Alice Cooper
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
“My real son.â€
~ God
Contents |
[edit] Life and Crimes
Very few musicians can claim to have changed the face of music completely, and Alice Cooper is one of those as well. Some credit him for the creation of semi-metal music, others say his music is a forerunner to P'nked or Shlock Rock. None of this is true, but that is what people say.
What few people realize is that Alice Cooper's mother was the inventor of those little things that go on the end of shoelaces. Unfortunately, she invented them the same day Michael Nesmith's mother invented White Out, grabbing all the headlines for "Mother of Future Famous Musician Invents Really Useful Product!"
It is known that he has a curious obsession with wing-back chairs, and on at least one occasion he murdered a man for a particularly nice one, only to discard it because it had blood and a bullethole on it.
[edit] The Early Years
Vincent Damon Furnier, or "Alice Cooper"was born the son of an oradained Apostle of the Church of Shemp Howard in 1948 (records from the era are spotty, at best.) Commonly criticized as a poor imitation of Damn Edith Evans, Furnier fled his childhood home of Wales, for the sunny rocks of Arizona sometime during the 1670's.
It was Arizona's large occult underground that sucked Coopsworth into music. Forming a band with a black shoesalesman, a wannabe lesbian, a duck, and a guy named Si, Coopsworth was set to take the world by storm. Naming the band "Alice Cooper" at the recommendation of Coopsworth's likewise named imaginary friend, the group hoped to conjure a smell of urine that would be well suited to their music. The band released their first single, "I'm Hammered" to minimal fanfare. Coopsworth and Co. could not escape the wrath of the press, who continued to label them as Hiacenth Bucket clones, despite the notable fact Si had noticeabley biger breast than Mrs. Bucket.
[edit] The Jesus Years
It would take more then mere mortal power to turn Alice Cooper into a success. Eager to shed his image of gas passer and peanut addiction, Jesus offered Alice Cooper the help needed to get the band off the ground. The lesbian and the duck were less then thrilled about these developments and immediately went off to join Satan's latest project to torture humans: KISS. Coopsworth, Si, and Jesus would continue on as Alice Cooper, backed by beer money from Hawaii.
Jesus led the Alice Cooper group to great success over their first ten years, which saw the release of such classics as It Came From the Garage and Christmas With The Coopers. By 1972, at the peak of their sucess, things took a turn for the worse. Coopsworth had developed a drinking problem, Jesus was spending all his time with his dad, and Si remained as boring and plain as ever. With a diminishing Jesus presence, things only got worse, and worse, until finally, Coopsworth fired Jesus. Whether Jesus realizes this or not is still not known, considering Jesus has purportedly forgotten his voicemail password and only pretends to check it.
[edit] The Post-Jesus Years
Angry and weevil-encrusted, Coopsworth crafted his first album without the help of Jesus, the aptly titled: A.C. vs. J.C. - The Musical. Many critics noted the musical was indeed better then Cats, but that wasn't enough to make people care. Without Jesus promoting the group, album and ticket sales declined. By 1985 Coopsworth was in rehab, and Mike had gotten a speeding ticket. The outlook was dim for Coopsworth and Co. After releasing Disco Does Cooper Vol. IV in 1988, many left Alice Cooper for dead.
Following the departure of Si, Coopsworth was the only original member of the band by 1989. 1990 saw the release of Will Somebody Please By This Album, Please, which featured 40 minutes of Coopsworth pissing into a microphone. Nobody listened and Coopsworth's star seemed to be growing dimmer by the minute.
Alice Cooper during this years also retrieved Loana from the past, nowadays better known as Raquel Welch.Check her page to see the story behind the retrieval with the 'Frankenstein Monstermachine'.
[edit] The Successful Post-Jesus Years
Strengethed by a return to the bottle due to the complete lack of any sort of sales for his last album, Coopsworth teamed up with various notable songwriters for One Hit Single, The Rest is Trash, which was released in 1991 to much acclaim. A bitter Jesus, jealous of Coopsworth's new success without Jesus' help, challened Coopsworth to a duel. Coopsworth, eager to get even with Jesus, accepted. In 1993, they dueled. Coopsworth came out victorious, but Jesus, being a poor sport, was spotted walking the streets no less then three days later. An enraged Coopsworth took an 18 year hiatus to work out his anger problems with various therapists.
[edit] The Non-Hiatus Years
Following his hiatus, Coopsworth would go on to release more albums, embark on more tours, and consume more chicken. Coopsworth was killed during a prop accident in 2014, but continued to release albums. Coopsworth also notably played the staring role in the Brady Bunch III the popular BBC television series
[edit] Discography
- It Came From the Garage (1960)
- It Came From My Rear End (1962)
- Household Appliances Run Amuck (1963)
- Appetite For Chicken (1968)
- Go Fix Me a Turkey Pot Pie (1969)
- Forced Sodomy for You (1969)
- Christmas With The Coopers (1970)
- Rub It To Death (1971)
- Scool's Out (1971)
- Billion Dollar Babies (1972)
- A.C. vs. J.C. - The Musical (1973)
- Music of Love (1974)
- The Last Temptation (1975)
- It's Me (1979)
- Welcome to my Nightmare (1983)
- Alice Cooper Goes To Hell (1984)
- From the Outside (1984.5)
- GaGa (1985)
- Flush The Fascist (1986)
- Disco Does Cooper Vol. IV (1988)
- Will Somebody Please Buy This Album, Please? (1990)
- Trash (1991)
[edit] Hits
- School's out forever
- No More Mrs. Nice Guy
- Im Eighteen
- Lost In America
- Hit Me Baby One More Time
And in addition...
The Chicken Fixation -
Sadly, Alice is obsessed with chickens. There are rumors that he keeps a whole coop of his own (Coop's Coop) and practices firing them out of a cannon at the back wall of his home in Phoenix. This is the same cannon he mentioned being fired out of himself, on a recent episode of his radio show. Unfortunately, he flies better'n your average chicken...
The ultimate goal is to find the perfect velocity for firing chickens into upper balconies. He's already pretty adept at high-tossing whips and necklaces - chickens, not so much.
Much of Alice's fortune these days comes from his sideline in the pillow industry, "Nights With Alice Cooper". Gotta use up those feathers somehow!
