Adam

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Adam.

Warning: The following text might contain Jesus. On the other hand, it might not. Remember, beware of the Anti-Christ...

[edit] Overview

Adam, a huge Eagles fan, was sad to see Terell Owens go at the end of the 2005 season

So this guy, Adam ( or Herbert if you are reading the King Herbert's translation) was born in or around 5,632 B.C., give or take evolution, and died several hundred years later. Probably. I mean, we're talking about pretty sketchy source material here. There may have been no Adam, but let's just say there was, and argue fervently with anyone who disagrees.

Adam has the dubious distinction of both giving life to Mankind. Dubious due to his prompt fucking-it-up for everyone who would be so unlucky to be born. He also has the distinction of being the only man to have a wife made out of his rib, probably.

Adam is considered by some to have been blind, having indulged heavily in self-abuse before the creation of Eve to meet his every ejaculatory need. Adam set many records during his tenure as the First Man on Earth, and experts agree that his depiction as a snowy-white Aryan superman is not only correct but pleasing to the inner racist in them. This can also displease racists since it implies that Aryans were stupid enough to commit Original sin. Racists are ususally too dumb to notice this.

Late in his lifespan, he discovered strange Viruses in his body. He decided to start an organization to destribute them so he could kill off humanity and get all its nacho cheese. However, his rightious attempt was prevented by Sterek Diles, the surgeon of Satan. He then was so depressed that he blew up the World Trade Center with help from his best friend, Osama Bin Laden. Phoenix Wright later successfully sued him for millions.

Adam is also your great-great-great ^1,000,000 grandfather, and shame on you for never visiting his grave. He worked hard so that you could have nice things, and this is how you repay him? If you see his useless layabout son Cain get him to call his Grandfather he's got some old business to sort out with him so he can have everyone over for Christmas dinner.

NOTE: God called Adam what he is because the Devil was using Adam as a middle name and God thought it was evil to do something so bad so He thought He'd put the name to good use. So technically God thinks Adam is the best name but having it as a middle name is evil and bad.

Adam was quite unlucky in some parts of his anatomy

[edit] Biblical Adam

The King James Version of the Bible (1611 B.C.), which created the religion of Christianity, is regarded by most non-Catholic Christians as the authorized version of the story of the first nudist. In this account, Adam was born on the sixth day of creation in the year 4004 B.C. and was the son of God (J.R. "Bob" Dobbs) and Goddess (Eris). He was God's only legitimate son. (Jesus was conceived when God committed adultery and statutory rape with 12-year-old Mary, the intended bride of Joseph, the 45-year-old carver of wooden artifacts who created Pinnochio.) Eve was then formed from one of Adam's ribs, making her both his sister and the first sex-changed clone. God then told the couple to be "fruitful and multiply," which is ancient Greek for "incest."

According to the Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia or Greek Unorthodox version of the Bible, the first woman was not Eve but Lilith. She became the first vampire and the arch-enemy of Buffy. Adam divorced Lilith, decreeing "When I didst ask that thou suckest upon mine member, twas my meaning not to suckle outest all my blood!" This left Adam unable to achieve an erection, until his sex organ was replaced by God's pet snake, which was named "Monty Python." Adam and Eve went on to produce two children, Steve who was a boy, and Reverend Loveshade, who was a hermaphromorphic gymnast who won five Olympic gold medals. These were two in Women's Gymnastics in 1996, two in Men's Gymnastics in 2000, and one in Unisex Cat Juggling (2010).

[edit] Acting Career

Adam was involved in a campy pop television show in the 1960's where he played the star of the series, Batman. With his sidekick, Robin, he pretended to help fight the evil plots of Satan, a villainous angel who had become all red and furry after falling quite a long way from Heaven into a vat of chemicals in Hell. Satan was then known as Adam Bain and ruled the earth from his lardass.

It is commonly thought that the purely platonic relationship between Batman and his ward represents the purity of non-sexual love that Adam felt for Eve before consuming the Fruit of Knowledge. This was of course completely false due to the high gayon readings, and of course the off-camera hijinks and pervasive sodomy in the alleyway behind the set.

In spite of his work, Adam was consistently out of money. He turned to one source of inspiration-the bar. Rambling on about a talking snake, he was repeatedly laughed at. PALE however, took him under their wings and gave him a role as the T. Rex in Jurassic Park One. He was paid eighteen pesos.

Adam Jackman on the other hand is maybe the coolest person alive