Air Zimbabwe
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| What's that? You don't agree with His Excellency, President for Life Robert Mugabe's official policies? |
Air Zimbabwe, also known as expensive suicide and AAAARRRRGGGHHH!!!, is the national airline of Zimbabwe. Famous for having no fuel, never being able to accept Zimbabwean money and the worst most eager pilots in the world, Air Zimbabwe has successfully become the worlds most popular airline (people would least like to fly on). The motto of Air Zimbabwe is "Ndangi nedonkey muhure nbong polertyui, moo goo guy pan," which translated, means "Next time you want to hurtle through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, think of us."
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[edit] Fleet
Air Zimbabwe has a fleet of four planes (although we used to have 23, until we started letting Americans fly) all of which are made out of paper metal. These can be identified by the coloured stripes painted on the side by a Jamaican who was sobre at the time (admitedly, none such persons exist).
[edit] Notable Destinations
- Harare
- London
- Mugabegrad
- Harare
- Mugabegrad
- Harare
- Mugabegrad
- Harare
- Mugabegrad
- Harare
- Mugabegrad
- Harare
- Mugabegrad
- Harare
- Mugabegrad
- Harare
- Mugabegrad
- Harare
- Any place Grace Mugabe wants to visit
- Kariba
- Did we mention Harare and Mugabegrad?
- Cape Town (if we aren't hijacked on the way)
[edit] Welcome
Air Zimbabwe, among other things is famous for its welcome to its passengers. This is a traditional welcome used by pilots before take off:
| Good morning, Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Air Zimbabwe. This is your captain Tobias Wilcox welcoming both seated and standing passengers on board Air Zimbabwe from Gatwick, London. We apologize for the 2 week delay, it was due to bad weather and the lack of spare parts for our aging aircraft
This is flight AM126 to Harare. Landing there is not guaranteed, but we might end up somewhere in Zimbabwe. If luck is in our favour, we may even be landing on your hotel! Air Zimbabwe has an excellent safety-record. In fact our safety standards are so high that even terrorists are afraid to fly with us. It is with pleasure, I am pleased to announce that over 30% of our passengers reached their destination this year. If our engines are too noisy for you, on passenger request, we can arrange to turn them off. To make your free fall to earth pleasant and memorable, We serve complimentary PG Tipps and Wagon Wheels. For our not-so-religious passengers, we are the only airline who can help you find out if there really is a God. We regret to inform you that today's advertised in-flight movie will not be shown as we forgot to set the video recorder last night. But for our movie buffs, we found a pirate copy of The Poseidon Adventure on a car boot sale this morning. Smoking is permitted. However, if you see smoke outside the aircraft it's just the engines on fire. In order to catch important landmarks, we try to fly as close as possible for the best view. Admittedly this resulted in the deaths of 58 last week but we have since renewed our policies and no longer allow Americans over the weight of 200lbs to fly, as this tends to destabalise the aircraft. Kindly be seated, keep your seat in an upright position for take-off and fasten your seat-belt. For those of you who can't find a seat-belt, kindly fasten your own belt to the arm of your seat. If you do not have a belt or can't find a seat, do not hesitate to get in touch with a stewardess who will explain how to fasten yourself to the floor |
[edit] Meals
Once again, Air Zimbabwe is famous for the meals it provides. This promotional video, supplied by Air Zimbabwe, shows this:
[edit] Untrue Rumours
- Air Zimbabwe is NOT the worst airline in the world.
- Air Zimbabwe DOES care about it's passengers safety.
- Air Zimbabwe DOES allow furries to use it's planes.
- Air Zimbabwe DOES allow smoking (even the engines are allowed to smoke, especially when we're crashing into the Congo)
- Air Zimbabwe's planes were NOT purchased from the Russian Air Force.
- Air Zimbabwe has NOT experienced 20 crashes, The 19 that did happen have resulted in a change of policy, all Americans must be weighed before they board.
Please refer to Robert Mugabe for further information on these facts. We hope you good luck! Please fly Air Zimbabwe on your way there (hope you dont get hit by a truck on the way).
