Actuary
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
| DANGER!! Viewing or reading this page can be deadly ... or worse. 86,819 users are currently castrated, paralyzed, infected with Herpes, and/or disfigured for daring to see this page. If you just got here and are feeling dizzy due to losing a pint of blood from the stump where your arm used to be, please stumble away and call for help, then lay down in the gutter and pass out. |
“There all losers, calculator abusers, they analyze every second they exist, beating down insurance premiums with their fists”
~ Fred Durst on Actuaries
“I'm an Actuary, I make loads of money, don't laugh at my jokes because they re not funny, my rhymes are like brownian motion, smooth like lotion, just watch as I calculate another survival potion, so potent your qx is equal to 1 minus the number of times you ve had sex. Its deadly like aids or sars, worse than those nuts my bro reuben fears in bars. fuck polly, fuck schmidt, i aint afraid of no bowling team called the debitz, i just settled all my law suits, fuck you ugly betty. ”
~ Wanna be Actuary on What I wanna do
“Fuck Actuaries”
~ Accountants United on Actuaries
[edit] What Is an Actuary?
Actuaries are believed to be the intellectual elite of the business world, (Just ask one they will confirm this) using their brilliance in mathematics, statistics, economics, finance and problem solving abilities they tackle different problems and give simple solutions. Actuary profession has been rated as the best job the last 5 years according to Actuarial Weekly, all those surveyed were Actuaries, coming in last was Accountant.
[edit] TV SHOWS/MOVIES where the word actuary has been mentioned and you have thought what the fuck is that?
- Ugly Betty "We have a bowling team called the debitz, with a z, the z scares the Actuaries"
- About Schmidt "He was an actuary before he retired"
- Along Came Polly "Reuben Feffer (Ben Stiller) is an Actuary"
- Stranger than fiction "I had a girlfriend, she left me for an actuary"
[edit] What does an Actuary actually do?
They Actuarialate. The word actuary is difficult for most to say making actuaries seem smart for even having the mental ability to pronounce such a tongue twister. Thats why actuaries say they studied actuarial science, an even harder word to say making them sound like geniuses for doing such a crazy degree.
Thats why if you were to ask an actuary what they do they would reply: "actuarialting which is simply a series of actuarialations that prove the null hypothesis is abstractly absurd to the alternative, alternatively altering estimations of the estimate to best fit the null, not in any accordance with null spaces unless we are dealing with actual actuarial vector spaces in which the basis of being an actuary fits in with the axioms of the subspace, I know, I know it sounds difficult but its not for me, I am actually an actuary."
[edit] What does Actuarialating consist of and is it even a word?
- Yes its a word look it up in any actuarial dictionary, you will find it right after Actuarial
