Amalgam

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Amalgam is a wondrous substance made out of crushed fairies and plutonium. It was personally designed by god as a trendy replacement for teeth, as their unsightly white colour had fallen out of favour, and amalgam offered more bling bling. Recently, the liberal media conspiracy has attacked amalgam for leaking unsafe amounts of plutonium into the body. Most Star Trek science officers still deem amalgam to be safe and cool with the ladies.

[edit] History

Amalgam was created by God in 1 BC, and promptly incarnated himself as some sort of whiny liberal do-gooder to try the amalgam fillings out. The whiny liberal do-gooder was later executed because people just couldn't stand his shiny, dashing smile.

In 1874, god invented coca cola as a means to destroy all non-amalgamized teeth on the planet. Since this invention, the sugar consumption has increased from virtually zero to 42 busloads per day per average american lard-ass. This has caused an explosion in the number of teeth cavities the average american fetus has at birth - roughly 5.6 per tooth.

Since then, brave dentists/torture experts have stepped in to fill all those cavities with amalgam to buy themselves BMWs and increase the civilian usage of weaponized plutonium to make the world a safer place for nations that already do possess thermonuclear weapons. Other measures trying to save the soon extinct natural tooth, such as the floridation of water have only served to further communist plots.

[edit] Production

Amalgam is produced in a process called amalgamalgamalgamization, in which crushed tooth fairy dust is mixed with steaming hot plutonium and electrolyzed. Over 60% of the world's tooth fairy meal production is now used for amalgam, and additional amounts from plutonium must be imported to satisfy the need of the human race for shiny new teeth.

[edit] Controversy

Some liberal know-it-all-hippies eventually figured out that amalgam contains plutonium, and started crying as to them, having nuclear powered teeth is a bad thing. "Teeth should be solar powered!" they chant. "Earth first!" Also, there's is the issue of plutonium ACTUALLY BEING IN THE TEETH. Plutonium, dude! Its like, the most toxic substance on earth and shit!! Did I forget to mention there's plutonium in Amalgam?

Dr. Spock investigated the claims that the plutonium would leave the teeth and enter the rest of the body to accumulate and eventually reaching critical mass. He figured out that at night, the plutonium does sneak out of the teeth to party hard with the larynx and the liver, but it is not interested in going "critical". Therefore Dr. Spock finds no reason not to recommend cheap, effective plutonium powered teeth to everyone.

Some dentists with a sense for torture and money felt there was more torture and money to be made - And began suggesting that the plutonium could indeed be used to accumulate a tiny nuclear bomb in one's stomach. They have begun to talk elderly people into removing all of their perfectly safe fillings, and replace them with inferior pussy shit like solar panels and Nirvana posters. That gave a lot of dentists enough dough to buy a Ferrari.

In addition to the plutonium controversy, PETA has criticised the raising and subsequent slaughter of the tooth fairies and asked for crushed babies to be used as a substitute. However, crushed babies only offered 70% of the tensile strength that fairies offered, a study of uncyclopedia involving 574 truly hard-ass babies revealed.

[edit] Relevance to Conspiracy Theories

Pretty much every good conspiracy theory involves amalgam filled teeth because of their ability to act as a radio receiver, transmitter, and battery at the same time. But, while you DO get the order to kill Fidel Castro from the CIA, most of the brainwashing transmissions done these days involve advertisement for the better paying porn industry, making one think about sex all the time.

[edit] What now?

Should you get your amalgam removed? Should you get cheap and effective amalgam fillings instead of way more expensive ones? The answer is: Hell yeah. What, are you afraid? Are you some kind of pussy? I dare ya, rip out all of your teeth and get this ceramic shit, you dumb fuck.

Tom Cruise has amalgam fillings, and it didn't hurt him, did it?