Ambidexterity
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Ambidexterity is the exceedingly rare ability to utilize all 21 digits of the human body with equal and surprising efficiency. Throughout all recorded medical history, there have been only 17 people with this bizarre (and sometimes useful) condition.
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[edit] Warning signs
Ambidexterity is extremely difficult to detect in the non-medical community, since sufferers look just like normal people when viewed from far far away. Typical warning signs include double-jointed fingers, ridiculously long toes, juggling more than two objects simultaneously, and an innate tendency to conceal the fact that they masturbate quite often.
[edit] Genetic roots
It is hypothesized by the real medical community that the predisposed gene for ambidexterity occurs somewhere on the dreaded Y chromosome, and, as a result, causes complete sterility in the patient. This birth defect, like metrosexuality and intelligence, is therefore entirely non-inheritable (thank God!).
In 1903, there were alarming fears and panic in the streets that the horrific disease may have mutated into a highly infectious meme when a whopping two cases cropped up within the same city limits of San Francisco. Fortunately the unfounded rumors dispelled when it was later proven through genome sequencing that one of them had to be faking it.
[edit] Persecution
During the Middle Ages, ambidexterians suffered great persecution at the hands of the Roman Catholic Church for their woeful congenital state. Many dwelt their entire lives in captivity, being caged up like wild animals and exhibited in dehumanizing freak shows for upwards of $10 per ticket. Other ambidexterians were convicted and later accused of practicing witchcraft, especially when they showed off their l33t sk1llz like the fucking attention whores that they were. For this crime against naturism, they were hung, drawn, quartered, eighthed, sixteenthed, thirty-seconded, sixty-fourthed, and ultimately fed to miniature pervert-eating Japanese octopeeses in front of a live studio audience.
[edit] Drain on valuable resources
Despite the heroic efforts of Christians everywhere to pin blame on ambidexterians for the failure of their own crops and their own pathetic marriages, ambidexterous people everywhere continue to drain valuable resources and commodities which are specifically reserved by Federal law for deserving lefties. Sexually active ambidexterians also contribute to the unsolved problem of non-biodegradable landfilling by utilizing upwards of 21 condoms at the same time, even though they demonstrably don't need to.
[edit] More research is needed, and more condoms
The only conceivable hope of curing the dreadful ambidexteritous blight on humanity is to fund intensive and highly secretive research using trillions of pristine stem cells, which will need to be harvested from billions of disposable prebabies. Also, as if our hands weren't already full enough, we need to manufacture more condoms.
