Adam Sandler
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- See Adam Sandler (musician) for the reggae artist Adam Sandler.
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“Yeahhh...I kicked his ass, and I'll do it again if I get another chance.”
~ Bob Barker on beating up Adam Sandler during Happy Gilmore
“Adam Sandler, Ha! That jewish Styx loving cocksmooch! You see one of his movies, ya seen'em all!.”
~ Anonymous Anti-Sandler Sinatic speaking for America
“♫♪He's not perfect,♫♪ but the lord said ♫♪love thy neighbourr..♫♪”
“Shut the fuck up Flanders”
“Okaly-fukn-do”
~ Flanders
“I'M ADAM SANDLER, BITCH!”
~ Mr. Cleveland as Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler is the 5th of satans minions, cast upon the earth for mind control purposes. He was killed when satan figured out all of his movies were exactly the same and his characters inolve no acting. His funny speech impedements are a result of chris farley's cock getting stuck in his ass too deep and broke off. This famously fictional sandal maker was not always known for his humble beginnings. After his father (satan) left her to start a pink polkadot high-heel franchise, Adam was left with a stockpile of sandals to work with, and not enough customers. To fund his company, she decided to work part time gigs at "The Las Vegas Comedy Club for Very Special People." Sandler got in by playing a retarded boy with a speech impediment, which audiences applauded with uneasy laughter before leaving and going home to silently commit suicide. Adam continued this gig until tripping on some spilled vodka, banging his jaw against a bar counter, stool, and finally, the floor. Audiences loved it, but his "speech impediment" now turned out to be real.
Facing this crisis, she decided to make tapes of his act, so that no one could see his hidious face. The first tape, called "The only actual funny thing I've ever made" included such memorable sketches as "You only fart twice." Eight tapes later, Sandler outgrew his shyness and decided to join an eastcoast cocain-snorting gang known as Saturday Night Live. Saturday Night Live was making movies at the time, and decided to place Adam Sandler in every one of them, or at least every odd numbered one. Sandler was delighted to find she could play out his character "Jimmy the Retard" no matter what movie she was in. While on Saturday Night Live, she adapted some of his tape performances on to live taped TV, and then preceded to think she was funny. This was largely due to his "Opera Man" performance, in which she opened his mouth and people got really annoyed. A special edition DVD was released later, as part of the "this is funny funny funny so just buy it!" series of SNL videos. Adam Sandler is now starring in the drama/porno series of Dirty Sexy Money, featuring Don Rickels as Adam Sandler and Adam Sandler starring as Billy Madison.
Sandler left his comedy career out of spite and anger for the system she was brought up in. His acting days are now over. Thankfully.
Sandler is also credited, while still a high school student, as the discoverer of Borophyll. Some wonder why the student did not use the chemical upon himself.
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[edit] History
In 2003, the FCC responded to complaints from the families of people who had died of seeing Sandler's humor (contrary to some reports, they did not die laughing) by stating that all Adam Sandler movies had to start with a warning screen saying, "Warning: This cinematic experience may contain one or more appearances of Adam Sandler. Children under 17 and adults over 65 should consider watching a humorous movie instead."
