Alex Rodriguez
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Beat Me
“Whats the difference between A-Rod and a hooker? A hooker doesn't choke on the big one! TOTAL LULZ!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Alex Rodriguez
Alex Rodriguez, also known as A-Rod A-Fraud, E-Rod, F-Rod,Gay Wad, Mr. April, May-Rod, and Double Play-Rod, is known for his superb defensive play and hitting in the clutch as the New York Yankees 3rd baseman. He's the most selfless baseball player to ever step foot onto the baseball diamond. The Texas Rangers offered to pay him $250 billion dollars, give him his own private jet, set up a tent outside Yankee stadium that distributed A-Rod merchandise, and build a shrine in his honor just to play for the team, but being the team player that A-Rod is, he turned down the generous offer of Rangers GM. He and agent Scott Boras decided it'd be in both their best interest and in the best interest of the organization if they paid him minimum wage, a piece of lint, 4 Post-Its and 2 buttons.
Yankee fans absolutely adore Alex, and call up radio stations such as WFAN to express their love for him. Callers on the Mike and the Mad Dog show have expressed their desire to make him captain of the team, and a few even promised to name their first born child after the 3rd baseman. Late night sports talk show host Steve Somers has even given him the nickname "the Lightning Rod" in respect to the charge of positive energy emitted from Yankee fans every time he steps into the batter's box at Yankee Stadium. Yankee fans all point to A-Rod and yell out in delight "YOU!" as in "You are the man," but some have mistaked these chants for boos.
[edit] Stats and Records
First and foremost, A-Rod enjoys ANAL INTERCOURSE courtesy of Jason Giambi. On to the stats.
A-Hole! A-Rod was last in most offensive catogories including a -.006 batting average with runners in scoring position. The only time he was credited with a hit with RISP was a disputed call at Yankee Stadium earlier this year. A-Rod never hit a grand slam to win the ball game in the bottom of the 18th verus the yankees, but the official scorer credited reliever Roger Clemens with an error for making a bad pitch and for being an asshole and slut.
A-Rod is last in the majors in RBIs with -3, only leading New York Yankee short stop Derek Jeter. Jeter was placed on the DL earlier this year when injuring himself in a car accident while riding as a passenger in a taxi cab that was headed out to a local sushi bar at 2AM with lots and lots of shit in his mouth. The taxi collided with the car of Mets reliever Duaner Sanchez. The moral of that story is that late-night sushi runs are just as bad as Kitten Huffing.
Since last week, A-Rod has hit 2 singles and was named the Minor League player of the week for the 1rst time this year. A-Rod has expressed his desire to wear a New York Yankees cap when he is inducted into the Hall of Fame after he retires in the year 1026.
On July 24, 2004, A-Rod prompted a bases-clearing brawl when he expressed a sexual attraction toward Boston Red Sox catcher Jason Varitek. The move prompted Curt Schilling, a known right-wing religious extremist, to beat up several Yankees players with prejudice.
Alex has set a record for the most errors by a minor league 3rd baseman since the year 94 AD when Steinbrenner signed Jesus to come back from the dead (again) to play 3rd base for the then Old York Yankees, promising to build him a church for every error he didn't commit. Of course this later led to the Crusades and caused George to move the team to New York.
A-Rod's OPS (On-base plus Slugging %) is half that of your mom! Combined. In fact, the only more shitty hitter of all time is your other mom! who was ignominiously scratched from the record books for supporting your dad! To this point, Rodriguez has stayed out of political controversy.
A-Rod's best season occurred in 1062 when he was 925 years old and he hit .002 with 1 homer (42 feet) and 0 RBiz and raped all the sluts in Jacksonvile with peanut butter.
[edit] Misc.
- Alex Rodriguez was the person to convince Johnny Damon to change his appearance.
- Surprisingly, the candy Butterfinger is not named after him.
- He once hit a line drive that killed a bantha, and a big one too.
- Scientists have found that A-Rod is related to seagulls, after his incident against the Toronto Blue Jays where he yelled, "MINE!" towards the 3B. Since this incident, this made Alex Rodriguez god of all creatures and man, which made the whole Jays team sad and led to World War III.
Categories: Athletes | Sports | Baseball
