Admiral Ackbar

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Admiral Ackbar.

“What'chu know bout traps?!”

~ Admiral Ackbar on traps

“It's a trap card!”

~ Admiral Ackbar on Yu-Gi-Oh

“It's a tap!”

~ Admiral Ackbar on plumbing

“It's a trap!”

~ Allah Ackbar on anything

“It's a track!”

~ Admiral Ackbar on railways

“It's a Von Trapp!”

~ Admiral Ackbar on The Sound of Music

“It's a tarp!”

~ Admiral Ackbar on pitching a tent

“OMFG 1t'5 4 tr4p u n00b lol”

~ Admiral Ackbar on leetspeak

“One time my Detect Traps crit, and I realized the rebuilt Death Star was fully operational.”

~ Admiral Ackbar on World of Warcraft

“It's crap!”

~ Admiral Ackbar on This article

“!part a s'tI”

~ rabkcA larimdA on lasreveR

“In Soviet Russia, Trap Is You!”

~ Russian Reversal on Traps

“Their tongues can't repel flavor of that magnitude!”

~ Admiral Ackbar on Admiral Ackbar Cereal

“It's a snap!”

~ Admiral Ackbar on Traps for Dummies

“It's a... aw, hell, you know the drill.”

~ Admiral Ackbar on traps

“We should have listened to him all these years...”

~ Oscar Wilde on Admiral Ackbar

“It's a trapface”

~ Admiral Ackface on traps

Admiral Allah Ackbar of the Rebel Alliance is a member of the Fried Calamari species. He is a favourite of Star Wars fans and Italian food fans, to the point that in many nations around the world, especially those in the Middle East, North Africa and parts of South East Asia (regions where Star Wars fans are the mindnumbingly overwhelming majority as y'all know), he is revered as the second most delicious God in the universe (behind the Flying Spaghetti Monster). Now retired, he enjoys habitually appearing in JPEG form on internet message boards to warn humans with his trademark "It's a trap!" phrase that a nearby pornographic image is not a chick, but rather, a dude.

1 History
- 1.1 Ackbar, the Holy
2 Religion
3 Quotes attributed to the good Admiral
4 Through the Looking Glass
5 Products
6 See also

[edit] History

Ackbar, pictured a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away

Ackbar Warning Samuel L Jackson

Ackbar, also known as Admiral Hu and Othello, began his career as the Moorish commander of the Spanish Armada who led the historic naval assault on the clowns in 1588 and the state of Kansas. Descended from the squidlike Moors that had occupied Spain for hundreds of years, Ackbar had a natural affinity and aptitude for nautical life that enabled him to rise to the heights of the Spanish Navy. Impressed equally by Ackbar's ability to command a crew and to breathe underwater, King Phillip chose him to lead an assault against the British Navy, which was now threatening galactic domination.

Thanks to his strategic prowess and seamanship (and not, as some revisionist historians have ascribed, to the trivial hundreds of heavily-armed galleons in his fleet), the Spanish were able to defeat the Empire and crush its incipient hopes for populating the cosmos with WASPs.

Though the expedition seemed on the verge of misadventure when Celtic Druids conjured a tempest in order to drown the fleet, the quick-thinking Admiral rescued his charge and proved his fitness for command when he issued the terse but indelible admonition, "It's a trap!" Thus recognizing the situation, the Armada was able to avert the storm, defeat the Druids, and lay waste to their ultimate target, Britain's secret weapon the Death Buoy. The Empire defeated, their commander Lord Vader was forced to sign a treaty of surrender aboard his ship, the HMS Missouri, and cede all land in North America to Spain. Banished from the northern continent, the British were instead relegated to colonize South and Central America while the Spanish-speaking peoples flourished in the north. Even today, the British-descended Southern Hemisphere remains firmly entrenched in the Spanish North's hegemony, all owed to the legacy of Ackbar.

In his final years, Ackbar was sent out on another errand for Spain, this time to the New World. He was ordered to retrieve Christopher Columbus, who by reports had established himself as a 'white god' among the indigenous population and exploited their labor for the ivory trade while making indecipherable pronouncements regarding "el horror, el horror." Alas, this mission proved to be the Admiral's last, as he tragically choked on a biscuit at a party in Russia, where he was vacationing afterwards. By stroke of chance, his crewmates had enough Tartar sauce to make the most of the problem with some fried Calamari, as suggested by the (other) Hannibal. Eventually, the fact that he was digested prompted some religious followers to say that a miricle had happened and he left this world as not quite dead.

the new star wars movie

[edit] Ackbar, the Holy

Allah Ackbar.

