AIDS

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“AIDS, my fellow Americans, is another word for WMD, and this 'STD', which again means Certainly Terrible Destruction, is an Iraqi biological attack.”

~ George W. Bush on AIDS

“Y'see kids, AIDS is kinda like Jello puddin'.”

~ Bill Cosby on AIDS

“I've had AIDS, six times.”

~ Chuck Norris on AIDS

“The first symptom of AIDS is a sensation of pounding in the ass.”

~ Dr. Phil on AIDS

“AIDS must suck. Pretty bad. Must be gutted. Meh...'Chya gonna do?”

~ God on AIDS

“Yeah, I beat AIDS. Turns out he's not the last boss.”

~ Gamer on Beating AIDS

“Q: Doctor, doctor! I feel like a pair of curtains! A: That's the least of your worries; you have AIDS.”

~ Oscar Wilde on AIDS

“This is serious. Like AIDS serious.”

~ The Cloak on AIDS

“In Soviet Russia, you get AIDS!”

~ Russians on AIDS

“Ryan Cormack gave me Aids!”

~ Glenn Buchan on Aids

Pool's closed, due to AIDS.

AIDS has even spread to Hyrule.

AIDS, (formerly spelt AYDS) was sold by the US government in pill form in the early 80s. It helped millions achieve dramatic weight loss.

AIDS, is the comedic breakthrough of a lifetime, in the form of an acronym for Anally Injected Death Sentence or Anal Infected Dick Suckers, is a miracle breakthrough created by a joint effort between the US Government and the Pfizer Company, sponsored by the Catholic Church. Originally spelled AYDS, it was later called getting lAIDS, for its ties with sex, but because it is found also in drinking monkey blood, they shortened the title. AIDS was invented in Africa after a little black boy had anal sex with a monkey. Ronald Reagan, inspired by a vision of Knute Rockne, pushed for a drug to be created that would cure the major problems of the world. The drug was developed in secret labs around the country and perfected by many scientists under the supervision of Reagan. Unknown to Reagan, the Hungarian Reformed church of Transylvania planned on using AIDS, which could be transferred through blood, in order to wipe out its ancient enemies: the vampires. It is also believed Will wright created the disease. The contraction of AIDS is generally met with laughter and finger-pointing, in addition to shouting "Na-Nana-NAH NAAAAH! YOU GOT AIDS!"

According to the 'popular' website Conservapedia, known for it's telling of the truth, the whole truth & nothing but the truth, Aids was originally spread by overly promiscuous Gay Prostitute Baboons (known locally as the West African Simian Penis Suckers, or WASPS). Apparently, they prefer to be known as Baboons-who-have-sex-with-Baboons, therefore removing the stigma of being thought to be happy. The same site also quotes the Very Reverend George-the-W-is-for-WASPS-Bush as saying, "Who wouldn't be driven wild with desire at the sight of such a wonderfully scarlet rump?". George is famous for being the only non-baboon member of the WASPS, and has been photographed on numerous occasions attempting to emulate his baboon idols.

[edit] The Spread of AIDS

Contrary to the popular belief that to get aids you must be a homosexual or from Africa, all that is required is to sleep with Andrew b. (aka DREWBY, or SMEX) The truth is, that simply coming into contact and especially sleeping with Drewby is the sure route to achieving ultimate weight loss. (via being infected with the afore mentioned Anally Infected Death Syndrome) although of course the lot of Africa are still capeable of being infected without contact.

Marketing on the drug began quickly. Television Ads announced that AYDS would help you too, achieve your ideal look. Government officials also took notice that AYDS had more potential that just a weight loss breakthrough; it held the key to cure many problems and ills. AYDS was so popular and known so well as only a weight loss solution, that a decision was quickly made to give AYDS a new name and fresh new look. AIDS was chosen as the new spelling and a new wave of marketing was unleashed.

AIDS was now being advertised as a miracle cure for drug addiction, homosexuality, Unicornism, poverty, hemophilia, blackness, obesity and of course the dreaded emo-i-tiss. Reagan had indeed gotten the miracle cure he was looking for. To get the word out that this miracle cure was here, Reagan asked his good friend Oral Roberts to tell his ministers to begin preaching that this was God’s cure for these tortured peoples. Roberts agreed as long as Reagan would no longer charge for AIDS. Reagan agreed saying, “AIDS was a miracle inspired by God and should be free to his people.”

