Alan Sugar
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Sir Alan "YOU"RE BLOODY FIRED" Sugar, was officially brought up in the harsh environment of a cardboard box in grimey old "hard life" East London, he grew fond of firing things at an early age. His first recorded firing is of his secondary school Biology teacher, who "weren't doing the 'huck and phooey' properly" to quote Sir Alan. He managed, like all adept Jews, to invest the few coins he found on in and around his box so wisely, that he grew into a multi millionaire in exactly 0.004564 seconds (a little shorter than overnight). Obviously Alan was very happy at this, he had so much firing power, actually about 45.6 million Fire/S.
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[edit] Business
His first company, Amstrad made black boxes, no nothing special, just actual black boxes that do nothing but exist annoyingly. Alan is not actually known for anything else, he has a lot of companies that none of us really care about, maybe an electronic back scrubber or something hell I don't fucking know. Yeah, most people question what the fuck his company actually does, except from sitting around looking ugly.
[edit] Firing
Sir Alan Sugar has fired over 48 million persons, abstract thoughts, ideas, possible possibilities, realities and other seemingly infireable objects, like patience for example, compare to Steve Ballmer who fucking kills (tm) similar things to Sir Alan, it is actually more likely to get fired by Alan Sugar than the likelihood that 1+1, when worked out, will return the answer 2. Alan has attempted to fire, amongst other things:
- The Beatles "They can't doozey right."
- Steve Jobs(CEO of Apple)-"He ain't Jewish, but he's rich, that ain't the beezy mcpheezy"
- Sex-"It don't fit into my business plans, too little schmazz."
- Her Majesty The Queen of England, Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland, Narnia and the dominions across the seas-"She ain't got the pizazz to open our footie tournaments."
- Time- "It doesn't get to the point quickly, can't 'ave any of that flanneling around."
- Tomorrow- "It has never lived up to it's promise of arriving on time! In fact, since i hired it to fire time for me because i was busy firing a computer for taking more than 7 seconds to load up, It has never arrived at all. It was an obvious decision"
- God- "He's cocked up with the world, don't wan't someone like him frolicking in my company."
- Oscar Wilde- "I don't like his quotes"
- Antartica- "Very in-continent"
- Himself- "If Sir Alan Does'nt like it then tough"
In recent times, a template was made up to help with the backlog of people on Sir Alan's 'Fire' list:
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"I don't like, liars, cheats, bullshitters, arse lickers, cock suckers, or mother fuckers."
[edit] Firing vs. Fucking Killing
Warning, this section might contain too many clichés
Alan is interlocked with rival Steve Ballmer in eternal battle, Firing vs. Fucking Killing™, basically they try to outdo each other with what they can affect. One battle remembered is over the verb "pity". Steve first vowed to Fucking Kill it, but Sir Alan managed to use his firing powers just before the chair throwing started, rendering Steve Ballmer's eye rays™ harmless. This battle lasted for over 12 seconds, until Mr T broke up the fight "I pity the foo' who would try and wipe pity off the dictionary".
Both people strive to reach the ultimate goal, firing/fucking killing™ existance, until then they both do what they do best to everyone they can get hold of, one day, they'll get you...
[edit] Apprentice & Cockney slang
Basically Sir Alan decided to air on the BBC the video footage of his 'firing sessions', where he talks to accomplished business persons in cockney slang for 2 hours, gradually causing them to get nervous breakdowns and giving up or 'getting fired' as he likes to call it. In those videos alone, he has been known to have coined at least 12 million cockney words, such as 'schtancker' and 'blinkinin'. Although he has fired 99.9% of these for being "cliched and old, lost its zoocha".
“ok Zoocha, YOU'RE FIRED!'”
~ Alan Sugar
[edit] Cloning Facility
Alan Sugar owns a large cloning facility underneath the galapagos islands and has a different clone present the apprentice every week. The only way to distinguish an Alan Sugar Clone from alan Sugar is the fact that the clone have three nipple where sir Alan Sugar has four.
[edit] Trivia
- Alan Sugar is officially sexier than David Baddiel
- Alan Sugar was recently discovered to be Princess Diana in disguise.
- The Stig is the only person that can fire Sugar
- By 2008, The only people Sir Alan Sugar will not have fired will be The Stig and a
lazy snobhardworking individual named Sir Alan Sugar - Alan Sugar is The Worst.
- Despite being called Alan Sugar, he isn't actually very sweet at all.
- On February 8 1983 he was kidnapped by masked gunmen allegedly from the IRA who.............no wait, that was Shergar.
- You're fired
- The Sword Soul Edge once tried to absorb Alan Sugar's soul, but was not able to find it due to it not existing, so it went back to make fun of Siegfried's phoenix feathers.
- Alan Sugar owns a large cloning facility underneth the bulk of the gallapagos islands. He currently has clones all over the world.
- Alan Sugar only got knighted because he threatened to fire the Queen.
- Alan Sugar is the only person who can tell Ross Kemp to "shut it, you slag!".
