Aldi
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Aldi was a German corporation originally designed to sell portable garbage cans and ecstasy to children attending school camps.
Today Aldi is an American icon with its 0.5 stores per person, for each and every person on the globe. They promote reasonably priced discount grocery products at the lowest possible quality.
The quality of Aldi products are about as good as the current Queen of England will be at basketball in the year 2036. If you ever see an Aldi store, know that they are evil and avoid at all costs (even if the costs are low) you would be better off shopping from my grandmothers garbage than buy from those stingy German aristocrats.
If you do decide to venture into the devils lair, I would strongly suggest steering clear of the chocolate. It is to compound chocolate, what compound chocolate is to non-compound chocolate.
Contents |
[edit] The Aldi Song
This song was written for an Aldi advertising campaign highlighting the 'money-saving' features of their store. Fortunately for the world, the campaign failed.
Aldi!
We're so cheap we are gay and for your shopping we will pay(x3)
We don't even pack your bags for you,
we don't have brands like the others do!
Aldi!
We save money (x3)
We're so weird that it's not even funny,
We got weird ways to take your money!!!! (at this point a man with an Aldi Store Manager badge is seen stealing a 20 cent coin from the pocket of a 5 year old)
Aldi,
We've got no shelves, no shelves,
All we have are boxes for you,
The cheapos take em, why don't you?
(loud) SHOP AT ALDI!
[edit] Golden Power
See: Golden Power downstairs
[edit] See also
[edit] Beware
You got to pay extra for plastic bags. So if you want to be really cheap, bring in your own bag, or use the cardboard cartons they have. It is better for the environment, unlike other grocery stores that give out non biodegradable bags that end up clogging up poor dolphins throats.
[edit] Popular Aldi Brands
Aldi are so fucking cheap that they cannot afford to purchase real food for their consumers. This is a disappointment for all consumers as they exchange their hard earned giros for goods and services. Below is a list of what you can expect to purchase at Aldi, complete with its mainstream counterpart and a small description of what ingredients are contained.
- Jive - Twix
JIVE is a copy of the popular chocolate bar Twix. Whereas a Twix is filled with yummy chocolate, biscuit and caramel.......Jive is composite of a bed of razor blades with PCP sprinkled on top. Naturally when consumed the razor blades will without fail tear the mouth of the tink eating it to shreds so the PCP is required to get the consumer smacked out of their nut so they don't feel the pain
- Malk - Milk
Malk is a cheap ass clone of the popular foodstuff known in the mainstream world as Milk. Milk is good and contains several healthy ingredients which can help sustain a human being through their day. It is popular in the mornings with cereal or tea/coffee. Hilariously aldi cannot afford Milk so they mass produce a god awful substitute known as Malk. Malk is composite of a high strength hydrochloric acid mixed with an alchoholics diarrohea. It is then boiled to 1000 degrees centigrade before refrigerated for half an hour to produce Malk in the state ready for consumption.
[edit] To Become An Aldi Shopper
- Dole Money is essential. (no other type accepted)
- Bring a Marks and spencer or Harrods bag so nobody knows you have been.
- Wear a Nazi uniform so you look like you own the store.