- Lots and lots and lots and lots of Maths. eg. Projecting their Vectors into Subspaces
- Advise on investments. eg. Ask an actuary which stock will go up, then if it does you make money, if it does not sue him/her for giving you the wrong advice, win win for you, and don't feel bad actuaries are loaded (Just ask one they will confirm this).
- Sign important pieces of paper. eg. Whether or not an Insurance company has enough money to pay out all its claims, and Actuaries never make mistakes because they are all so so so
smatsmart. cough HIH collapsed due to wrongful estimation by their actuaries cough
lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq
sǝɔɐld ʇɥƃıɹ ǝɥʇ llɐ uı sǝʌɹnɔ puɐ punoɹ ǝɹɐ slɹıƃ ǝɥʇ ǝɹǝɥʍ ǝloɥ ǝɥʇ ƃuıɹǝʇɐʍ ɐ sǝɔɐɹq ʎɯ uı sɐʍ ı ǝɔuıs ǝzısɐʇuɐɟ oʇ pǝǝu ou
ʎqɐq noʎ ƃuıllɐɔ ǝq ll,ʎǝɥʇ puɐ punoɹɐ uo ǝɯoɔ ʎoq ƃıq ʎpɐl ƃıq ɐ ɟlǝsɹnoʎ puıɟ ǝƃunol ʎlɟɹǝʇʇnq ǝɥʇ oʇ ɟlǝsɹnoʎ ʇǝƃ
lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ ɥo lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq
sǝɔɐld ʇɥƃıɹ ǝɥʇ llɐ uı sǝʌɹnɔ puɐ punoɹ ǝɹɐ slɹıƃ ǝɥʇ ǝɹǝɥʍ ǝloɥ ƃuıɹǝʇɐʍ ɐ sǝɔɐɹq ʎɯ uı sɐʍ ı ǝɔuıs ǝzısɐʇuɐɟ oʇ pǝǝu ou
ʎqɐq noʎ ƃuıllɐɔ ǝq ll,ʎǝɥʇ puɐ punoɹɐ uo ǝɯoɔ ʎoq ƃıq ʎpɐl ƃıq ɐ ɟlǝsɹnoʎ puıɟ ǝƃunol ʎlɟɹǝʇʇnq ǝɥʇ oʇ ɟlǝsɹnoʎ ʇǝƃ
lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq
sǝɔɐld ʇɥƃıɹ ǝɥʇ llɐ uı sǝʌɹnɔ puɐ punoɹ ǝɹɐ slɹıƃ ǝɥʇ ǝɹǝɥʍ ǝloɥ ƃuıɹǝʇɐʍ ɐ sǝɔɐɹq ʎɯ uı sɐʍ ı ǝɔuıs ǝzısɐʇuɐɟ oʇ pǝǝu ou
ʎqɐq noʎ ƃuıllɐɔ ǝq ll,ʎǝɥʇ puɐ punoɹɐ uo ǝɯoɔ ʎoq ƃıq ʎpɐl ƃıq ɐ ɟlǝsɹnoʎ puıɟ ǝƃunol ʎlɟɹǝʇʇnq ǝɥʇ oʇ ɟlǝsɹnoʎ ʇǝƃ
ǝɹoɯ ʇol ǝloɥʍ ɐ spǝǝu uɐɯoʍ ɟo ʇol ǝloɥʍ ɐ ʍou ɹnoɟ ʎq ɹǝɥ ʎldıʇlnɯ puɐ [ ʞɐ/ƃɹo˙sɔıɹʎl3dɯ˙ʍʍʍ ʇɐ sɔıɹʎl ǝɹoɯ puıɟ ] lɹıƃ ɹnoʎ ǝʞɐʇ noʎ
,lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq 'uıɯɐǝɹɔs sǝǝuʞ ʎɯ uo ɯ,ı ǝʞoɔ ʇǝıp ǝsɐǝld ɐzzıd ɐ puɐ ǝʞoɔ ʇǝıp
,lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ʎǝɥ, 'pıɐs ı uoollɐq ƃıq ɐ ǝʞıl slǝǝɟ ɯooɹ ǝɥʇ oʇ uı sʞlɐʍ
lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq
sǝɔɐld ʇɥƃıɹ ǝɥʇ llɐ uı sǝʌɹnɔ puɐ punoɹ ǝɹɐ slɹıƃ ǝɥʇ ǝɹǝɥʍ ǝloɥ ƃuıɹǝʇɐʍ ɐ sǝɔɐɹq ʎɯ uı sɐʍ ı ǝɔuıs ǝzısɐʇuɐɟ oʇ pǝǝu ou
ʎqɐq noʎ ƃuıllɐɔ ǝq ll,ʎǝɥʇ puɐ punoɹɐ uo ǝɯoɔ ʎoq ƃıq ʎpɐl ƃıq ɐ ɟlǝsɹnoʎ puıɟ ǝƃunol ʎlɟɹǝʇʇnq ǝɥʇ oʇ ɟlǝsɹnoʎ ʇǝƃ
ǝɹoɯ ʇol ǝloɥʍ ɐ spǝǝu uɐɯoʍ ɟo ʇol ǝloɥʍ ɐ ʍou ɹnoɟ ʎq ɹǝɥ ʎldıʇlnɯ puɐ lɹıƃ ɹnoʎ ǝʞɐʇ noʎ
ʎɥʍ s,ǝɹǝɥ uɐɯ lɐǝɹ ɐ spǝǝu uɐɯoʍ lɐǝɹ ɐ ǝsnɐɔ, ǝıp ɐuuoƃ ɯ,ı ǝʞıl lǝǝɟ lɹıƃ ʎuuıʞs ɹnoʎ ǝʞɐʇ noʎ
,lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ƃıq 'uıɯɐǝɹɔs sǝǝuʞ ʎɯ uo ɯ,ı ǝʞoɔ ʇǝıp ǝsɐǝld ɐzzıd ɐ puɐ ǝʞoɔ ʇǝıp
,lnɟıʇnɐǝq ǝɹɐ noʎ slɹıƃ ʎǝɥ 'pıɐs ı uoollɐq ƃıq ɐ ǝʞıl slǝǝɟ ɯooɹ ǝɥʇ oʇuı sʞlɐʍ
[edit] How to become an Actuary?
Becoming an Actuary is a long and grueling process where only 8% of those who start go on to complete and be certified. This is because the Institute of Actuaries who determine what it takes to become an Actuary have worked out with their economical brilliance that price is where supply meets demand. So if they cut the supply of Actuaries right down to pi per year they can earn lots of mula.
