Abortion
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“Me and my homegirls were like, lets all get abortions this friday it will be fun”
~ Laguna beach girls
“Aborting a child is like aborting a mission, youre just posponing it”
~ George Bush Jr. on abortion
“To be honest my son was a late payment on an abortion”
~ George Bush Sr. on abortion
“15% Off on clothes hangers for all them abortion”
~ K-mart special on Sunday's paper
“if abortions are murder then masturbation must be mass genocide”
~ Oscar Wilde on abortions
An abortion is a rare medical procedure with a number of benefits, ranging from increased future financial prospects and saving future costs to freeing up free time for around the next 18 years. Its benefits compare to a performance-enhancing drug, so a group of people (hereby called JC-bashers) has formed. The JC-bashers are totally against performance enhancing drugs and so they want abortions banned because they give a sports person an unfair advantage over those that haven’t had abortions. In contrast to these JC-bashers, ths the difference? 1. one is born, the other not yet. Is one conscious? One is, the other no.
One faction within the JCers takes more extreme measures. Some people have pointed out that when people who follow Islam blow up buildings due to their religious convictions they are labeled as “terrorists”; however this slim percentage who blow up abortion clinics in western countries are labeled "pro-life radicalists". There has been many attempts at finding good, politically correct and consistent terminology, such as "faith-based paramilitary service providers" or just plain "theocratic fascists". However, all of these proposals failed to be approved by a 55% majority of the house of sexual congress, also known as the pantheon of Hollywood celebrities. Democrats thought it was too offensive to call these people "ethically challenged"; this wasn't PC enough for them.
Few people in the JC movement support the faction, and fewer still know where such supporters come from. One theory is that they spawned from a previous radical movement, where members took the opposition to the point that they murdered pregnant women, stole their fetuses, and grew them in laboratories to make a race of super-human pachyderm chimeras. Investigations thus far have remained inconclusive.
[edit] The abortion process
First, an abortion must pass both houses of Congress by a majority vote. After it has passed out of Congress, it is sent along to the President. If the President signs the abortion, it becomes a citizen.
If the President specifically rejects the abortion, called in vitro, the abortion returns to Congress. If both houses of Congress pass the abortion again, but this time by a two-thirds majority, then the abortion becomes a citizen without the President's signature. This is called "jumping the shark".
If the President takes no action at all, and ten days pass (not including Tuesdays), the abortion becomes a citizen without the President's signature. However, if the Congress has adjourned before the ten days passes and without a Presidential signature, the abortion fails. This is known as "pocket pool".
In Britain, abortion happens pretty much all the time, as due to the rapid rise in threesomes, the paternity of unborn children is often uncertain. 82.66% of abortions are Tesco Value abortions, involving one swift kick in the stomach and a free can of baked beans. The other 7.52% are for rich people, and are carried out by the Queen. Unfortunately, abortion is not yet compulsory in Newcastle, causing much distress to the general population.
In China, an abortion happens when parents discover that the embryo is a girl. This predicament makes feminazis heads a splode.
Abortion in the rest of Asia is generally handled by the Denver Broncos team doctor. If he's not available special arrangements are made to import asian dudes dressed up in Hello Kitty outfits. Although the procedure used does not vary (whiskey, coat hanger, 2000 flushes), the fact that the abortionist is outfitted as a beloved star makes things easier. If Hello Kitty is not available they just use a plain old cat. The cat has to be named Jerry, though.
However, in the wizarding world there is a different method of abortion that, quite frankly, saves the mother time to be able to perform other important daily tasks. After the initial pregnancy test spell is completed, "fetus primordie", then the abortion spell can be used. A quick flick of the wrists and point towards the unborn child while saying the magical phrase "fetus expulsiae" is all it takes to get rid of that embarrassing reminder of spring break in Tijuana. The fetus shoots out of the uterus at a velocity of 88 mph. Unsurprisingly the spell has been abused in recent years on unsuspecting muggles as a new sport. However, new laws are in place to regulate it to special arenas.
If all else fails, try belly-flopping into an empty swimming pool.
[edit] Partial Birth Abortion
Partial Birth Abortion occurs when the child is neither allowed to live nor is actually killed.
Men can also have a partial birth abortion
The first partial birth abortion was performed in 1989 by Dr. Kevorkian. The child lived till it was 13 years old forcing his mother to carry around his dead corpse until she died five years later from getting the childs head caught in a sliding electric door at the grocery store, severing the child's head and sending the mother into an epileptic shock. Many believe that partial birth abortions are an abomination seeing as how it forces the poor child to be permanently attached to its mother and in some extreme cases the father. This means being forced to do everything with your mother...
