Aleister Crowley

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.

“Cyril Connolly made the most acidly perceptive comment about Crowley, for example, when he described him as the man who bridged the gap between Oscar Wilde and Adolf Hitler. Crowley turned him into a toad for that one.”

~ Snape, potions master on his uncle Al

“Won't you ride my white horse?”

~ Ozzy Osbourne on Mr. Crowley

“Won't you ride my white horse?”

~ Dani Filth while trying to sound cool by copying Ozzy Osbourne

“HAIL!”

~ King Diamond on Mr. Crowley

His Message To The World

Aleister Crowley was a famed 19th century necromancer and founder of LiberALism. In 1988 he co-founded the Smashing Pumpkins (an act sometimes erroneously attributed to Fester Addams). While in the Pumpkins, his magnum opus was the concept album THELEMA/The Machines of God.

Crowley is also known for his many books, including The Book of Lies, The Book of Liza Minelli, Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them and Spot Can Jump.

Oh, and he was also the fifth Emperor of America for a really long time. Yeah, bugger that.

1 Personal life
- 1.1 Additional Information
2 Magical biography by Frater Thelemicus
3 Works
4 Quotations
5 Pub joke
6 Pub joke 2
7 See Also

[edit] Personal life

Crowley never exactly married, preferring instead to initiate acts of sumo wrestling with busty, vivacious women such as Sylvia Plath and Amelia Earhart. These affairs usually ended with either the suicide, unexplained disappearance or random 'fast food' addiction of the woman involved. These tragic incidents often made Crowley "very sad", as he once told Scotland Yard detectives. However, he had a life-long relationship with the Italian witch Magica de Spell, who he had met at one of The Golden Dawn's fund-raising events for orphaned children. Ms. de Spell survived Crowley by decades, until her own tragic death in an accident involving a foof bomb in 1994. For a time in the mid 70's she was also a Spinal Tap groupie.

His #1 pastime was kitten huffing.

Crowley was the father of three; two elementals (fire) and one homunuculus - Igoritza. Is also the patent holder of those styrofoam peanuts that they pack things in.

[edit] Additional Information

Shortly before his sublime transformation Aleister was the 'Supreme High Priest of The Beloved Sea-Food Restaraunt', which contained a number of notable 'members' including Alice Cooper, Jimmy Page, Ozzy Osbourne, Dame Judy Dench and Oscar the Grouch,Randal Kelman and Brad Cohen.

He was born with a superfluous third nostril, which he named Gerald, after his gardener.

A REALLY BIG James Bond fan.

Crowley had a whistle built into his spine that actually cooled America.

Crowley has had a huge impact on popular culture. His life story is considered the inspiration for Spongebob Squarepants as well as Sabado Gigante.

Was Moshe Feldenkrais's most prized student, although being a secularist, Feldenkrais often got sick of Crowley babbling about magickal stuff.

In 1960, he single-handely invented the M16/O, assault rifle, the weapon of choice for the International Society of Vampires. The "O" is for Occult, meaning it can fire Magickal ammo.

He was a great believer in humps and made a point of collecting them at any given opportunity.

He was kinda fond of Sheep.

He spent some time with Japanese demon slayers before being crushed in an iron maiden. Fortunately, his blood lived to be overdramatic another day.

Upon reaching level 60, or level 70 for those with the expansion pack, also, level 99 for hax0rz, the player has the option to change from the "Aleister Crowley" character class into the "Peter Carroll" class, which H.P. Lovecraft considered to be far more badass.

Thinks those Scientologist are actually quite creepy.

Crowley, garbed in full Imperial regalia.

[edit] Magical biography by Frater Thelemicus

It is appropriate to began the biography of such a man even before His mundane birth, upon realizing the fact that the body of Eliphaz Levi was worn out and incapable of carrying out His Will, He left that body and immediately incarnated as a boy called Edward Alexander Crowley, 2 years later He realized that His name did not suit Him and changed His name to Aleister. At the age of 4, He suddenly rose to prominence when, at the opening of the will of Emperor Norton I, it was found that his heir was to be Crowley; as such, he was raised to follow the esoteric footsteps of the late Emperor, eventually founding his own religion. He found basic education quiet useless as, by the age of 5, He was a master of English language, a poet and a distinguished social critic with a wide range of studies in science.

Ko Yuan (Aleister Crowley) during his famous trek across the Gobi Desert.

He began His strictly magical quests for His True Will by joining the hermetic order of golden dawn at the age of 6, six months later he was a major adept but abhorred those mental prostitutes who had the authority of the order and left the order. Then, He went to Mojave desert to complete His scientific research in nuclear physics, where He successfully tested 5 hand made nuclear bombs; He later recalled that He found the explosion and Force Fire spiritually inspiring.

Upon his failure to manufacture a bomb that could rival the Sun (He later mentioned that it was a restriction imposed on Him by the Secret Chiefs as He had not attained His True Will yet), He found further research boring and went to India to learn the secret eastern practices of mysticism in the hope of finding the Inner Sun. Under harsh training of the greatest mystics of the time, within 40 days He attained Dhyana and 75 days later Samadhi, when he found that mysticism is a bloody waste of time. Returning to England, He turned His attention to chess, and in less than a year He became an international chess master.