With the new image, name change and backing of the religious right, scientists had another breakthrough. To save on manufacturing costs of AIDS it was found that AIDS could be made in and distributed by the human body. This saved the government millions. All the government had to do now was give AIDS to a few people and let distribution take on a pyramid scheme of its own. The new distribution plan was a huge success. AIDS was now on fire and bigger than was ever imagined.

Soon AIDS was being applied as a cure to all sorts of problems. Even huge, taxing problems such as overpopulation was still not too big for AIDS to take on! The problems solved by AIDS were many.

This maze lets you help the army man spread AIDS to the innocent civilians!

[edit] The Problem Years

Soon many liberal crybabies whined and moaned over a few slight side effects of AIDS, and deny to this day that AIDS is a problem in the gay community, calling it "A damn conservative lie" or alternatively "a vast right-wing conspiracy." A huge smear campaign was launched against fighting the real causes of AIDS: liberal behavior (usually conducted by liberals). People even went as far to try and take steps to stop AIDS from spreading. Many tears were shedded, many bad songs were sung, and many boring galas took place. The PR war went on for many years, but once the dust settled, the smoke cleared and AIDS gained new momentum. Phase II clinical trials were proposed to be on American Homosexuals but it was discovered that Homosexuals are immune to the virus.

[edit] AIDS, the Hard-left, Environmentalism and a new way of thinking

Progressive thinkers on the hard left and all liberals who were able to momentarily suspend their visceral reaction to all things and repudiate their anti-empirical-data methods for obtaining truth, began to see the positive side of the AIDS epidemic. Enlightened liberals, particularly hard-left environmentalists, began to see that AIDS, unlike filibustering, lip-service world governments, was able to deliver the population reduction that liberals and Stalinists had always longed for. AIDS was 'no talk and all action' and was delivering stellar results quarter over quarter. Some avant-garde liberals even tried to buy stock in AIDS (which does not pay a dividend) but the stock's IPO was never realized. Those investors, burnt by the AIDS IPO, wound up buying the insurance policies of AIDS victims and have realized respectable returns on their investments.

Mr. T performs an African dance believed by Africans to cure AIDS. Having sex with three virgins also cures AIDS according to African scientists.

Most liberals have not subscribed to the "AIDS as a catholicon for the environment" paradigm for two reasons. One reasons is general ignorance among liberals and an inability to connect the dots (only two dots in this case vis-à-vis AIDS=death). Stupidity is a pernicious, perennial and chronic problem among liberals. The second reason is a chilling awareness among liberals that statistically 99.7% of AIDS victims are liberal people. This unbearable truism has had a chilling effect on the hard left's embrace of the positive environmental aspects of AIDS.

[edit] AIDS Today

Under George Bush, AIDS has once again thrived and began to spread and take hold. This is in large part due to the successful government welfare program MedicAIDS. People seem to be seeking out AIDS like never before and have asked big government to step in and make AIDS more readily obtainable. Not to be outdone by Bush, Hillary Clinton has promised all Americans will get AIDS under her healthcare program "HillaryAIDS". Of course, advancing liberalism is sure to increase the numbers of AIDS victims, even if Hillary cannot deliver on the 100% AIDS rate she has promised. Democrats hoped to make serious inroads into getting more young children to test positive for AIDS under their proposed expansion of the AIDS SCHIP program. The Democratic party's push for getting more AIDS into America's children was nickednamed, "No Child Left in the Behind" by a homosexual Democratic group.

Today, side effects from AIDS are controlled by other drugs which can be obtained for a very small donation to Canadian drug stores. Pez (properly dispensed from a Pez dispenser) also controls most AIDS side effects. The users of these drugs, like most users of prescription drugs, advocate that all drugs should be free. The creators of the drugs beg to differ and have humbly asked that they be paid for their scientific breakthroughs. People that have AIDS lead happy wonderful lives which are much better than those of us normal people. They are quick to show off how happy and better than us they really are by appearing in many Ads featuring these AIDS heroes doing everything from playing basketball to mountain climbing to marrying to giving blood to being a new parent. AIDS has truly changed our world! there is even a holiday (I Have AIDS, You Have AIDS Day) to celebrate it's global conquest! Farm Aids is a separate holiday.

