Abraham Lincoln
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“A We BALLIN!!!!1!!111!1!!!”
~ Abe Lincoln on Defeating The Confederats in the Civil war
“A little drama never killed anyone.”
~ Abraham Lincoln on going to see a play
“This page is gay. You know, like me.”
~ Abraham Lincoln on his Uncyclopedia page
“I freed what???”
~ Abraham Lincoln on freeing Black slaves
“Robby-bear will certainly not be getting an invite to my lazer tag party.”
~ Abraham Lincoln on after hearing that Robert E. Lee was not going to fight for the Union
“Have a nice day”
~ Abraham Lincoln
| ||
| Term of office: | ((3022)+(18031)) – 1865 | |
| Preceded by: | Popeye | |
| Succeeded by: | Lee Harvey Oswald | |
| Date of birth: | February 12, 1809 | |
| Place of birth: | His mother the She-bear | |
| Date of death: | April 22, 18.65 | |
| Place of death: | Laying down, no doubt engaged in a furious game of Super Smash Bros. 1865 Edition[1] | |
| First Lady: | His son's uncle's sister-in-law | |
| Political party: | False Moustache | |
Abraham Jefferson Lincoln, a.k.a. The Sexiest Kiwi Ever, a.k.a. "Gay-for-ham Lickin'", born at the Lincoln Memorial Hospital (1809-2008) to a Black-Jewish-Italian-Native American man, and an eight foot tall she-bear, was an outspoken slavery advocate, world renowned plumber, masseusse, triangle player[2], racist stand-up comedian, pimp, and woodcutter, working day and night to chop the magic cedars of Elzoth on the moon to prepare the world for the thirtieth coming of Jebus by building a giant wooden platypus that could fly and shoot banana pancakes from its eyes. He became President of the United States after a voting mishap. In the early years of his career, he was famous for his offensive jokes about Blacks that he put in his speeches promoting slavery. Often considered the Michael Richards of the 1800s, Lincoln's acts typically included jokes about slavery, Africa, your mom, and Kentuckistan Fried Chicken. However, as racism slowly started to become unacceptable in society, he moved on to insulting women in his act. Historians such as Sain of Lycia said this was a smart move on Lincoln's part because "making fun of women will never age". Eventually, Lincoln become president through a bizarre, freakish voting discrepancy involving Oprah[3], a Slaxe, and rabid squirrels. During the beginning of the American Civil War, Lincoln was granted Emergency Powers by the first mentally disabled member of the Senate in order to quickly quell the rebellion. Near the end of the war, the Senate had nearly no power, and many people began to worry about the US becoming an Empire. Lincoln tore up a petition called the Petiton of Senators Against Emergency Powers Used to Gain More Power. This prompted John Wilkes Boothy, a senator, to assassinate Lincoln at Fords Theater, ending his reign as dictatorial leader. Abe Lincoln was also a reknowed samurai and zombie slayer. This is probably due to his position as 86 in the battle of 13
Being one of America's most good-looking Presidents[4], Lincoln is therefore accepted as one of America's greatest Presidents. A great strategist, Lincoln reportedly[5] made sure that tall lecterns were installed on the stage wherever he debated an opponent, thereby ensuring that the audience couldn't actually see his opponent (let alone hear him).
A Republican, he is a hero of the current-day Whigs, although some, such as George W. Bush's political adviser Karl Rove, believe that the whole "Abolish Slavery" thing was way too liberal.
Lincoln is also the first US president to become an automobile[6], a feat which was not repeated at least until the Gerald Ford era. Lincoln is also credited with the creation of the top hat and beef jerky.
Lincoln was killed, tenderized, and marinated by freelance murderer/rapist duo barney ronald mcdonald after being hammered in the ass to death, then microwaved at 50% power for 5 minutes and then heated at 350 degrees for 30 minutes by Lee Harvey Oswald[7]. Unfortunately, Oswald failed to remove Lincoln's plastic wrapper and the President was rendered inedible. He stank up the theatre with a smell of burnt grains and plastic. Oswald was later assassinated[8] by Kirby in Council Bluffs, Iowa. Some believe that Nicholas Cage was involved in the assassination, probably selling Lee Harvey Oswald the AK-47 and microwave.
