Alchemy
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Did you mean Chemistry?
 | This article is complete, irredeemable Double Ristretto Venti Half-Soy Nonfat Decaf Organic Chocolate Brownie Iced Vanilla Double-Shot Gingerbread Frappuccino Extra Hot With Foam Whipped Cream Upside Down Double Blended, One Sweet'N Low and One Nutrasweet, and Ice. The submitter is Bat Fuck Insane, and lolls at the spleen. If you attempt to castrate this, you will most obnoxiously execrate Bat Fuck Insane yourself. Or the submitter will burn your spoon!!!!!! |
“The single most important science that ever exploded a test tube on our green earth is molecular biology... Oh, I mean Alchemy, heh heh.”
~ Oscar Wilde on Alchemy
Alchemy: The "science" of turning men (and, possibly, a few women) named "Al" into... GOOOOLD! In most instances, this involves arbitrarily mixing chemicals and hoping for the best.
Contents |
[edit] History
Alchemy was discovered by Anonymous, the greatest author of our time, when he found that, upon dipping people into molten gold, four things happened:
- They died
- They were covered in molten gold
- They were quite shiny after a quick buffer
- They were a big hit at the local market
Naturally, being a robot, Anonymous thought that that was really cool. So he suffocated all of his friends in molten gold. He soon found something very interesting:
- From: Why all my Friends are Dead by Anonymous: "...it is, with much excitement, that I found that, not only had anybody whose name was Al not die, but that they turned into super-villains or whales. The whales, of course, I dynamited, because they suck, but the other guys... I dynamited. They sucked too. Oh, my life sucks."
So that was the big challenge, Anonymous had to figure out how to prevent people named Al from turning into whales or super-villains when dipped in gold.
Unfortunately, Anonymous died of a cracker overdose next Tuesday ago.
So the Alchemy torch fell to Anonymous' son, Unknown. Unknown wrote a lot of books, but they were all about why Linux is better then Windows, and had nothing to do with alchemy. He died of a killer goldfish attack at the age of 42, and was never available as a ghost later.
Sadly, the sum of Unknown's work on alchemy is stated, in total, here:
"Duuuuuuuude. Alchemy. lol"
Unknown HAD NO SON. Except for his son, John Doe, who made the most progress on alchemy ever:
- From: The Bastard Cottonballs by John Doe: "It is the sum of my entire experience and body of experimentation that, when Al-s are suffocated in gold, they turn into whales and super-villains, not because of the gold, but because, people named Al always turn into Whales and super-villains when they die. So, in conclusion, everything my father and grandfather worked on is useless, and I'm broke. Please send money."
John Doe starved to death later that week, his only worldly possessions being a full fridge and a copy of People Magazine. Makes you think.
[edit] The Philosopher's stone
The legendary and real artifact sought to change Al into gold was destroyed forever when a crazy man with poor vision mistook it for the Norse god Hel and threw it over a cliff.
It was lost forever... until last Wednesday.
Despite the original purpose of the philosophers stone being unknown, the biography of the historical alchemist Edward Elric, who also enjoys wearing pretty frilly dresses for his 267 husbands (one of which is a bisexual lightbulb palmtree), reveals that it may have something to do with severe cruelty to children and animals as well as confering the ability to avoid lawsuits for vandalism. Or it's used for the damned to become human and people to get what they want (not like money) without equivalency.
...Nah, that's stupid, the first one's probably it.
[edit] The War for the PS
At one point, Edward Elric actually had the stone in his pocket. In a totally different dimension, however, in a certain poorly named castle, Harry Potter, being the little prick that he was, used a trans-dimensional portal (stupidly mistaking it for a mirror), and plucked it out of Ed's pocket, and placed it in his own. Every FMA fanboy was pissed. Meanwhile, in the anime zone, Edward and Alphonse Elric were able to re-open the bastard portal, only to discover that the stone had been stolen by some creepy old guy who liked to dress in purple robes. In their anger, they created a giant-ass snake, which scared the living shit out of anyone who looked into its eyes. Many believe that the reason the people were scared shitless was because the snake had some magical power in its eyes. Well that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard, because what really terrified the victims was the burning anger of a thousand fanboys. The plan to kill everyone in the castle was foiled by that fag Harry Potter again, although he seemed to have no idea what he was doing, since he stabbed a book like a retard. However, that book was filled with Ed's favorite porn shots of his girlfriend Winry Rockbell, so he became pissed again, and in his anger killed the snake. Harry Potter was still blamed. Edward tried to attack the situation at a different angle, and decided to hide himself in a large row of bushes until Harry came past, then ambush him. Sadly, Harry was captured by a devil-worshiping cult of men who worshiped a bald guy with a lisp first. The fanboys were so pissed, that their anger focused intensely at the exact same point as Harry and the gay bald man pointed their wooden dildos at each other, and many mistook this as magical energy. The monkeys were not amused. In the end, the fanboys found a way into Harry world and joined forces with Ed to kill the little bastard. They went around wearing dark hoods, but unfortunately this started a gang war with a similar group called the Death Eaters, who were lead by the Gay Bald Guy. The fanboys won. Unfortunately, Harry's bicurious friend Ronald hid him in his own house, where the two had under-age sex with the class slut, Hermione Granger. Oh, and Harry had intercourse with Ron's sister, Ginny, and at first Ron was pissed, but then he joined in and found it quite enjoyable. Ed was disgusted with the customs of the youth, and vowed to destroy them. When the trio went back to school, Ed and his army of fanboys surrounded the school and demanded Potter. Instead the little snot got past them and, for reasons unknown and probably best left that way, confronted the Gay Bald Guy in the woods with the remnants of his gang. Also, the school attacked the fanboy army, and crippled them. Harry then proceeded to murder the Gay Bald Guy, which at the time had nothing to do with the current situation. In the end, Ed lost an arm and a leg in the battle, and when he returned to his timeline, lost all memory of the war and the events leading up to it, leading him to believe that his stupid alchemy shit went wrong and blew off his arm and leg. This led him to believe that the only way he'd be able to get his original body back was to find the philosophers stone, and he set out on a completely pointless journey to find it, and along the way people would mess with him by performing lame-ass magic tricks, and claiming that they were using the power of the stone. It should also be noted that Ed and Al were shocked to find out that Al was a talking piece of armor. Actually, he had always been that way. Their mothers delivery was the most painful one in history.