[edit] Side Effects

The most serious side effect of AIDS is death, which occurs in 100.1% of patients diagnosed with the disease. Sometimes this is preceded by other, lesser symptoms, including, but not limited to, the following:

• Amazing Weight loss
• Being extra happy all the time
• Finding new, anonymous love
• Breast implants
• A desire to host 'AIDS orgy' parties.
• Systemic failure of the circulatory, nervous, respiratory, or lymph systems.
• Wearing pink, other pastel colors, or green on Thursdays.
• Skin irregularities including lesions, contusions, abrasions, hematoma, boils, welts, heavy bruising, moles, pimples, rash, or unexpected sunburn.
• A willingness to listen to music(?) by Britney Spears or N'Sync.
• Nausea, shortness of breath, vomiting, stuffy head, runny nose, headache, or flu-like symptoms when exposed to said music.
• A cure to the common cold
• Wasting time reading boring and fake articles in online encyclopedias other then Uncyclopedia which contains mostly true articles.
• Sharing the fun of AIDS with other unsuspecting people
• Crop circles
• Darker Skin
• Messy rooms
• Spontaneous song and dance numbers
• Extra money from the Children's Wish Foundation
• Playing video games
• Closed pools
• An attraction to farm animals, otherwise known as farmers
• OMG U KN0 WH@T 1TS S0 AWESOME T0 TYP3 @LL MA SENTENCES LYK D1S WITH0UT US1NG ANYK1ND 0F PUNCU@T10N 0R C0MM@S 0R SHYT LYK DAT SCREW GRAMMAR LOL
• Increased military spending
• Higher 50 Cent album sales
• Green Goo Growing on your left shoulder
• Hallucinations
• Your computer will receive a Soviet/German virus
• Cartoon characters will jump out of the TV and rape you and or internally combust(not proven)
• Having a sudden urge to club baby seals
• Being blacker than black people
• Super powers
• Necrophilia
• Multiple neon signs reading, "AIDS" constantly pointing at the infected individual
• Being from The Village, NY
• An erection lasting more than six hours
• Having sex with random prostituted chipmunk mongers
• Drinking Vitamin Water
• Spouting "Your Mom" Jokes
• "Fucking Skank!"
• "Jägerbombs!"
• Bears
• Fat people on your interworkwebnetwebs.
• Ginger Beards!!
• A Compulsion to post things on the website Uncyclopedia

In recent news, the South African Government has found numerous cures for AIDS. Although they are quick to point out that this is not to be confused with another, completely separate and unrelated "illness" called HIV. The cures are simple and effective and are even used by highly respected public officials, such as Vice President and Gangsta Rappa Jacob Zuma.

1) If you decide to sleep with / give "surprise sex" to someone who has aids, simply find a source or H2O which falls from an elevated height in such a fashion as to connect with and bond to the affected areas. Click your heels together and chant "Nkosi Sikilel" three times, thereby activating the atomic bonds present in the H2O to seek and destroy this pesky little AIDs critters crawling on your flesh.

2) In the case of severe infection, wash, rinse and repeat step one on a daily basis. Then be sure to eat one African potato, one onion and some finely crushed garlic. This should be washed down with a beer mug of Lemon Juice. Do this three times a day.

3) The most important step is NEVER EVER take anti-retrovirals. These are deadly poisons made by the West in order to kill Africans more quickly so they can steal their land and go there for vacation. Anti-Retrovirals are deadly and will kill you twice as fast as AIDs - Robert Mugabe said so, so it must be true.

