Hell

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Satan Loves This Article

The Prince of Darkness — the ultimate purveyor of all things wicked, vile, and malevolent — has personally reviewed this article. The submitter and all subsequent editors are damned to eternal torment in hellfire.
Considering selling your soul? For great rates call 666.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Real Hell.
The snake handlers at Conservapedia have an even funnier article about Hell .
Hell is a very horrible place. So do not be a sinner!
Remember, children; you is what you is! There is no evolution, just a list of creatures I allow to live! ;)

“That's hott.”

~ Paris Hilton on Hell

“It's really quite pleasant, except for the smell”

~ Gerrard Way on Hell

“I went in and they asked me if I had any reservations. I said "Yes, with the decor, the service and probably the food as well. But I still want to dine here!"”

~ Leonidas of the Spartans on Hell

Hell is a holiday resort in the core of the Earth. Famed for its brilliant food, large share of the package holiday market, and its rivers of magma, it is the choice of retirement location for over 6.9X10^10 heretics dead people retirees, as well as a temporary location for nearly 5000. It was invented by Michael Jackson when he was thinking of ways to get sinful little boys all into one place at once, but thanks to much investment from America the small ranch quickly grew into a major destination.

Contents

Geography

Here are the various districts contained in Hell.

The beautiful riverside of Acheron
The beautiful riverside of Acheron
  • Limbo, by the beautiful river Acheron, easy to lose track of time here, notorious for its insect problems.
  • Sin City, the capital of hell, notable individuals are Satan, Santa Claus, and Hitler.
  • Lust, the red light district. Enough said.
  • Glutton, restaurant capital of the region, many places to eat, but famed for its terrible stormy weather.
  • Avarice, a particularly rich district, good public transport on bags of money eternally pushed by residents.
  • Wrath, a dangerous place, constant violence, although good entertainment to be had betting on fighters.
  • Styx, large marsh containing endangered species such as Medusa and harpies.
  • Heretic Sports Complex, containing the worlds only boiling blood swimming pool, with burning sand beach, see famous serial killers such as Harold Shipman, Jack the Ripper, and Jigsaw. Be careful not to get lost in the seemingly endless forest for emo kids. And for the health conscious an inescapable treadmill in a gym filled with perverts.
  • Fraudland, a world renowned zoo. Watch seducers being whipped to walk! See the Flatterers being buried in excrement! See magicians perform the 'head twisting' trick! Wow, and your experience would not be complete without the corrupt politicians lake of hot tar!
  • Lake Cocytus, a permanently frozen lake, perfect ice skating and hockey all year round.
  • The Center: The three worst sinners of all time are punished by being chewed by Satan, who is in turn punished because those sinners are dangerously undercooked.
  • Six Feet Under: This is really where all the dead go, everything else is a figment of your imagination while comatose until your brains completely rot (unless you're cremated). We are all mortal souls of dust and when we die we remain trapped in the dust unconscious.

Administrative problems

“Leave people to it and they will create their own little hell”

~ Eric the Demonologist on Hell

Hell has a few administrative problems...

  • Those pushing the bags of money in Avarice must read Health & Safety guidelines every day
  • Each evening, all inhabitants must fill out forms to review their torture leisure
  • Everything in hell is constantly internally auditted
  • The internet booking system is a load of shite
  • You still can't get through to BT

Issues you may encounter in hell as a...

Did you know...
that in addition to the existing nine levels of hell, a new tenth level is currently under construction in Hell in preparation for when Fred Phelps arrives there?

Australian: Aboriginals have absolute power yet they do nothing at all, no buildings, no politics, no education, no nothing. As well as this all alcohol has been replaced with the shitty flavor sensation of VB. The Sydney Opera house collapses eliminating your only real landmark, AFL is banned, the English defeat you in every sport for all eternity. And worst of all Dale Thomas has had a haircut!

Belgian: You will be forced to endure questions from American tourists about where you keep your waffles and Brussels sprouts.

Canadian:America now borders the south AND north, and you share the same leader, people constantly ask you if you are American.

Costa Rican: You have to travel for around 30 hours to find that you were given directions to the Puerto Rican hell. You will have to work for rich Colombian and Nicaraguan families as gardener, maid, or window cleaner.

Chinese: Everything asks you if you are Japanese.

Dominican:People think you are Puerto Rican.

Englishman You are forced to repeatedly write out your life story... using American spelling. You may only drink tea with lemon. You Live under a condominium of French & Pakistani rule. Welcome to Angleterristan!

Frenchman: You are dressed in a striped shirt, beret, moustache, and string of onions for eternity.

