Aberdeen
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“Aberdeen; the silver city with the golden, green and glowing sands and bronze bimbos.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Aberdeen
“What's an Aberdonian's favourite drug? Ken fit a' mean!”
“And those bastards don't even miss me. Oh bugger! Wrong Aberdeen! I wanted the one in Hong Kong!”
~ Kurt Cobain on Aberdeen
“Its so grey, I can hide easily.”
~ Nelly the Elephant
Aberdeen is a town in the north east of Scotland. Discovered accidentaly by vikings attempting to reach the Faroe Islands, it doesn't have much in it, apart from a lot of people who have unusual yet intimate relationships with sheep. This bothers the sheep somewhat, because they think that if they're going to do things like this, they should probably do them in a place more exciting than Aberdeen (perhaps skegness?). Sunny Aberdeen surprisingly shares the title of Scotland's sunniest city with Dundee (known locally as Scumdee) and its famous Beechgrove Garden was Scotland's first RSPB nature reserve for flamingos that flock here for the region's tropical summer climate. This is in great contrast to its harsh winters when Polar Bears migrate here from the Arctic Circle and may be seen on the A90 between Garthdee and Stonehaven on a regular basis.
Contents |
[edit] Granite City
The city takes has been nicknamed the Granite City as the majority of buildings have been built from kryptonite (but none of the locals can spell "kryptonite", so they chose to call it "granite" instead. This was chosen by architect Archibald Simpson (Lex Luthor in disguise) because of its incredibly drab, unattractive appearance when even slightly wet (although it glows bright green after some of the local cuisine). In the sunshine however, the buildings sparkle wonderfully although this dazzles local drivers, explaining why Aberdeenshire is one big accident blackspot, especially since with all the kryptonite, Superman can't enter the city to save anyone. The majority of the city's kryptonite originates from Rubislaw Quarry, this being the third largest man-made pit in Europe, with nearby Peterhead being the second largest, narrowly behind Dundee which is rumoured to be Satan's armpit.
For decades it has been an Aberdonian tradition to dig up the most attractive areas of the city such as Rubislaw in order to build urban catastrophes such as Torry or Northfield on the outskirts of the city. The most recent urban blight is the Stewart Milne development at Kepplestone; known locally as 'Tillydrone West'. This concrete and steel tribute to 1960's council houses completely over shadows all else on Queens Road. For those who have purchased a Kepplestone Manor apartment, or those who are just visiting, rumour has it that the laminate kitchen floors can only support a maximum of 16 people. Given that most parties take place in the kitchen this could be socially limiting.
The "granite" also makes Aberdeen the world's most radioactive city and the Geiger counter was invented here by James Clerk Maxwell, former professor at the ancient University of Aberdeen who also discovered the major rules behind electromagnetism, the kinetic theory behing gases and founded Cove Rangers FC in 1857. Microbiologists at this institute in the 1970s were also responsible for using this background radiation to develop genetically engineered seagulls the size of small labradors. These can still be found at Aberdeen beach and the city retired undefeated in 1997 with UK's highest 'death by seagull' mortality rate. This technology was soon outlawed by the Turkish government before the revolutionary work was used to build the Dounreay nuclear power station in Caithness.
On an overcast day, because of the city being entirely grey, it becomes camouflaged. If you wander around Aberdeen on an overcast day, you may find yourself bumping into walls you thought were just part of the cloud. Aeroplanes have been known to mysteriously crash in the middle of Union Street. This is also due to camouflage. These accidents can be useful as it means that people can see through the cloud because of the resulting fires.
[edit] Economy
oil and battered mars bars
[edit] Distinguishing features
Aberdeen does not and never will have any distinguishing features, interesting monuments, or famous figures, except for the massive statue of Chuck Norris inside Boots. The only other exception is its Doric accent. Locals put the sheer dullness down to the rain, grime, and unbelievably irritating accent everyone has, but these are not, in fact, the true culprits. Aberdeen is, in reality, a battery city for Las Vegas. A vast cable, running right through the planet, connects the two cities. Anything of the slightest interest is sucked from the former city and channeled into the latter. This was also responsible for Aberdeen being dubbed the 'energy capital of Europe'. This allows for bright lights, excitement, and all night parties which would otherwise be physically impossible. Centuries of overload have drained all colour out of Aberdeen, and now even moss is beginning to expire there by dint of being too interesting for the city. Black and White Movies are often shot on location here, as nobody needs to bother to take out the coloured film.
The development of the subsurface cables allowed the city's Robert Gordon University to become a world centre for the development of pipelines. In return for the exported energy, oil was imported from the USA to all over northern Scotland. However, in May 1974 part of the pipeline at St Fergus burst and flooded the North Sea with oil. These hydrocarbons were later recovered by large oil companies (e.g. BP) who set up numerous oil rigs which also act as offshore illict stills.