[edit] Famous People with AIDS and how they got it

• The Pope-From sharing needles with George Bush.
• George Bush-Unprotected sex with the Queen of England's dog.
• The Queen's dog-from oral sex with the Queen.
• The Queen-raped by The Cookie Monster.
• The Cookie Monster-From a special cookie given to him by Michael Jackson (the creator of kiddie AIDS).
• Britney Spears-When she shaved her hair off she lost the ability to have unprotected sex with 36 different people every day and not catch AIDS.
• Bill Gates-He downloaded it off the internet.
• Sherlock Holmes-He wasn't completely unemotional as watson suggests in the books. He actually had a sexaul preferance for mice. Everyone thought that he spent most of his time alone but he really spent most of his time in bed with a mouse across his lap. He caught AIDS off an African imported mouse. You shouldn't take in illegal immigrants.
• Hitler-He isn't dead. But he is dying, of AIDS! He caught AIDS at a young age from his best friend, who was gay. Hitler claimed he was raped ut everyone knew the truth. The song 'Hitler has only got 1 ball' comes from his kiddie AIDS. His momma cut off the infected testicle to try and remove the AIDS virus before it spread to his brain. She was too late. He became mad and was intent on Nazism and ruling the world. He also wanted to destroy theJews
• The Beatles-They all had AIDS.The first word is gang the second is bang.
• Your Mom-She got it from your Dad (she also got super AIDS from him).
• Your Dad-Secret CIA information. Rumors have it that he acquired it while visiting Osama Bin Laden in his cave.
• Weebl and Bob-They got it off an infected pie.
• The Crab People-They got it from the AIDS father himself, God.
• God-He created AIDS to wind up his wife he transmitted it to her and kept a cure for himself. But sadly he lost it and thats why he made Jesus to continue his work in creating all thgs that wind you up. Such as Wasps,communists,bisexuals and French Teachers.
• Ashley Tisdale- Famous Disney star caught it off Rick Astley
• Super Biscuit-He caught it off his trainer superman.
• Superman-He's got Super AIDS because his title is super so he has to haveeverything that is super.
• Buckwheat-Contracted when he had sex with Pockey. But was shot before he could give it to someone special, or die from it.
• Pockey-Had rousing sex parties with Gumby until they broke up because he had received AIDS from him.
• Gumby-He was on Nickelodeon, everyone one on that network has it!
• Spiderman, Spiderman caught AIDS in 2003 from Aunt May, he is one of few people to use AID to his advantage he fires AIDS from his wrists and swings from building to building on them. He patented this form of AID related transport in 2005.
• Eric Cartman - He got it after a tonsillectomy, but was later cured after being injected with a solution of dollar bills
• Bruce Winchester -Pharmacy Tech at a hospital in Tulsa,Ok. Not only does he have AIDS, he also participates in homosexual butt sex. The man is quite a fag. If he touches you, you could get AIDS transdermally. Honest.
• Papa Smurf -From Smurfette in the great smurf'orgy of '95. AKA "Smuckfest"}
• Smurfette -From GODzilla

[edit] How AIDS Kills

When you contract AIDS, Suicide Monkeys will breed inside you, until the day of Ramadan (or 6.03 minutes, 60.3 minutes, 603 minutes or 603 hours after contracting the AIDS) when they all blow up for 40 virgin chimps. Just to let you know the Suicide Monkeys jump on your testicles and pee on them.Practically, your a human toilet.(One of them is Donkey Kong.)