This measure, though well-received, well-intentioned and violently racist, was ultimately insufficient, and in 2004 the FCC placed new restrictions on Sandler vehicles: every movie in which Adam Sandler stars must include the word "asshole" somewhere in its title. This regulation was extended to Sandler's past as well as present movies in the controversial court case Citizens of Earth v. Sandler. Don't forget about O'Doyle. Some of Sandler's movies:
- Billy Asshole (Formally Billy Madison) (1994)
- Happy Asshole (Formally Happy Gilmore) (1996)
- Dirty Asshole (Formerly Dirty Work) (1998)
- The Assholeboy (Formerly The Waterboy) (1998) (also executive producer and writer)
- Big Asshole (formerly Big Daddy) (1999) (also executive producer and writer)
- Little Asshole (formerly Little Nicky) (2000) (also executive producer and writer)
- 8 Crazy Assholes (Formerly 8 Crazy Nights) (2002)
- The Hot Asshole (formerly The Hot Chick) (2002)
- Wallace and Gromit - The Execution of Wallace (2002)
- Punch-Drunk Asshole (fle Mormerly Punch-Drunk Love) (2002)
- Mr. Asshole (formerly Mr. Deeds) (2002) (also executive producer)
- Asshole Management (formerly Anger Management) (2003)
- 50 First Assholes (formerly 50 First Dates) (2004)
- Asshole-ish (Formerly Spanglish) (2004)
- The longest Asshole (formerly The Longest Yard) (2005)
- Prick (formerly Click)(2006)
- Reign Over My Asshole (formerly Reign Over Me) (2007)
- I now pronuce you an Asshole (Formerly I now pronounce you Chuck and Larry)(2007)
- Assholander (formerly Zoolander) (2008)
- Nickle Dick (2008)
- Big Dicky 2 (formerly Big Daddy 2) (3758)
- You Don't Mess with the Asshole (2008)
- Adam sandler is also a member of the [1]
[edit] Jewishness
Though it may not seem like it, Adam Sandler is a certified Jew. He has been known to frequently disobey the great jew council and spill all of the deepest secrets of the Jew while intoxicated at the tiki bar. He likes to take money from people and give it to his non-human friends called jews
[edit] Adam Sandler's Generosity
Adam Sandler once attempted to donate over 1,000 bottles of whiskey to his local synagogue to show the world that he is an alleged "Party-Jew" (A term invented by the man himself one night while he was out partying. It is notable that he had a blood alcohol level of approximatly .48, well above the expected human lethal dosage.) The synagogue turned down his offer, and Sandler just went back to the tiki bar.
[edit] Sandler's List
In 1999, Adam Sandler signed a contract with Universal Studios to create his self-directed movie, "Sandler's List."
The plot of the movie involves Oscar Sandler (played by Sandler), a rich and selfish guy who had it all. He soon realizes that things aren't so Perky in Germany -(portayed in a delightfully pubescent scene involving Sandler getting a good look at some German Knockers at a beerfest *oh yeah!*) - and by that we mean the slaughtering of millions of Jews. Together with Iztachk Schtchtern (Ben Kingsley), man-who-gets-hit-and-falls-down-a-lot-sidekick (Rob Schneider), and lovable Earl from lovable 'My name is Earl,' he decides to soften his hard heart and do something about it. So, he constructs a wholesome list filled with all kinds of fun activities and crafts the jews can do to add a little magic to their lives - including Sandler taking 234 jews for ice skating fun and dip-n-dots before they are turned into ash.
Adam Sandler spoke about it in an interview with The Insider:
" I wanted to celebrate my Jewish heritage, you know, and I thought that I should make a film about history - They[jew] aren't really having a good time in this world, and I thought that I should make a movie to cheer them up, you know, showing something good happening to them. That's when I thought of Oscar Schindler, and I thought the perfect way he should be portrayed is a guy with a hard exterior but is actually sweet and sensitive on the inside, and though he can be a jerk, he has emotions and can cry and just have a good time, and you know, you want to have a beer with him. I've never done that before so it's gonna be a good challenge."
Ben Kingsley spoke about playing Itztach Schtern in an interview:
They made me say 'Don't forget the soap' 24 times in that movie. That was what i had to say. 'Don't forget the soap!' 24, goddamned, times. I guess it was sort of my catchprhase, like adam thought it would be comical for me to keep popping up and saying it. Why? Why does he think that people saying things repeatedly is . . .. . . . i - i don't know. I would never had agreed to do this movie, it's just that the contract for Schindler's List said that if there was ever a sequel or remake I would be bound to do it, to the lack of my knowledge. So. . . . i'm stuck. .. . .doing this.. .. .. . .. . . [looks forlornly into the distance, as if something has died in him.] . .. . . . .. . . . . I WAS GANDHI!!!!!!!!!!! I WAS MOTHER FUCKING GANDHI!!!!!! I WON SOME AWARD IT WAS GOLD!!! I WAS GANDHI!!! AND LOOK AT ME NOW!!!!!! LOOK AT ME NOW, DEAR GOD.. .Dear. . Go-
And in a hilarious turn of events, Rob Schneider is also - - - - HItLeR???? (UH! Oh!) Rob comically hilariously has hitler falling down left and right and having his butt set on fire repeatedly, afterwhich yelling his comically hilarious catchphrase: "OOF!!! MEIN ASSVITZCH!!"
