America's Funniest Home Videos

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If this was a home video you took, AFHV would instantly make you $10,000 richer. But that's considering your video isn't outdone by a baby video, which, if it ends up on the show, your chances of getting rich are SCREWED.

“I just can't get enough of that sweet, sweet groin abuse, Mr. Saget!”

~ Oscar Wilde on America's Funniest Home Videos

America's Funniest Home Videos is a very serious election, even more serious than that of the President of the United States. It is important because it will represent, years from now, what Americans found humorous about their daily lives. It also contains 75% more cats biting people in the nipples in a single episode than Theresa Heinz-Kerry managed over the entire campaign trail.

[edit] Structure

America's Funniest Home Videos took its voting method from American Idol, another show that shows just how rad it is to vote when you're an American, you stupid foreigners. Seriously, look at all the important stuff we get to vote on. The studio audience is shown a variety of home movies for half an hour. This is just like the home movies that your friends take and show you, except that you don't know who sent in these videos. Also, many of these videos showcase physical pain, abject humiliation, or spoiled desserts. At the end of the night, the video judged the best will take away $10,000 dollars, which is usually just enough to cover plane tickets out to Los Fransisco where the show is filmed, not to mention the hospital bills usually incurred.

Voting is judged out of several categories:

• Quality of the picture
• Steadiness of the camera
• How many people get kicked in the crotch
• How many angry animals are featured
• The ratio of babies wearing silly hats to those with no laughable headgear
• Ability of Bob Saget (1989-1997), John Fugelsang and/or Daisy Fuentes (1997-2000, Tom Bergeron (2001-Present) to make funny noises throughout the film
• The subtextual statement on the value of the human condition
• Humiliation of the family at hand
• How cute the baby video is (it will almost always be a 1st prize winner when this happens).

Eventually, in later seasons, it wouldn't matter what other people voted for, as since the grand prize is a trip to Disneyland, the finalist video with any children or babies are chosen by the judges as the grand prize winners (regardless whether or not it isn't even remotely funny).

[edit] Previous Winners

America's Funniest Home Videos has spotlighted numerous high points in human achievement. Below are a few of the standouts.

• Sally Hayes of New Berlin, Wis., learns how to ride her bike without training wheels. She runs over a rake in her lawn, which knocks her off of her bike into a rose bush. She cries as her father laughs.
• Twins Timmy and Jimmy Rutherford of New York, New York, cover their sleeping grandfather in whipped cream, ignorant of his extreme allergy to dairy products. They then hit each other in the crotch with baseball bats.
• Amanda Bird of Sacramento, Calif., decides that she wants to be a doctor when she grows up so that she can help poor people. Bob Saget pretends he's a tugboat throughout her heartfelt speech.
• The Fox News coverage of the Popes death.
• Paul Rudolph of Plainsview, Flor., falls off of a parking ramp. Dressed like a clown. Bob Saget makes honking noises.
• Archival footage of the Hiroshima bombing. Somebody must have gotten hit in the crotch somewhere, points out Bob Saget.
• Thousands of parents who video their babies and kids doing something silly. Tom Bergeron continually denies the issue regarding rigging the votes so the families always win, but that only makes it more suspicious in turn.
• Footage of Budd Dwyer's televised suicide. Flatulance sounds emit from Saget's mouth when Dwyer pulls trigger.
• The cell phone video of Sadam being hanged.

[edit] America's Funniest Home Videos is the Best

Skiing into a tree is funny. It's slapstick. How could anybody not laugh at that. I know it's so painful, but years later, the pain wears off and you just see it as something embarrassing that happened in your life.

[edit] Recent news

2004: America's Funniest Home Videos was mistakenly added to the Axis of Evil for a day before George W. Bush was informed that Islamic law prohibits one to videotape his neighbors in unpleasant, yet humorous, situations. The President immediately proclaims August 30th to be National Assault on Dignity Day.

2002: Jackass becomes popular on MTV. "Bring that pussy Knoxville on, I'll whallop him in the genitals and win my own $10,000 dollars! Smash, bang, aiee my face, oh froinlaven, someone get me a bandage," said Tom Bergeron in a high-pitched voice.