American Hetrosexual Hegemony Conspiracy
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
"I hate them, I don't touch them, I spit on them!" ~ "Oscar Wilde" on Hetrosexuals
Ever wondered why the United States is obsessed with hetrosexuals?
In 1946, the USA needed to restock its population after taking heavy losses to the Euroasians. Without a sufficiently large enough population, the US economy, which is based on donut eating, would have collapsed, allowing any number of contemporary super villians to take control.
With this need in mind, the hetrosexual agenda was born. Starting in Elementary School, children were taught that mixing with the opposite sex was a healthy normal activity with no implied shame. As a child progressed through its education, the idea of hetrosexuality as a life choice was increasingly pushed via the schools. Whole lessons were devoted to dating, ice-cream socials, weener roasts and mutual masturbation.
To ensure that the message was constant, the TV broadcasters were enlisted. Gameshows highlighted hetrosexual couples winning hundreds of dollars for their personal recreational drug budgets. 1950s sitcoms were awash with the joys of family life and the benefits of wife beating. News shows bent over backwards to report on the latest births and marriages, with the top reproducers being awarded medals by the DA. One popular show had women competing against each other as to who had the widest child-baring hips.
In the realm of employment, only family men could get work. Permits proving that the hetrosexual cherry had been misplaced were often required by the larger employers, leading to much black market trading of fake permits in such industries as the media. Annual salary reviews were affected by the SCM - the Sexual Congress Metric, whereby men had to keep accurate records of their sexual exploits to prove that they preferred females on a continuing basis.
Eventually, the US population reached the government's desired level, signalled by the appearance of a Krispy Creme franchise in every village, town and city. Since 1979, the hetrosexual policy has lain dormant, but ready to be re-applied with vigour if the populace is seen to be wasting away due to either dieting or the war on terror.