Although he freed the slaves during a particularly long acid trip, Lincoln hated ninjas with a passion. The one exception was his close personal friend Frederick Douglas[9].
Lincoln played an important role in both the Obnoxious war and The Civolutionary War.
Before he became President, he and his posse committed various violent acts. However, he eventually succumbed to fear and took a safer job becoming President[10].
[edit] The Abe Lincoln Abortions
In late 1942 Abraham Jebadiah Lincoln was arrested in southern Arizona for failing to signal while making a left turn at a golf course. While police issued Abraham a ticket, they couldn't help but notice a large German woman in his back seat. I mean, she was HUGE! They later connected Olga Von Ludgwart and Abraham to some 30 counts of theologically sound abortion. The fashion used involved a coat hanger, a dark alley, and The Collected Poems of Samuel L. Jackson. Immediately afterward, Abe followed his actions up with heartfelt prayers of repentance and rested on the seventh day. While this might seem commonplace to us today, it is thought that the procedure might be a somewhat controversial thing at the time. The funny thing about these abortions is that they were all performed in the same fashion Abraham's pa tried to employ on Abraham before he was sentenced to life on parole for creating the popular toys beanie babies. But this side story about beanie babies is often overlooked because of photographic proof that we possess today that proves without question that Abe Lincoln was totally, unequivocally, and very gay for George Washington.
[edit] Abraham Lincoln, Cage Fighter
- Abraham "Eazy-Abe" Lincoln was the first president to challenge Samuel L. Jackson to a fight and survive.
- Eazy-Abe was the first president to master the 180 kick flip with a lemon twist on the inverted half pipe[11].
- Eazy-Abe's diction was so powerful that he could beat Dr. Dre in a freestyle rap face-off without swear words. He tore down Will Smith, too, by rhyming "nigga" with "my weenie's still bigga".
- His Presidential Highness nearly won a bout for Tag-Team Champion of the World along with L. Ron Hubbard against defending champions Black Jesus and His Holiness, the Dalai Lama.
- Abraham Lincoln holds the Guinness World Record for the highest amount of ninjas killed during one Presidency[12].
- Lincoln invented slavery so that he could have more free time to spend working on his myspace page.
- Lincoln also freed African-Americans and ended slavery, but who cares?
- Lincoln's finishing move, the Lincoln Lock, was banned by the United Nations because of its disturbingly high mortality rate.
[edit] Abraham Lincoln, Physicist
After taking intensive remedial lightsaber training on the fith moon of Mexico, Abe began studying human biology. It is a well known fact that Lincoln was a world renowned physicist[13].
His most notable[14] contribution to the world of physics was his discovery of 37 parallel universes. Most people (especially Christians and Scientologists) found this discovery hard to believe, so the mere sight of 38 Lincolns walking to the podium to accept the Nobel Prize Award for Literature caused a collective OMGWTFLOLBBQ to rise from the world's population.
After the pandemonium of the OMGWTFLOLBBQ disappeared completely, the 38 Lincolns went to a Singles Bar to celebrate their accomplishments. The party got a little out of hand, and the authorities were called when 18 Lincolns got into a fight with 6 Charlie Chaplins, 5 King Arthurs, 4 Steve Ballmers, 3 Uno cards (Numbers 3, 4 and a Reverse Turn Order), Aunt Jemima, and a Partridge in a Pear Tree. The security footage of the incident was stolen by Canadia, who turned it into a music video which got heavy rotation on MTV, VH1, CNN, G4TV, and HGTV.
He also invented Jesus after a fight with Gandhi the vampire slayer. Gandhi thought that he could kill anyone so Abraham Lincoln went into the past and knitted Jesus out old innertubes and ball bags. He then filled him with holy juice and set him on fire and the son of god was born. Gandhi and Jesus then had a fight to the death and Jesus used his superpowers to blind Gandhi and send him into the future.
[edit] Abraham Lincoln, Jedi
Lincolns most well unkept secret was that he was once, in a galaxy far far away, a jedi master during the Jedi Civil War. He later fell to the dark side and trained Palpatine, who molested Vader, who molested Abe, and who secretly train that one dude in the game Star Wars: The Force Unleashed. Anyways, after a long hearing, Palpatine sentenced Darth Jebadiah to the brinks of the moon. Darth Jebadiah swore he would return and did in the 1800s. Upon finding that Palpatine turned his empire into a republic, again, he decided it would do. This lead to the presidency of Darth Abe Jebadiah Lincoln.
