Alzheimer's Disease
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Alzheimer's Disease (also known as "Clinton's Disease") is common pronunciation error made by those with a lythp when attempting to say "old timers disease". It is a progressive neurological condition, affecting short-term memory and cognitive ability. It is most prevalent among the aged, but is now known to be highly contagious in its viral phase, and may by contracted persons of any age group. Alzheimer's Disease (AD) is a progressive neurological condition, affecting short-term memory and cognitive ability. Localised outbreaks of AD are now fairly common in young people, particularly in crowded conditions where drug use and loud horse music are common.
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[edit] History
AD has been known to human kind since at least the Dark Ages, and possibly before. Successive physicians, phrenologists and trepanners have identified this disease from generation to generation. Unfortunately, those past researchers have without exception been themselves afflicted with this terrible condition, and have therefore been unable to publish their findings.
It is considered to be the leading cause of dementia in adults, along with serious brain injury, listening to commercial radio, and stepping on cracks in the pavement.
The common name "Alzheimer's" refers to the disease's natural incubation grounds, retirement and nursing homes, or "Alzheims", as they are known in German. Every precaution must be taken when visiting these dens of pestilence to avoid contracting the AD virus. It is advised to wear a radio-active suit. They are very dangerous. A recent outbreak occurred in Geritolopolis, New Jersey, in which two assisted living centers and 245 retirement communities were put under quarantine. Unfortunately, the municipal building was not quarantined, and the mayor forgot he had a high school across the street; thus, the town is building a high school across the street from the high school already in existence. If that sounds confusing, it explains the low SAT scores from the high school (the first one, in case you have AD yourself).
[edit] Diagnosis
The diagnosis is made primarily on the say-so of a patient's relatives. (The relatives will notice that their kin is doing unusual things, such as flooding their houses when asleep or leaving the stove on without a pot, heiling Hitler, or driving a car without all four wheels on). This is particularly important, as sufferers will tend to minimise their symptoms in order to escape confinement. Those affected by AD may also display paranoid tendencies; a common delusion is that they are perfectly fine, and that their own families are attempting to dispose of them. Persons making such claims are clearly not in full control of their faculties, and should be relieved of their life savings and liberty immediately, so as not to burden the sound of mind.
[edit] Symptoms
The first signs of AD are usually forgetfulness, over such things as the day of the week, your sex, your mother's brother's maiden name, your own name, and where you left the Toilet roll. This quickly progresses to an avoidance of contact with the outside world, and a fondness for puerile entertainments like the Teletubbies or the Disney Channel. AD is also known to be absolutely hilarious.
Duration of the disease is unknown, as following diagnosis, AD sufferers are promptly ostracised from their community and left to rot in "Alzheims".And thats whats up!
[edit] Risk factors
- advancing age
- sitting on a great fat inheritance
- exposure to heavy metals, including aluminum, Slayer, and Pantera
- Shitting of lively ferrets (see Ronald Reagan)
[edit] Charities
There has been a charity set up to help raise funds for research into AD with a number of shops selling donated items. However, they haven't been very successful due to a lack of sales and donations because people would forget the location of the shop.
[edit] Treatment
This is no known cure for AD. Apart from confinement, the only treatment available for AD sufferers is to be made into Soylent Green, or leaving them to wander around. (A few AD sufferers have been known to go from New York City to Anchorage in an attempt to find their way to their home in Houston, Texas.)
You were such a darling child! How come you people hardly visit me any more? Last week we had chicken soup with cabbage in it. Or was that the week before? Could you change the channel for me? What've you got on that rag? It smells funny.
Wait.. what?