It's an Infidel!

His role as a God began five years after the Battle of Yavin, (or 1982 in Earth standard years), when a small band of devoted followers rode across the middle east, conquering the old governments with their superb horsemen and Mon Calamari cruisers. The religion took hold across the world, spreading relatively peacefully eastwards and westwards, until the present day. It is believed there are around 1.2 billion Calamarians across the globe, as of 2005.

Ackbar in his colledge years

[edit] Religion

[edit] Beliefs

There are essentially two types of followers of Allah Hu Ackbar. The first are residents of Fark. These people worship Ackbar by photoshopping him into nearly every image that they create. Often they will repeat the holy phrase "It's a trap!" in their images. Another one of their gods is Cliche Kitty. The other group of Ackbar's followers are the Calamarians.The beliefs of Calamarians differ greatly from person to person, but most believers follow the sacred tenet that everything is a trap. This comes from a passage in the Calamarians Holy Book, the novelisation of Return of the Jedi, where it is written "and lo, Ackbar saw that the Death Star was still functioning, and that the general known as Solo had not brought the shield down, and with some despair he proclaimed to his loyal followers, 'It is a trap'." Subsequently, Calamarians are a very paranoid group of people. They also believe that Ackbar died for our sins and will return to bring us to His holy kingdom of Mon Calamari.

[edit] Practices

Calamarians have a diverse number of practices, mostly involving swimming. They take great care in looking after squid, believing them to be a sacred creature. Fridays are their holy days, when, after hearing the holy song (known as The Imperial March) played at dusk, they enter their sacred flagships and pray that their cruisers can sustain firepower of that magnitude.

[edit] Critical Reaction

Western countries have cited the controversial nature of this figure, who believes in open rebellion against all "Imperialist scum." An often cited passage states that after dying in battle, the true follower will live on through "the netherworld of the force." Critics believe this motivates many Jihaadists to commit acts of suicide in order to "become more powerful than you can possibly imagine."

Jihaadists have stated that regardless of western beliefs, the force will be with them, always.

[edit] Split

There is, however, a growing split between Calamarians over the true creator of the Holy Book. Many believe it to be George Lucas, while a smaller, but rapidly expanding number believe it to have been CZ-3, who appears in the first installment, called simply "The Star Wars". One side maintains that CZ-3 was a minor, mostly fictitious character; the other maintains that George Lucas is too far fetched to have existed in real life, and was probably a metaphor used to describe the decline in Hollywood's production values. Both sides, however, believe, often to the point of death, that they are correct.

Admiral Ackbar and his good friend, Figrin D'an

TRAPP!!!!!!!

Our viewers can't repel horror of that magnitude!!

[edit] The Truth

After Supreme Court Review, it was confirmed that the Holy Book of Islam was actually co-written by Paul Giamatti and Waldo J. Cartridge.

[edit] Quotes attributed to the good Admiral

I'm a trap!*
NO GAMES*
It's a trap! ["Es una trampa!" - in the original language]
It isn't a trap!
It isn't not a trap!
It may be a trap!
It may not be a trap!
There is a distinct possibility that it isn't not a trap!
Soylent green is PEOPLE!!
You have no choice, Lord Drake. Surrender. Your cruisers can't repel firepower of this magnitude.
Quick, their shields are down. Concentrate all fire on the Super-dee-dooper Star Destroyer!
May the force be with...sniff sniff...I smell popcorn!
Kiss me Hardy!
It's a trap!
Our cruisers can not repel whining of this magnitude!
It's a trap!
Come on, asshole! Pitch!
Really, where is that popcorn coming from?
Their tongues can't repel flavour of this magnitude!.
May the force be with us
Our cruisers can not repel traps of that magnitude!
It's a trap!
I know it was you, and it breaks my heart*
Egypt is the place to be, egypt...egypt*

A native East Russian tarp being put in it's place by the good Admiral

[edit] Through the Looking Glass

Known among the British as "a foreign gentleman, fondly remembered for stating the bleedin' obvious."

It is a little known fact that Ackbar was fondly called "Mon-Squishy" by his closest companions.

[edit] Products

Admiral Ackbar is known among many people as the famous creator of Admiral Ackbar Cereal. Unfortunately, it did not sell at all, mainly because it consisted of a box with "IT'S A TRAP!" written on the box in bright red letters, with nothing inside the box. Apparently, Admiral Ackbar never inspected the factory, as he was afraid it was all just a trap.

IT'S A TRAP...CARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!