Abdul Alhazred
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“This guy's crazy.â€
~ H. P. Lovecraft on Abdul Alhazred
Abdul Alhazred is a subjective interpretation of an advertising phenomenon of the genera Archaeoglobus Ferroglobus built by an expert in the ancient art of Lovecraft, famous for his posthumous work in the dark arts of pottery and economics (possible mistranslation - 'Dark arts and pottery and economics?).
Abdul Alhazred is the famed author of the Velcronomicon (often misattributed under a variety of different titles), a motivational self-help recipe and politically-subversive satirical children's cartoon aimed at the 15-to-78 year-old warlock demographic.
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[edit] Quotes from Abdul Alhazred
"That is not dead which can eternal lie, And with strange aeons even death may die. But seriously though, who really believes this shit? I once knew a guy who thought he saw Sasquatch but it turned out to be a really big beaver."
"Alright, so, like, there's this thing, right? And it's like totally not a normal thing, like an alien but in some trans-neo-hyper-elite-dimension thing, okay? And there's this thing like a person with an octopus face and wings in this totally BIGASS undersea city, yeah? And there's this government coverup so you don't know the TRUTH about the untold horrors of stygean chaos, man. It's not like Yog-Sothoth opens the gate, more like Yog-Sothoth IS the gate... Oh yeah, pass the bong."
"Ever been to Arkham? Me neither."
"Your writing is crap. Needs more tentacles."
"This one time, at band-camp, I summoned up a transdimensional entity to eat the souls of all mankind... no, I'm not joking... what? yes! it's true! Alrright, I'll give you what you want to hear, it stuck a tentacle up my anus. There. Are you happy now? WELL ARE YOU?!"
"Ia! Ia! Shub-Niggurath! The Black Goat of the Woods! The Black Goat of the... oh, fuck, can we take this from the top? Ah, this is one for Denis Norden alright. Man, he's wacky. Yeah, wacky. Well I think he's funny, and if you don't you can FUCK OFF."
[edit] Quotes about Abdul Alhazred
“Abdul Alhazred. I know for a fact he wrote some pretty weird shit. Loved it. Loved it. Plus I heard he went and invaded New York once and carried screaming women up skyscrapers. Or maybe that was King Kong. I forget. But man, my old mate Abdul was a dude. Also had a mighty pork sword, if you know what I mean, heh heh...â€
~ Oscar Wilde on Abdul Alhazred
“He promised to summon a demon to help me take over the world. Instead he screws Eva and runs away to Tahiti. Sonuvabitch still owes me twenty marks and an command over the Unnamed Ones.â€
~ Adolf Hitler on Abdul Alhazred
“The stuff that dude comes up with when he smokes hash..... quite simply amazing. I should borrow his stuff sometime, see what I come up with.â€
~ H. P. Lovecraft on Abdul Alhazred
“I would've made passionate love with him and become his muse if it wasn't for the fact I'm straight.â€
~ Stephen King on Abdul Alhazred
“How could he be devoured by broad daylight? I mean, daylight isn't even alive. Weird.â€
~ Captain Oblivious on Abdul Alhazred's death
“If he was alive today, I would probably have him arrested as a possible terrorist. I mean, he is after all an arab.â€
~ George W. Bush on prejudges
[edit] Filmography
Abdul Alhazred has acted in:
- Risqué Goings On At The Powderhouse Café (or, Four Weddings and a Molestation) (1752) - Stiffy van Cock (credited as Abdul the Arab)
- Pride and Prejudice (1872) - Mr Darcy
- The Dream-Quest for Unknown Kadath (1961) - Narrator
- Sherlock Holmes and the War for the Internet (1974) - Edward Elgar
- The Passion of the Christ (2004) - Jesus Christ
- The Never-ending Story (2027) - James Earl Jones
- Euclid's Magical Time Journey (2066) - Simeon Bird
- Yog-Sothoth and the Mistery Machine (2078) - Abdul Alhazred
- Yog-Sothoth Returns (2082) - Abdul Alhazred
- Yog-Sothoth Forever (2086) - Silvester Stallone
- Yog-Sothoth Reloaded (2089) - Wachowski Brothers
- Yog-Sothoth Recompiled and Distributed on Java Platforms (2091) - documentary on the making of Yog-Sothoth Returns
- The Return of Yog-Sothoth Returns: Reloaded (2092) - Cthulhu H. Christ
- Dr. Selflove, or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love Masturbation (2098) - Bukkake Man
Abdul Alhazred has also been a part of the crew in the following movies:
- The Doom That Came To Sarnath (1820) - Optical Recording Device Operator
- Cadfael: Rock And Roll (1956) - Gaffer
- The Viator (1999) - (producer, director, writer)
- The Passion of the Nyarlathotep (2006) - (producer, director, writer, catering)
- My Underage Ass Wants Your Cock (2009) - Director
- David Attenborough - The Resurrection (2041) - Producer
- Cadfael: Roll The Rock (20 BC) - Gaffer's Manager's Assistant's Brother-in-Law
[edit] Achievements of Abdul Alhazred
- Was voted sexiest man in Sarnath twelve years running by entities unknown.
- Was also considered (but rejected) for the role of Stephen Hawking in the upcoming film "Science Versus Jesus VI - The Showdown".
- Although not many people ever knew the truth, the television series Thundercats was originally created by Abdul Alhazred and William Shakespeare sometime in the late 16th century.
- Introduced tentacle porn to the Japanese during the American occupation after World War II.
- Starred in every roll in the popular Television show The Love Boat
- Was involved in the construction team which built Mexico.
- ghost-wrote 98% of all American television soap operas. Also played the part of 29% of the soap opera extras for the payment of one cheese sandwich a day.
- Died in 2106 AD through too much kitten huffing, and again in 2117 AD when he duelled with Galileo.
- Wrote the book My First Necronomicon