[edit] Rock and Roll Years
One little known fact about Abraham Lincoln is that he auditioned for and was named the lead singer of Van Halen shortly after the band realized that it had been touring with Gary Cherone of Extreme. In attempt to save face for such a debacle the band sought out a big name for their next lead singer, and Honest Abe fit the bill to a 'T'. One night after a long day of recording, raging from the effects of LSD and mescaline, Abe was found in the bathroom snorting coke out of a dead hooker's ass crack. He had later claimd that it was an "Abe Impersonator", or his evil twin brother, Jimmy Buffet. These allegations were false, and "Honest" Abe had been found guilty for possesion of a controlled substance, and homicide. He served about a month in prison before escaping. Honest Abe returned to the studio where he had earlier laid down three new tracks and cut down a cherry tree behind the studio. Lincoln claimed that his bandmates were stifling his creative geniusness and vowed to never step into a recording studio with them again. Van Halen released Lincoln from his contract and decided to rehire Sammy Hager and David Lee Roth, who would swap the role of lead singer every two months. Lincoln went on to critical acclaim with his acid-laced ode to Syd Barrett, "Dolly Rocker Deuce".
[edit] The Hat of Lincoln
Lincoln's trademark Stovetop Hat was invented by Batman as a precursor to the Utility Belt. Unfortunately, it failed at this purpose because the Bat-Grenades exploded every time the hat was moved. Fortunately, Batman tested it on Tasha Yar, the eighth Robin, and her noble sacrifice for science was a major contribution to New York.
sdfhfjtjyfghkkjk
Lincoln's stovepipe hat was deadly when used as a projectile because of its high ownage-to-mass ratio. The planned Fuzorz Lincoln, which would be a bizarre combination of Lincoln and part Ulysses S. Grant, was never released because the two Presidents couldn't agree on whether a cavalry sabre or the stovetop hat was a cooler weapon[15].
A rumor tells that NASA created the hat as a inconspicuous form of a walkie-talkie, then went into the past and gave it to Abe as a peace offering. (Abe once tricked several NASA employees into mocking Mr. T, which resulted in him pitying the poor fools to death.)
Many years after Lincoln died, Jason Alexander (along with the help of Reed Richards) performed scientific experiments with his hat so that, when placed on Lincoln's head, he would be reanimated a la Frosty[16]
Abe Lincoln was originally a ravenous baboon, but was inspired to become non-homosexual while walking through the woods one day by the pillsbury dough boy, the hairy renegade. After all of this, Abe was quickly changed into a bearded freak. He jumped up and snatched the magical top hat from the wizard's lumpy, misshapen face and scrambled away.
He decided to use the magical top hat in a cage match. The famous cage was known as 'Mr. T vs. The Lanky Walrus'. What Honest Abe didn't know was that Mr. T had put in his platinum-plated grillz, and swiftly bit off the Bearded Monster's third nipple. fhjkhfjhhjk
[edit] The Zombie Fighting Years
- see also: Zombie Abe Lincoln
Everyone knows that Abe Lincoln was a zombie slayer. One day he was in an apple orchard and was attacked by a pack of rabid democrats. This is not relevant to zombie slaying. What is, however, is that his arm was hacked off in a cherry tree chopping incident (alledly the perpetrator was George Washington). The arm was replaced by a chainsaw and while in a coma Christopher Walken entrusted Abe with a quest to annihalate zombies. Abe then lived his life slaying zombies and tracking down Evil Abe. You found a secret! (N1ck made this.)
[edit] Failure to prevent 9/11
[edit] Unhealthy obssessions
Abraham Lincoln has a very unhealthy obbssession with paper, cows, shiny things, his hat, the smell of his hands, and oatmeal. He would sometimes talk to his shoes and look at ceilings for numreous hours.
