Aberystwyth
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“I'd rather have David Walliams take a shit on my face.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Aberystwyth
Aberystwyth is a town in Mid-Wales just south of the great city of Borth. It is often just overlooked as a suburb or satellite of Borth by the casual Welsh enthusiast, but in recent times Aberystwyth has been steadily gaining an identity of its own. Infact due to the Borthian overspill into Aberystwyth the vibrant town of Aberaeron was commissioned in 2005 to take some of the expanding populous.
Contents |
[edit] History of Aberystwyth
Aberystwyth was founded in 1589 by Queen Charlotte Church of Wales. The town was originally founded as a place to put old hospitals, and other assorted ugly buildings, once they had out grown their useful lives. The town has grown in its own right since its establishment, but has been overshadowed by the budding metropolis of Borth. Aberystwyth gained its Royal Charter even earlier when in 1277 it received the royal seal by Prince Edward the unimpressive and his lovely wife Princess Sophie of Gurn. The seal allowed residents to burn furniture on the beach and marry close relatives, previously a secretive but widespread pastime. The seal died in 1285.The last known Queen of Aberystwyth was "Sophie the great tea consumer", infamous for her promiscuity, who after ruling most of wales and having the University PJM halls of residence named after her, left in 2006 in order to invade the land of the Hollish, formely known as Dutchland or the neverlands.
[edit] Old Hospitals
The impoverished local residence of Aberystwyth decided to put these old hospitals to use. The oldest of the hospitals was converted into “The National Library of Wales”. The biggest old hospital was converted into The University of Wales, Aberystwyth. The people of Aberystwyth have found meny another use for the hospitals including halls of residence for the students of the university. As a reward for the ingenuity put into the conversion of the hospitals, the town of Aberystwyth was given an old (but not quite defunct) hospital, which takes pride of place in its collection. It is the current only working hospital, called “Bronglaise”(being the welsh for bruised breast), after the 80s singer.
[edit] National Library
Aberystwyth was chosen to be the host town for the National Library of Wales. This is the only library in Wales, and as such is a great draw to the town. The library contains over 40 books, including a very good section on farming and another very good section on rugby, and a host of other publications. It was built in 52 AD by Marco, which is why its so safe and not sliding down the hill.
[edit] University
Aberystwyth was chosen to host the first University in Wales due to the fact that the only library in Wales was situated there. This has has a large impact on the town, bringing with it great revenue to the town and creating several jobs. The two biggest industries created by the University are cleaning puke off pavements and late night junk food. The two industries are hevery integrated and operate a very successful recycling program between them.
[edit] Local Traditions
The main pastime for the local youths is patrolling the barron streets of village in a circular fashion in their parent’s cars. They will also often stop, and stand around outside the cars. This is because none of them have yet worked out the way off the town's one way system. The past times of the car-less in Aberystwyth is walking very slowly around the town, to slow down people who are hurrying around, and standing in doorways to block access to shops or pubs. The town has no pubs, they all ran away.
[edit] Societies
Also home to a society of Live Action Role Players, ape like creatures who spend a lot of time in loin cloths, hitting each other with sticks and grunting. An example of this creature is Greg Miller who is commonly seen in the woods next to the student village beating his bitches with his samurai sword. Little known is the fact that this society is actually a front for a paranormal being regulation agency, so far they have prevented 3 seperate invasions of zombies, demons and Emo-kids and continue to do so under the cover of nerdy students hitting each other with sticks.
[edit] Important Events
The Great War of Borth. In December 2007, the International Politics Department or the political bitching talking shop for short declared war on Borth. This lead to the Welsh Nationalists(pea brains) taking control of constitution hill and bombarding the old college with old shoes and farming journals. This caused men to act like children and women to spout quotes from Arnold Schwartzenegger's many crap movies including Junior and Jingle All The Way. Andrew Linkater or Kinky Andy for short had been taken hostage by the welsh red shirts and subjected to torturous speeches of Michael Winner and we all know he's a c**t. On February 29th 2008 a rescue operation as performed by a elite SF group lead by Alaster Finlan, going off intellgience gathered by Paul Madrell (ex SAS, SBS Delta force, Jack Bauer, James Bond and Chuck Norris) and the intelligence module members of the university Kinky Andys location at the Borth Animalarium. The Attack was thwaited when a pack of wild ponies begun eating the SF members. And the war is still going on behind closed doors.
The Day Aberystwyth had a brawl. A regular event Monday to Sunday, 12pm to 6am. Bring your kids bring your grandparents and some chibs you might get lucky. Five quid at the door and two to leave. The last man standing gets a free crappy Aberystwyth souvenoir of a sheep or jolly dragon.
[edit] Costa Coffee Controversy
In February 2008 Aberystwyth was invaded by Costa Rica, the initial invasion (similar to the Borth D-Day landings) was repelled by Chavs and employees of independent cafe's driving "pimped" Saxos and Corsas whilst playing Adele loudly causing the Costa Ricans ears to bleed. They took refuge in sports world where they reduced all stock to clear and begun to grow weed in the loft. Once they had perfected an intricate distillation process, they begun to sell "Special Brew" fair trade coffee to the locals that doesn't taste as nice without the blood, sweat and tears of underpaid 3rd world laborers.
In response a facebook group has been created [1]to highlight the seriousness of the situation and provide a serious forum for serious debate about the severity of these serious happenings.
Kinky Andy has become a regular on his days of bail from Borth prison.
