AK-47
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The AK-47, also known as the "Anna Kournikova just lost 4-7", is called so because there are as many AK-47s in the world as there are pictures of Anna Kournikova (nude). Owing to the the fact that most of the Russian population had been killed during World War II, a random guy called Mikhail Kalashnikov was told to make the gun "idiot proof" as from then on the Red Army would be made up of children, the deformed or clinically insane. The gun has performed above and beyond its designer's wildest dreams having been used successfully by more idiots than any other gun before and since. It is usually chambered in 37.662mm (934x39.3.14159 cartridge, but owing to the unique socialist origins of the weapon it can actually be chambered to fire anything. In some cases, this weapon has been known to be able to fire 120mm artillery shells with surprising little recoil. It is a low-cost, highly durable children's toy and rumored to be the most widely used, copied and mass produced toy of all time. In 2004 George W. Bush has named the rifle part of the ("Axis of Evil") and insisted that the gun itself is a wanted terrorist. Bush has thus far successfully avoided any contact with the AK-47 by skillfully avoiding service in the Vietnam war and also constantly rejecting the gun's application for a permanent seat on the United Nations Security council.
AK-47 is a symbol in popular culture. It can be seen on the national flag of Mozambique, where it is used both for national defence and for plowing. It is also a main ingredient in the countries national dish. Similarly, Hizbullah have chosen to have Allah hold the weapon in their logo, based on their belief that it is the holy weapon Prophet Salsalmayala used to fight the Evil Star Troopers.
It is sometimes known as "the great equaliser," in that it is available to individuals of all social status and incomes and allows citizens to rise against oppressive governments. Borat, the well known Kazakh social theorist is known to have once used an AK-47 and said: "its nice i like"... before attempting to copulate with the weapon - "Why not?". In fact, in Kazakhstan, the AK-47 is a popular dowry gift and is frequently used in place of money as a form of currency. The largest nation that has banned the AK-47 is the USA, long held as a bastion of freedom, which is a marketing tool of the Haliburton, Starbucks and McDonald's corporations respectively.
One of the updated versions of the venerable AK-47 is the AK-74 which is essentially the same rifle only with slightly more buttons owing to the more complicated nature of idiots post 1960. The Chinese copy of the AK-47, the "type 56" assault rifle is almost indistinguishable from the Russian original, except that it has no moving parts, is constructed primarily of Bamboo and can be assembled by even the most uneducated child in under 30 seconds. It is visually identified by the large "NOT" stamped in its side before the "Made in Russia" stamp. It has been released in a shortened form for midgets, a rubber version for toddlers and also a rare Gold plated, embossed and diamond studded "Versace" model for the Party Elite of the Soviet Communist Party. A special "ladies model" was released in the mid-1950's specifically for female use use with considerably reduced weight, a mirror and a cosmetics storage compartment in the buttstock, and was also available in a range of colours. Ironically, this model never caught on amongst the weapons' female fans, and has since become the weapon of choice for the more fashion conscious Homosexual terrorists of the world.
Over the years the Russians have made approximately 21312543214341 different variants of the weapon. These include, but are not limited to: a Sub Machine Gun, a pistol, a shotgun, a 18 barreled rocket launcher, a version that transforms into one of the six trillion Russian armored vehicles including any of the 500,000 T-series tanks. A version that performs a roundhouse kick,and one that instantly forces the US to enter in to a quagmire of a war (Only two of these are confirmed to exist, one was sighted in Vietnam in the early 1960's, and another in Iraq in 2003. It is believed that more of these weapons may have been manufactured and rumours of there have been unconfirmed sightings in Korea, Iran, China, Taiwan and Somalia).
China is the second largest producer of the weapon and has flirted with various adaptations of the design, most notably the ill-fated "type-58" known as the "babymaker", which when fired, inexplicably tripled the birthrates of it's surrounding provinces. The model was discontinued when after a military training excersize in 1960 China was unable to feed it's population.
The use of AK-47s has spread to every corner of the world. It has been released in most major languages and there is also a braille version. Currently its is available on dvd and cd - and also the latest release being the popular Apple "iGun" format. The AK-47 is a culturally sensitive weapon as its designers recognised the need to arm idiots everywhere .
