Alien

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Typical alien transport.
Typical alien transport.
"You're getting raped by aliens!" :~ Captain Obvious
"You're getting raped by aliens!"
 :~ Captain Obvious
This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory, which Uncyclopedia vehemently denies knowledge and existence of. The black helicopters are not ^on their way.

“You don't want to know.”

~ Peter Tägtgren on why he's so sure aliens exist.

“You want to Abduct ME?! I'll kick your tentacled ass!”

~ Gunnery Sergeant Ermey

“Screw your leader! Take me to your bitches!”

~ Aliens

“I could've been at a barbecue!”

~ Will Smith on Alien Invaders


The alien was an invention conjured up from the evil mind of Elvis Presley that backfired on him and ultimately caused his death. D'oh! It is a disgusting creature that will be found to be cute and cuddly by children all over the world, while grown-ups will want to shoot at it with radios and bits of gravel they find in the street. First appearing in Area 3.14, they tend to go to Area 52, the Alien Relaxation Center. Some Aliens, particularly the ones involved in most UFO sightings and abductions, are actually genetically mutated possums

It is probably just swamp gas reflecting off the light of Venus or Uranus that creates these illusions.

Contents

[edit] Sightings

[edit] History of Sightings

The first true (and by "true" we really mean "false", humans are such liars) alien sighting occurred in Roswell, New Mexico in 1940-something. A strange craft was seen "driving down Highway 40" according to Doreen Larkins (see below). The craft was perhaps twenty-five feet long, yellow, and bearing the strange insignia that resembled the English words "Andersen Bus Lines".Many witnesses whom have encounters with aliens reported them as height of a ten year old child , wearing silver jacket with a butterfly logo printed on. Their eyes were like peanuts and dark complexion

Another Alien sighting was Sam Alien, who changed his name to Sam Alen. He watches over us at night and eats his young. The next alien sighting occurred in 1963, when President John F. Kennedy was assassinated by a Gray alien named Elvis. Elvis was later apprehended and was reportedly distraught over Kennedy’s sexual assult by invaders, the act was being broadcast throughout the galaxy in the form of an interstellar reality TV show called My Big Fat Obnoxious Earthling. Elvis was then shot by an effeminate Jack Ruby.

An alien rarely causes major damage...to bridges.
An alien rarely causes major damage...to bridges.

The third recorded, yet heavily disputed, alien sighting occurred in 1969, when twenty-two year-old Liberty Freewillow of San Francisco, who had just taken her "medicine", reportedly took massive quantities of both LSD and marijuana and was visited by beings from another plane of existence. Said Freewillow:

   
Alien
 They were so mellow and totally at peace, cosmically. They told me that in order for humans to advance, karmically, we need to stop destroying our environment, and we need to stop consuming fossil fuels, because those are dead dinosaurs, man. They don’t belong to us, and we shouldn’t be disturbing them. Then, they turned into this butterfly-flower thing and spread a golden ray of happiness over me. I hope to be visited by our interstellar guides again soon.
   
Alien

We found evidence of aliens and George Bush said "BOMB THEM". Aliens were missed as fables, although not the kind you can learn from, such as those of Aesop. All alien sightings were missed, all who claimed to have been abducted by aliens were viciously raped by government agents known as Men In Black, and those who claimed to have seen them were killed by their families, and any and all cattle mutilated by aliens were molested and left outside the city gates, rebuked by their community.

There has been no progress in the last three decades regarding alien research except for the fact that a couple of yahoos in Texas calling themselves the UNMED claim to be descended from the first alien race when they interbred with Doreen Larkins (see above). Doreen claims to have no recollections of any sexual encounter with the aliens (how convenient) but it does not really matter considering the males carry the children in the first place. You should keep a look out for the UNMED hybrids, for whilst they are not true aliens, they can be highly dangereous and are extremely flammable.

Also, on August 18th, 1993, a spaceship was rumored to land in a farm. A man claims that prophetic aliens that came from the planet Ugi landed to rape and warn him of an aproaching hurricane to strike New York City in year 2012. Of course, no one believed him and he was dismissed as a psychotic and was never heard of again.

[edit] Aliens in Today's Society

An example of an Alien in the US Senate
An example of an Alien in the US Senate
. BEWARE!