Partial Birth Abortions were banned in 1999 due to problems with Social Security
[edit] Post Birth Abortion
Recently, a new type of abortion has found its way onto the market: Post-Birth Abortion. Post-Birth Abortion (PBA), is an economic alternative to the traditional abortion. While traditional abortions make use of complicated procedures, PBA is rather simple: use a surgical saw, and brutally kill the post-embryo living tissue which now resides outside the womb. This is usually achieved by sending the post-birth embryo (an actual baby in this case) to live in Africa. This wombless post-embryo living tissue could reside anywhere from the mountains of Tibet to the Oval Office and could weight anywhere from 8 oz. to over 80,000 tons. The merciless abortion doctors, which are sometimes not doctors at all, carry out this brutal act of killing a few thousand living cells without a shred of remorse. Self-operated PBA are less common, but done with remorse. When St. Paul was alive he told his followers, on prime time Christian TV, that "men who let cells die will be killed and there wives catapulted from the towers." Since several hundred thousand skin cells die on a daily basis people became a little worried. Paul went back on the network the following day to clarify that he really meant was "men who let cells die without George W. Bush's approval can look forward to the same treat". lol... dead embryos.
There is great debate over the name for this type of abortion, as well as the procedure itself. Those who support using the term say it describes a specific type of abortion in a phrasing that better represents what happens during the procedure. Those who oppose using the term say that the term is a deceptive political term invented to frame the argument in a way favorable to those in opposition to the procedure. Opponents of the "post-birth abortion" term prefer to use terms such as "rubbing out", "taking care of business", and "did you double check the explosives?" to describe the procedure.
Post-Birth Abortion according to congress should be done to every Mother F***er who is too stupid to live. Needless to say the Great God Adolf Hitler committed genocide then suicide, since he determined his intelligence was only 189 and 190 is a requirement to live.
Michael Jackson supports PBAs only between ages 0-2 and 13-100. After if you are not between those years Michael would like you to report to Nederland for a debriefing (and make sure you ask for some grape juice) (Note: don't pay attention to where his gloved hand is, it is invisible and that feeling in your crotch is just you getting excited at seeing a sexy alien (aka Michael Jackson)).
[edit] What Counts as a Fetus?
Recent research into abortion has announced that a fetus is anything that is annoying and poops alot. Therefore, any "thing" younger than 11 years of age is a fetus and can be aborted, however results will involve:(male) your dead kid will gang rape with a tentacle monster and a ghost chicken(2) Godzilla's wosrt enemy, Gayzilla will sing YMCA to your dad. and finally (3)The super devil will ass fuck The angry viedo game nerd and make you suck his burnt,boiled dick. (Female)Your aborted Kid will rape your husband and/or your god (2) It will replace your cunt with a 5000000,00000000,0000000 cocks,(3) it will make ya a bat-fuck insane crip-blood-mafia-yakuza bitch of the king baa, leader of the ghost chickens and owner of PETA(people ethcical torture to animal fuckers).
[edit] History
Abortions were invented by the ancient Mayans who created a group called N.A.S.C.A (National Association of Street Corner Abortions). This freelance volunteer group has been performing street corner abortions for meth addict latinas since 2A.D. N.A.S.C.A is currently located in Patch Adams basement and every street corner in Harlem, NY
[edit] Different people's views
[edit] Gays on Abortion
Currently, those of a homosexual orientation do not support abortion. This stems from the larger issue that heterosexuals can biologically conceive when they cannot. They feel that granting this law discriminates against their sexual orientation. This long-standing belief prompted the formation of the radical organization All Fags for equaL Abortion Kontraband (AFLAK).
Recently, more open-minded activists have entered negotiations with the government for no cost insemination/abortion procedures, as well as surrogate abortions.
[edit] Liberals on abortion
Liberals favor the killing of Christian embryos. Conservatives on the other hand only favor the killing of Muslim and Atheist babies. Conservatives and Liberals alike favor the killing of Irish Children, but this has always been seen as beneficial.
Most Demoncrats believe in mandatory forced abortions for all, especially the Irish! Why? Because despoiling and denuding life when you fail at it makes perfect sense (Think of the second invasion of Iraq and trying to compensate for past national sex-curiosity problems that you caused). This is why fur and meat are legal as well.(poor mink and moo-cows). Once again the Liberal blame-shifting and the socialistic decadence that it is saves the day.
[edit] Catholics on abortion
All Catholics are required to be against abortions so they can call themselves "pro-life". This is to hide their somewhat anti-life pasts in medieval Europe. The current Pope is the most pro-embryo Catholic of all.[1]
Catholics are required to be anti-abortion because abortion is not mentioned in the Old Testament of the Bible. It was mentioned once in John where one of Jesus' followers asked him about it and he said: "meh" (John 4.7.) but debate on his response ended in the church with the council of Trent in 1545 saying that "meh" was "Jesuscode" for "No, I do not think abortion is O.K. and everyone in my religion has to think that or you are not allowed to be in my religion even if you still practice it."
Many Catholics are anti-abortion because of the practice of "throwing the baby out with the bath water." It is widely accepted as "OK" to throw an baby out with the bath water, which is why many Catholics consider performing a abortion as impractical.
[edit] Wtf?
.....and for some odd reason, security issues and taxes have some odd thing that determine one's view's on abortion to an about 70% correlation. I am guessing that conservatives just believe in certain things because liberals don't....or vice-versa because you would think that liberals would be pro-life because they are all bleeding hearts and like to complain about everything. Also, you would think that conservatives would be pro-choice because they believe we should have a "choice" in schools, guns, the environment, social security, civil justice, health care and taxes...but not when it comes to how photogenic you are, sexuality in general, specific sexual activity, pot, gambling, stem cells, booze, evolution (unless its being criticized as a way to put up a front for creationism), religion, being black,being brown federalism and having a good time in general, unless it involves guns. However, pro-choice conservatives DO exist and are called Alan Simpson. Pro-life liberals, on the other hand, are just called Bob Casey.