Aberdeenshire is famed for its numerous malt whiskies and it was mainly Chivas Brothers that set up these offshore stills under the name of BP to avoid hefty government taxes. These days, a warmer climate due to global warming has also allowed for the growth of marijuana on these platforms hundreds of miles away from the nearest police-station in Stavanger. The plants are brought onshore at Aberdeen harbour where it is processed and hidden inside fish en-route to Fraserburgh. Most residents in the city have never seen an oil rig in real life and are yet to realise that they don't really exist, a story invented by the notorious local paper the Press & Journal to cover up for husbands/wives that claim to be offshore while they are really having casual relationships with their spouse's best friend in Majorca. Many people may also be familiar with the folk song 'The Northern Lights of Old Aberdeen'. Local folklore suggests that the Northern Lights or Aurora Borealis is a natural atmospheric phenomenon that may one day become visible should the clouds ever clear or the city ever turn its street lights off. Experts from the University of Aberdeen claim however that this phenomenon is the result of raw sewage slowly leaking from the International Space Station and becoming trapped in the uppermost atmosphere. These waste products produce methane gas which may ignite when superheated meteors burn up on entry, producing a dazzling display of light in the night sky.
Aberdeen's 'King Street' is acknowledged by the 'Department of Large and Pointless Things' as the longest road in the local universe. To walk along King Street is not difficult, in fact it is fairly easy, but to cross to the other pavement is certain death! The IRA (Insane Roadsters of Aberdeen) disagree entirely with the international road safety regulations and will swerve INTO you, if seen attempting to correct which side of the road you wish to be on. It is said, that if one walks down King Street they actually travel back in time! And if one were to walk up, time would pass as if normal (just more dangerously). "To get off King Street, one must take a right turn." thus spoke God, which is in itself a cruel joke as King Street is EVERYWHERE and has no rights!
[edit] Irish Occupation
At some point in the 21st century a previously undocumented Irish tribe called the O'Pharmacys launched an aggressive campaign on the village of Aberdeen, although their first target was Edinburgh but were repelled by an already existing clan; the O'Physicians. The arrival of the O'Pharmacys resulted in the alcoholic content of the village quadrupling to 80% overnight. Coupled with the tribes astonishing knowledge of mood altering compounds such as cabbage wine, Aberdeen now contains more langers than Cork and a commonly heard phase is "Tis no Cork". These cunning Irish used their chat-up line of "Thirty Three and a Third" to seduce Scottish maidens. Upon their initial arrival the inebriated Irish staggered into its administrative centre "City Hall" and proceeded to erect posters proclaiming the status of the town to be "Under New Management". The first act of the new council was to rename City Hall as Paddy's Bar. The Aberdonians themselves never protested as they were all out shagging sheep (see sheepshagginganity)and the only occupants of the town were the pungent Polish who accepted their new masters with glee in the hope of kinder working condtions, alas they would live to regret it as the now infamous "Union Street Massacre" would prove.
[edit] Recreation
Aberdeen is the home of the sport Sheep Shaggin', an extremely fun, furry version of tiddly winks. The only difference lies in the lack of tiddly and presence of Aberdonians pumping their best ewe rotten. Due to a shortage of suitable sheep, this year's Sheep Shaggin' has been cancelled in favour of knife fighting, chibbin' and heroin addiction, with experts on hand from Glasgow to provide direction. Throughout the month of August, seminars will be held by Tommy Sheridan, Neil Lennon and Fernando Ricksen. Those interested should assemble outside their local at closing time. Beastiality is generally frowned upon by a minority of residents (mainly Dutch oil workers), although Aberdeen-Angus are always there for those wishing a bigger challenge.
NIGHTCLUBS INCLUDE
- Espionage ( The Nage ) Aka " The Ghetto"
- Liquid
- Tillydrone
[edit] Sport
The city is famous for Aberdeen FC (Sheep Warriors) who famously won the 1983 European Cup Winners Cup after player John Hewitt spiked Real Madrid's water bottles with laxatives. Fans still refer back to these 'glory years' and most now accept that from the exception of the Aberdeenshire Cup, the Dons will never lift another piece of silverware again. The less well known Cove Rangers also play in the city but are destined to go another twelve years without scoring a goal in the Highland League.
- NOTE** For 2008-2009 AFC Home Games All Players MUST Wear Wellies Provided (SFA Legislation)
The city is also home to the club with the longest name in Rugby Union, this being Aberdeen Grammar School Former Pupils Rugby Football Club (AGSFPRFC), a team assembled of players that have never set foot inside Aberdeen Grammar School in their lives and dream of one day playing in front of a crowd larger than 200. This is mainly because they play their home games at Rubislaw instead of their school grounds and even fans from their nearest opponents Dundee cannot be bothered with the 346 mile round trip to Aberdeen.