Schneider had this to say about the challenging aspects of portraying one of the most notorious villains in history:
Yeah there's a lot of German Sausage. .. you know. . .German sausage. . . .hehe. . .. nipple. . . .. . . heheh. . . . . .. . .boob .. . . . . . .balls. . . .. . . .uh . .. scrotum. . . . yeah, i wanted to do a movie about holocart because like, there were a lot of boobs during the hologaust, like, lots of boobs. . . .. . . .nuts. . . .heeh. . uh . .. . . . .. . boobs
In one comically hilarious scene of the movie, there is a comically hilarious misconception when comically hilarious Rob Schneider reports back to Sandler with news of the completion of the aquirements of the list - or so he thinks! :
Schneider: Here's the list, Oscar, checked and done.
(hands over the list)
Sandler: Wait a minute, This is a grocery list!! Schneider, you used the wrong list!!!
Schneider: THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO WITH ALL THESE SPEGHETTIOS???
Sandler: Wait a second - If you had the grocery list, then ITZCHTAK SCHTERN HAS - -- - OOOOH NOOOOO!!!!!
(shows schtern looking confusedly around the grocery store) Schtern: Does anyone know what aisle i can find the Leon Rosenburgs?!??!!?
The movie also contains heartfelt love, when Sandler falls for a charming half-dead Jewish girl. Remeniscent of Schneider's hilarious film "shallow hal," Sandler sees her from the inside as a beautiful perfect woman, and not from the exterior as a 24 pound skeleton. He also literally sees her inside, as she is a 24 pound skeleton. At the end of the movie, Sandler daringly yet sweetly professes his love to her over the nazi control station's megaphone as she is being carried in the back of a truck to a body pit, to the roar of applause, triumphant climax music, and the incinerator.
And at the end of the film's rauceous good-time fun, Sandler warms hitler's heart in another triumphant heartwarming climax, afterwhich Oscar Sandler, Hitler, Ben Kingsley, Leon Trotsky, and Howard Stern proceed to dance in traditional Fiddler-on-the-roof Jew Dancing (to "My Humps" in order to historically raise the roof), holding hands with bottles on their tophats. Interestingly enough, the fate of the jewish population is completely ignored. (But who needs conclusions when you've got rapping Matzah!!!!??) Which there is, a group of rapping matzah appears at the end and raps about Thug Nachos.
This movie is also a remake of "fiddler on the roof," which is intertwined somehow into the storyline, and features all the fantastic songs like If I were a Reich Man and Sunrise, boob (written by Rob Schneider.) This movie was never released because it is morally horrible, scenes of the original 'fiddler on the roof' were scattered randomly into the film due to budgeting issues, and midway into the movie the subject of the Holocaust suddenly was completely removed from the storyline and the rest of the film was basically Happy Gilmore with Swatchztikas. That and Ben Kingsley, feeling degraded beyond belief and that his life and others lives were futile, tragically shot up the cast and the last 5 minutes could not be filmed. Even more tragically, Rob Schneider managed to survive. But he is now eternally a vegetable, so hurrah.
[edit] Brother
Adam doesn't honestly really have a brother. Hmm... Thats pretty boring; you came online here to read funny stuff about Adam Sandler, and then you scroll down to see stuff about his brother...Ha ha ha; soo much fun stuff! NOT!!! And I don't give a shit about "RJ Herrmanson" sounds like a retard from North Carolina! Anyways, whoever put that about that kid, I deleted it, cuz it was almost as worse as Britney Spears' haircut. AGGHHHHHHH!!!!! SO anwyay, I hope you all start to get a life and stop interigizzing your own friends or w/e.....losers.
"This ain't no chatroom. So shut the hell up Assholes and write some funny things about me because I'm just an Asshole who cannot make a movie without mentioning the word 'Asshole' several times!" says Adam Assholeler (formal name: Adam Sandler) "So don't go Assn' to me that you're an Asshole by writing Assholly dry, dirty , sexy, money, shitless, dickless, corny, bag of monkey shit about me the Asshole I already am!!"
"Oh yes. You want to know the real news about my brother. Well my brother was a great man. He tought me the proper way to fish for Assholes dirty, sexy money. He died on a smelly old rocket shit, I mean ship. He was such an Asshole."
