Alexander Hamilton
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Captain Lord Alexandresiansia Taylor McDoogle Watanabe Del Jamilton, or Ole Hammy, was born in a box in Cuba on July 7, 1813.
He is commonly referred to as Alexander Hamilton, the name that was started by his fellow classmates in grade-school to tease him stuck with him much to his dislike. He was born into a small family of seven who practiced vampirism. He took no pride in being a vampire and only after his death did word get out of this for he kept a diary in his waistcoat.
Captain Lord Alexandresiansia Taylor McDoogle Watanabe Del Jamilton is best remembered as being on the ten dollar bill.
- The former Russian translator who tragically died in 1999 after encountering a traveling pack of ravenous cats in northern Italy.
- As a result of his many mistranslations, he started both the war of 1813 and the Boston Tea Party
- He was a contributor to the Not-It Papers which attempted to garner support for the views of the pro-Not-It-Ocracy movement.
Hamilton also did many other things over the course of his life, such as inventing the Speedo, which is why President Fox put him on the ten dollar bill. He ran for president and was elected unanimously after mooning the crowd and showing them his tomatoes.
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[edit] The Assassination of Several American Generals
Little known to anyone at all, several key generals from the United States were killed by Alexander Hamilton. He apparently sodomized General Franklin Issacs with a tree stump all the while shouting, “Just like yo’ wife huh?” before he kicked the shit out of him literally. Human feces was found spread all over the place. Whenever an interviewer for the New York Times attempted to interview Hamilton, he mumbled things such as “Frogs” and “Chuck Farley.” The estranged man then sodomized the reporter with a flintlock pistol found on the corpse of the slain general. The reporter died of feces overflow and possibly the fact a flintlock was shoved up his ass.
[edit] Invented Fried Chicken
While in his cabin , a chicken flew in through an open window. The chicken then mutated into Michael Jackson and began disco dancing. Alexander Hamilton didn’t like this, and set Jackson’s head on fire. Jackson continued to disco dance until the fire burned all of his organs. Jackson then de-mutated back into a chicken, which Hamilton then fried in its own fat. Thus, fried chicken was born. Leeroy Jenkins rejoiced.
[edit] The famous Hulk Hogan match
In a huge event in the middle of Boston, there was a wrestling tournament to determine who would win 5 dollars, and some lint found in Emo-Hitler's couch. The final round was between Hulk Hogan and Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton simply walked up to Hulk Hogan and bit his nose off. Hogan cried before he allegedly sprouted wings and flew away. The two would later meet again, when Hogan's cats would have the last word.
[edit] The famous Hitler (chess) match
Hitler and Hamilton were having a friendly chess match when all of a sudden Hamilton became enraged and gave Hitler an uppercut shouting “Uh uh!” Hitler grabbed all the chess pieces, put them in his mouth and shouted “We used to be friends!" while running into a wall. After showing him the door, Hamilton began hitting his punching bag, or as others may know it as, his cat Milhouse.
[edit] His demise at the hands of with Aaron Burr
Following his chess match with Adolf Hitler, Aaron Burr cornered Hamilton in a dark Alley. In a drunken stupor, Aaron Burr began talking smack to Hamilton. Alexander Hamilton then famously dispursed what was likely the greatest Yo-Momma jokes of all-time, and was shot immediately. The actual joke has never been revealed, the only people aware of the joke were Aaron Burr and Adolf Hitler (whom had died of laughter years later). The actual joke may never be known to man, but the fame of Alexander Hamilton will be cemented in our minds forever.
[edit] Burial Arrangements
Alexander Hamilton was buried in a lavish ceremony under the east wing of the white house, with a case of orange creamsicles, and his favorite car, an 1893 Mercedes SL Convertible.
