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[edit] Today's featured article

So you want to set up a backstreet abortion clinic? Perhaps you flunked medical school and need cash; perhaps you are an entrepreneur who has spotted a niche market; perhaps you live in one of those crazy countries where abortion is illegal; or perhaps you're just a guy with a set of forceps that you don't know what to do with. Whatever the reason, with the rise of religious fundamentalism, the time has never been better to set yourself up as an illegal abortionist. This book, drawing from my 30 years of experience in the field of illegal child-killing, is a complete guide to the art of illegal backstreet abortion.

Chapter 1: Location, Location, Location

Choosing a location is one of the most important choices an illegal abortionist can make. It is estimated that 30% of backstreet abortion clinics fail because of a poorly chosen premises. A good premises should be somewhere out of the way and should have a sturdy table or chair on which to perform the abortions, a drain for blood, a good escape route for when the authorities come around and a nice quiet place for disposing of dead fetuses. A sink for washing hands and tools is optional. (more...)

[edit] Yesterday's featured article

The Great American Novel is not just any novel. Any novel could tell a story; Any novel could have dozens upon dozens of product placements. The Great American Novel has to tell the greatest of all stories; place the greatest of all products.

Furthermore, and not a bit too soon, any novel can bring a strong man to his knees, crying over the powerful tragedy of the tale. But only the Great American Novel can make that same man howl in pain over the immense emotional overtones of the tale, and make him curl into a ball, crying for his mommy.

This is the guide to writing the Great American Novel. ...yeah. I know.

How Great?

There are some people out there who will say that the Great American Novel has already been written. I say to thee: NOT TRUE, and NOT TRUE do I say to thee. No book has ever been great enough to be as great as the Great American Novel has to be: In fact, no book can be. Or, at least, no book written by people who aren't Jesus. How does it feel to fail before you even tried? How does it feel to fail in front of Lady Liberty?

It has to bring tears to the eyes. It has to make readers and critics burst into tears. It has to be sad enough to make soldiers throw down their guns in disgust (but pick them up again, of course). It has to be sweeping in its depressive qualities. Good lord, it has to be sad. Oh, oh Jesus. It has to include a powerful, but broken, old man who's retarded son-- no, no wait-- retarded family has to etch a living out of the cruel soil of Kansas-- no, no wait-- Oklahoma. (more...)

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More of the worst of Uncyclopedia

[edit] The future

July 20: Window Licking Day (Scotland)

• 2000 B.C. - Window Licking Day was born as Cavemouth Licking Day.
• 1 - Jesus learned to walk.
• 1270 - Baberaham Lincoln frees the peasents.
• 1712 - Riot Day is proclaimed a national holiday in Great Britain.
• 1873 - A peasant in a poor country licked a window and saw an image of the Virgin Mary. He then started eBay to sell it on the Interweb.
• 1874-present - Once a year, every year, peasants in poor countries see an image of the Virgin Mary in a window after being licked on Window Licking Day, except for 1947, when the image was seen on a cinnamon bun.
• 1969 - Louis Armstrong and Buzz Lightyear become the first men to do the moonwalk, when Apollo 11 splashes down in the Sea of Tranquillity.
• 1974 - Turkeys invade Cyprus.
• 2014 - An astronaut tries to celebrate this day by licking a window of a space shuttle .... from the outside.
• 5678 - Eminem's disembodied head's latest album goes platinum. Ironically, for most of this year 90% of all people in the world are suffering with cases of "Falling Off Ears."
• 5679 - English language shanty is reinvented shanty. The only shanty real difference is shanty the word shanty "Shanty" shanty appearing throughout sentences shanty.
• 5793 - In the case of The State of Wisconsin v.s. Shanty, the English language is re-re-reverted back to its old form.
• 5794 - Turkeys invade Uranus.
• 3141592653... - The last digit of pi is found (it was a 5 all along). The universe begins to tear apart...

More predictions

[edit] In the olds

• Pope concerned about spherical earth.(pictured)

• The Dow Jones Industrial plummets on gloomy forecasts from drug dealers.

• Pope hits out at consumer culture, prefers time when Church owned everything.

• Local band writes song critical of President Bush.

• Attractive American women are genetically proven to be clumsy and retarded.

• You Gotta be Shitting me! He fucking Lost!.

• Governments of the world declare "All You Need Is Love"; Global chaos imminent.

• Jesse Jackson endorses McCain; Obama's lead skyrockets.

• Citing alarmingly low crime rate, D.C. Mayor encourages crime.

• Governor Schwarzenegger believes children should be allowed to smoke.

• Men wear women's bathing suits to beach in Miami.

• BREAKING NEWS: Hollywood actor Heath Ledger has died.

• Mugabe declares Zimbabwe "World's happiest country".

• A new theory has arised which may prove that Atheists don't exist.

• Zimbabwe's Mugabe reunites Led Zeppelin, Robert Plant not included.

More Historical Events at UnHistory History

[edit] You shouldn't know...

For Uncyclopedia's favorite candy:

• ...Charles Dickens peened several manuscripts which went later on in time to age into successful novels, many of which are a staple in literature across the known and literate global audience?

Eet Mor Chikin

[edit] Early articles

Tom DeLonge (Cyberman) | Are you colour-blind? |‎ Hot indiscriminate sex | The Lorax | Presidents with Ridiculously Accentuated Facial Features | Shrimping | UnBooks:One Hundred and Seventy Three Haikus About Stuff; Mostly Office Supplies (Annotated And Abridged) | Extreme Torch Relay | Insomnia | James Dobson (rw) | UnBooks:The Night I Slept with Björk | Uncyclopedia:Magic words | American University of Mediocrity | Why?:Jump over that ledge | Goldilocks and the Three Bears (rw) | UnBooks:Ayn Rand's Goldielocks and the Three Bears | Awkward Conversation | Thou | Melville the One Trick Pony | UnBooks:Backstreet Abortionist's Handbook | EMERGENCY LIPS | Why?:Is a dead body lying on my couch? | The Bourne Pottery Class‎ | You're trapped | Anti-intellectualism | 2 Girls 1 Calculus Equation | Consolation Prize | Old Git's Guide to D&D | UnColumns:Chuck Norris on secularism: the single greatest threat that America has ever faced | Oh My God! There's a Meteor Heading Towards Us |

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[edit] Deleter and Dino of the Day

As I walked into that posh night club up in Canberra, I've noticed a strange sight. No one was dancing. They were all standing around frowning in the DJ's general direction. Why? I demanded Is no one dancing? We don't like the DJ responded one sour faced gentleman, he is a known lobbyist for corrupt politicians, with a child's mentality, who makes fun of the humanist Chinese government. Not only that, the bastard got fabulous dental on our expense, while sending restarted forms signed by his 12 year old accountant! I'm telling you, he not only irreverent, he is irrelevant. We'll never dance to his tunes again.

Yes, hello? Hi. Can I talk with The Woodburninator please? awkward silence What was that again? He went out and burned 30 thousand acres of natural forest? Oh. awkward silence. That's a bit extreme of him isn't it. What was that you say? He mumbled something about reaching a final conclusion before leaving the house with a torch and a 12 gage shot gun? I wonder what could that be listening intently to person on the other side babbling on and on Oh for sure, I'd bet he thinks that he is better than thou sir. Because you, sir, are an idiot. I hope he burns down your house as well. Good day sir.

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