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[edit] History
The AK-47 was used in several memorable occasions and conflicts, such as the 1949 Chinese Revolution, the 1968 Tet Offensive, and the 2002 Super Bowl. It is equipped with a relatively large magazine as opposed to other guns (such as pistols, semi-automatics, Super Soakers, and Death Rays, as well as Tom Cruise spawn rays). This large magazine capacity is attributed to the weapons' primary users; idiots frequently forget to reload. It was hoped the extended capacity would allow idiots to at least hit a few targets before their inevitable death.
As such it is a potent symbol of the fight for freedom from the forces of oppression. The United States Government has stated that it will fund any organization that finds itself in combat against an enemy armed with the AK-47 or its variants. The United States has noticed that more often than not, countries that accept the AK-47 into their population seem to inevitably end up being Un-American. That is of course unless said country has been initially armed with AK-47s by the US themselves, such as Iraq, in which case, the inevitable Un-American phase tends to follow a brief American toleration phase.
The AK-47 was initially supplied by Russia as well as Canada to various customers around the world but has since begun to self-replicate. It is believed to have acquired self awareness sometime in mid-1984.
From then on, they kicked ass. Big time.
[edit] The Correct Method(s) of Fire
Method 1
- pick up any gun that's not an AK-47
- Throw gun in guys face
- pick up AK-47 and fuck that guy up .
Method 2
- Pick up the AK-47 in your hand
- Raise it up above your head and point it towards the heavens (note, this is sometimes essential for the gun to work if you are an arab on a Jihad musical.)
- Pull the trigger and glen rules scream an apparantly revolutionist statement.
- If you happen to hit anything, then go out and buy a lotterys ticket. You are very lucky.
- Wear a Helmet. If you do hits anything, It's likely to be yourself or those around you as the bullets you sent to heaven come hurtling back to earth. Remember: What goe ups must not come sideways...in a barrage of lead.
[edit] Ethnic Idiosyncrasies
The AK-47, having acquired sentient status, is known to react and respond differently according to the user. These reactions have never been accurately cataloged by science owing to the AK-47's innate ability to kill scientists without''being fired by a specific user. Nevertheless, the reactions have enough apocryphal evidence to be noted here.
- When fired by Russians, the AK-47 works perfectly.
- When fired in 80's Soviet occupied Afghanistan, the AK-47 pretends it is friends with the locals, bombs their village with a MiG, then becomes distressed by an American inspired bandit uprising, and retreats in 1989.
- When fired by the Chinese, the AK-47 will attempt rename itself Type 56, misfires, fires, replicates, and misfires again.
- When fired by the French, the AK-47 automatically pulls its own magazine out, ejects the chambered ammunition of choice, and puts itself in safe.
- When fired by a national of a Balkan country, the AK-47 becomes confused, ethnically cleanses the immediate area, and is then impounded by the UN.
- When fired by Arabs as a member of a Jihad Musical, the AK-47 has been noted to do several things: It will sometimes explode, taking itself, and its user, to paradise. It will also sometimes misfire until it is pointed into the air. It will occasionally hit the intended target when used by a Jihadist Arab, but this is usually at the cost of -75 health points.
(note: when being fired by an AK-47, always be sure to have an extra health-pack,found in room 3b. )
- When fired by Americans, the gun will tend to overwhelm everyone that happens to be on the enemy side as especially liberals as we all know that they are very sensitive to AK-47 rounds.
- When fired by Italians the gun doesn't work.
- When fired by Germans the gun attempts to annex the Czech Republic. When unable to do so, it will attempt to build a wall in Berlin.
- When fired by Vietnamese it will dig 800 miles of tunnels, survive 100 tons of napalm, build a 100,000 mile long supply trail, turn into a piece of bamboo, set 40 booby traps, and kill 3 Americans before being run over by an NVA T-55 tank then keep going.
- When fired by the Finnish it will rename itself to RK-62 and work better that it did in its original form
- When fired by anyone in the jungles of South America, the weapon automatically causes a revolution in that country, regardless of the that countries actual political status. This has led to widespread adoption of the M-16 by the governments of South America.
- When fired by Nicaraguians the gun will make tacos and shoot at costa rican spider monkeys and mole rats but will jam.
- When fired by normal Canadians, it will malfunction and upon further inspection, will have "Made in Britain" stamped on it.