[edit] Prime minister of Turkmenistan on Abortion
The prime minister of Turkmenistan, beeing an abortee himself, has repeatedly voiced his support for the method. He appears in most of the Anti-abortion commutes just to eat the left over fetuses. His slogan is "Eat A Gay Fetus For Jesus".
[edit] Benefits of abortion
- Great conversation piece
- Able to work for at least another nine months consequently, earning a heap of money
- Somehow prevents being stuck at home bored, and allows you to have a good time
- Boosts alcohol sales
- Saves money over the next 18 years (37 years if you are French)
- Frees up spare time for next 18 years (37 years if you are French)
- Helps cure cancer
- Think of the children! Dead embryos can be used in Stem Cell Research
- "The Healthy Way to Lose Weight"
- Gives you a nice bounce in your walk
- Helps feed the needy in soup kitchens
- Lose a few pounds, without the carb diet!
- Annoys the Federalist Society and all Mormons except for Harry Reid and even he gets a little grumpy from time to time about it.
- Aborted embryos make the perfect secret ingredient in spinach dip
- It's just such a cool technology to stop a baby from being born! Imagine, if you can, being able to start the formation of the baby, and then being able to stop the embryo from becoming an infant! That's just too cool!!!
- Increases penis size
- It feeds thousands of Koreans
- Plus, it makes many Christians happy, especially Jesus.
- Makes a very cool ornament
- Gives you an excuse for being so clumsy that you fell down the stairs.
[edit] Abortion in Comedy
Abortion has been a hot comedic topic for approximately 70 years. Shows and comedians which revolved around the topic include:
- Jimmy "Corkscrew" Jameson - Whip It Out! (1935) - A cabaret featuring jokes from the host himself, as well as songs such as "It Ain't Alive Yet Honey" and "Wine Us, Dine Us, Fet-us, Find-Us". The final number, according to a recently discovered pamphlet from the show, involved a troupe of seven-foot fetuses who are chased offstage by men dresses up as large scalpels. Jameson is then said to have jumped from behind the curtain, and told the delighted audience to go home and "try it with a bar of soap and a kitchen knife". The show is said to have been popular with "young and old alike".
- Charlie Chaplin - "The Ethical Trouble of Unspecified Hitler-esque Tramp" (1938) - A late great from Chaplin, featuring the silent-movie star as a tramp who accidentally kills a woman's unborn baby during a bungled mugging by punching the hapless dame in the lower abdomen, though feels no shame, much to the disgust of the local townspeople. Contains slapstick humour, scenes of intense and bloody gore, and a cameo from Mickey Mouse.
- Godzilla v The Raging Placenta (1959) - Though not a comedy film, a brief and humorous sequence is featured approximately 4 hours and 15 minutes into the film. During the epic battle of the two eponymous characters, a mangled and obviously premature ejected fetus is seen in a Tokyo bar nearby, and utters the phrase "I used to be really attached to that guy!" to a fellow drinker.
[edit] Reverse Abortion
Reverse abortion is another medical process, and is the exact opposite of the normal abortion process. Reverse abortion is the medical process in which a child has one, or at times both, of his or her parents killed by a trained professional, because parents are annoying, can be financial burdens, and are generally restricting in the lives of children. Reversed abortion has been rapidly growing in popularity as a medical alternative for children who don't want parents.
[edit] The Current Argument for Anti-Abortion
Post Birth Abortion(PBA) may be the democratic solution to abortion, but Republican legislators have currently proposed a new bill concerning a different answer to abortion. This new bill consists of three four main parts:
- Abortion is now illegal.
- Adoption is now illegal.
- Slavery is now legal.
- But only if the slave was purchased at birth.
- If a woman has an abortion she'll start going out in public again sooner
This allows parents who originally wanted abortion to sell their unwanted children into slavery. Many people feel this is a more appropriate law than letting Roe v. Wade allow any more abortions to continue. It is widely agreed that slaves would rather be slaves than dead. Or Christian and slaves than free and not Christian. After all, slaves weren't committing mass suicides to end the abuse of slavery. This is scientific proof that slaves preferred their life as a workhorse to that of a dead fetus. Slaves had a choice: Death or Slavery. By not killing themselves, they chose slavery. Fetuses however, have only one choice if they are to be aborted. That choice is death. A growing number of Democrats are slowly agreeing that giving aborted babies some sort of choice is better than making the choice for them. Giving to-be aborted babies a choice of slavery would make "so much sense", said the man who used to be the future president of the United States, Al Gore. The bill will be voted to pass December 3rd, 2009.
[edit] Accurate Portrayal of an abortion
[edit] See Also
- JC-bashers
- Spermicide
- Republicans
- democrats
- Slavery
- American Fundie Magazine
- Dead Baby Jokes
- Antbortion
