Alan Hansen
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Alan Hansen, or "Not quite as rubbish as the other pundits" is a miserable git who is sometimes also a football pundit for the BBC. Hansen was apparently born in Scotland many moons ago, but it has later been confirmed that it was just the Scottish part of England. He had a marvellous footballing career for the club he supported as a child known locally as Luverpoool, and also part time for third division side Scotland, after it was confirmed he was too poor to play for England.
The most recent sighting of Alan Hansen was in England. As an avid supporter of English football, Hansen is a regular pundit on Match Of The Day, both for the Premiership and internationals. So far, nobody has been intelligent enough to work out why. Hansen spends most of his free time with fellow Englishman Mark Lawrenson, chatting about Sunday roasts and cricket. Sometimes he also talks about defenders in football, and his bedroom wall is littered with posters of his role model, England captain John "absolutely sensational" Terry and of his lovechild, Stevie "fook me worra pass" Gerrard.
[edit] Rumours
The first sightings of Hansen were said to be around 37AD, when he invented football. It is said that he is such a football genius, his brain is the shape of a football. Nowadays the person people think is the one and only Hansen, is actually robot, hence why he never gets older, and why he always says the same thing (Liverpool and Chelsea defending sensational, the rest appalling). Hansen was built by Gary Lineker, very poorly. Evidence of Lineker's care and consideration for his good friend the robot still exists in his forehead, when Lineker decided to build him with an axe. To this day the honest Lineker tells him it was the last stage in assembling The Hansenator v.1.0 together before he awoke, with a needle and some stitches. Alan is a well known hater of foreigners and blames Arsenal F.C. for England "How did we lose" National teams downfall, the price of footballers and war.
Hansen is president of the Scottish Owl Preservation Society (SOPS) and as a player once missed a major football tournament due to owl related injuries (see Trivia). It has been rumoured Hansen's obsessional owl-fancying tendencies have led to spells of therapy in the Sporting Chance Clinic. Hansen himself has always refused to comment publicly on such rumours. However rumours persist of a set of polaroid snaps of an inebriated Hansen in 'compromising positions' with Tawny and Barn Owls taken at the BBC's christmas party 2004.
It is also reported that Alan Hansen had sex with a donkey. A claim in which he has strongly denied, as it was actually a horse.
[edit] Trivia
- Hansen spent his formative years on the Shetland Islands training goats to swim underwater.
- Hansen missed the 1974 World Cup Finals after dislocating his left ear lobe whilst masturbating owls on his farm in Stirlingshire.
- Hansen is a fucking wanker
- Hansen CAN believe it's not butter.
- Hansen has said the phrase 'dreadful defending' over 2.5 quadrillion million times.
- Hansen is the nephew of former Scotland boss Berti Vogts
- Steven Gerrard is Alan Hansen's illegitimate love child. Gerrard's mother was president of the Merseyside Owl Observation Society of Ellesmere (MOOSE). Gerrard himself is rumoured to have been conceived after a late night fumble in a bird hide on the outskirts of Crosby during Hansen's playing days at Cesspoool.
- Alan had a short lived acting career playing childrens TV character Captain Scarlet.
- Is in fact a former Professional Human Stress-Ball, taking abuse from all people on the globe, except from his daughter, who died of Herpes at the age of 14.
