Aerosmith
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“I go CRAZY, CRAZY, CRAZY!”
“The Demon-a-screamin'!”
~ Steven Tyler responding to a policeman's question, "What's your name?"
“Dope if it's a boy OR Liv if it's a girl”
~ Steven Tyler answering reports question, "What will you name your child?"
“Just don't get fuckin' caught!”
~ Joe Perry to Steven Tyler
Aerosmith may be the only good American rock band ever to live except Elvis. They have played live for over 200 years and their musical style hasn't changed since then.
They are known as "the Bad Boys from Boston". A later band named themselves Boston as a tribute to Aerosmith, confusing rock journalists for decades.
Contents |
[edit] History
[edit] Beginnings
Joe Perry fought in The American Revolution. George Washington, the Father of The American Revolution, is Joe Perry's father, making Joe Perry the brother of the American Revolution, and (if you're an American) probably your uncle.
Steven Tyler was an ordinary sunflower until one magical day when he first heard the blues. At the time he had been in Aerosmith for about six years.
[edit] Lifestyle evolves
Aerosmith's drug habits are of epic legend, and considered to be the 2nd worst in rock history. One summer Steve Tyler and Joe Perry snorted up Peru, trees and all, only to find themselves ground into a powder and shot into Iggy Pop's arm. Fortunately, Drug Jesus protected Tyler and Perry from Iggy's ghastly metabolism, and they were secreted whole, resuming quickly with rehearsing new music, doing drugs, sleeping, eating, shooting their guns, driving their sports cars, and in short, living the rock lifestyle to the fullest.
[edit] Narcotics Anonymous
If that sounded cool to you, you'll be needing some of this too.
[edit] Influence
For years Aerosmith concertgoers were convinced they were at Rolling Stones concerts, but couldn't understand why the band arrived on time, could play their instruments and didn't have the Hell's Angels mass murder people. The Stones may have influenced Aerosmith, but Aerosmith in turn influenced hundreds of other bands, including:
- everything hair metal
- Deep Purple, after they reunited and went hair metal
- KISS (formerly Keep It Simple Stupid), even before they went hair metal, but more after.
- That kid that plays guitar in his garage across the street
- Def Leppard (formerly The Real Cool Spellers).
- Guns N' Roses who copied mostly addictions, to the point where Axl's hair went from a murky shade of blonde to a burning ginger.
- Queen (The)
- The New York Philharmonic
- Chuck Norris
- your mom
[edit] Discography
Aerosmith released many albums, most of which made the Rolling Stone magazine's 500 Greatest Aerosmith Albums list. Their many hit singles include the hits "Dream On Drugs", "Come Together on Drugs", "Crazy on Drugs", "I Don't Want to Miss a Grain of Cocaine", "Big Ten Inch Joint" and "Jesus Christ Superdrugs", written in collaboration with hard rock legend Diane Warren. On drugs.
True fans know all Aerosmith album titles are obscure sexual innuendae. For example, Honkin' on Bobo is slang for fellatio; Draw The Line is slang for fellatio; Classics Live Volume 2 is slang for fellatio. Done With Mirrors is a recommended sexual position with the band's favorite groupie, Lady Cocaine.
[edit] Albums
- We're Already too Fucked to Name our Debut Album: What Will we be Like in Five Years? (all 1973)
- Get Your Fuckin' Drug Addiction (1974)
- Sex Toys in the Kitchen, Heroin Needles In The Drawer (1975)
- Wooden Rocks (1976)
- Draw the Line of Coke and Snort It (1977)
- Live! Bootleg (1978)
- Right in the Nuts (1979)
- Cock and a Hard Place (1982)
- Aerosmith Sells out (1984)
- Done with Beer a.k.a What The Fuck?! (1985)
- Classics Live I: Just Songs From Our Early, Good Albums, We Promise (1986)
- Classics Live II: For The Second Year In A Row We Are Too Fucked Up To Record New Material, Yee-haa! (1987)
- Permanent Sedation (1988)
- (I Want My Own) Pump (1989)
- Get a Grip on that Bong (1993)
- After releasing this album, Aerosmith were attacked by angry people with pierced nipples, claiming that the album cover was a direct insult to nipple-piercing. Then came the cows.
- 9 Lives After Six Drug Induced Deaths and meeting Kurt in Nirvana (1997)
- Push Stop, For The Love Of God! What the Fuck Happened to all the Hard Rock (2001)
- Bonkin' on Hobo (2004)
[edit] Singles
- Aerosmith and Michael Richards – "Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah"
[edit] Jamie's Got a Gun
Jamie's Got a Gun is a song about a hermaphradite named Jamie, who has a gun. Jamie is a girls name, but she has a gun. Put it together yourself.
........
Come on, you can get it. Think about it. gun.
.........
..Come on, you almost have it.
...You still don't get it? Ok fine I'll tell you, gun means penis. Are you a /b/tard or something? Jamie is a girl with a penis. Gun = penis. Go back to 4chan.
[edit] Members
Soul patch notwithstanding, blond members of Aerosmith suck. Tyler and Perry probably just pay them in pussy.
- Stevey Tyler - Screamer
- Joe Fucking Perry - Lead Guitarist
- Tom Hamilton - Bassist
- Brad Whitford - Guitarist
- Joey Kramer - Garbage Can Knocker
[edit] Trivia
- Everyone loves Aerosmith.
- Only Communists don't love Aerosmith.
- Aerosmith means Rock in Spanish, French, Japanese and Huttese.