There are millions of aliens in today's society. We simply call them politicans. There have been aliens in the political arena from the time of the Egyptians. How else would have the pyramids been built?

Some of the most well-known aliens/politicans are Abraham Lincoln, Teddy Roosevelt, Winston Churchhill, King Tut, Simon Snyder, George W. Bush, Andrew Jackson, and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Do not worry; the aliens that have infiltrated the government are generally innocuous. They are too stupid to stay out of the public eye and are therefore too stupid to do any real damage. Actually, they're too stupid to do anything at all.

Aliens were also sighted above Merthyr Vale in the year 300BC. One resident named James Evans was abducted and returned, analy abused. Reports say they enjoyed hardcore anal sex while filming alien bumtopsy 4: you've been bumducted.

[edit] Notable Aliens

Notable Aliens in today's society include:

[edit] What to do if you meet an alien

Proof that communists are aliens. Or aliens are communists. Note the Stalin moustache. FOR THE MOTHERLAND!
Proof that communists are aliens. Or aliens are communists. Note the Stalin moustache. FOR THE MOTHERLAND!

NEVER, EVER, EVER give alien a gun (like in Alien vs Predator) or a ball point pen. It is the most stupidest thing to do, as the alien will use advanced technology to turn it into a Death Ray or Death Star and kick your sorry butt.

Contrary to most popular beliefs, aliens are horny scamps who fuck a fly. In fact, most aliens are more horny than you than you are of them (supposing you are a large 8-foot man with brass knuckles). However, even the horniest types of alien are infamous for their inordinate love of carrying out anal probings - who knows, this might be considered a polite way of greeting a stranger upon alien worlds, as indeed it is in some private clubs. Unfortunately, aliens are determined and set in their ways, so if they decide you need probing, there's nothing you can do to persuade them otherwise. The best thing to do is to always carry a large tub of Vaseline whenever you are going to be spending time in a place with a history of alien abduction and ask them kindly to use it.

Upon meeting an alien for the first time, you should extend your hand and introduce yourself. Then, when the alien is least suspecting it, whip out your hyper-dimensional warp-drive laser-gun and blast it out of the known universe. What? You don't have a hyper-dimensional warp-drive laser-gun? Well then, you're screwed. Or probed, at the very least.

If the Alien you have come across can speak English, then it is most likely to have spent a few years on planet Earth already. This is lucky for you, because now you can converse in a lengthy conversation about how UFO parking fees are too much nowadays. Whatever you do though, make sure it doesn't get bored. Try and keep it chatting so that the MIB have a chance to capture it.

Tell it to return to Mexico.

[edit] What to do if you are an Illegal Alien

The first model of ET was not considered cute enough by Steven Spielberg.
The first model of ET was not considered cute enough by Steven Spielberg.

First, you tell them about stupid novelty items that don't work and then sell them for a super inflated price. If they're strapped for cash, pretend you're from the cast of Star Trek (or Farscape, if you're down under) and offer them an autograph, before sneakily anal-probing them. If they try to shoot you threaten them with the Ray of Doom. Try to give the ray a strange-sounding name, so as to scare them off. This tactic is well-known, and often used by humans themselves in shows such as Star Trek. If all else fails and they don't listen, just snap their necks.

Gosh, there sure are lots of different types of aliens! There are so many that they have to be grouped into categories[1]. Some of these types of aliens are:

[edit] Humanoid

Not a real alien.
Not a real alien.
Concealed alien (it's hiding in his moustache).
Concealed alien (it's hiding in his moustache).

Image:ToServeMan.jpg

  • Human-like Aliens: One of the greatest problems for exobiologists today is the numerous human-like aliens reported in abductions, who look too much like us. So they decided to shove them out of the way and ignore them.
  • Greys: Humanoid, but smaller, with almond-shaped heads, big black eyes, really little mouths, no noses, and oh yeah, they’re also grey.
  • Little Green Men: About the same as greys, but are green colored and don't look that scary. Possibly related to traffic lights.
  • Unknowns: A starship sent into deep space in 1978 has returned back in 2005 and brought back a new unknown life-form. Currently it is destroying the USA. Many Americans came out of their houses with posters saying "Don't forget Cuba". The president of the USA has been quoted in saying "It's okay and we'll make a compromise soon." So far, only 37.940% of the American population has been exterminated, so they still have a chance. You haven't heard about this because the government is covering it up.
  • "'Patrick Neasey"': He actually bites your batty, only if you get within 5 metres of him.
  • Girly aliens: They look just like your girlfriend and will satisfy your fantasies, then you're screwed, then they eat you.
    What a girly alien looks like.
    What a girly alien looks like.