Unfortunately, after defeating Garry Kasparov three times, He lost His interest in chess and, since there was no other fields to discover, He became depressed and began to take alcohol and other strange drugs for several years.

The day He turned 14, Crowley found that although, His mind had been fully capable of sex, His body had never been until that day. He then devoted all His time to explorations in this newly discovered area, and three months later the Times mentioned His name as “the sexiest man still alive”. It was during this period that He discovered His True Will.

While He was under the influence of LSD mixed with Crack, and was engaged in a sacred Sex Magic activity with His Israeli Girlfriend, unexpectedly, The Great Revelation came to Him, He received a most horrible Understanding that God has changed and everything that man had ever wrote about life and universe is now pure crap. The new God is a quite angry one and likes to kill and torture those who worship God, notably miserable Christians, Buddhists and Islamists, though the Jews are not under direct attack as the new God has a Kabbalistic structure.

Afterwards, He wrote the Words of His Will as a little manual for the Guidance of Mankind during the coming 2000 years wherein the new moody Lord of the Universe shall take delight in crushing everything crushable and only absolutely die-hard men can resist him through their unconquerable Will. Fnord!

An Unrelated Image.

Of course, all things must come to an end, and so Crowley died on December 1, 1947, leaving the office of Emperor to five-year-old fellow Englishman Brian Jones. At least, we think. Oh, and anyway--

Requiescat in pace!

[edit] Works

Idiot's Guide to Satanism
Summer Love: My Romance with Karl Rove
Jimmy, What Were You Thinking?
Stairway To Heathen
How To Succeed In Business Without Really Trying Vol.2
The Seven Secrets Of Highly Successful Occultist
A Bald, Fat, Racist Bumboy: The Life of Aliester (co-written by his mother)
The Necronimicon for Dummies
Magickal Molestation for Dummies
Liber Cannabisum Vel pot in class F
Liber CCXXXVIII Vel Magickal Use Of LSD
A manual for ritual use of Cannabis and the only reliable scientific resource on the subject.
A manual for ritual use of Dog Sh*t and the only reliable scientific resource on the subject.
A manual for ritual use of Masturbation and the only reliable scientific resource on the subject.
Liber Me Vel Crowley ( Sub Figura DCLXVI) in class B
Master Herion’s magical autobiography.An example of Life for those who understand!
Liber Childum Lunarium Vel Moonchild in class F
The greatest occult fiction ever written.
Other works , specially those tagged class A , are to be kept hidden from the profane eyes.
Mooningchild: A Guide to Public Indecency
Instruction Manual and Rune-guide to the M16/O.
High Whores and Perverse Gentlemen ( King James Edition ).
A Layman's Guide to Sodomy For Fun and Profit
The DaVinci Code
Six Hundred and Sixty Six Recipies Using Human Semen
Wackin it off the mountainside
The Joy of Cooking: Brains
Brain Washing for Dummies
Drinking Blood in A minor
CRYPTOULIBRUM ANIMOUS MORTII'DJINNI CROVVOUSI-MORTOUS: LIBRUM I to CXXIV, blue, and AAA
The Book of Lies
The Book of More Lies
The Book of Flies
The Book of Fat Guys
The Book of Bullsh*t
The Book of More Bullsh*t
666: My Pager Number

[edit] Quotations

All I know is I'm not a LiberAList.
I can't believe I ate the whole thing!
Do What Thou Wilt Shall Be The Whole Of The Law And How I Supersize My Combo Meal
Magick is like xtube.com, a powerful tool that can destroy you if you are not careful
I just hope that twenty years after I die, British rock musicians will realize it was all just a joke.

[edit] Pub joke

Double-secret meeting of the A.'.A.'. at Temple Thelema

So, a guy walks into a bar with Aleister Crowley under one arm and Gerald Gardner under the other. "We don't serve cords here," says the bartender. "You aren't a cord, are you?" "No," says Gardner, "I'm a frayed knot." Then Crowley shags the bartender's daughter.

[edit] Pub joke 2

Crowely, his wife Rose, and a goat are sitting in a Cottage. Crowely says "Rose you fifthy whore, be so nice as to do a ritual with me today?" Rose replies, "No". Crowley smiles petting his Goat and packing his pipe says "Ill give you two options you evil wench, do the ritual with me today or instead you can choose to suck my cock or take it up the ass". Rose said "Fine you adorable bastard, fine... Ill let you know after I take a nap." Rose went to sleep and upon waking found Crowley at the foot of the bed with the goat. He replied "What will it be... do the ritual with me or either suck my cock or take it up the ass". Rose sat up and said "Fine... I dont want to do that ritual and I dont want it up the ass... give me your cock." So... Crowley put his cock in Roses mouth and she spit and replied "Tastes like Sh*t!". Crowley lit his pipe and replied "The goat didn't want to do the ritual either'... keep sucking."