[edit] Fun facts

• Your mom has AIDS
• You can get AIDS by clicking here.
• Many scientists believe that AIDS came from monkeys. The same scientists claim to have no idea who had sex with the monkeys at the time. The other scientists think this is suspicious and refuse to talk to them.
• Europe and North America may have used science to combat AIDS, but Africa has made contributions too. Africans have discovered that 1) condoms will cause AIDS and 2) having sex with three virgins will cure AIDS.
• AIDS can also be contracted through associating too closely with someone who votes for Bush.
• You are ten times less likely to care if you have just huffed a kitten.
• Like gonorrhea, you can get AIDS from having sex with broken glass.
• AIDS is the third largest and fastest spreading disease in the world, only after Monkey disease and liberalism.
• Consuming raw or undercooked meats can result in AIDS.
• You get more AIDS if your penis is longer.
• AIDS was traditionally exported mainly from Africa, but today it is also a chief export of San Francisco, and also of France.
• AIDS is Africa's number one export.
• AIDS should not be confused with IAD, the Idiopathic Asymptomatic Disorder.
• 'SDIA' is actually 'AIDS' spelled backwards.
• AIDS is naturally unscented, but several companies have introduced scented AIDS.
• AIDS can be contracted through the ears, since the ears are tighter holes than other body orifices and the earwax is a natural lubricant. People with "hearing AIDS" are old and deaf.
• I like my AIDS served with a summer salad and hot milk mmm.
• Made in China
• Despite common beleif, AIDS is not as fun as Tuberculosis
• AID's
• Johnson and Mill's recently came out with a new alternative to the AIDS virus, called, "I can't believe it's not AIDS!" which comes in both cherry and vanilla flavors.
• A comic name for this disease is Anal Infected Death Syndrome  :)
• You can get Feline AIDS by sharing needles or having unprotected sex with an infected cat.
• An even more potent version of AIDS exists. It is known as Anette aids or Anett's syndrome.
• AIDS can be cured by taken a shower (source: Jacob Zuma, deputy president South Africa)
• Was made in Aids:The Place
• AIDS are not edible
• AIDS can be cured by drinking 2 litres of Dandelion and Burdock through your nose (applies to Good AIDS only)
• AIDs were developed by the white man (Bono) to kill the brown man (Tiger Woods).
• If you eat exactly 100 strepsils then you get AIDS
• You can also get AIDS by finding out what the AIDS symptoms are.
• There has been a documented case of a man who defeated AIDS in standardized arena battle only later to suffocate on herpes.
• Consuming raw AIDS can result in a mild upset stomach.
• It has been scientifically proven that all gay people are born with at least one AID.
• AIDS caused the chicken to cross the road.
• The nose has AIDS
• The Ski Slopes have AIDS
• All squirrels have AIDS
• Final Destination 3 Dubbing has AIDs
• Pete Wentz : was the creater of AIDS and is the reason as to why it is such a world spread disease. How you may ask well its simple all he had to do was "accidentally" leak pictures of his "manhood" onto the internet. Then boom everyone who has seen these pictures is sure to have contracted the AIDS virus.
• To prove aids wasn't a big deal, Chuck Norris had unprotected sex with 18 Thai Prostitutes. When waiting for his blood test results, Chuck flexed for 15 minutes straight. When the Doctor came back, Chuck told him to check the results again. The doctor was astounded. Chuck yelled "Chuck Norris doesn't get AIDS, the 18 Thai Prostitutes gets AIDS" and roundhouse kicked the doctor into a glacier.

[edit] Bush, Aids, Busch, and Black People

Many people think that President Bush hates black people, but he has put around a billion dollars into aids research proving that he may like Black Americans. “That makes one cracker.”

~ Oscar Wilde on Bush

[edit] AIDS HEALTH WARNING FROM THE SURGEON GENERAL

WARNING: AIDS may contain artificial colours and/or nut traces.