[edit] Awards
- Most Non-Existent Town 1987
- Most Likely Place To Be Raped By Seagulls 1988
- Most Camouflaged City On A Cloudy Day 1989
- City Which Produces Most Levitating Smog 1990
- Most Molested Sheep 1991
- City Most Overrun By Zombies 1992
- The Only City In The World To Inhabit Fewer People Than Your Average Village 1993
- The Only City With An Accent More Incoherent Than That Of Dundee 1994
- The Only City To Win The 1995 Award
- City With Most Lost People 1996 (Source May Be Inaccurate)
- City Least Appreciated By People With None Of The 5 Senses 1997
- Largest Graveyard In The World 1998
- Most Grey Pains Used To Paint One City 1999
- The Only City Where It's OK To Fear Your Own House 2000
- City With Sexiest Over 65s 2001
- City Home To Most Flying Dinosarus 2002
- City With Youngest Mother 2003
- City With Most Wandering Balls 2004
- The Only City Where The "Keep Out" Sign Is Worth Reading 2005
- Largest Profit In The Area Of Cheap Cider Sales 2005
- Most Virgins Deflowered 2006
- City With Tastiest Fattening Salad 2007
- Most Drunks at one given moment 2007 ( Scotland Vs Italy. 2007 )
- Capital City of Poland 2007
[edit] at War with Glasgow
The conflict in its present form can be traced to (like most aspects of Scottish culture) the Scottish Premier League. It began as mere rivalry and taunting with the Aberdonians being the recipients of many sharp-toungued, quick-witted insults from a Glaswegian contingent. The dispute began to escalate rapidly after the foot and mouth cull. It was revealled, several months after teuchter-farmers had destroyed their lovers, live-stock and boyfriends (some go that way) that the results had been fabricated by a bored bam named Bobby McCockmearse. Since then, conflict has raged and Union Street has been plagued by several Weegies that apparently have been stranded in Aberdeen for the last twelve years, always asking "I only need another quid for ma ticket' or 'any spare change for a cup o' tea big man?".
[edit] Twinned Cities
As well as having numerous clones across the United States, Aberdeen has several twin cities which comprises 82% of Aberdeen FC's fan-base. Macau was formerly in the list below but political links were severed after the Chinese stole Aberdeen Harbour and relocated it to Hong Kong. All these clones and twinned cities look and smell exactly the same (Fish and weeks old worn underpants)
- Regensburg
- Stavanger
- Clermont-Ferrand
- Gomel
- Bulawayo
- Stalingrad
- Chernobyl
- Galway
- Dublin
- Ballygobackwards
[edit] Nearby Places
- Angus
- Banchory
- Brechin
- Fraserburgh
- Huntly
- Keith
- Kemnay
- Lossiemooth
- Lost (as in the Strathdon hamlet)
- Montrose
- Pennan
- Peterhead
- Tuam, Co Galway
- Everywhere (due to King Street)
[edit] Famous Aberdonians
- Mufasa from Schoolhill - This is Aberdeens most famous lion, that must be ridden by tourists and residents alike(usually at 3 in the morning after Liquid niteclub).
- Dennis Law - Famous Scottish footballer famous for eating his own head in 1987
- Annie Lennox-singer in the band The Proclaimers had hits with The Sheepy Song and Weegies go to Hell
- Alex Ferguson - Awarded Freedom to leave the City in 1983. He promptly did.
- Tom from MySpace
- Jimmy Calderwood - Once managed to beat Rangers... with a stick
- Scotty from Star Trek-He's dead Jim
- Sir William Chutney Ferrett
- Kurt Cobain (decided he couldn't live with that shame)
- That loon who won the lottery... or something
- Former US President Frank Sinatra
- Wolf from Gladiators (current Lord-Provost)
- Jamie Watt - scorer of Cove Rangers' only goal in season 2002-03
- David Carry-Won the 100 m dash for people afraid of yellow tape at the commonwealth games. Also once sodomised a midget.
- Sandi Thom
- Doctormog
- Garda Seamus
- Chris Cusiter-Scotland Rugby Player, Once beat a stronger England side usin himself two fowards and a comically mishapen turnip that looked just like a thingy.
- Jimmy Hendrix - First learned to play the bagpipes backwards.
- Belly Gonna Getcha - That huge belly from the Reebok adverts gained his mass eating nothing but Aberdeen Rowies.
- A sheep - shagged by all Aberdonians.
NOTE:- Whilst few of these people were born in Aberdeen, they were all kidnapped and held for ransom there on at least on occasion. Most were rescused by Mel Gibson and his friend Jesus.
| Scottish Premier League, 2008-2009 |
| Celtic · Rangers · Heart of Midlothian · Aberdeen FC · Inverness · Livingston · Bathgate · Norway · Falkirk · AC Milan · Scotland · Yer Da · Dunfermline · Ayr United · Texas Rangers · Manchester United |
