Advanced Toenail Clipping

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“Toenails? I have roundhouse kicked enough of them already! Booyaa!”

~ Chuck Norris on Advanced Toenail Clipping

“Clipping toenails is such sweet pleasure!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Advanced Toenail Clipping

“CTU! Get the hell off my foot!”

~ Jack Bauer on Advanced Toenail Clipping

Advance Toenail Clipping is a modern refinement of the ancient art of toenail cutting first practiced by the ancient Sumerians in the early cradle of civilization. The old way of the art of clipping toenails was relatively simple. One would take a sharp object, and use it to shorten the nail of the toes by slicing off the outermost edge. Advanced Toenail clipping is much more complicated and much more ritualistic than it's predesessor.

[edit] History

The original practice of toenail cutting first used by the ancient Sumerians migrated slowly north to influence the more civilized cultures bordering on the Mediterranean sea. This eventually created a profound impact upon the Roman culture, around the time of the birth of Jesus Christ. Christ then adopted the practice, spreading the word of Toenail Clipping across all the Holy Land, but unfortunately, the practice fell into disfavour with the Romans as they were afraid that the short toenails would bring about the downfall of their rule. However, the tradition was not lost as it disappeared into the underground, passed from generation to generation. The skills and art of ancient toenail clipping were kept alive by a secret society, named the Toenail Clipping Guild (TCG), which was first thought to be an offshoot of the Masons but might have actually been formed from the formerly defunct Babylonian Cosmetology and Manicure Association.

Over the centuries, the secrets remained hidden until the first hints of the truth were first revealed in the Renaissance period by Leonardo Da Vinci, whose fresco, the Last Supper, shows Judas holding a bag of toenail clippings and Peter, a knife used to practice the sacred toenail clipping ceremony.

Many famous and prestigious people have used this practice publicly, including Sammy Davis Jr, Brad Pitt, Bob Barker, and Sarah Michelle Gellar.

[edit] Advanced Toenail Clipping Today

To this day, Toenail Clipping societies are becoming more mainstream as the many important uses of the skill go beyond simple sacred ceremonies. New uses for toenails have been discovered in science, medecine and as potential solutions to world hunger and poverty.

A new MIT department has recently been founded, with funding from the US government, approved by George W. Bush himself. Bush has was quoted recently, at a party fundraising dinner, as saying "Toenails are the next fossil fuels and have great potential in solving global warming, once and for all! It's about time we all learned about the benefits of toenails".

New regulations are now being drafted in congress about the responsible use of advanced toenail clipping as the skills could be dangerous if they were to fall in the wrong hands. This has brought to light the need for advanced training and supervision for all toenail clipping enthusiasts the world wide.