Steps you must complete to become an Actuary:
- Count to infinity not once, not twice but thrice.
- Learn the last digit of pi.
- Integrate
where u=
. (hint: convert to polar coordinates)
Become oldBe Old (
).
- Calculate the difference between 0.99999 reoccurring and 1 as a fraction with real numbers
- Have Grey Hair.
- Become Senile.
- Divide by 0
[edit] How much do actuaries earn?
Nobody really knows the answer to this question except for actuaries themselves as they know everything (Just ask one they will confirm this). Some people speculate upwards of $200 000 per annum but because of the long rivalry between actuaries and accountants, actuaries refuse to lodge tax returns in case accountants learn of their true remuneration and attempt to become an actuary throwing out Actuaries balance of supply and demand.
[edit] Actuaries use math to predict the future; does that mean they are psychic?
No.
[edit] Actuary>Accountantx3
Actuaries are smarter than accountants, its a simple fact (Just ask any Actuary). Hundreds of thousands of new accountants go into the work place every year looking for jobs, this creates a huge supply for a much slower growing demand forcing Accountants wages down into the dirt where they belong. Actuaries make it so hard to become an Actuary that the demand for Actuaries overwhelmingly succeeds the supply pushing up their wages into the heavens where they belong. A newly qualified accountant earns less than $30 000 per year where a newly qualified Actuary earns over $100 000 a year hence why actuaries are at least 3 times better than accountants.
[edit] What Actuaries actually believe in
(Just ask one they will concur on this).
[edit] Common Facts about Actuaries.
- They love to categorize things (for proof see below)
- They are old
- They
thinkknow they are better than accountants - They work for big evil corporations
- They enjoy theme parks and rollercoasters
- They love the number 5318008 and tend to be ugly
- They use magic
[edit] For more information see:
Tyler Durden
Please feel free to add more categories.
Categories: Dangerous | Dangerous pages | Actuaries who aren't boring assholes | Assholes | Occupations | Economics | Business | Things controlled by Jews | Mathematics | People who are God | People | Capitalism | Communism | Depressions | Economy | Economy of Niger | Expensive | Freebies | Tourism | Attention Whores | Beauty pageant contestants | Detectives | Doctors | Freelance conquistadors | Liars | Minions of Chuck Norris | Working for 'The Man' | Asians | Austrians | Awesome People | Bald people | Better than you | Bloodhound Gang Fans | Clever People | Clones | Composers | Conspirators | Drunks Who Are Not Alcoholics | Fat people | Fools Pitied by Mr. T | Goa'ulded People | Good-for-nuttin' scum | Historical figures | Infidels | Japanese | Jewish | Lovers of mama's world famous corn muffins | Maddox fans | My kinda people | Nasty Right Wing Bitches | Nerd | Nosy know-it-alls | Not So Hot Babes You Do Have A Chance With | Old Farts | Old people | People Who Need People | People With Huge Dicks | People With Small Dicks | People shorter than Napoleon Bonaparte | People taller than Napoleon Bonaparte | People who could benefit from getting laid more often | People you should never leave your girlfriend alone with | Bars | Commerce | Companies | Corporations | Industrialists | Death | Survival | Once you've seen it, you can't unsee it | Government | Things that likely to be attacked by Roflcopters | Stuff that lonely men masturbate over | Stuff that lonely women masturbate over | Intelligence | Luck | Mistakes | Pollution | Things George Bush doesn't care about | Things That Are Not Hot | Things that are too cool for school, but are, paradoxically, a part of a school | Things that haven't happened yet | Things that look like wigs but are much uglier | Things that makes you stupid | Don't put a fucking Russian Reversal quote on this page or I will kill you and eat your liver | Ha! made you look sucka! | Hfr2wf5rtgwsdhyyjkydeesfghuhgfdsjhgf | I was born with a hatchet and a juggalo face! | Just Stop Now, I'm Tired Of Changing Your Unfunny Crap About Minerva | Licensed Spellers | Marblefluss | No Life | Pachelbel's Canon | PotatoChoppers' Guild | Scotttalk | Shuvel | Things that may be out to get some people, but not you. You're cool. Now pass the controller. It's my turn. | This bickering is pointless | ... | Articles with unsourced statements | Autological | Computers and Technology | Educational assessment and evaluation | Education | Standardized Tests | Teachers who let their students visit Uncyclopedia during class | Universities | Knowledge | Actual content | Coherent | Mature Content | Quaint | Serious | Problems | Hentai | Not A Sex Toy | Women Even Desperate Men Wouldn't Fuck | Literature | Nonsense | Senses