Ugly People: Often mistaken for extremely deformed people, they are actually intergalactic beings. If you see one DO NOT approach it as it will probably give you Ugly (or crabs). Do not feed them either, there is no specific reason for this, but just don't.

[edit] Mammaloids

  • Plushies: Interstellar nomads bent on galactic domination via mind control.
  • Grues: Box-shaped gap-toothed mammal known for eating humans. Developed by the Plushies.
  • Eurgs: An alien race from the planet Kroz, via anticonvergent evolution became the antipode of Grues.
  • Wookies: Wookies!
  • Giraffes: They're mammals with antenna for Pete's sake! You can't tell me that could've originated anywhere near Earth.
  • Deer: Deer are colonists from the Planet Bob. Their reasons for being here are to collect all of Earth's shiny pretty coins without paying ransom prices for them. They are also here to kill off all the evil Reptoids and greys in the entire solar system. Earth is also the 25th colony of the Deer Planet a.k.a. Planet Bob.
  • Marmalade: No-one is quite sure why this substance/life form tastes sooo good, it must be an evil plot!
  • The Ass Noids: Really small humanoid aliens that crawl up your ass as you are being abducted by other aliens.
  • Admins: Aliens that brought roaches to earth, infecting the Admins of this planet.
  • Cat Girls: Female humanoids with cat-like features, these aliens are highly prized in the US and Japan. They are usually kept for...well let's not get into THAT...or sold on E-Bay[2] for large sums of money.
  • Presidents: People that pretend they are helping their city. Actually, they want to destroy our planet and eat cheese-burgers!!!
  • Hippies: Aliens that have come to "save our planet", though all they really do is sit there meditating and smoking crack and other drugs.
  • Rabbitoids: Aliens occasionally discovered living in subterranean burrows, they can be identified by their twitching noses, fluffy tails and long ears.
  • Pikachu: Aliens that are bright yellow and have red cheeks. These aliens are mutated Plushies. There is no known way to stop these creatures besides throwing a randomly red and white coloured ball at them.

[edit] Reptoid

  • Reptiloids: The freaky tea-drinking lizard-men you didn't see mugging it for the camera in Invaders From Mars. Frequently appearing on commercials for Geico auto insurance.
  • Vogons: Cuddly creatures from the planet Vogsphere.
  • Scaaran: Large reptilian humanoids who, like Peacekeepers, feel an overwhelming need to torture John Crichton, the only human in the galaxy they've even ever heard of.
  • Draconians: Large reptiloid aliens that love meat, blood and eating humans. Some have wings. BEWARE!!!

[edit] Birdy

[edit] Bugs

  • Zerg: ZERG RUSH KEKEKEKEKEKEKEKEKE!Oh My God...OH MY GOD They're everywhere... OH SHIT RUN!!!!!!
  • Kim Jong-Il: He is actually a bug in a vagina that is constantly bleeding, trying to infiltrate our way of life. He is benign and harmless, and no serious threat to puppies anywhere. It is commonly believed that all Koreans are bugs.
  • Irkens: Short, green, psychotic aliens obsessed with galactic domination and snacks. Irkens are mathematically proven to be totally awesome.
  • Bugs-also called Arachnids. Big freakin' beetles bigger than Hank's ma, meaner than Hank's ma, and uglier than... well, you get the idea.

