American Idol

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“Some of these people are a bunch of idiots”

~ Simon Cowell on American Idol

William Hung, the latest man to make it through the hell that is American Idol.

Renaldo Lapuz, Simon Cowell's on-again, off-again boyfriend.

American Idol is a highly controversial American television program created by Al Qaeda in order to dumb down the American public and turn them into mindless zombies. Watching one full season of the show is known to reduce a person's IQ by about 14.286%, but increase penis size by 3 inches per minute.

1 History
2 Secret to Winning
3 Influence on Bosnian Thinking
4 See Also

[edit] History

American Idol is divided into seasons for each year, repeating every fifth year. Each year is represented by a season, reflecting how minimally successful it was in reaping a new deity from the ranks of the plebeians. The next season will take place in the newly American-Idol created fifth season between Winter and Spring, Spinter.

[edit] Season I: Spring

American Idolatry first starts out. The title is soon shortened so that nobody in positions of power will care. Despite this change, it hypnotises viewers and receives high ratings. Unfortunately, it is not in recorded history who won that year. Currently, archaeologist are studying From Justin to Kelly for the answer.

 Archaeologist Brian Dinkleman finally deciphered that Cupid won.

[edit] Season II: Summer of the Living Dead

It was a close battle for the winner's spot between Gay Claiken and Fat Albert. The fat guy made it to the top 2 spot by eating every other contestant, except for Gay, because he didn't like to eat fruits.

[edit] Season III: Fall

In an odd turn of events, a Mickey Mouse movie won (Fantasia), not an actual person. Runner-up Diana DeGarmo had this to say:

"What? I was on TV?"

[edit] Season IV: Winter

America voted. And America chose Diana Ross, but the producers of the show felt Carrie Underwood was a lot cuter. And blonde and slim, so obviously she was one to be idolised. Carrie went on to have a very successful country recording career, while other contestant Bo Bice would become a real estate agent for the trailer park community.

[edit] Season V: Apocalypse

The main frontrunner throughout the entire show, Kevin Covais, was voted off much to the dismay of the viewers. He went on to beat out Gay Claiken as the most successful non-winner of the show, selling over forty-three bajillion albums in twenty minutes.

The winner of the show, however, Taylor Hicks, was a paraplegic OCD manic depressed Tourette's-syndrome-y person. His CD totally flopped and is really boring. Trust me, it is. The runner-up, Katharine McPhee, has been more successful with singles in the U.S. and is totally bangable. Katharine is going to be playing Hello Kitty! in the upcoming Hello Kitty! movie and invented the internet and later invented the modern computer.

[edit] Season VI: Return of the Jedi

Sanjaya Malakar was a young kid with minimal singing capability, giving him the edge as the most talented contestant. To the dismay of millions of little girls, he was eventually given to boot. Despite being voted off, he went on to become a successful hair stylist.

Melinda Doolittle, another frontrunner, was from New New New York, Jupiter where she often spent her time doing the robot, doing the robot, and doing the robot. She.... is a robot. She is a known Communist transsexual scientologist who is the sister of Fidel Castro, and she has openly called for the impeachment of President Britney Spears.

Blake Lewis, a gay paedophile from the state of George Washington, had Tourette's syndrome which was mistaken as beatboxing.

The winner of the season was Jordin Sparks, a lesbian aborted Jewish Bitch.

[edit] Season VII

Starting on a plane, it crashes into a mysterious island and people are killed when voted off regardless of popularity. Later they find a secret hatch with a live TV feed so they can actually sing on a stage. Also later, The Judges start kidnapping the best singers and force to sign bad contracts and make B-grade albums. There is a surprise ending where the dead contestants rise from the dead and kill all remaining participants, thus ending the show for good.

However there is a spin off regarding the zombies in bands. There is still an annoying British guy.

The winner of the competition was David Cook,a 25 year old 'rocker', kinda of, who only went on a date with Kimberly Caldwell to cover up his affair with Tiffany, who's a minor...but that doesn't matter. (Don't worry Dave, no one takes this seriously.) -Courtney, a very good friend...who is not sleeping with him.

The runner up was David Archuleta, a 12-year old trapped in a 17-year old's body, who was caught on tape in a hotel with Kelly Clarkson in 2002 when he was only 12 (available on youtube for your viewing pleasure). It is said that Miss Clarkson had nothing to do with the success he had on Idol.

Syesha Mercado is a screaming boring minority that somehow made it to the Top 3 (and who knows, maybe if Hillary Clinton wins the nomination... Syesha could be our American Idol) She beyond all odds. After nuclear winter, there will only be cockroaches and Syesha.

Jason Castro, he was thinking Bob Marley.

[edit] Season VIII: Sanjaya and his Tales

We would like to give a special thanks to Paula for predicting the following events. Hopefully, she wasn't drunk again...

Sanjaya came back and was more powerful jedi than before. he defeated Randy the Hutt but Darth Cowell hacked off his right hand (the part of Sanjaya with any talent.) Sanajaya then spirals into drug use thus allowing evil to win...by allowing darth Clarkson to win.

[edit] Secret to Winning

Jordin Sparks, revealing how she made it to the top 2 and, eventually, winning the competition.

In the year 2007 A.D., it was made clear by the results the secret to winning. In order to, you must be at least three of the following:

1) Be an avid user of The Toilet Move.
2) An exploitable racial minority
3) Be on-key about 1/5 of your chosen song
4) A cannibal
5) A woman-ish (up to interpretation after Kelly Clarkson and Fantasia won)
6) A lounge singer with at least 4 undiagnosed mental disorders
7) A scientologist
8) Be able to make a 13 year-old white girl in the audience cry
9) Have gay hair
10) Wear as little clothing as possible
14) Skip numbers when you count
19) A William Hung
20) Obese
21) A loser
22) Really fricking bad
23) Chris Richardson
24) Not Chris Rivera see [1]
25) Have a long history with anti-choice groups
26) Be a pot smoking dipshit
27) Give an animal sacrifice to Simon Cowell
28) Make out with said Simon
29) Give the judges money, and lypsych. Have fun!
30) Give Paula lots of pot to make her love you again and again and again
31) Hope to god they edit out all your good singing in the initial rounds to give you a development arc when you perform live (Goes for Canadian Idol too)

[edit] Influence on Bosnian Thinking

For some reason, displaced Bosnians firmly believe that an appearance on American Idol is the only sure-fire way to make money in the United States, as evidenced by this paraphrased conversation below.

Bosnian: "Brotha, you could go on the show and make lots of the money."

American: "What the fuck?"

Bosnian: "It is the only way. On the show you will go and the money you will make you share with me."

American: "You're out of your mind, I don't have any talent, I'd do better on Jeopardy! or Wheel of Fortune."

Bosnian: "You Americans do not know shit. How not do you know? Have you even tried?"

American: "Well, I can sing a pretty mean Neil Diamond song."

Bosnian: "Then you will sing the Neil Diamond, how could you lose? The fat man, the old man, the child with sticking up hair. You would beat all of these."

While delusional, the Bosnian's thinking may be influenced by the multitude of talentless assclowns featured on Americal Idol in the past few seasons.