Agriculture

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“I implore you: Stop Botany!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Agriculture

Agriculture is the eternal war being continuously waged by Mankind against the relentlessly invading hordes of the evil plant kingdom.

1 How the War Began
2 The Farmer's Last Stand
3 Are We Losing the War?
4 Strategic and Tactical Advantages of Plants
5 Ants
6 Timeline of Agricultural Weaponry
7 See Also

[edit] How the War Began

It is a well known fact that plants and animals have been mortal enemies of each other for billions and billions of years. It was only with the evolution of Man and his subsequent promotion to King of the Beasts that effective opposition against the green menace could be better organized for the mutual benefit of both our animal brethren and fungi cousins.

[edit] The Farmer's Last Stand

The farmer is outstanding in his field. Also, the farmer is out standing in his field. Many brave agricultural warriors now stand as the last line of defense between the photosynthesizing bastards and our vulnerable cities. For years, we have been forced to use scorched-earth tactics to mow down vast armies of wheat and rice and marijuana to prevent them from marching down our streets and raping our teenage virgin daughters.

[edit] Are We Losing the War?

As of 2005, the overall War on Botany is going very badly for us. More and deadlier plants have evolved to take up arms against the last remnants of humanity. However, notable progress against those vegetable zombies is being made in South America, where, if all goes well, we will soon eradicate the dreaded rain forests and secure the continent for democracy before the decade is out.

[edit] Strategic and Tactical Advantages of Plants

Poisonous thorns
High rates of reproduction
Deep roots for securing conquered territory
Ability to brainwash bees to do their foul bidding
Periodical shedding of leaves which choke our vital trade routes
Effective camouflage for the infiltration of forests and meadows
Control of the floral industry to undermine the hearts and minds of our womenfolk

[edit] Ants

Ants are responsible for 87% of worldwide farming. From sand to geletin, ants are a key resource to a sustainable future. In 1986, Willie Nelson first brought attention to the vital role ants play in our ecosystem. Because of this, 90 million dollars were allocated in subsidies to ant farms in the United States, fiscal year 1987. The plight of the ant farmer continues today.