Alan Partridge

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“I'm Alan Partridge”

~ Alan Partridge on being Alan Partridge

“You've popped out again”

~ Lynn on the unwelcome appearance of Alan's testicles

“The boys are back in the barracks”

~ Alan Partridge on returning his genitals to the correct position

“Life goes on. I don't spose anyone's got a battery for an Ericsson?”

~ Alan Partridge on the death of his mother

Alan regularly received head from his co-presenters

Alan A-Haaa Partridge (b. 1804 Norwich, England) is a radio presenter and world famous gay porn star for his role in Blowing me Blowing You. He was also the sports correspondent in the BBC's flagship news programme The Day Today until the shocking revelation of his sordid appearance in the porn industry came to light.

Since then Alan continued to bumble his way through life until arriving on a career commentating on sports for BBC Radio Norwich. However his employment there terminated recently after remarks he made during the Norwich vs Arsechester match that offended sufferers of the fatal Traction Engine Foot Syndrome. Although Partridge tried suggesting this he was paying Norwich centre half Terry O'Cuntingthorpe a compliment by saying he had a foot like a traction engine, he was instantly sacked.

[edit] His pathetic excuse for a life

Partridge would often boast about the size of his cock to random strangers

Alan lives with his slave Lynn in a Travellodge in Norwich. The two are not an item, and intend to keep the relationship purely professional, although Partridge has pulled one off over her a few times.

He also has a male slave, Geordie Michael (not to be confused with George Michael), who he uses to sit on his cornish pasties to keep them warm.

When not masturbating to Playgirl, Partridge spends his time talking into a microphone for Radio Norwich, the UK's least-listened-to radio station. The point of this is unclear, but apparently someone somewhere gives a shit (I doubt it).

As for friends, Partridge doesn't really have any, mostly just people who pretend to like him in order to progress their own career. Even his own family avoid contact with him at all costs.

But he did once have something vaguely resembling a friendship with Bill Oddie. However this was short-lived, and the 'friendship' ended after Oddie invited Alan to go bird-watching (Partridge assumed they were going to be checking out the talent at the local nightspot, and was mortified to find out they were just going to look at some sparrows and that. He was bored shitless.)

[edit] Career

Alan's pathetic career has only spanned 2 years, and already he is universally hated. Michael Parkinson reportedly wants him to die so he can 'laugh and piss on his grave'.

However people actually did give a shit about him once and he is perhaps most famous for his long-running chat-show Not Knowing Either Of Us where he invited guests on to attempt to get along with them but failed miserably.

[edit] As if you give a flying toss, here are some facts

Alan about to pounce upon and rape his latest victim

• In Alan's top drawer are various copies of Pregnant and Milking and Grannies Go Wild, although they have now been rendered unreadable due to the pages having been stuck together by an unknown fluid.

• His hobbies include driving blindfolded, destroying people's lives and raping the elderly (see right)

• 'Alan Partridge' is an anagram of Anal Ridge Trap, a popular torture device used for securing a victim by the anus in the Middle Ages.

• Absolutely, stubbornly refuses to go to the toilet alone. Working in the entertainment business has had such a profound impact on Alan's life that he feels much more comfortable and relaxed when in the company of an audience, and as such he arrogantly insists on sharing his toilet trips with a number of polite but uncomfortable people.

• Once attempted to use a Corby Trouser Press as a sexual aid, with hilariously painful results.

• Becomes instantly aroused at the mere mention of the pedestrianization of Norwich City Centre.

• Has only one pair of underwear, a leather thong with a tigers face on it.

• Regularly forces random members of the public to eat his goal.

• Has never slept.

• Reproduces asexually.

• He was once the unknowing receipient of one up the bum from Graham Norton after being drugged with Rohypnol and buggered senseless.