great Gay - the children when reunited build a pirate ship and sail quickly down the river that quigleious got sucked away in. the children fall into a submaine where moonbeam contracts Aids. the submarine then gets taken over by count loaf and his cronies and the children releal a shocking secret about count loafs past - he used to be a pimp.
12.The Pimps Penis - the orphans wash up on the shore of the beach they were partying at when their parents died, a strange taxi turns up and the person inside convinces the children to get into the - the dumbasses do. the taxi drops them off at a hotel where they find work. coincidentally, every single person they had ever met was staying at the hotel. at the end, count loaf sets fire to the hotel and blames it on the children who are sentenced to 12 months of bondage. for this, moonbeam bites his penis off. the four of them decide to para glide off of the building on a boat.
13.The End - orphans boat brakes down and they end up stranded on an island full of cannibals. they find a secret lab where their parents used to work and they find out the full secret phrase from one of their mothers note books. "YOUR MUMS A WHORE" the children are then confronted by count loaf who then reveals that he was the pimp who their mother worked for. they walked into the forest and hung themselves from trees.
14.Chapter Fourteen-the orphans lives are reborn after count loaf has sex with them. In gratitude they agree for him to molest them anytime. In other words, they gave in to count loaf's will to molest them.
15.Beatrice Letters- Keeps track of horribly written antisemetic letters that Melany Snikkit and his ho would passed down in class. Melany would later join a nazi group called: The D. Sanchezs. Beatrice, or how she is referred to in the letters, "Tits McGuiver" is later impaled with a salmon at a fancy dinner party after trying to have sex with loaf's grandmother and kicking the later-to-be-introduced bastards that would protagonize (wait wtf?) A series of Unfortunate Events.