German: Everything around you will make comments about World War II and you will be force fed American coffee.

Greek: Everyone you are Turkish.

Icelandic: You are forced to watch "Lazytown" for eternity.

Irish: the only thing you can say to everyone will repeatedly say "Top of the morning to you!" in a bad Irish accent and you will be forced to sit outside the pub, looking in at the crowd.

Israeli: Everyone you meet is Palestinian. The hummus is all imported from the US but the beer is still Israeli.

Italian: The only coffee is from McDonald's.

Japanese: You walk into a store to find out that all of the manga has been replaced with D.C and Marvel Comics and the anime has been switched with Disney and Warner Bros. cartoons and SpongeBob

Mexican: You must wear a sombrero and poncho.

Norwegian: You must dress as a Viking.

Pakistani: You will either be sent back to Pakistan (peace be upon you) or to Guantanamo Bay indefinitely for no reason.

Palestinian: Everybody you meet will be Israeli and there will be no rocks or cameras should you try to fight them.

Peruvian: You are turned into a llama.

Portuguese: People constantly think you're Spanish.

Scottish: Golf is attributed to America, and you're forced to attend anger management.

South African:(Black): Apartheid is back. (White): Apartheid is back, except this time the blacks are oppressing the whites. Welcome to Zimbabwe.

Soviet Russian: In Soviet Russian hell, 10 commandments violate you!

Spanish: Everybody speaks Catalan and you have to watch Catalonia and the Basque Country declare independence every day.

Turkish: Everyone you meet will be Kurdish or Greek.

Vatican: You are repeatedly artificially inseminated, only for the fetus to be aborted.

South Korean: You are forced to pay for computer programmes.

Goth: One giant Hot Topic store where Misfits music is playing incessantly.

Jew: The only thing on TV is Mel Gibson's "The Passion". You will be constantly approached by the most beautiful models, but they will all leave after your mother disapproves of them.

Politician(Republican): You spend eternity in a doctor's waiting room full of poor minorities because health care has been nationalized. Your estate tax is raised to subsidize gay marriages and Hillary Clinton has a 98% presidential approval rating as after successfully eliminating the national debt.

Politician(Democrat): California and New York are demoted to the status of non-voting territories. Cigarettes and incomes over $200,000 are no longer taxed. All Department of Education funds are sent directly to charter schools. You actually control 80% of both houses of Congress but still can't get the votes to override Jeb Bush's veto

Emo: No razors, Hawthorne Heights, or black hair dye. Tears will get you raped, by someone of the opposite gender (sorry).

Muslim: The border police are American, the police are British and everyone else is Jewish. People start to question whether a religion of one billion people which controls dozens of countries and much of the world's oil supply could really be oppressed that much by infidels.

Famous actor: Everyone takes photos of you, except when your hair and makeup are done and you're walking a red carpet.

Preppy: You are forced to listen to Slipknot, Dimmu Borgir, Cradle of Filth, Murderdolls, and More Norweigan Black Metal.

Secular Hell You are the Pope's dancing monkey.

Uncyclopedia Hell: You can only access articles by noobs marked "No Redeeming Value" AND you are unable to edit them! You can write your own articles, but there is a mandatory minimum of ten references in MLA format.

Interesting People Who You Will See In Hell

See Also


Four Letter-Words
The A Word • The B Word • The C Word • The D Word • The E Word • The F Word • The G Word • The H Word • The I Word • The J Words • The K Words • The L Word • The M Word • The MF Word • The N Word • The Ñ Word • The O Word • The P Word • The Q Word • The R Word • The S Word • The T Word • The U Word • The V Word • The W Word • The X Word • The Y Word • The Z Word
Commonwealth of Independent Nations
In order of importance Britain ~ Oz ~ Canada ~ Canadia ~ Sarrff Affrikka ~ East Indies / West Indies ~ Kittenolivia ~ Cyprus ~ Bangladesh ~ Kenya ~ Dodoland ~ Seychelles ~ Paradise ~ Terrorist Country ~ Singapore ~ Hell ~ Barbados ~ Can or not? ~ Duchy of Björk ~ Semen ~ Sierra Leone ~ Foriegn Barsturds ~ More Foreign Barsturds ~ Even More Foreign Bastards ~ America (we wish) ~ United Kingdom of America ~ United Kingdom ~ United States of America ~ Great Britain ~ Britain ~ Naziland ~ Tease ~ Tonga ~ Those F***ers ~ Morley ~ Cat-Lovers ~ China ~ The Lost Continent ~ Mugabeland ~ Another Mugabeland ~ Kentuckistan
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