Alyx Vance
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
This Metrocop is rather agitated, and will beat you up if you continue to read this article.
This is not a joke.
Come here, citizen.
The last remaining superhero on Earth-HL, Alyx "V for" Vance has stood for great justice ever since somebody set up us the resonance cascade. She is most notable for her starring appearance in the low-budget sci-fee/zombie horror/dyslexia movie Life 0.5: Series 2: Episode 1, shot in 5 hours (different sources say 4 to 6) by her sidekick Gordon Freeman, using a Gravity Gun with a built-in camera.
Contents |
[edit] Biography
Alyx was born in Black Mesa, when her mother Gaziantep (no relation to base) was working inside a reactor. Exposed to High Ensity Radiation (HER) as an infant, she was infused with an affinity to superpowers that later came so handy during her showdown with the Combine.
While a popular urban legend states that she is Eli Vance's daughter, she claims that her father is Lance Vance, a noble hero of the Vice City underground famous for the "Lance Vance Dance" popular in the 80's. With such a worthy parent, Alyx was always welcome in the Resistance. In ten years, thanks to her accelerated growth, she was already a developed twenty-something Hot Chick-class Combine Menace.
With nothing more to do in a boring, Combine-infested city where your every step was controlled by annoying flying cameras, Alyx set up a career of a tomb raider, visiting the tombs of various superheroes and communicating with their spirits (using her natural and initially only superpower, telepathy (which later came so handy when Gordon arrived at the scene), she successfully "borrowed" their superpowers for her own, becoming the deadliest (although most unassuming as well) magical girl the universe has ever known.
Alyx then returned to City 17, only to be carelessly pushed away by Gordon Frogman, who just happened to end up in Dr. Landsteiner's lab at the same time. She was then hospitalized with a head trauma, but resurfaced a few weeks later, now equipped with an unforgettable grin. Oh, and a cool gun, previously belonging to one of the Combine sol... I mean, doctors in the hospital.
[edit] Superpowers
[edit] Smile
“Do you think it's easy to find good toothpaste in this post-apocalyptic future, I mean, present?”
~ Gordon Frohman on City 17
Alyx Vance's smile is disarming. Literally. Just the very sight of her ideally white teeth (thanks to a supply of white paint from raven) causes Gordon Freeman to lower his gun when looking at her, and causes Combine soldiers to lose their aim and never actually hit her, despite shooting from point-blank range (see also "Alyx Shot First"). This, combined with her sense of humor, gave her the nickname "Alyx the Joker".
[edit] Obviousness
“They're looking for something. Presumably us.”
~ Alyx Vance on a plethora of Combine scanners searching the land with flashlights
A reference to Captain Obvious is inevitable. His tomb is very possibly the place where Alyx obtained this superpower. Alyx likes to state the obvious, in contrast to Gordon, who never speaks (therefore, Gordon cannot say "duh"). She also thinks that the Combine shouldn't be allowed to rule Earth because... you know, alien invaders, right? Like she once said: "These fat slugs aren't human, but they're still sentient, so they don't originate on Earth, so they probably have no business here. I am just stating my opinion. You've just taken a gun out of nowhere. You're aiming at m..." BLAME!! "You missed you pansy..."
[edit] Attributted
[edit] Looks
At first glance, Alyx might not look attractive but she does after you get to know her.
[edit] Fire breath
The picture. Enough said.
[edit] Animation
Alyx has some of the best animation on any PC game, she almost resembles the human attitude (that's why she's kind of dumb) and (Hundreds of) good hours were put into designing Alyx's ass facial expressions.
[edit] Toughness
Oh, yea, she's tough alright, she can kick your ass while you stare at hers, and she also has a lot of coinsurance.
[edit] See also
 | ||
| Main Half-Life characters | ||
| Alyx Vance*
| ||
| The Random Half-Life characters | ||
