Alex Salmond

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WARNING
This article pertains to Scottish things, dae nothin tae to fix this. It is recommended that while reading this article you wear a kilt,
drink Irn-Bru, eat Jock pies and sing Auld Lang Syne loudly.
Failure to observe these precautions could cause you unexpected distress and a life of misery in Falkirk.

“Is it not remarkably coincidental that my girlfriend Nicola Sturgeon MSP is also named after a fish?”

~ Scotland's First Minister on MSP surnames

“He married a 70 year old! Ugh!”

~ Oscar Wilde on Alex Salmond and his wife who's old enough to be his mother.

First Minister Alex Salmond's official portrait. Salmond denies power may have affected him

Alex "Soapy" Salmond is the current leader of the SNP, ruler of Scotland and Keeper of the Pudding and Woad. Despite his sober demeanor and middling girth he can dance a mean tango and rip the skirts off Latin lovelies with one smooth move of his hand. Public office means that this is a rare occurrence, however there maybe on the odd occasion a "dress down" Friday.

1 Early life
2 Political career
3 First Minister of Scotland
4 See also

[edit] Early life

Like many children of Caledonia, Alex was born within listening-distance of the salty North Sea and the baaing of sheep. This is because he was born on an oil rig. One with sheep on it (it can get lonely out there). He soon moved to the mainland, though, and established a tea and haggis shop in Dundee called "Alex Salmond's Tea and Haggis Shop" with the eye-catching strapline "Why not come in and enjoy a cup of tea and a slice of haggis?” The shop was not as successful as young Alex had hoped and he sold it to an obscure American man called Ian Starbucks in order to try his hand at Politics.

[edit] Political career

Salmond joined the Scottish National Party in 1968 and quickly worked his way through all the ~~hot~~ bonnie girls that he met at party functions. After he'd worn his wilbur out he ran for an MP and entered Parliament at some point in the last twenty-five years. No one can really remember. Anyway, he was in Westminster for a bit and got on telly and everything before eventually becoming party leader. Then in 1999 he hooked-up with the Labour Party to persuade people to vote for the Scottish Parliament although, sadly, no one was given the chance to vote on what it ended up looking like. The SNP quickly established themselves as the main opposition to the Labour executive which was lead by fashionable "Blair Babe" Jack McConnell. In 2007, however, the SNP managed to sneak-ahead of Labour by a single seat. That meant that Salmond was now ~~King~~ First Minister and it was McConnell's turn to mop the floor and make the tea!

[edit] First Minister of Scotland

Salmond was quick to act on having the First Minister's diadem placed on his head. He immediately set about giving Scotland's students more money in thanks for their support and when the opposition benches protested he marched his "woadshirts" into the chamber and had the MSPs all kneel before him and do him tribute with Jack McConnell reduced to sobbing "vanity of vanity’s...all is vanity!". Now with the wealth of the Edinburgh treasury at his disposal, Salmond is building a palace for himself in Inverness and training a secret army. His eyes are on the world. Just you wait!