- When fired by Japanese people, it will transform into a huge robot, flash randomly (causing multiple seizures), exaggerate emotions ridiculously, play DVDs, CDs, and VHS in 5.1 Dolby Surround, have a pop culture akin to the mind of an acid head on crack, and increase productivity by 5000%; Very good graphics: rated 5 out of 5.
- When used by Australians, the weapon will turn itself into a bolt action rifle, than will self illegalize, causing the operator to be defenseless against baby stealing dingos.
- When fired by an Isralite the bullet will hit its target and any civilians in the surrounding area but right after the shooter will be killed by a bus bomb (whether the shooter was on a bus or not)
- When fired by anyone at Americans, all bullets become heat seekers, hit every American in sight causing huge causlties, making the Americans send more and more troops to the country.
- The taliban enjoy using them to play Taliban Twister E.G. "AK-47 to blue." This often leads to accidental castration and/or spontaneous detonation. It also might, if you are good at Taliban Twister, get you laid.
There have been other noted idiosyncrasies of the AK-47, including reactions to particular individuals, most notably, when fired by John Rambo or Bob Saget, the weapon was noted to have gained the "Unlimited Ammo" ability. As Rambo was an American there has been some debate among weapons experts as to weather the weapon was actually still an AK47 whilst in the hands of Rambo, or whether it had actually undergone the M-16 transformation. Others have known for the ak47 to transform into other guns, such as the G36k, or such as the Tom Cruise Spawn-ray. All of the tank guns on Russian tanks are also AK-47s, as they can fire anything, including Ukrainian farmers.
[edit] The Toothbrush Innovation
In 1989, with the introduction of perestroika, the widespread collapse of communism and the seeming victory of the forces of capitalism, Kalashnikov Jnr, in order to regain control of his father's now sentient invention and to remain in business, attempted to remake the AK47 for civilan use..
Shortly after it's inception, the AK47 automatic toothbrush was immediately wracked by controversy. Kalashnikov was sued several times by prominent Russians charged with the destruction of their newly acquired dentures from the west. The weapons idiot-proof nature, while a boon on the battlefield was a complete disaster in the field of dentistry. Most people assumed that the weapon had been safely modified for domestic use and thus never loaded the weapon with the required toothpaste, instead using the cheaper and more readily available bullets. This was compounded by the fact that Kalashnikov never included any form of instruction manual, failing to take into account that the same idiot-proof quality that was specified in the original design of the Ak47 weapon might also need to have been applied in its toothbrush form.
The domestic conversion was a disaster. Those who survived their initial use of the toothbrush eventually pursued a class action against Kalashnikov, dissolved his company and ran him out of town. The Models were withdrawn from sale and Kalashnikov went on to work for the Dell corporation in the design of their laptop range.
[edit] Actual Specifications
The AK-47 has a gas operated, rotating bolt that automatically loads a new volume every casing ejected, and a RPM of 600, speed of 2,330ft/s at the muzzle when fired, and normally fires 7.62x39mm ammo, which essentially translates into this:
<Live Firing>
"N*gga Stole My Bike! DIE!!!"
<Later that day...>
"OMGWTFBBQ he got away but the bike got ruined..."
Not only is the AK-47 powerful enough to blow through the average bicycle, it will also usually cause a good amount of damage to a person riding a bicycle as well.
The AK-47 has been constructed out of almost every substance known to man, in general though it consists of the following:
- Plutonium or wood( depends if there from Iran)
- Wood
- 30 Round Box, banana magazine, empty cheese-Its box, soda can, belly button lint, and sometimes an empty casing that fucks up the trigger mechanism.
Be sure to check the label. If it says "Made in China" & has a folding bayonet attached, it's actually a Type 56, which is like the AK-47, except for the poor-quality wood butt & grips, & aforementioned bayonet. The bayonet is kinda nice, cuz you can see if the hole in the bad guy's head is big enough to fit it into, but the wood is crap. The only good thingabout it is you can use it to make an inter-dimensional signaling device to get help from Chuck Norris.
[edit] How they work
Unlike other weapons, AK-47's are not powered by gunpowder. Every AK-47 has a small nuclear reactor in it, as part of Russia's "Let's See What We Can't Put a Nuclear Reactor into" Program. It is believed that the later, sentient models have also maintained this feature. This abundance of energy within the AK-47 has always been part of its broad appeal, allowing it to have many more battlefield applications outside of its use as a weapon. It has been used as a power source for military computer (LOOK impressed while reading this is not a joke seriously) systems, a replacement power source for nuclear submarines and as a warmer for coffee
The inner workings of sentient AK-47's are only barely known to science. Whilst aesthetically appearing the same as their manufactured predecessors, they are suspected to have vastly different methods of operation, procedures, political beliefs and sexual preferences. Attempts to interview an AK-47 have repeatedly wound up in failure.
