Adult Swim

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For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Adult Swim.
One of the many bumps Adult Swim airs every night.
One of the many bumps Adult Swim airs every night.

Adult Swim is small cable anomaly located deep within the crusty recesses of Ted Turner's anus. It usually creeps it's text based head out around 11 to 10 o'clock when the smaller, more helpless shows of the cartoon network have been sent to bed to be sexually abused by the ratings hungry claymation or anime shows it supplies. It supples off the teat of nerds, loaners, and the weird kid who talks to you sometimes to survive the circle of hell that is cable television. It's main export is aerial font.

Contents

[edit] Early Origins

The very first stages of Adult Swim can be traced back to ancient cave scribblings in Mesopotamia that have since been rubbed out in wild waves of paranoia during the rule of King An'Pannamopanna B'anana, when an ancient fortune-telling pirate in his service suffered a frightful stroke-induced coma (followed by a 7-minute string of uncomfortable defecation) while attempting to read the third wall of markings, which apparently spoke of enlarged blades of grass killing innocent civilians with advanced Swiffer-based weaponry.

Upon the hiding gypsies' rather smelly death, King An'Pannamopanna B'anana (or Frank to his close friends and his favorite masseuse) spoke four sentences which can be roughly translated to "I don't have time for this sort of thing. If he wants to over-react, then I'm not going to pay him anymore. Oh, and clean that freaking shit he just blew everywhere off the walls. I feel sick."

The only remaining documentation of this event can be found in the revised English version of the ancient book, A Pimply King's Apprentice. In it, the apprentice recounts the daily beatings he suffered under the abusive and ugly king, as well as an observation of life in ancient times. Unfortunately, he was not able to recount much of his experience in the cave, owing to being struck blind only three weeks earlier during a rather nasty scuffle in Town Square.

The book does, however, give a very detailed description of all the noises that took place during the cave exploration, including the king's loud obscene outburst. Thanks to those words, the idea of Adult Swim could live on to the next step of its discovery.

[edit] Next Steps of Discovery

The old men have Alzheimer's Disease? Or something. I forget
The old men have Alzheimer's Disease? Or something. I forget

The original Adult Swim premise came from a young archaeologist/science fiction writer/aspiring stage actor named Albert P. Willburton.

Albert was walking around one a sunny day in 1950's Detroit through a local library, looking for books for which to steal ancient ideas and then publish them as his own (see ripoff artist) when he stumbled upon the book that would later change his life.

Albert took the tragedy of underpaid people dying horrible deaths, combined with the hilarity of powerful politicians swearing at inappropriate moments, and published his first book, entitled My Life As An Ancient Blind Mesopotamian Apprentice Who Travelled Through Time: The Entirely True, Unplagarized Story.

Needless to say, the book sold horribly. In fact, so few copies were sold that Albert ended up having to buy his own book several hundred times to repay the amount of money spent publishing it. (Albert never was a math whiz.)

But the stone was set in place.

[edit] Adult Swim's Birth

Everyone loves SwimCon!!!
Everyone loves SwimCon!!!

Albert's work had since been stolen by every ripoff artist imaginable, been called "a diamond in the rough" and "totally stupid but a fun read" by fellow scholars. These were pleasant words for Albert to hear, despite having been rendered deaf two weeks ago during a rather nasty scuffle in Town Square.

He passed away in 1987, and then the floodgates opened. The scholars who now praised his work decided to abandon his traditional method of stealing work and instead band together to form a group of whiny old geezers with one goal in mind, which scientists now assume was world domination, or some kind of monetary prize available through a television contest.

They began small, with only slightly insulting and vulgar shows such as Kicking Puppies, My Friend The Gullible Paraplegic, Pushing People Down Stairs, and the all-too-infamous Sealab:2017: The Year of the Baby Murders, eventually working their way to hard-core porn acts and real-life execution video tapes. As a result, the usually brown-nosing critics slammed their work, calling it "Absolutely gut-wrenching and terrible, capable of rendering homicidal maniacs as harmless as retarded 7-year-olds."

However, by the time the reviews were out, most of the old men were dead or close enough, and had resorted to selling out as much as possible to anyone who would buy their vomit-inducing media abortion. From this came the purchase of Adult Swim by a group of backwoods rejects who managed to set up a small hut in Atlanta, who later named themselves "Williams Street Entertainment." However, most filming actually occurs in Toontown, then shipped to Atlanta for editing and adding of bumps. Oddly enough, the new network was able to salvage its purchase by inventing new, witty, and sometimes hypnotic shows that went on to become very popular among the very same critics who once shunned the idea of a man made entirely of eyeballs as being stupid.

(This very entry was mentioned on a viewer's mail bump on August 11, 2005. Adult Swim therefore proclaimed this article "scientificly impossible.")

[edit] The Attack On Boston

Thank you Boston PD, you have saved your town from several Lite Brights!
Thank you Boston PD, you have saved your town from several Lite Brights!
The Mooninites' rampage on Boston caused widespread panic.
The Mooninites' rampage on Boston caused widespread panic.

On January 31, 2007, the Boston Police Department believed that their fair town was under attack by an evil menace only known as the Mooninites, a couple of characters on a popular show on Adult Swim; Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Several "bombs" were reported scattered around the city. It turned out that these supposed "bombs" were actually thermo-nuclear detonators, and the bombs were not in Boston, but actually Nantuckett.

The attack was planned out by the GLOTOJ (Grand Legion of Tired Old Jokes). They were sick of hearing the Nantuckett limerick, and though the only way to solve it was to totally destroy the city. The leader of the legion, a Mr. Seymore Buttz, said that you must let jokes die, because that's what makes them classics.

Though the bombs never did detonate as planned, they did teach the people of Boston several life goals, none of which actually apply to this. The Boston PD arrested many people associated with the attack, and forced them to watch reruns of The Mr. T Show until they admit that they learned their lessons, and then were sent to bed without dinner.

[edit] "Popular" Adult Swim Shows

[edit] Rejected Adult Swim Bumps

There were no rejected Adult Swim Bumps until the 2008 new years day marathon of Micheal Jackson's Happy Fun Rape Fest which ran all day. During the second hour of the marathon a bump featuring images of Tom Cruise flashed across the screen from seemingly out of nowhere. Many viewers were confused to see a man who was commonly thought to have been dead flash across the screen and many viewers started to complain on Adult Swim's forums. After hours of complaining, Mr. Camel, Adult Swim's CEO, confessed that a bump featuring the words "Futurama is dead" was replaced with in 13 seconds of air time because he found the bump may offend viewers since their channel is funded by PBS who is against any thing being dead supposedly. Following the outrageous bump, a picture of Ronald Mcdonald censored the screen for the rest of the marathon due to technical issues.

[edit] Also See: (AS)

This article was mentioned in an Adult Swim bump,
further diminishing what little credibility the media had left.
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