[edit] Trivia
And Of course all of the statements below are to trick you into thinking Lincoln was President, when in fact he was a professional seal clubber in what is now known as Jesusland. A little known fact: Abe Lincoln could actually fly and was one of Superman's closer friends. He was briefly a member of the Justice League and dated Wonderwoman for about two weeks.
Another little known fact: Before the creation of the earth, Abe Lincoln starred in various fighting games, such as Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat. When the funding for the games production was cut by the video game-hating, mountan man Hitlary Clinton, Abe was forced to sell his body on ebay. After several bad deals from Sasquach, Lincoln gave up prostition and became a model for the popular magazine, "Busty Bearded Ladys". Lincoln was forced to stuff his bra with tarapins to make the cut. He was dissapointed to find that the magazine would only hire him if he was willing to give up his trusty left hand, Steve (Who later became world renouwned funny man Steve Martin after a run in with the Drunken Irish Boxer, Fisty McBeefpunch, but that is another story). Abe's days were grim. Until one day during a photo shoot, he heard the farmilliar sounds battle. Abe flew to the mars and found the sock-monkey, Chuck Norris(later polymorphed by Voldemort into his pitiful "human" form) batteling Godzilla. Although the worlds creation is often credited to God(which makes sense because the man recording this chain of events did not finish his sentence, "The world was created by God..zilla getting kicked in his fearkin' head by Chuck Norris), it is acctually Chuck Norris who shold receive credit after he delivered a bitchin' assed roundhouse kick to Godzilla's head. Abe arrived just in time to aid Chuck Norris by devaouring Godzilla's body with George Washington's nasty ass dentures.
Abe Lincoln is also credited with the invention of the "good ol' honest abe." This is when a man "busts a nut' on a womans face to resemble the beard of Abraham Lincoln. First used on sasquach before prostitition was banned on ebay. Unfortunatley this manuaver was unseccesful as Sasquach is covered in hair anyways.
Lincoln's date of "death" exactly coincides with the birthday of Lenin, five years later. Coincidence... or conspiracy?
[edit] Return
He wrestled a dark match against dave taylor at a smackdown house show and picked up the win. He formed a tag team with chris beniot who recently returned from the grave and they defatted john cena and are the co-holdes of the wwe title.link title He then defended the nWo in a steel cage match for the wwe title and plans to deafened it against arn anderson. sadly chris beniot killed himself again and is dead. Lincoln now holds the title by himself. abe dropped the title after he was caught jacking off in the middle of the ring at wrestlemainia. he lost the title to Hitler who made a special appearance.
On an erelevant note he had a wooden leg that he filled with pot that he secretly got from the mexicans in return for crossing the border
it is said that he hid the pot in the leg of his memorial
[edit] References
Abe was an jackass
- ↑ Since electricity had not yet been discovered in 1865, the actual game was played with strings and marionettes. This eventually got very confusing.
- ↑ He played in Sergeant Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band until he died.
- ↑ Who, coincidentally, was alive in the 1800s
- ↑ Some girl in US History said that, don't ask me.
- ↑ This, again, came from some girl in US History. I wouldn't trust it.
- ↑ In case you were going to dispute that, Optimus Prime became President after Lincoln. So there, you self-righteous ass.
- ↑ I got this from my History textbook. Apparently, historians smoke a lot of crack.
- ↑ Yes, assassinated. Don't try to correct me, smartass.
- ↑ Source: Did you honestly expect a source? Jesus Christ, this is Uncyclopedia!
- ↑ YEAH, RIGHT!!!
- ↑ I have no fucking clue, either
- ↑ Source: Public, John Q. et al. Random, made-up book title. Fabricated Press, 1985.
- ↑ By "well known fact", we mean "incredibly obscure and possibly fabricated statement".
- ↑ Again, by "notable" we mean "about as notable as Flameviper's left pinkie toe".
- ↑ Unless you count the stovepipe sabre.
- ↑ This may be scientific evidence, or they might just have been smoking a lot of weed.
- ↑ Source: Random Lunatic. Bwaargh Hibidiaff. Vocal Cords Publications, Random Street Corner, NY. 2006.
He ate sheman crap.
[edit] See also
- The American Civil War 1861-1865
- Randy Orton
- Aberham Linkin
- Charles Sumner
- Abraham Lincoln's fair-weather waffle frolic