[edit] Effects of alchemy
Despite being the most important science ever, alchemy had no identifiable effects on humanity, culture, or anything. Except Al. All Al's are whales and motlen gold super-villans.
[edit] The Rebirth of Alchemy...
It's rebirth can be anytime, if anyone can try doing alchemy successfully. If Ra can't do it, no-one can. Well, apart from the obvious.
[edit] Alchemical Substances
- Aqua Regia: This "royal water" is the only alchemical substance known to dissolve the "royal metal" - gold. For this reason, it was the most feared substance known to alchemists.
- Lyme Regis: The salt resulting from the action of Aqua Regia on limestone.
- Antimony: Debt.
- Fulminating gold: Gold that explodes. A common gag gift among alchemists.
- Cinnabar: A delicious baked treat.
- Brimstone: Also known as sulphur. Smells like bad eggs. The preferred snack of the Goth.
- Mercurius Praecipitatus: Everyone knows what this is. I won't bother explaining it.
- Quicklime: Nobody knows what this is, because it's too quick to observe. Scientists have developed a hypothesis that it might be some kind of lime.
- Objectium: An uncommon red metal, occasionally found in the air vents of Los Angeles courtrooms. Experts hypothesize that it gives attorneys the ability to find contradictions in the statements of witnesses, as well as the ability to have really, really spiky hair. Its variants include Igiarium, Mattaium, and Kuraeium.
- Gold: A mostly worthless malleable metal with a hideous yellow colour. However, it's quite tasty in bars.
- Green: OMG Obscure Brit-com reference lol!
- Dragon's blood: The red sap of the Dracaena draco tree, sold to gullible alchemists who never grew out of believing in dragons. Ha ha!
- Butter of tin: Kind of like a tin of butter, but the other way around. Goes great on Cinnabar.
- Orpiment: A yellow pigment containing arsenic. Commonly used for delicious yellow fingerpaint in kindergarten. Named after a town in Kent.
- Pure Gold: Looks like regular gold, but will annoy you by bragging about how they don't want to have sex, would never even think about so much as looking at a drug, and their tendency to vote straight-ticket Republican.
- Miso Hornie: Rare soup, straight from Japan.
- Ars Regia: Royal pain in the arse. See: Aleister Crowley.
- Cheese: Cheese is a kind of meat, a tasty yellow beef
- Marsh Vapor: This stuff doesn't really come from marshes. Trust me, you're better off not asking where it really comes from.
- Copper Glance: A suspicious ore that knows you must have done something. Your best bet is to act as casual as possible in its presence, and slowly yet naturally get out of there without bringing too much attention to yourself.
- Manganese: A substance commonly used by Japanese alchemists. Characterized with overly large eyes and diminished noses. Nerds get really annoyed when you refer to it as a 'comic book' and it is a tremendous amount of fun to do this.
- Realgar: Red ore of arsenic. Named for the fact that it actually exists.
- Fakegar: Invisible pink ore of arsenic. Named for the fact that alchemists kept losing it, and so, out of frustration, decided to declare it nonexistent.
- Bassium: Bassium is a pink metal that is named after a Annoying class mate. it is said to be radioactive but no one has ever Confirmed this theory.
[edit] Alchemical Formulae
Alchemy uses several formulae. This is placeholder text.
1 gallon of blood + 1 pinch story + (2 explosions/minute) = Michael Bay
(8 unlikely heroes + 1 effeminate villain + tedious dialouge + deus ex machina)/50 hours = Final Fantasy
my mate kyle, simmered at room temperature for 30 years + a university course = stephen fry
3 cups of water + a living bulldog = a wet dog
1 Bullet + 1 Gun + 2 people you dont like = A dilema
1 virgin birth + a kick ass haircut = Chuck Norris
[edit] Planetary Metals
Several metals used in Alchemy were associated with planets, due to the fact that those planets are made entirely of their respective metals.
-
Silver (Sailor Moon)
-
Quicksilver (Neal Stephenson, ISBN 0380977427)
-
Copper (David Bowie)
-
Gold (the Sun, page 3)
-
Iron (Mars)
-
Transvestium aka kinky (2003 UB313)
-
Tin (Jupiter)
-
Lead (Saturn)
-
Plutonium (Pluto)
-
Sand (Tatooine)
-
Kryptonite (Krypton)