[edit] Others

  • Martians: Megalomanical invaders of Earth, come in two types: Dals and Thals.
  • Decapodians: Jewish alien surgeons resembling a cross between lobsters, squid and doctors. Oh, and Jews.
  • Zekklomians: Slightly short bluish aliens with strange crown-like "growths" on their heads. Have been mistaken for royalty many times.
  • Jawas: Sandy creatures who like old electronic shit that they find in the desert.
  • Anyone on Baywatch: Their secret is that they run so slow because it charges up their 27 quadruple A batteries so they can molest children faster and gangbang George W. Bush at the same time.
  • Bread Legs: Giant pairs of legs made from bread.
  • Rejk'da'ofl: Small bald children with huge heads, very tiny faces and a tendency to jump onto peoples' heads and make them edit Wikipedia.
  • Blunks: This species landed in Germany many years ago but got sidetracked when they open a bottle of beer now they live in the sewers of New York. Stealing beer bottles and Newport ciggarattes. Now they are code named "Drunks".
  • Michael Jackson: His "body" is actually made of Jiffy Pop, Lube, and toddler femurs. It's nose is the only part that's alive; it's a micro computer controlled by the PowerPuffGirls and Ashley Tisdale.
  • Trekkies: not real aliens but would probably sell their souls to be able to read minds. Usually live in mother's basements and can be found on the internet and at social gatherings known as comic cons/orgys.
  • Mormans: Self explanitory
  • Duck-Billed Platypus: Not weird at all
  • Zorgans: Originally from the planet Zethura, these creatures can be contacted through a whimsical board game.
  • Dalek: Kinda like a Grue, but with special laser guns to eat you from a distance. They're also armored, so you're screwed even harder. They look like the offspring of a trash can that got raped by a lighthouse.

[edit] Planty-things

[edit] "Normal" Odd Stuff (if Odd Stuff can be Normal)

  • Weird, blobby things: Cough up some phlegm into your hands. This looks like the type of alien classified as a "weird, blobby thing". Want to know why? Because it is an alien! Your body houses extraterrestrials! This means that you are a spaceship, and therefore, are capable of interstellar travel! YAY!
  • Zorts: Tiny, #### little aliens, that come to earth from time to time, using the shell of the Tasmanian Moochling crab as their landing pad. As soon as they arrive on earth their grotesque, bogey-coloured bodies become distorted and destroyed by Earth's atmosphere, and they explode in agony, making a tasty snack for the patient and all-together-more lovable Moochling crab.
  • Zorgaarb: Large, multi-limbed creatures from the planet Zormatron, often seen drinking beer.
  • Garage-guy: Sits in hidden chambers up above people's garages and opens the door when you press the little button.
  • Tribble: You know the fluff you get at the bottom of the washing machine? Imagine a ball of that, in many colours, about 6" across. Then imagine a million of them. That is the tribble society, and they are coming for you. (I'm not kidding, they almost got Kirk!)

[edit] From the Planet of the Aliens (cf. Alien vs Predator)

If on your journeys you should ever encounter one of these remarkable animals, it is considered socially acceptable to shit your pants and cry....or bend over
If on your journeys you should ever encounter one of these remarkable animals, it is considered socially acceptable to shit your pants and cry....or bend over
  • Xenomorphs aka Aliens: You see that alien, to the right, yeah? That's a Xenomorph, and IT WANTS TO KILL YOU!!! They are a highly evolved type of grue, and act just like grues except they lay their eggs in your body. Also, they have acid blood, so try not to shoot them that often.
  • Yautja aka Predators: Bug-men with genetic dread-locks that turn invisible and try and beat the crap out of Xenomorphs. And Humans. Pretty much any sorry sap that gets in their way. Not to be confused with Unicorns. Predators are known to have a mouth that looks like a vagina with teeth.

[edit] Hybrids

  • UNMED: Standing for "Ultraterrestrial Nordics of the Mediterranean, the UNMED are a race from the interbreeding of Humans and Reptiloids.
  • In Flames: A race of humanoid aliens, famous for their abductions. Their name is said to be from a strange dialect of the Alien language, meaning "In Flames". The actual Hybrid race, the Jester Race, is allegiedly a hybrid of the Nordic and Mexican races in the civilisation. Sorta like the Jedi. Then again, chances are all that is nonsense.

[edit] Aliens in film and song

Yep, aliens have inspired many moments of culture! Below are just a few of the things you have probably enjoyed watching or listening to, thanks to aliens!

[edit] Contreversy

Kayne West once accused Tommy Lee Jones of hating aliens on public television. This is not true.

[edit] Footnotes

^  Various authors have tried to make a classification of alien forms. The classification used in this article is a general one from expert UFOlogists such as Lord Byron and Oprah Winfrey. However, due to some of these identities, some say the list is biased.

All aliens eat people of some form.
All aliens eat people of some form.



[edit] See also

Joe Eastwood

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