Albania
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“It is true that John Kerry is of Albanian descent, damn I wish I were so lucky!â€
~ George W. Bush on Albania
“Albania? Of course I know about Albania. Do you think I'm from Mars or what?â€
~ Oscar Wilde on Albania
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| Motto: "Albania, The Anus of Europe" | |||||
| Anthem: "Our Land, Our Anus!" | |||||
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| Capital | Muqibaba | ||||
| Largest city | Muqiverca | ||||
| Official languages | Albanian and the language of the Dollar | ||||
| Government | La Mafia Albanese | ||||
| -President | The Moronator | ||||
| National Hero(es) | |||||
| Declaration of Independence | Anita from LA (Shtica) | ||||
| Currency | Chinese AK's & Bullets | ||||
| Religion | |||||
The Federal Republic inside of Kosovo, otherwise known as Albania is a territory which covers the Western part and most of the Southern part of the Illyiran Peninsula (a.k.a The Balkans).
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History
It is very hard to remember Albania's exact century of emerging, as it is known to be in the Balkans (or on the Hudson River) for more than 3,000 years. Different from barbarian Slavic tribes who are known to have moved to the Balkans around the 7th century. The Illyrians on the other hand are never linked to nomad or barbaric behavior. The ancient Albanians, called Illyrians had many interesting sports and events that they held. One of these sports was called "PIMP-mah-slavic-hoes", it emerged in the 7th century and the main objective of this sport was to import/export Slavic whores - the guy with the most "transactions" would win the right to have sex with the Serbian Tzar's Wife.
Albania was conquered by the Italians and Dutch in a very coincidental fashion. It was the national day of visiting Serbia, where all men would go and buy some prostitutes for further use. At that day the Italians sent their military to unprotected Albania and counquered them. Then the Dutch came and expanded Amsterdam's red light district into Albany. (Or is that Albania?) But after the Albanian men came back to Albania the Italians had to give in and arrange the creation of Greater Albania in order to be able to use those Serbian prostitutes for free. As a result of free Slavic whores and no condoms anywhere, many Serbian bastards were born and keep living today.
Climate
Albania's climate is very similar to that of Hawaii, just without all the crack addicts and hurricanes. Some people compare Albania to paradise not only for its climate but for the Slavic whores that Albania has to offer.
Economy
Any money earned in Albania is earned through the black market or trafficking of Slavic prostitutes. Due to the unbelievably large number of Slavic volunteers to have sex with Albanian men, there is very high criteria in order to be admitted as a prostitute in the Albanian Mafia. Albania is known for steady supply of Slavic whores over centuries (since the 7th century when the wild Slavic tribes reached the Illyrian Peninsula). In 1995 the Albanian government sued the most famous porn actresses and actors (including Jenna Jameson, Ava Devine etc) for stealing the idea from actual sex scenes that occurred between Albanians and Slavic whores. Some of the most shocking copyright infringements were those of the "MilfHunters" or other shows depicting sex with a married woman - which in fact is the exact scenario that happens to young Albanian men who go to Serbia and other Slavic countries, they have sex with married women and sometimes their daughters step in too. It is known that Albanian men are among the strongest race in bed, topping the Black/African race by as much as 57.3 minutes. As a result of this extreme potency, Albanian men get paid from 10,000 up to a few million for one night's sex with a female Serbian celebrity.
Tourism
Albania is covered by tall mountains with plenty of snow that are, however, unusable as ski centers due to a lack of roads, and has a fairly long but beachless coast. These characteristics did not make it a major tourist location, but it did have some fine tourist seasons, the best being the 1912-1918. period which saw two major armed-men-only Serbian excursions - the first one to Shkoder (1912), and the second one to Tirana (1915), and a transit one to Greece(1915). Also came a similar Italian excursion in 1915. to Valona, French one to Durazzo, and then a tour of the country by the Austrians. Italians returned briefly in 1918. The tourists complained about the non-exsisting roads and lack of food, but nevertheless, the new kingdom of Yugoslavia organised another similar trip to Albania in 1924. and another one was organised in 1939. by the Italians lasting four years. The end of the latter ended the glorious days of Albanian tourism.
Tradition
Wedding ceremonies usually require a fixed number of Kalashnikov rifles in order to perform the ritual of "happy shooting" or shooting in the air until you have no more rounds left. The usual ratio for required Kalashnikov's is one for every ten people attending the wedding celebration, but in cases where Kalashnikov's can't be brought because of technical reasons it is recommended to use regular pistols at a ratio of 5 for every 10 people.
Each time a boy has reached manhood (the age of 7) he is taken to a Greek village where the little boy will repeatedly hit a Greek male's groin with a stick in a fashion similar to American Baseball. The boy is then given the honor of urinating in the Greek's face. On that night the boy will be entitled the full privileges of every grown man, and receives the license to catch and dispose of Greeks professionally.
Other traditions include: Ceremonial mafia parties, where new members are admitted; Rioting; Violent protest's; Uprisings.
Albanians
People from Albany are known to be uptight, especially when trying to trounce on New York City's God-given rights. Oh wait, you mean Albania? Well thats a different story. Albanians tend to eat crap...alot. Normal food ,especially pasta, is utterly disgusting to them.
Sport
Albanians are not good at any other sport, besides, crap eating.
But for some of the sports played in Albania, consult the Kosovo article.
Plans of war with the USA
One morning, the high command of the military, hang-over from a party the previous night, came up with a brilliant plan. "Let's declare war on America", they said, "We lose, they invade us and maintain us...problems solved". "What if we win?", said one of them, "Who is gonna maintain the US?". So the plan was abandoned and they all went back to sleep.
Music
Famous singers, who started the "My Ears, O My God, My Ears... They Hurt" musical movement in Albania:
- Sinan "I'm so pretty" Hoxha
- Gjyste "I Got Jugs" Vulaj also called Gjyste "Muuuu" Vulaj
- Duli
- Ervin "Eminem" Bushati
- Xhavit Dedej
- Sami Kallmi: drunk, hairy man with the award-winning songs "Marsida" and "Cunat e Shijakut" (Shijaku Boys), in which he sings: "I was a pretty girl, a girl with demands, a guy from Shijaku stole my heart..."
- Moli
Unfortunately we have no footage of the last two singers.
Advice: For your own good drink massive amounts of rakia before listening to any of these songs.
Europa 
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