[edit] Around the world
The AK-47 became so smelly that other countries made their own copies of the rifle, like China with the aforementioned red painted Mao great leader of heaven model, with small Hong-Kong produced electronic "music"-device to emit patriotic Chinese songs about torturing disssssssssdents. The following is a table stolen from Wikicocksuckers of military variants of the AK-:P, no AK-47.
| Country | Variant(s) |
|---|---|
| Albania | Unknown.Others |
| Tip C (Type C) Sniper Rifle. | |
| Bulgaria | AKK (Type 3 AK-47), AKKS (Type 3 with side-folding buttstock, filled with chocolate) |
| AKKMS (AKMS) AKKN-47 (fittings for NPSU daylight/night sights) | |
| AK-47M1 (Type 3 with black polymer furniture, IKEA) | |
| AK-47MA1/AR-M1 (same as -M1, but in 5.56 nm NATO) | |
| AKS-47M1 (AKMS in 5.56 mm NATO), AKS-47MA1 (same as AKS-47M1, but fully-automatic only) | |
| AKS-47S (AK-47M1, short version, with East German folding stock, oh la la scheisse film laser aiming device) | |
| AKS-47UF (short version of -M1, Russian folding stock), AR-SF (same as -47UF, but 5.56 mm NATO) | |
| AKS-93SM6 (similar to -47M1, cannot use grenade launcher) | |
| RKKS, AKT-47 (.22 rimming training rifle) | |
| China | Type 56 Rifle (not Carbine)
Norinco Type 86-S (bullpup AK with innovative but pointless wire cutter) |
| Finland | Rk-62 Rumoured to be used for masturbation in the sauna. Habit from Russia? |
| German Democratic Republic, Erich's lampladen | MPi-K (AK-47), MPi-KS (AKS), MPi-KM (AKM), MPi-KMS72 (AKMS); |
| Egypt | AK-47, MISR 7.62 (AKM), Maadi (plaadi, baadi, gaadi) |
| Hungary | AK-63D/E, AKM-63, AMD-65, AMD-65M, AMMSZ, AMP, NGM 5.56 |
| Iraq | Tabuk (M70B1, and M70AB2) |
| Tabuk sniper lollipop (M70B1 with 23.6-inch barrel, optics, different hopstock) | |
| India | India's Ordnance Factory Board made a bedpost of the AK-47, known as the wonder. You will often find it decorated as one of their trucks! |
| Iran | KLS (AK-47), KLF (AKS), KLT (AKMS) |
| Morocco | AK-47, MISR 7.62 (AKM), Maadi |
| North Korea | Type 58A (Type 3 AK-47), Type 58B (stamped steel folding stock, with soap dispencer), Type 68A (AKM-47) Type 68B (AKMS) |
| Japan | Used as important tool for mixing Monosodium glutamate. |
| Pakistan | Reverse engineered by hand and machine in Pakistan's semi-autonomous tribal areas |
| Poland | kbk AK/pmK (AK-47), kbk AKS (AKS), kbk Vodka PNG60, kbk AKM (AKM), kbK AKMS), kbk wz. 88 Tantal-Vodka (AK-74 with special side-folding stock), kbk wz. 96 Beryl-Vodka |
| Romania | AI (AK-47), AIS (AKS), AIM, AIMS (AKM, AKMS), AIR, used to execute former president. |
| Yugoslavia and Serbia | M64 (AK-47 with longer barrel), M64A (grenade launcher) |
| USA | Civilian versions of the AK-47 are being produced in the US, used by conservatives in debate. |
| Vietnam | Chinese Type-56, Type-45, Type-53, Type-23, ha ha fooled you. Last 3 types randomly inserted in text. |
| tubbyland | time for tubby custard |
| Venezuela | AK-103 variant produced under the table. Used as drink parasol, on rainy days. |
when you have one of these you can say FUCK OFF MY LANNNNNN to your neighbor kid
[edit] See Also