[edit] Types of AIDS

• Hearing AIDS
• AIDS
• Brian's Mom has aids.
• AIDS The Classic Case
• AIDS Gay Rape in the Ass
• AIDS in a can
• AIDS Classic
• AIDS Crispy
• Low-cal AIDS with Nutrasweet
• Original AIDS
• Volcano AIDS
• AIDS with lemon twist
• Beastly AIDS
• delAIDS (delayed effects version)
• fAIDS (disappears after a couple days)
• Diet Dr. AIDS
• LemonAIDS - "When God gives you AIDS, make LemonAIDS!"
• GatorAIDS
• KoolAIDS
• New AIDS
• PowerAIDS
• CherryAIDS
• Mountain AIDS
• Live AIDS
• FaçAIDS
• Feline AIDS
• Hair brAIDS
• McAIDS
• AIDS Babies
• AIDS on the rocks
• AIDS a la mode
• AIDS du jour
• Funky AIDS
• I Can't Believe It's AIDS
• housemAIDS
• You Want AIDS With That
• AIDS a la carte
• Chicken Fried AIDS
• Limited Edition AIDS
• KeyblAIDS
• Meter mAIDS
• stingrAIDS (killed Steve Irwin)
• MermAIDS
• The common cold
• mAIDS
• Super AIDS
• LucozAIDS
• Hearing AIDS
• Visual AIDS (contracted by Windows application developers or people giving presentations)
• 41DZ (contracted from internet message-boards)
• Air rAIDS
• MarmalAIDS
• Mr. AIDS (the one with the hat)
• TrAIDS (may be contracted when swapping one kind of aids for another)
• VistAIDS Home Basic
• VistAIDS Home Premium
• VistAIDS Business
• VistAIDS Enterprise
• VistAIDS Ultimate
• VistAIDS Starter (The crippled version of VistAIDS Home Basic contracted only in third-world countries)
• GrenAIDS
• BeyblAIDS (traded amongst little kids)
• First AIDS
• PandAIDS
• BlockAIDS
• CocaColAIDS
• Ice Cream
• CarbonAIDS
• ShAIDS
• WednesdAIDS
• Happy AIDS (Featuring Fonzie)
• "MEGA AIDS!!!!!" (kicking and screaming)(.)(.)
• RecolAIDS
• ChocolAIDS
• Thank God it's AIDS
• I can't believe it's not AIDS
• arcAIDS or ARC-AIDS
• Palpatational AIDS
• Godly AIDS
• Beastly AIDS
• "legally" AIDS
• Hand grenAIDS
• UbAIDStu (Contracted by GNOME users who prefer Ubuntu)
• UbAIDStu CE (Contracted by Christian users of Ubuntu)
• KubAIDStu (Contracted by KDE users who prefer Ubuntu)
• XubAIDStu (Contracted by Xfce users who prefer Ubuntu)
• EdubAIDStu (Contracted by elementary school students and their teachers using Ubuntu)
• UbAIDStu Studio (same as UbAIDStu, but contracted by media producers)
• MythbAIDStu (Contracted when an Ubuntu user watches network TV and records it on his or her HTPC)
• UbAIDStu Netbook Remix (Contracted by people who use small laptops similar to and including the ASUS Eee PC.)
• FedorAIDS (Contracted by Fedora Linux users, Red Hat Society members, and Indiana Jones fans)
• AIDS AIDS Revolution
• AIDSbox 360
• AIDSStation 3
• AIDSBook
• AIDSBook Pro
• AIDSBook Air
• AIDS Pro
• iAIDS
• AIDS Mini
• Fat Free AIDS
• Caffeine Free AIDS
• Reduced Sodium AIDS
• got AIDS?
• Super AIDS Bros. Brawl (formed by a battle among the most common types of AIDS)
• AidSpring
• Aids , The Ringtone
• Tree AIDS, (it's the worst kind)
• The Infection Formerly Known as AIDS
• Globo-AIDS
• Hooked On AIDS
• Deeple-Dee-AIDS
• Scrotal Aids
• AIDS-PAR-AIDS
• MasterbAIDS
• N.W.AIDS

[edit] Aids Concert

Not many people know but in late 2007, the worlds first ever AIDS concert took place. Run by the worlds older carrier of Adis. We cannot say his name incase it ruins his social life, however we do know he is a mere 43 years old.

Many bands and artist appeared at the concert to perform alterations of the songs we have all come to know so well. Being a popular anal lover himself, the host was indeed Graham Norton. He introduced the show dressed as a giant ass. The concerts running order can be found below.

U2 - Beautifull gay Robbie Williams - I'm loving anal instead. The village people - A.I.D.S High School Musical - We all love ass together. Eminem - The real slim shadey like ass

A half hour stand up with alan carr.

The guest appearance was a shock the tens of people there. Michael Jackson had flown in to gice his support and was given the Aids of the year award. His acceptance speech ran...

"Hey there. This is an honour and all but i'm not gay. Little boys just happened to be in my neverland and i tripped, a part of me entered there behindal areas. nfortuanetlly this coinsidence happened way too many times. But i will take the award and place it next to my next album Jacksons behind. Thank you all"

The concert was a huge succsess, and with all the costs and profit made the total amount that came from the newley annual aids extravaganze was £3.27. The organiser said that this money will go towards 3 condoms and 27 penny sweets.

[edit] See also

• Mama Luigi
• The Gaylord
• AIDS (Space Program)
• N.W.A.
• Chicks on Speed
• Homosexual
• Viagra
• Sir Elton John
• Stalin
• I Have AIDS, You Have AIDS Day
• Black Santa
• Your Mom
• Shandi from Playmania
• Adolf Hitler
• Pete Wentz
• Cure for AIDS

Remember kids: There is only one difference between Aids and Herpes. One is a love story and the other is a fairy tale.]]